If the wounds are too fresh and the thought of forgiving the person who abused and upset you hurts too much, honor that. There is no shame in not being ready. It is normal and everyone’s timeline is different. Close the article for the time being or read it for nothing more than future reference, with no pressure or expectations. Allow yourself to feel all that you do, the pain included, with as much passion and purpose as possible. After a while, come back to it. Examine what you have gained, rather than concentrate on what you have lost, even if what you have lost is significant. The hope is that your personal growth is also significant and that the positive things you come to learn about yourself are far greater. Believe it or not, the day may come when you are not only able to forgive, but thank the person who brought you here, but that is all in time…
Forgiveness can be a tough subject to broach when the ones we are considering forgiving are the psychopaths who harmed us. Eventually, however, we should try to find a way to do it.
Why we should forgive
Resentment and anger eat away at us. Even though we may have been seriously wronged by the psychopaths who crossed our paths, holding on to those feelings hurts us, not them. Nelson Mandela once said, “Resentment is like drinking poison and hoping it will kill your enemies.” While it seems like an easy enough concept to grasp, putting it into practice may prove more challenging. While in the midst of the anger, confusion, and disbelief that almost always accompanies our brushes with psychopathy, it’s tough to imagine forgiving the person who tried to hurt us. But forgiveness is a funny thing. The reason it must occur has less to do with our wrong-doers, and more to do with us. Forgiving helps us heal.
What does the process look like?
This will not come easy or fast. In fact, it would be wrong to rush it. We must honor each of the stages of the grief process in order to fully heal. But eventually, we have to let go of any remaining ill feelings so that we can grow and move forward. The psychopaths’ acts may have been truly horrible, so we need not excuse them, but we can learn not to allow them to damage us further. As long as we are caught in negative feelings, our offenders are still winning. Hopefully, we can come to the place where we re-empower ourselves and re-gain control of our lives.
Forgiveness does not need to mean forgetting. We should not forget what happened to us or behave as if it never occurred. Rather, we should remember what we went through so that we don’t allow the evil back in or repeat our pasts with others in the future. Further, we need not expect anything from those who did us harm. In cases such as ours, they either enjoyed what they did or to us or were merely using us for their own “advancement.” There are no sincere apologies coming from them….ever, so do not look for one. This is about us and our peace and we can do this without seeing them or exchanging any words. For once, it is actually all about us.
What we come to feel
Recently, someone new to the struggle asked me how I feel about what happened to me and how I feel about the person in my situation. I had to think for a moment, but finally decided that I feel “nothingness.” Where I was once consumed with emotion, I now see this person as a void. It is almost like a chapter of my life that did not exist, in spite of the fact that it was extremely significant.
I know that the situation was real and awful. I care about and acknowledge what occurred, as the storm I weathered hit with a tsunami-like force. However, I lived, learned, and somehow, grew. I think I became a better person along the way, as a result. Without the experience, I don’t think I would have realized that I was only living half alive, realizing only a portion of my potential. I would not have known the strength I was capable of, without this test.
I believe that when we no longer allow them control over us, we come to feel “even” again. At that point, what once existed as love, hate, anger, and sadness disappears, becoming “nothingness.” We come to see our perpetrators as insignificant, even if their acts were not. It is then that we can forgive because what was, no longer matters.
We can move toward the future for ourselves and those we care about. For the first time, probably in a long time, the psychopath takes a permanent back seat, regardless of any residual antics. It takes time and the road is long, but eventually, we can release the demons and thrive. The rewards will come. They may not be concrete or quantifiable, but we will begin to recognize them when we feel them.
behind_blue_eyes wrote:
“Expression of hate a Red Flag that immediately should disqualify anyone from entering your relationship circles, be they romantic or platonic.”
In another thread ‘skylar’ wrote:
“The spaths were attracted to people who couldn’t discern their hatred, their envy, their desire to overpower us. In other words, they were attracted to people too innocent to protect themselves.”
Good food for thought. And, good basic advice to give ourselves, our children and our other loved ones: When starting out in a new relationship, be wary of things that indicate attitudes and a history that show ongoing and significant hatred and resentment towards past and current friends, lovers and even relatives.
Over a period of time I learned that my ex-gf wanted to ‘machine-gun’ her past boyfriends. She also dated the guy who came before me for 16 months – after admittedly ‘hating him’ (And I mean REALLY HATING him – despising even his appearance and mannerisms.), after they had been together about one month.
At the same time, she also relayed multiple stories of sexual abuse – including rapes – at the hands of a relative, a ‘lesbian’ roomate and boyfriends. Something I do not comprehend is that after she was raped – she stayed in a ‘relationship’ with those guys and, stayed with the female roomate.
I wonder if the inability to ‘feel’ emotion and understand the harm she has done to me and certainly others is aquired or innate. And, I wonder if the objectification of others and inability to ‘feel’ is a factor in getting into and staying in abusive relationships. Naturally, there is NO excuse for abusing others. But I wonder if the sociopath not only inflicts harm on others but is also more likely to be harmed in relationships.
Another element of my relationship with her: I brought what I now see as some bad habits and attitudes into the relationship with her. Ironically, by being in the relationship and with her help, I learned to recognize and correct some of these bad things. I think that I am now less of a ‘male-chauvinist-pig.’ Plus, some of her almost obsessive, narcissistic preaning actually rubbed-off on me – I am more attentive to my appearance than I was before I met her.
Wow. What a process this is.
Newlife43, one of the most imporant systems of beliefs that many human beings maintain are their spiritual / religious beliefs. Those beliefs can be used against any human being to excuse “bad behaviors.”
The problem with spaths is that they DO know what they do – they DO know that they leave their source targets in tatters. They DO know that they leave their source targets robbed, broken, sick, and thoroughly dismantled. They most certainly DO understand the damages that they have created. What our core beliefs refuse (adamantly so) to accept are that these disordered people simply DO NOT CARE – they don’t care whether their targets are left destitute in another country, or dead in a ditch. They most certainly DO understand what they’ve done – they simply don’t care.
Spaths aren’t running with a rabid pack and engaging in sociologically identified mob behaviors similar to what resulted in the murder of Jesus. Spaths engage in individual and group-wide manipulations, machinations, and cause extensive damages DELIBERATELY. They deliberately dismantle every aspect of their victims’ lives.
“Forgiveness” is for us – solely, strictly, and entirely. I personally do not like using the term, “forgiveness,” as it implies a Divine Requirement to reaching Heaven or Nirvana or whatever. I do not believe that I will be cast into a lake of fire if I choose NOT to “forgive” the exspath for what he did, intentionally, deliberately, and with malice aforethought. For me, “forgiveness” is reserved for someone who is contrite and truly remorseful for the damages that they’ve inflicted who take steps to make SINCERE amends for what they’ve done – either by intention, or unintentionally.
I used to maintain the belief that I was required – obligated – to “forgive” everyone for whatever they had done to me (or, others) because I would be rejected at the Gates of Heaven as being “unworthy” or “undeserving.” This is a flawed belief for me, personally, and I mean that this applies to me, ONLY. For me, I have altered my understanding of “forgiveness” to simply mean accepting the fact that there are predatory human beings who intend to harm, deceive, rob, and dismantle other human beings, and that I have no control over this fact and that I need to “move on (so to speak)” from the anger, rage, and obsessive thinking that puts THOSE people in the center of my line of sight.
When I am unable to release the anger, rage, and obsessive thinking of someone who has harmed me (or, others), I am NOT focusing on bettering myself through hard work and effort. I am focusing on the actions of someone else over whom I do not have any control. This is where I believe that moving on and realizing my true potential is utterly hampered. Acceptance means (for me, ONLY) that I recognize the fact – the truth – that I only have control over my own actions, choices, and decisions, and that obsessing over holding someone accountable is a complete waste of time unless it can be accomplished through legal means to get someone off of the street who is a VERY clear threat to society, in general, and not just a danger to me, personally.
This is always a wonderful topic to discuss because it opens the door to so much potential healing and recovery. Each of us has to approach this task in their own way, and reading the various responses is an assist to me in this difficult endeavor.
Brightest blessings
BBE!!!!! I’m going to write this on a piece of paper and post it on my fridge (or, somewhere else VERY prominent): “Anger is not hate. Anger is lingering and normal. Hate is unrelenting and abnormal.”
Fantastic and so absoluteluy true. “Anger” is a “requirement” to moving on, I believe. Without expressing that anger in a healthy, productive way, it DOES morph into “hate” and that is a terrible obsession.
What a wonderful statement – thanks for posting that.
Brightest blessings
Truthspeak wrote:
“The problem with spaths is that they DO know what they do ”“ they DO know that they leave their source targets in tatters. They DO know that they leave their source targets robbed, broken, sick, and thoroughly dismantled. They most certainly DO understand the damages that they have created. What our core beliefs refuse (adamantly so) to accept are that these disordered people simply DO NOT CARE ”“ they don’t care whether their targets are left destitute in another country, or dead in a ditch. They most certainly DO understand what they’ve done ”“ they simply don’t care.”
And I do believe this. As one example: Otherwise the extended ‘discard process’ that the ex-gf conducted would not have been as vicious and destructive and keyed into so many of the things that she knows were triggers and duplications of what had hurt me in the past.
O, Yes, I agree they DO KNOW and they have CHOICES. While there IS a genetic component, just like alcoholism has a genetic component, but the Alcoholic still has a CHOICE to drink or not, up to a point where they are so deeply messed up by years of alcohol use that there is no turning back, if they can get it they will drink it and cannot of their own will abstain. I think it is the same with psychopaths, they have choices to do good for evil, but they get a “charge” out of the evil and LIKE IT, just as the alcoholic gets a high out of the booze and LIKES IT….and eventually the psychopath can no longer stop being evil.
Regarding Jesus and the cross.
While the rabble weren’t spaths, it’s the work of spaths that put him on the cross: Judas, the best friend who betrayed him – The Pharisees: money grubbing heads of religion – Pilate who claimed innocence because he was just doing what others wished him to do, and even blamed Jesus for not stopping him. So there’s definitely a spath element in it for me. Spaths CAN get a mob and rabble into motion to spit on and reject the best of man. And even the dissociating and denying Jesus as one they followed or were friends with by the apostles, is a typical phenomenon that spath targets can recognize… the moment they are discarded, everyone takes a step away, hoping their fall won’t take them down along.
The lesson in that whole story arch, is not to live by Jesus’ living example imo. Despite his other cheek, his miracles, his compassion and his wisdom, and being hailed and welcomed into Jerusalem like the Messias… he still ended up on the cross, and even lost his faith in his God (and father) while on the cross. He was so emotionally hurt by the whole spath devalue and discard process, he even feared God had forsaken him. It’s argued that Jesus eventually found the strength and compassion to forgive them all… but that’s not literally what the new testament tells: he asks God to forgive them. So, in a way, yes, I don’t think Christianity requires Christians to forgive, but to ask God to forgive those who are used as mob and do not know about spath tactics. The most significant lesson imo is that Jesus is forever altered because of that ordeal: he gets to have a seat beside God to JUDGE who is evil and who is good, who are allowed to enjoy his company in heaven or are sent away out of his sight (NC).
And I would say that anyone who has gone through a devalue-discard spath process has acquired the ability and knowledge and wisdom about evil and good, and judge accordingly.
Darwinsmom, I am mulling your response over in my mind, and I’m liking your take on “forgiveness.” It makes sense out of a senseless act and puts into a here-and-now perspective that I can understand.
My reference to the Divine Obligation is that various interpretations have altered what “forgiveness” might really mean, in the long run. If that makes sense to ANYone, wonderful. LOL!
Brightest blessings
raggedy ann;
Yes, “disgust” or “revulsion” is a better choice of word for what normal people feel regarding the likes of Lance Armstrong, Jerry, Sandusky or even Adolf Hitler.
OxD, I believe that spaths definitely get a rush out of creating damage because it’s an unmistakeable pattern of behaviors. From one target to the next, it’s the same damages created in different ways, and they are deliberate choices, not an identifiable chemical imbalance (like schizophrenia) that incapacitates them. It’s intentional, where other clinical disorders cause other people to make errors in judgement due to something over which they have NO control: human physical chemistry.
Truty, research has shown that our brains get a “shot” of “feel good” chemicals when we think about revenge. So, it makes me wonder if the adrenaline or other “feel good” chemical that might come from the thrill of the chase by the P or the “kill” or “success” might not do the same thing.
We know that folks get hooked on risk taking adrenaline highs, but there are ACCEPTABLE ways of getting that thrill from riding bulls or racing Motor cycles to jumping out of planes, or flying planes. Or the UNacceptable ways like robbing banks or conniing folks.