By Ox Drover
In my journey toward healing from life’s pains, and from the PTSD and the pains caused by the trauma from the psychopaths, I think one of the hardest things has been to forgive myself.
I was raised in an abusive Christian atmosphere with a terrible, impossible definition of “forgiving others,” no matter what they did, no matter if they weren’t sorry, or how likely they were to repeat the abuse to me. I was programmed to try to meet my obligation to “forgive” when there was NO WAY I was going to trust them again. How could I?
While this previous “definition” of forgiveness of others who are unrepentant has changed post-trauma to a definition of getting the bitterness out of my own heart for what they did, but it does NOT INCLUDE restoration of TRUST or “pretending it didn’t happen.”
That done, I recently had an “ah ha” experience about “FORGIVING MYSELF” for the things I have done to others that were less than stellar acts. Acts that were down right nasty, vengeful, spiteful, etc.
Some of you may have read my little “parable” about how none of us would hold a grudge or get mad at our little pet dog that was injured and lying on the street with a broken leg, if we were to rush to our puppy’s aid, and in its blinding pain and fear it lashed out at us when we tried to pick it up and it bit us. That would be a totally different reaction on our parts from the way we would react to a dog that bit us every time we went to pet it or feed it, would attack us in our sleep or when our back was turned. Few of us would keep the “psychopathic dog” very long, but we would not at all be angry with our pet that bit us in his fear and pain. We would be understanding and compassionate, though the wound was deep and hurt like heck!
The old saying “there are two sides to every story” is one we have all heard, and many times that is true. There are in the above story two VIEWS—the one of the owner, and the one of the dog.
Many years ago I fell on some brick steps and hit my shin so hard that a huge bruise immediately rose up on my shin the size of half a large grapefruit. The injury was so unexpected, and so sudden, and so painful, that when my beloved husband reached out to extend me a hand to help me up, I immediately struck out verbally and actually SNARLED at him, “DON’T TOUCH ME!”
Another time, a couple of nights after my husband’s tragic and sudden death, a beloved friend of our family was there to console us, she had driven over seven hours to be there. She was very anxious and just kept chattering and chattering. In my pain, the sound of her voice was agony, and I asked her to please be quiet and go to sleep, which then upset her more and made her more anxious and she chattered louder and longer. I finally got up in her face and seething in rage, looked at her and told her to “Shut your lips, if another word or sound comes out of them I will hit you.” Right at that moment in my horrible pain I could have done so. I could actually have hit someone I dearly loved who is in no way anything but loving to me.
Looking back over these instances, I realized in my “ah ha” moment, that there are various things like this that I have done in my life that I am sure not proud of. In pain at various times I have struck out at the very people I loved who were there for me. I have also struck out at the psychopaths many times. I have said things and done things that I am sure not proud of. I have hurt people who loved me and were only trying to comfort me in my pain.
I also realized in my “ah ha” moment that I have not forgiven myself for these things. They still make me feel bad about myself, guilty, shamed, and imperfect.
How do I forgive myself for these things? Restore my own self esteem and trust in myself? I realize that I am human, and looking at the “parable” of the injured dog from the dog’s view point, I realize that those that love me realize, just like the little dog’s owner, that I was striking out in intense pain, and that those people still love me, and forgive me. That I also should realize that I have forgiven them when in their own pain they might have hurt me, so why am I holding myself to a higher standard than I hold others to? Why am I not allowing myself the same forgiveness that I extend to others, even the psychopaths?
I realized that I need to get the bitterness against MYSELF out of my own heart for being human. I acknowledge the wrongful acts I did in striking out at others, even the psychopaths, I feel great remorse for these acts, I have “repented” (made a promise to myself and others that I will not repeat this type of behavior), I have apologized, made restitution if I could, and in short, done everything I can to “make up for” these acts. The people I wronged (except for the psychopaths) have all forgiven me, and restored me to a trusting position in their lives, so I should also forgive myself and trust myself. Being in pain is no “excuse” for biting a lovingly extended hand, but it is definitely understandable.
My forgiving others, getting the bitterness out of my heart so that it does not hurt me, is important, I think, but forgiving myself, I think is just as important. My unkind acts or verbal assaults toward the psychopath did not “ruin the relationship.” If I had been perfect it would not have improved the one-sided relationship of all-taking on their part and all-giving on mine. My failure to please them was not my “fault” in any way. No one could have pleased them. My failure to see that and to cut the relationship sooner, to set boundaries and enforce them, rather than trying to placate them by allowing their abuse was not “right,” it wasn’t a good decision, but it is understandable considering the pain that I was in. It is now time to forgive myself for being human, for being fallible and making mistakes, and for even doing things I knew were wrong.
That is something I struggle with. I also was raised to forgive and forget horrible behavior….especially from the s and n’s in my family. Im just beginning to realize that forgiving does not mean going back for more abuse. My ex s boyfriend thinks Im just horrible cause I finally stood up to him. He “doesnt know what he did” even though I turned myself inside out to explain over and over again. Honestly … i miss him…. i want to forgive him….but I know that if i do I will feel bad and the no contact rule will get broken and i will go through all the hell again. I pray alot that God just helps me through the day….one step at a time….and maybe in the future, when I feel safe and strong enough in who I am.. I can extend true forgiveness. Until then he remains unforgiven which does mak me feel guilty. Thank you so musc for this site it is saving my life. Love to all of us.
Dear Selena,
Just because you “forgive” someone (get the bitterness out of your heart toward them) does NOT mean you EVER HAVE TO TRUST THEM. To me, Forgiveness does NOT mean “forgive AND forget”—I believe what the Bible says, that we have to “forgive” others, but I don’t see a single place in the Bible that says AND FORGET. That was where I got stuck on forgiveness….because the “definition” I was given was WRONG AND IMPOSSIBLE. I forgive, but do NOT forget.
It took me a LONG time to work around to my “new” definition of “forgiveness,” which means to me “get the bitterness out of my heart” The “forgive and forget” definition is IMPOSSIBLE, and the “forget” part isn’t required. I found nothing in the Bible that says that because we have forgiven someone we need to go back and allow more abuse. In fact, I find many passages that direct us to NOT go back to a person who is “unrepentant” and not sorry for what they have done. In one spot St. Paul actually says “don’t even eat with them.” If that is not NC then I am not sure what is!
It apparently isn’t as common now as it used to be but historically, even churches would “excommunicate” or “shun” people who were publicly unrepentant. Some sects would actually “shun” a person by pretending they didn’t even exist, wouldn’t speak to them etc.
If you look at the story of Joseph in the Bible where he was sold into slavery by his own brothers, even when he had risen to the top and was second in command of Egypt, when those men who were his brothers showed up to buy food, he TESTED their repentance before he even revealed his relationship to them, to see for himself what kind of men they had become. He had forgiven them, but he still didn’t TRUST them until he had PROVEN that they had actually CHANGED.
Forgiveness to me is about US, not them. Forgiving OURSELVES is about US as well. I think I OWE myself as much forgiveness as I owe it to forgive them. But trust them again, NEVER. But I have to LIVE WITH MYSELF, so I guess I better learn to TRUST ME as well, and to quit being so “hard on” myself for the things I have done that I am not proud of. I’m human too. I deserve my own forgiveness, because I have repented and changed my ways. I can trust myself again to be the person I KNOW I AM.
Forvive yourself for being human …..human I am ….I opened my heart my home and allowed this man to come between me and my children …you know when I think back today about what I i did …I thought I was a good judge of character , but hes good he plays a good game ,I know I’m human its been 10 months NC and I still cry but I would rather be where I am today then to go back to that ,NEVER.
I want to stop thinking about him about how I was a victim I so desperatly so want to move from this, I was lucky he never took money from me , just lies and cheating it should be easy…..hes moved on to a new victim I feel for her ….but I have to take care of me …….I’d rather be human
I too was taught to forgive others. To turn the other cheek. To error is human and to forgive divine is what I was taught. As a child I never knew how I could even forgive my parents, not until I grew up did I understand how easy it is for all of us to make mistakes. So for me forgiveness become easier as I reach my manhood. But then I learned something else on my journal to my personal life from child to man. That when I do forgive who benefits from this forgiveness? And also when I do forgive are all past wrongs wipe clean due to my forgiveness? So for the first question my answer was that all should benefit from my forgiveness but this is sometimes not really what happens. By forgiving that person I benefit because I allow my anger and shame to be resolved but if the one that was forgiven learn nothing from this then they will not benefit at all. The second answer to my second question was even harder to understand and learn. That my forgiveness doesn’t wipe away all wrongs. Not for me nor them. Only my lord and Father can do that. No my forgiveness allow only a second chance for both those who was wronged and those who were forgiven. I must forgive those that wrong me, but I must also forgive myself for allowing them to do that which I knew was wrong. Only then will I benefit from this forgiveness. As for them well that is something they will learn and if not then they will never benefit from anyone’s forgiveness. As for the second chance we all get from a forgiveness, if one learns again and then not repeat that which is wrong. Then we become renewed and wiser. But if one again allow this second chance to go by and not learn then they again will not benefit from this second chance given to them by forgiveness…
I always have had a hard time with this, always been hard on myself, and a perfectionist. BUT.. I know that my first husband and also my ex-bf used this to their own advantage, by pushing me until I got upset, then using that as an excuse for pulling away from me or running off to take care of some of their secret “business”. I always used to berate myself for these failures, and vow to try harder, but I’ve learned, this is just an excuse for them, I’m a pretty damn nice person most of the time, very loyal, very giving, and if they can’t deal with me being human.. oh well..
If I had been more perfect, they would have just pushed harder or used some other excuse.
WOW
This is a tough one! I think I have been dealing with a tremendous amount of humiliation of, how did i not see this coming, why didnt i check further into my gut feelings, why did I love a lieing cheating theif ???
My sister had to bring up why did you stay with him, I want to know why, we told you, we warned you, dont you watch Opra and Dr Phil…..holly molly are you kidding me….
that was painful as if the court date that I had to go on the day before wasnt enough BS to go through I got hit in the head with a sledge hammer with that one, lets put the knife in a turn it some more why dont you. Then i look back and doubt myself, get angry at myself and almost hate myself….for being with someone that was such a creep .. I didnt see it where was I????
I agree I have to forgive myself on my goodness how do I do that. This man affected so many lives and I cant live with the shame of being with someone like that.
These others the ppl that arent with the S’ N’s or P’s can not or will not understand the type of brainwashing that goes on that is the only answer I have PLUS I didnt think there were humans out there that lie soooo well.
Now that I have read you story I have more to think about thank you …..Ox Drover
Areyoukiddingme,
You’re right, other people who have not been close to a P do not understand the mind games but here we all do. All of us have been conned in some way or another and none of us should feel guilty for being their targets. I believe they could succeed with most people given the right circumstances and information.
In most societies we are programmed to forgive and give the benefit of the doubt – a principal that plays beautifully into the game of a deceiver. Add to that well meaning ‘advice’ from others who don’t really understand the disorder and it is not surprising that many of us take so long to heal.
We need to remind ourselves of what actually happened to us and resist second guessing. If you truly comprehend what these disordered people can do then you can forgive yourself and lay the blame firmly at the door of the guilty one – the P.
Forgivness in the sense of forgiving them is a difficult one for me as there will never be any acknowledgement of wrong doing. Instead I simply try to accept what has been done and know that it was not actually personal. I was just a number in a long line of numbers.
Swallow
I have forgiven him but not myself. It’s been 6 months since I last talked to my S and there are some days where I keep asking myself why I let him take control of everything in my life, from my heart to my wallet to my bank account. Forgiving myself is easier said than done but I had to forgive him because I know he’s sick and he somehow can’t help doing what he does “for a living” and also because the burden was too heavy to carry. That being said, I don’t know how I would react if I were to be alone in the same room with him…would I let him go or would I want to rip his heart out like he did mine?
I really admire your honesty. It’s a service to women. I too had many episodes of poor behavior which caused me much shame. Shame can cause us to blame others or blame our sleves ..neither being useful in a world so chaotic….shame is only useful when you are willing to make that change. And you only have to be willing to make the start of the journey. I had to change — I didn’t want to get another p in my life and I didn’t want to become a psychopath. When slaying the beast make sure you don’t become the beast. I cannot change anyone only myelf. I used to have a mantra. Your actions will not change me. They will not make me a whore, or a psycho. I am a woman of principles today. I answer to God. No one else. In forgiving myself I can learn to forgive. If I can make mistakes so can you. We are only the children of God trying to make our way in this world.
lykastia: i also forgave my ex, for the most part. he had a hard life, he lost both parents, he’s sick, oh, poor thing! but i too have yet to forgive myself. i LET him do what he did. i GAVE him the money he asked for … and boy, did he ask! i was unemployed and had to declare bankruptcy, but i felt bad not helping HIM out!!! can you believe that? what kind of jackass am i anyway? also, if i refused to give him money when he asked, he simply said, “no problem, i know where i can get it!” i knew he meant he would go to another female and ‘work’ for it … so i always relented. and he was doing that all along anyway. sigh.
my fear is that if i am ever again alone with him in a room would i beg him to come back? … beg him to have sex with me one more time? … or want to rip his heart out … just like you feel?
i get exhausted just thinking about it all.
some days good; some not so good.