By Ox Drover
In my journey toward healing from life’s pains, and from the PTSD and the pains caused by the trauma from the psychopaths, I think one of the hardest things has been to forgive myself.
I was raised in an abusive Christian atmosphere with a terrible, impossible definition of “forgiving others,” no matter what they did, no matter if they weren’t sorry, or how likely they were to repeat the abuse to me. I was programmed to try to meet my obligation to “forgive” when there was NO WAY I was going to trust them again. How could I?
While this previous “definition” of forgiveness of others who are unrepentant has changed post-trauma to a definition of getting the bitterness out of my own heart for what they did, but it does NOT INCLUDE restoration of TRUST or “pretending it didn’t happen.”
That done, I recently had an “ah ha” experience about “FORGIVING MYSELF” for the things I have done to others that were less than stellar acts. Acts that were down right nasty, vengeful, spiteful, etc.
Some of you may have read my little “parable” about how none of us would hold a grudge or get mad at our little pet dog that was injured and lying on the street with a broken leg, if we were to rush to our puppy’s aid, and in its blinding pain and fear it lashed out at us when we tried to pick it up and it bit us. That would be a totally different reaction on our parts from the way we would react to a dog that bit us every time we went to pet it or feed it, would attack us in our sleep or when our back was turned. Few of us would keep the “psychopathic dog” very long, but we would not at all be angry with our pet that bit us in his fear and pain. We would be understanding and compassionate, though the wound was deep and hurt like heck!
The old saying “there are two sides to every story” is one we have all heard, and many times that is true. There are in the above story two VIEWS—the one of the owner, and the one of the dog.
Many years ago I fell on some brick steps and hit my shin so hard that a huge bruise immediately rose up on my shin the size of half a large grapefruit. The injury was so unexpected, and so sudden, and so painful, that when my beloved husband reached out to extend me a hand to help me up, I immediately struck out verbally and actually SNARLED at him, “DON’T TOUCH ME!”
Another time, a couple of nights after my husband’s tragic and sudden death, a beloved friend of our family was there to console us, she had driven over seven hours to be there. She was very anxious and just kept chattering and chattering. In my pain, the sound of her voice was agony, and I asked her to please be quiet and go to sleep, which then upset her more and made her more anxious and she chattered louder and longer. I finally got up in her face and seething in rage, looked at her and told her to “Shut your lips, if another word or sound comes out of them I will hit you.” Right at that moment in my horrible pain I could have done so. I could actually have hit someone I dearly loved who is in no way anything but loving to me.
Looking back over these instances, I realized in my “ah ha” moment, that there are various things like this that I have done in my life that I am sure not proud of. In pain at various times I have struck out at the very people I loved who were there for me. I have also struck out at the psychopaths many times. I have said things and done things that I am sure not proud of. I have hurt people who loved me and were only trying to comfort me in my pain.
I also realized in my “ah ha” moment that I have not forgiven myself for these things. They still make me feel bad about myself, guilty, shamed, and imperfect.
How do I forgive myself for these things? Restore my own self esteem and trust in myself? I realize that I am human, and looking at the “parable” of the injured dog from the dog’s view point, I realize that those that love me realize, just like the little dog’s owner, that I was striking out in intense pain, and that those people still love me, and forgive me. That I also should realize that I have forgiven them when in their own pain they might have hurt me, so why am I holding myself to a higher standard than I hold others to? Why am I not allowing myself the same forgiveness that I extend to others, even the psychopaths?
I realized that I need to get the bitterness against MYSELF out of my own heart for being human. I acknowledge the wrongful acts I did in striking out at others, even the psychopaths, I feel great remorse for these acts, I have “repented” (made a promise to myself and others that I will not repeat this type of behavior), I have apologized, made restitution if I could, and in short, done everything I can to “make up for” these acts. The people I wronged (except for the psychopaths) have all forgiven me, and restored me to a trusting position in their lives, so I should also forgive myself and trust myself. Being in pain is no “excuse” for biting a lovingly extended hand, but it is definitely understandable.
My forgiving others, getting the bitterness out of my heart so that it does not hurt me, is important, I think, but forgiving myself, I think is just as important. My unkind acts or verbal assaults toward the psychopath did not “ruin the relationship.” If I had been perfect it would not have improved the one-sided relationship of all-taking on their part and all-giving on mine. My failure to please them was not my “fault” in any way. No one could have pleased them. My failure to see that and to cut the relationship sooner, to set boundaries and enforce them, rather than trying to placate them by allowing their abuse was not “right,” it wasn’t a good decision, but it is understandable considering the pain that I was in. It is now time to forgive myself for being human, for being fallible and making mistakes, and for even doing things I knew were wrong.
thanks everyone.
i have NO feelings for him. i just want to be left alone. i’d rewrite his damn resume (since i wrote it the first time!) if it would mean he’d never contact me again!
anyway, your advice was very helpful. i will do everything i can to keep the situation calm.
will let you know how it goes.
love you all.
Henry and Wini,
Thanks for your responses. I can’t believe it is past 3:00 in the morning here (west coast) and I’m not even sleepy.
Well, curiosity killed the cat. I went ahead and called the number in Asia that was listed on the cell phone bill. The call wouldn’t go through. However, I did call the number he made to Europe. Low and behold, it was his parents’ home phone number. It was difficult speaking to them as they are European and didn’t speak any English. However, I spoke to his sister and she speaks a little Spanish and so do I. So we were trying to communicate with eachother the best we could. It turns out that he told me some truths and an enormous amount of lies.
He told me that he hadn’t seen his family in 7 years. She told me it’s been 4 years. He told me that the last time he spoke to his stepmom was last month to talk about our wedding plans. She told me that her stepmom knew who I was because he told her that I was his girlfriend but that she was unaware about us getting married. He told me that his parents live in a mansion. She told me that they live in a simple house. He told me that his family was wealthy. She told me that they were not. He told me that his father was deceased. She told me that he is very much alive. He told me that his bio-mother was one ethnicity and that his bio- father was of another ethnicity. She told me that they were both the same ethnicity. He told me that his family had internet service at their house. She told me that they didn’t.
He told me that he didn’t want to teach me how to speak his language and now I know why….so I wouldn’t be able to call them and tell them that their son/brother is a PSYCHOPATH.
His sister told me that her family had no idea he was telling so many lies. They are curious to know more and asked if I could call them back in 9 hours. So I’m going to try and find someone who speaks their language to act as a translator. I have to say that it was good to finally speak to someone in his family because I never had. I almost started to think he was making his family up, too.
I just can’t put my finger on it. I thought a P is born a P….or does it develop and worsen as they get older? Did his family not see anything different about him when he was a young boy, teenager, young adult? I’m so confused because they truly didn’t sound like they really knew him and I want them to know the kind of person he truly is. Any thoughts?
heartoheart: Be careful and very cautious when speaking with his family. My EX had a heart to heart with the other fiance down in GA when they broke up. The woman claims she was so upset, went to counseling etc. cried on his sisters shoulders. His sister knows me and knows I was engaged to her brother. What’s up with that? Not giving her brother up or another con artist … accessing the damage and informing her brother who’s crying or who’s on to him? Same with my EX’s father (who died this week) … a few months ago I spoke with his Dad and told him what his son did to me. His father said “Wini, he’s married now” and “I love my son and I am proud of my son”. On that note, I hung up. What is he proud of? Proud of an illusion his son projects (not knowing his son’s a psychopath) … or, proud of raising a family of con artists and go away Wini?
Another thing that I never told anyone. Prior to my EX moving to Georgia … we were visiting his parents. His mom, acting all loving (or was loving … I can’t tell) was complaining about her wedding band being broken for years now … rubbing her finger and saying how she feels like she’s not a proper married woman, without a wedding band on her finger. Both her husband and her son ignored her. You got it, I went out and bought her a 3 toned gold wedding band. Beautiful. We (her son and I) gave it to her. She had to have it sized. I made arrangements at the jewelers to have this done. Gave them her name etc. Last year, after he left and married someone else … I contacted the jewelers. There is no record of me purchasing the ring. There is no record of her having the ring sized. There is no record of any family members purchasing the ring, my married name purchasing the ring … his sister’s married name purchasing it. Nothing is listed under the purchase date for anyone. Coincidence that this fell through the cracks. I think this family has been scamming folks their entire life. I think my EX exchanged anything I bought over the years … returned it … then days/months later, re purchased it either with cash or with one of his checks. Either way, it’s in his name with him holding all the receipts. All I have is my old checks and bank statements. I think they are very, very, very cleaver and we haven’t a clue on all the ways they scam society.
Just food for thought. I’d tape record the conversation with his family and NOT let them know you are doing it. I’d also get a friend on an extension phone … so you two can talk the conversation over. Tape record the conversation with the family members though. Just so you have proof.
I’m not saying this for you to be paranoid … just telling you to arm yourself for whatever happens.
Even my professor friend said “the family is all a bunch of grifters … setting me up … knowing I’m a soft heart … playing me to buy the ring for his mom”. They are all predators preying on us.
Peace.
I meant to say my EX’s sister had a heart to heart with the other woman while she knew I was engaged to her brother. Never confiding in me about the other woman.
HELP!
I don’t know what to do. I feel like I am regressing. I am not motivated to do anything and I feel completely paralyzed. Knowing that my ex-P left the apartment a mess for me to clean up infuriates me and knowing that he is in another country living the “good life” infuriates me even more.
And I don’t know what to do with the information that I have. I have the telephone number of the OW and I feel like I need to warn her. I feel like being proactive. I want to tell her who she is dealing with and then she is free to do whatever she wants with that information. At least when he decides to “devalue and discard” HER when the time is right, she can remember what I told her. And hopefully she, too, will be able to recognize the RED FLAGS and be proactive in HER healing. It’s a new playing ground for him because nobody knows him over there. And I know I am lucky that I didn’t marry him but it still hurts knowing that he had no intentions of marrying me despite all the plans. IT’S SICKENING!!
Sometimes I wish I didn’t know all the NEW information because that just set me back in my recovery again. I just want all this madness to end.
I AM SO FRUSTRATED!!
Heart it’s a cyclical kind of healing we have to go through, every new revelation or old memory produces another cycle. And it’s really annoying to find yourself “there again” over and over, but the truth is every time we go through it, the hurt is a little bit less traumatic, and the healing a little bit more pronounced. There’s a lot of “grief work” to do when things like this happen to us.
There’s the loss of the wonderful relationship we thought existed… it’s like grieving a death. Then there’s all the hurt and anger for everything they put us through. Then there’s the betrayal.. all the lies.. this is a whole trauma in and of itself. The worst part is all this simultaneous grief and anger leaves us longing for and despising the very same person. But like I said, every time it “cycles” it gets a little bit easier. Eventually it will just be another old memory.
Hearttoheart said: I just can’t put my finger on it. I thought a P is born a P”.or does it develop and worsen as they get older? Did his family not see anything different about him when he was a young boy, teenager, young adult? I’m so confused because they truly didn’t sound like they really knew him and I want them to know the kind of person he truly is. Any thoughts?
I dont know if it holds true for all P’s, but my ex P was a pathological liar that was apparent at any early age. His Mother commented on it numerous times, although she didn’t use the words pathological liar. Even when P was a small child he would lie about things that he KNEW she knew he was lying about. For. ex. she said he would sometimes get mad at her and say cruel things and taunt her. She’d tell his Dad when he got home from work, and the P would look all sweet and innocent, look her straight in the eye and deny he ever said it. She said she never could get her husband to believe her and he always thought she was just exaggerating. She said she used to threaten to buy a tape recorder to prove the P was the one lying.
Oh, plus he started drinking and having sex at age 12, per him anyway. As far as I know he only got in trouble once (that he got caught at anyhow) before reaching adulthood–vandalizing a school–and his Daddy donated some big wad to the school or something like that and got him out of it.
jen: i’ve known my ex-s/p/n since he was 13 years old and his mom was my dear friend for years (i’m 10 yrs older than my ex). at that time, he was a truant from school, was very sexually active (since the age of 12 — mostly with 15-17 yr old girls), and lied to everyone about everything. BUT, he was so cute and charming and precocious (even has a dimple!), that everyone dismissed it as merely mischievious.
he was everyone’s darling (and became mine when he seduced me when he was 17). it never occured to me that he was anything less than amazing. how he walked through the world, and with a wink he could get anyone to do anything for him. a smile and he owned you. there was a waiting list.
he was always like a bright, shiny disco ball that you couldn’t stop watching. charming. fascinating. stunning. a top-notch dancer. but underneath it all lurked satan himself. my fascination with him (”how does he DO that?”) was unquenchable. he was the most alpha-male, protective, sexual being ever, and i was hooked big time.
he was like that all his life, his mom would say.
simple unbelievable, isn’t it? but the literature i read said it gets worse as they get older as they lose their looks and their relevance as virile men. and, when they lose their primary parent, they regress to the point where, if any last boundaries existed, they disappear entirely.
:::::quiet and stunned now::::::
My X (P) (BPD) was a liar like none I have ever known. One time when he was living with me he threatened suicide – took an overdose. Not enuff too actually harm him, but just enuff to get my attention. I called his estranged mother and told her that her son needed help and he needed to leave my place, I was done with him. She said “He can’t come here – he is a Booger – I can’t do anything with him.” His father also estranged never called, none of his family would call or return his call’s. He didn’t have friend’s – just aquaintances or people he worked with. I never did a back ground check on him – I am just glad he is gone. 5 months No Contact now – I never had so much drama and trauma in my life – but it still hurt’s so bad – I don’t know how to explain it – I think the illusion they feed us is more intense than any reality. And he is with his new victim now and I have these thought’s in my head that he is happy and in love and I am here all alone – used up and discarded like a banana peel–oh poor me – I am just so sick of this – sick of myself – sick of his memory – evil memory…I will never understand how anyone can be so reckless with another’s good intention’s and feelings.