By Ox Drover
In my journey toward healing from life’s pains, and from the PTSD and the pains caused by the trauma from the psychopaths, I think one of the hardest things has been to forgive myself.
I was raised in an abusive Christian atmosphere with a terrible, impossible definition of “forgiving others,” no matter what they did, no matter if they weren’t sorry, or how likely they were to repeat the abuse to me. I was programmed to try to meet my obligation to “forgive” when there was NO WAY I was going to trust them again. How could I?
While this previous “definition” of forgiveness of others who are unrepentant has changed post-trauma to a definition of getting the bitterness out of my own heart for what they did, but it does NOT INCLUDE restoration of TRUST or “pretending it didn’t happen.”
That done, I recently had an “ah ha” experience about “FORGIVING MYSELF” for the things I have done to others that were less than stellar acts. Acts that were down right nasty, vengeful, spiteful, etc.
Some of you may have read my little “parable” about how none of us would hold a grudge or get mad at our little pet dog that was injured and lying on the street with a broken leg, if we were to rush to our puppy’s aid, and in its blinding pain and fear it lashed out at us when we tried to pick it up and it bit us. That would be a totally different reaction on our parts from the way we would react to a dog that bit us every time we went to pet it or feed it, would attack us in our sleep or when our back was turned. Few of us would keep the “psychopathic dog” very long, but we would not at all be angry with our pet that bit us in his fear and pain. We would be understanding and compassionate, though the wound was deep and hurt like heck!
The old saying “there are two sides to every story” is one we have all heard, and many times that is true. There are in the above story two VIEWS—the one of the owner, and the one of the dog.
Many years ago I fell on some brick steps and hit my shin so hard that a huge bruise immediately rose up on my shin the size of half a large grapefruit. The injury was so unexpected, and so sudden, and so painful, that when my beloved husband reached out to extend me a hand to help me up, I immediately struck out verbally and actually SNARLED at him, “DON’T TOUCH ME!”
Another time, a couple of nights after my husband’s tragic and sudden death, a beloved friend of our family was there to console us, she had driven over seven hours to be there. She was very anxious and just kept chattering and chattering. In my pain, the sound of her voice was agony, and I asked her to please be quiet and go to sleep, which then upset her more and made her more anxious and she chattered louder and longer. I finally got up in her face and seething in rage, looked at her and told her to “Shut your lips, if another word or sound comes out of them I will hit you.” Right at that moment in my horrible pain I could have done so. I could actually have hit someone I dearly loved who is in no way anything but loving to me.
Looking back over these instances, I realized in my “ah ha” moment, that there are various things like this that I have done in my life that I am sure not proud of. In pain at various times I have struck out at the very people I loved who were there for me. I have also struck out at the psychopaths many times. I have said things and done things that I am sure not proud of. I have hurt people who loved me and were only trying to comfort me in my pain.
I also realized in my “ah ha” moment that I have not forgiven myself for these things. They still make me feel bad about myself, guilty, shamed, and imperfect.
How do I forgive myself for these things? Restore my own self esteem and trust in myself? I realize that I am human, and looking at the “parable” of the injured dog from the dog’s view point, I realize that those that love me realize, just like the little dog’s owner, that I was striking out in intense pain, and that those people still love me, and forgive me. That I also should realize that I have forgiven them when in their own pain they might have hurt me, so why am I holding myself to a higher standard than I hold others to? Why am I not allowing myself the same forgiveness that I extend to others, even the psychopaths?
I realized that I need to get the bitterness against MYSELF out of my own heart for being human. I acknowledge the wrongful acts I did in striking out at others, even the psychopaths, I feel great remorse for these acts, I have “repented” (made a promise to myself and others that I will not repeat this type of behavior), I have apologized, made restitution if I could, and in short, done everything I can to “make up for” these acts. The people I wronged (except for the psychopaths) have all forgiven me, and restored me to a trusting position in their lives, so I should also forgive myself and trust myself. Being in pain is no “excuse” for biting a lovingly extended hand, but it is definitely understandable.
My forgiving others, getting the bitterness out of my heart so that it does not hurt me, is important, I think, but forgiving myself, I think is just as important. My unkind acts or verbal assaults toward the psychopath did not “ruin the relationship.” If I had been perfect it would not have improved the one-sided relationship of all-taking on their part and all-giving on mine. My failure to please them was not my “fault” in any way. No one could have pleased them. My failure to see that and to cut the relationship sooner, to set boundaries and enforce them, rather than trying to placate them by allowing their abuse was not “right,” it wasn’t a good decision, but it is understandable considering the pain that I was in. It is now time to forgive myself for being human, for being fallible and making mistakes, and for even doing things I knew were wrong.
henry: have you redone your place a bit? i found that changing things so that your living space doesn’t look like it did when you were there together helps a lot. even little changes (i got a new shower curtain, bath rug, throw for the sofa, etc) can give a ‘new’ aire.
when you said, ‘the illusion they feed us is more intense than any reality’ i know exactly what you mean. it’s as though you’re five and you’re looking at a shiny disco ball. i also think that my ex is sooooo happy. today he said to me, ”my life is GREAT!” didn’t fool me for a second. if his life is so great why is he raging at someone who never did a thing to hurt him … in 20 years?
they’re just crazed … all of them … pod people, i’m quite sure. they are so much alike it’s as though they were birthed from the same womb!
Lostingrief – I dug up the Lillies he planted – mowed down his wildflower garden and sprayed it with round -up. I threw away everything that reminds me of him. When he came here, his life possesion’s fit in a few cardboard boxes. I even took down my bedroom door that had a hole in it from one of his abandoment rages. I need to replace that. He knitted me a beautiful full size throw – I burned it. I gave his cat that he abandoned away to a good home. I burned and deleted all his pictures except one – I save that so I can look at evil – those empty cold eyes – have removed most of the thing’s that remind me of him. You know – we all talk about how bad and evil they are -how they did us so wrong. I did keep the strawberry bed we planted – some day I hope I can harvest strawberry’s and have a good memory of him – I don’t want to hate him – all I ever wanted was to love him – spend the rest of my life with him – all the thing’s I wanted – he mirrored – all the things we did – he did it with no emotion no joy – never a smile – never any genuine intimate moments – they were all feigned too keep me under his control – he would say” I love you ” twenty times a day – but it was always the back of his head that was talking – I think even the attention and affection he showed my dog’s was fake – the whole thing was fake – for him anyway – I do hope someday I can look back on my 3 year’s with him and try to understand that he was retarded instead of evil………….LIG thanx for lettin me vent
This quote makes so much sense for me { It is emotionally impossible to simultaneously pity yet suspect deceit. Your mind can only do one or the other} he would use pity to cover up his deceit. I felt sooo sorry for him – that is why it lasted 3 years – He manipulated me into feeling responsible for him.
Henry: Bravo, you got it.
Peace to your sweet, sweet heart. And remember, we do/did win, we have hearts to love others with. They don’t. Pretty simple deduction to me.
Hey Henry … did you ever think to just move the plants around … to make it your own creation. Not leaving them the way he left them, but to create your own masterpiece. A little radical just mowing the beautiful flowers down … as for his things he left behind … there’s always big brothers/big sisters … they’ll come over and pick the crap up … give it to someone who needs them.
Look at the positive side to them and what they are all about. If they didn’t come into our lives and wound us to the very depth of our souls … would we be able to build ourselves up bigger and better than before and have the realization that we are all on the right path in life … not like them … path, what path?
Some good people never get the chance to have the answer if they are doing what is right by our Lord. They have to wait until they die to learn the answer!
Peace.
wini I am a self employed landscaper. An avid gardener. My 2.5 acre farmette is my beautiful little peice of god’s earth. Not bragging – but it is beautiful. And it has good karma. He did not destroy that. He complained that it was My yard not HIS. MY home not HIS. I dont know what more I could of done to make it his home – his yard. I gave him space’s too do his own thing. But he never maintaned them. He disrespected my home. Burnt cig spots on my furniture etc. I dug up and mowed down his attempt’s to apease me, in a heated moment of rage, after he was gone. Wini one smart thing I did when I bought this place was put it in my son’s name. Because I know I would of put him (P) on the deed or some other stupid thing like that. But I would of made sure this was his home as long as he lived even after I am gone. If he had been sincere and really wanted to be a part of my life and my family’s life, my son’s would of let him live here until he moved on or died. But he never gave a rat’s ass about my home. He doesnt want the responsibility or interest involved in being a home owner. He will just live with victims off and on untill he is homeless. He doesnt think much about the future.
Henry, Henry, Henry. We can all tell the same story. They destroy anything we have out of jealousy. They can never do what we do … because we do, just to do, there is no ulterior motive behind our creating anything. That’s why we can get things done. They can’t do anything and are jealous of everyone they meet. Why? Because they have ulterior motives for doing anything they do in life. God doesn’t allow the double standards to mix … that’s why they will continue to be fueled with frustrations all their lives. That’s why he burned your chairs with his cigarette butt. He’s angry and he wanted to destroy you like he is destroyed in life.
My EX had my oriental “TREE of LIFE” rug down in GA. When he came back up, he threw the rug in the garage and told me not to look at it … that the moths got to it. Years after he moved out … and married someone off FriendFinder dating site … I cleaned out one bay of my garage (haven’t see the inside of my garage since the user and abuser moved in in 1999). Anyway, the rug was purposely ripped and holes cut into it. No way was this done by moths. That rug was a memory of my marriage to my husband, now deceased. My husband gave me two offers one year … either go to October Fest in Germany or buy the orientals for our wood floors in a Victorian we lived in. Of course, me being sensible, I chose the rugs.
My EX knew the story about the rug and that it was a memory of my deceased husband. That’s why he purposely destroyed it. I don’t have to hear his story out of his own mouth … I see the rug. Neuphy now sleeps on a torn oriental. Hey, I’m still making lemonaid out of lemons.
I love flowers … and I’m sure people residing in convalescent homes in your area … or area hospitals patients would have loved to have those wild flowers sent to them.
I have a pet peeved story about wild flowers. I bought all these wild flowers and planted them around my father’s grave … the year he died. I made his grave a wild flower garden and was going to bring my wrought iron bench up there so I could (or anyone could) sit and pray and be with my dad’s spirit. Some angry sibling of mine (no one admits to it, but I have my suspicions) tore all the flowers out and threw them away. Instead of just ripping them out and bringing them over to my house to plant, they just threw them away. So, any time I hear about wild flowers, reminds me of what happened at my father’s resting place. Yes, yes, they too (2 of my siblings) have ulterior motives why they do anything in life… and the selfish, greedy, jealousy saga continues for all of us, I guess.
Peace. I know you wanted to rid your space of his aura … but, think about who can use what you want to get rid of? I remember when my Dad died, all the flowers that were sent to his wake. My parents neighbors across the street said they had never seen so many flowers in their life (they volunteer at the church and make bouguets for residents in hospital etc. like I mentioned above). They told us, every hospital in the area (and I think there are 6 or 7) and every convelescent home’s resident got a bouquet. They never saw anything like this in their life time.
Anyway, all is borrowed for a time while we are down here … anyway. We didn’t bring anything into the world and no one (that I know of anyway) has ever taken anything with them when they leave.
Just another thought to ponder.
I just thought I’d share with LF bloggers what I received in my e-mail today.
The common thread this month (from Oprah) is love–not the hearts and flowers kind that, as you may have learned the hard way, is destined to shatter or wilt, but the messy, imperfect sort that enlarges your soul. We figure it out, piece by piece.
“You pay attention so I can take myself seriously so I can take you seriously, so I pay attention. It’s a miracle. I love you”.
by Jane Martin
Today i get another hang up call i know it’s her, she surfs the Match site for new victims, i gave her heart my soul and my home and my family,i remember her telling me it was all my fault, there will come a time when you will not hear their lies and know they are not capable of love or compassion, thank God we are not like them.
Sorry for leaving out my heart in the last post.