By Ox Drover
In my journey toward healing from life’s pains, and from the PTSD and the pains caused by the trauma from the psychopaths, I think one of the hardest things has been to forgive myself.
I was raised in an abusive Christian atmosphere with a terrible, impossible definition of “forgiving others,” no matter what they did, no matter if they weren’t sorry, or how likely they were to repeat the abuse to me. I was programmed to try to meet my obligation to “forgive” when there was NO WAY I was going to trust them again. How could I?
While this previous “definition” of forgiveness of others who are unrepentant has changed post-trauma to a definition of getting the bitterness out of my own heart for what they did, but it does NOT INCLUDE restoration of TRUST or “pretending it didn’t happen.”
That done, I recently had an “ah ha” experience about “FORGIVING MYSELF” for the things I have done to others that were less than stellar acts. Acts that were down right nasty, vengeful, spiteful, etc.
Some of you may have read my little “parable” about how none of us would hold a grudge or get mad at our little pet dog that was injured and lying on the street with a broken leg, if we were to rush to our puppy’s aid, and in its blinding pain and fear it lashed out at us when we tried to pick it up and it bit us. That would be a totally different reaction on our parts from the way we would react to a dog that bit us every time we went to pet it or feed it, would attack us in our sleep or when our back was turned. Few of us would keep the “psychopathic dog” very long, but we would not at all be angry with our pet that bit us in his fear and pain. We would be understanding and compassionate, though the wound was deep and hurt like heck!
The old saying “there are two sides to every story” is one we have all heard, and many times that is true. There are in the above story two VIEWS—the one of the owner, and the one of the dog.
Many years ago I fell on some brick steps and hit my shin so hard that a huge bruise immediately rose up on my shin the size of half a large grapefruit. The injury was so unexpected, and so sudden, and so painful, that when my beloved husband reached out to extend me a hand to help me up, I immediately struck out verbally and actually SNARLED at him, “DON’T TOUCH ME!”
Another time, a couple of nights after my husband’s tragic and sudden death, a beloved friend of our family was there to console us, she had driven over seven hours to be there. She was very anxious and just kept chattering and chattering. In my pain, the sound of her voice was agony, and I asked her to please be quiet and go to sleep, which then upset her more and made her more anxious and she chattered louder and longer. I finally got up in her face and seething in rage, looked at her and told her to “Shut your lips, if another word or sound comes out of them I will hit you.” Right at that moment in my horrible pain I could have done so. I could actually have hit someone I dearly loved who is in no way anything but loving to me.
Looking back over these instances, I realized in my “ah ha” moment, that there are various things like this that I have done in my life that I am sure not proud of. In pain at various times I have struck out at the very people I loved who were there for me. I have also struck out at the psychopaths many times. I have said things and done things that I am sure not proud of. I have hurt people who loved me and were only trying to comfort me in my pain.
I also realized in my “ah ha” moment that I have not forgiven myself for these things. They still make me feel bad about myself, guilty, shamed, and imperfect.
How do I forgive myself for these things? Restore my own self esteem and trust in myself? I realize that I am human, and looking at the “parable” of the injured dog from the dog’s view point, I realize that those that love me realize, just like the little dog’s owner, that I was striking out in intense pain, and that those people still love me, and forgive me. That I also should realize that I have forgiven them when in their own pain they might have hurt me, so why am I holding myself to a higher standard than I hold others to? Why am I not allowing myself the same forgiveness that I extend to others, even the psychopaths?
I realized that I need to get the bitterness against MYSELF out of my own heart for being human. I acknowledge the wrongful acts I did in striking out at others, even the psychopaths, I feel great remorse for these acts, I have “repented” (made a promise to myself and others that I will not repeat this type of behavior), I have apologized, made restitution if I could, and in short, done everything I can to “make up for” these acts. The people I wronged (except for the psychopaths) have all forgiven me, and restored me to a trusting position in their lives, so I should also forgive myself and trust myself. Being in pain is no “excuse” for biting a lovingly extended hand, but it is definitely understandable.
My forgiving others, getting the bitterness out of my heart so that it does not hurt me, is important, I think, but forgiving myself, I think is just as important. My unkind acts or verbal assaults toward the psychopath did not “ruin the relationship.” If I had been perfect it would not have improved the one-sided relationship of all-taking on their part and all-giving on mine. My failure to please them was not my “fault” in any way. No one could have pleased them. My failure to see that and to cut the relationship sooner, to set boundaries and enforce them, rather than trying to placate them by allowing their abuse was not “right,” it wasn’t a good decision, but it is understandable considering the pain that I was in. It is now time to forgive myself for being human, for being fallible and making mistakes, and for even doing things I knew were wrong.
Wini You have so much wisdom and good kind word’s of comfort and understanding. I think you are wonderful – but it will be a very long time before I will pray for him to find God. I may forgive him. I may stop calling him evil and start calling him spiritually challenged. I have rescued my soul from his grasp. I don’t want to pray for him to find God – he can do that on his own…..
I used to think if my first husband ever finds God, heaven won’t be big enough for the two of us.. then I realized he just can’t, not unless he gives up his entire lifestyle, thinking processes and all. I’m not even so sure I’m right with God myself these days.
Henry, Henry, Henry: We pray for them to find God and ask God for them to be allowed to get close to him, because if we don’t pray for them, who will? Praying for them is part of our healing process. You may not understand it right now … but the more you heal, the more understanding you’ll acquire. Right now, we are all dealing with putting our lives back together. Finding peace and harmony again. What most of us were in a battle with was GREED. Selfish, self centered, self absorbed GREED. I don’t care what you want to call them, whether it’s from the mental health aspect or the church aspect or our own aspect. Our X’s figured out a better way to make money, that of dating people and taking what they could get. Period. How do you spell G-R-E-E-D. Mother of all sins. That’s why they won’t talk to anyone. They don’t want to let anyone know that they are motivated, pray to, worship, live every waking hour since they were kids … focusing on their own selfish greed. And when we were used up … they moved on. Why police and courts don’t understand this is the new way of the “bank robbers” I don’t know. I guess getting confused by their spin, crying the blues, telling tales that I was abused, I was misunderstood, I was this I was that. I was noting, they are greedy. Period. My bosses, their cronies, my attorney, my fiance all played me for their own GREEDY purposes. Period. I never saw so many road blocks put up in my face … than to just do their jobs. It’s one greedy person helping other greedy person and the rest of us who aren’t greedy. We’re not in the in-crowd, the club. That’s why I tell everyone, get over your pain and the cloud of illusion they put over you to cover up their motive of greed. Pure unadulterated, greed. They don’t care to pay their bills, not that they don’t know how, they don’t want to cause of their greed. They cheat on us, due to greed. They lie because of their greed. They jump from relationship to relationship because of their greed. That’s why I say they are “spiritually stunted”. Stuck back in childhood with those big eyes looking a the penny candy store … give me, give me, give me. Except, as they grew older … it went beyond the penny candy store … it’s anything pertaining to what their greedy selves want. So, do you think any of them are going to give themselves up? To their bosses? To their spouses? To a therapist? The police? The courts? GREEDY is what GREEDY does. SHAME ON ALL OF THEM!
And I will still pray for them, all of them. For if I don’t, who will?
Peace.
The Bible says to “pray for those that persecute you”—and I do do that. At first I prayed out loud, saying the words, but not actually meaning them. I really DIDN’T mean those words, I wanted in my heart for God to strike them with a bolt out of the blue, but I MADE myself say those words, “God bless X (the P) and soften his/her heart” Eventually, believe it or not, it did HELP ME, it softened MY HEART, not to “pity” them or want them back in my life, but helped me get the BITTERNESS and WRATH and UGLY feelings out of MY heart.
I eventually got to where most of the time I can acutally MEAN the prayers I pray for them.
Jesus in many of his teachings attacked the “religious psychopaths” of his day, who were pretending to be “oh, so HOLY” and yet they were the very ones who were cheating others, robbing the widows and orphans, neglecting the care of their own elderly parents IN THE NAME OF RELIGION. They were the ones to “cast the first stone”—the passage that talks about the Pharisee (a particularly “strict” sect of the Jews) standing in the temple praying and thanking God that he was such a holy and upright man, not like the poor tax collector humbly bowing in prayer next to him saying “Have mercy on me”—yet, Jesus said that it was the humble tax collector who went down to his house “justified” not the Pharisee who PRETENDED TO BE UPRIGHT AND HOLY, WHILE DOING EVIL DEEDS.
While I think that God is capable of doing anything, even making Satan “nice”—I still believe in the FREE WILL of everyone who has enough brains to KNOW right from wrong.
The Psychopaths DO KNOW “good and evil” and they CHOOSE evil. Sometimes I have chosen to do what is wrong, and I knew it was wrong, does that make me a psychopath? No, it makes me HUMAN, FALIBLE, strong willed sometimes, selfish sometimes, stupid sometimes, but the DIFFERENCE IN ME AND “THEM” (the Ps) is that I AM WILLING TO ACKNOWLEDGE THAT I HAVE DONE WRONG, AND CHANGE MY WAYS. My “wrong doing” (sin, if you will) is not a PATTERN of UNcaring behavior. I do not think I have a “special dispensation” to do or take whatever I want just because I want it, no matter how it hurts others. I do not ENJOY hurting others. I realize that the rules DO apply to me. I can LOVE, God, others and myself. I can also choose to do right or wrong, but generally, I chose what I think is right. When I do choose what I know is wrong, my conscience tells me that I have done wrong and I should not do it any more, that I should make amends for what I have done if it has harmed another.
In the “long run” in this life, what each of is takes out of this life is not what we have accumulated, not money, or things, but WHO we are when we die. WHAT we are when we die. The good that we have done, or the harm will ripple out like the ripples from a stone thrown into a lake, that’s what we leave, and that’s what we take.
Wini is totally RIGHT about their (the P’s) greed—they want it ALL, whatever anyone else has that they can get by SELFISH and self centered means—-and the ripples that their evil taking does, they don’t care.
Yes, children are selfish as they start to realize they are separate from their mothers, and they want what they want when they want it and are not intellectually capable of seeing consequences or of willingly sharing. They have to learn these things—-and even the Ps learn that these things are what they are SUPPOSED to do, but they don’t like the RULES so they aren’t going to abide by them….they see no point in abiding by them. “Normal” (non-P) people see that there are advantages to themselves AND to society to abide by these rules, to delay gratification, to CARE about others. The Ps don’t. It’s ultimately THEIR loss (the P’s loss) as I think our lives are much much MUCH richer because we have the capacity to bond, to love, to care, and to share. Just cause they might “die with the most toys” doesn’t mean they “won.”
Well said Oxy, well said. May I add that Jesus knows what is in a wo/man’s heart when doing anything. Jesus knows when something is done accidently versus deliberately. There is no masks that Jesus can’t see through.
“They” think they can get away with anything on everyone… except when it comes to judgment day. Face to face with God.
Live your life righteously the way God wants us to live.
Peace.
What I’ve been through the last 10 years, no matter how they wanted to spin it, no matter what they said to justify it … no matter what smoke screen, pointing their fingers at me or someone else (blame game to it’s fullest) it all came down to greed. Each and every one of them was selfish and greedy and broke any and all rules of decency to obtain what they wanted. My bosses, my attorney, my fiance … all did wrong by me due to their own greed. Yet, they still walk around, no shakles on their legs, no handcuffs on their wrists, no bars to peer between … acting like they were wronged, they were misunderstood … yes, and they all go to church and play the roll of good Christians or whatever their religious affiliations are. That’s how I figured out they violated the very fist commandment and what that first commandment really means … ‘thou shalt not have any other gods before me”. Meaning, thou shalt not live in and believe in your own EGO. Their ego is their god.
Peace.
Oxy – Wini – Help me with this. When (M) moved in with me, that first year he didn’t help much with money, gave me just enuff to apease me. He would blow most of his money at the casino. One time we got back a check from the dental ins. for 730.00 he blew all of it at the casino and lied about where it went. I payed all the bill’s etc. If we went to buy grocery’s he would help pay etc. But after a year of this I kicked him out said I was not sugar daddy material. Well he begged his way back in (he was homeless) and said he would give me his check every two weeks and I could handle the money. Well he resented that, because it took alot of money to keep us both going. But he did give me his money. But I think he was buying security until something better came along. And during the last few months of our relationship the mental and physical turmoil took a tole on me and I got behind on some bill’s, always trying to keep him afloat. So one time I found a receipt of his to a motel room and confronted him about it. He said it was cheaper than having sex with me. Well I kicked him out for good. But the fact that he gave me money make’s me feel like he was not greedy or was he? I still ended up filing bankruptsy after he left. But he said it was not his fault that I could not manage money. Well I have always managed ok until he came along. So OXY I don’t feel like I was a sugar daddy or was I? I think the money he gave me was buying him a place to sleep – shower -and use my computer to find a richer victim. But he will give the new victim all his money as long as he is taken care of to his satisfaction and when and if the new guy has a financial crisis Mike will pack his cardboard boxes and move on to someone new. Is he greedy when he gives you his money?
Henry, that is demeaning behaviour on his (M) part, to drag you down to that level. My ex gambled too and frequently had to scrounge round for small loans from family to keep him afloat, I thought for a man working full hours that shows that he does not have discipline around handling his money – his energy and then they drag you down too. I got myself into a savings situation and then when I met the ex, i found i started drawing on my overdraft, then I WAS in deficit, he was costing me money. Bottom line, he did not add value, he took it away. When they give you money, it is probably because they operate on a feast and famine principle and they splash it around abit with those who are on a short string, so that those people will sub them when they get short. How you doing Henry?
Henry, you and I are a million times of a better calibre than those people – why did we let them compromise us, so that we were drawn into their shoddy behaviour?
henry: i had to file bankruptcy too, because even when i was unemployed he always came to me with his ’emergencies’ — ”but my cell phone will be cut off!” “just pay ONE of my credit cards.” if i didn’t ‘lend him’ money when he wanted/needed it, he would always say to me, “if you don’t give it to me, i know where i can get it” and i always knew that meant he would go be with another female. so out of fear, i always relented. how sickening and stupid and disgusting!
bottom line: they ALWAYS have an ulterior motive. if the money he was giving you was enough to support him, you wouldn’t have gone bankrupt just trying to take care of yourself … right? you stated: ‘i always managed ok until he came along.” case closed.
greed comes in many forms. yes, he was greedy. and then he put the blame on you by telling you that you can’t manage money. sorry, but he’s your typical s/p schmucko.
at least you got some money. i just gave and gave and gave and then found out that he was using MY money to make it look to his new GF that he was a big shot with money!
these creeps are unbelievable. they give so little that when they give even a tiny bit, we tend to aggrandize it.
let’s not.
:::::::hugs:::::::
TOWANDA!!!