By Ox Drover
In my journey toward healing from life’s pains, and from the PTSD and the pains caused by the trauma from the psychopaths, I think one of the hardest things has been to forgive myself.
I was raised in an abusive Christian atmosphere with a terrible, impossible definition of “forgiving others,” no matter what they did, no matter if they weren’t sorry, or how likely they were to repeat the abuse to me. I was programmed to try to meet my obligation to “forgive” when there was NO WAY I was going to trust them again. How could I?
While this previous “definition” of forgiveness of others who are unrepentant has changed post-trauma to a definition of getting the bitterness out of my own heart for what they did, but it does NOT INCLUDE restoration of TRUST or “pretending it didn’t happen.”
That done, I recently had an “ah ha” experience about “FORGIVING MYSELF” for the things I have done to others that were less than stellar acts. Acts that were down right nasty, vengeful, spiteful, etc.
Some of you may have read my little “parable” about how none of us would hold a grudge or get mad at our little pet dog that was injured and lying on the street with a broken leg, if we were to rush to our puppy’s aid, and in its blinding pain and fear it lashed out at us when we tried to pick it up and it bit us. That would be a totally different reaction on our parts from the way we would react to a dog that bit us every time we went to pet it or feed it, would attack us in our sleep or when our back was turned. Few of us would keep the “psychopathic dog” very long, but we would not at all be angry with our pet that bit us in his fear and pain. We would be understanding and compassionate, though the wound was deep and hurt like heck!
The old saying “there are two sides to every story” is one we have all heard, and many times that is true. There are in the above story two VIEWS—the one of the owner, and the one of the dog.
Many years ago I fell on some brick steps and hit my shin so hard that a huge bruise immediately rose up on my shin the size of half a large grapefruit. The injury was so unexpected, and so sudden, and so painful, that when my beloved husband reached out to extend me a hand to help me up, I immediately struck out verbally and actually SNARLED at him, “DON’T TOUCH ME!”
Another time, a couple of nights after my husband’s tragic and sudden death, a beloved friend of our family was there to console us, she had driven over seven hours to be there. She was very anxious and just kept chattering and chattering. In my pain, the sound of her voice was agony, and I asked her to please be quiet and go to sleep, which then upset her more and made her more anxious and she chattered louder and longer. I finally got up in her face and seething in rage, looked at her and told her to “Shut your lips, if another word or sound comes out of them I will hit you.” Right at that moment in my horrible pain I could have done so. I could actually have hit someone I dearly loved who is in no way anything but loving to me.
Looking back over these instances, I realized in my “ah ha” moment, that there are various things like this that I have done in my life that I am sure not proud of. In pain at various times I have struck out at the very people I loved who were there for me. I have also struck out at the psychopaths many times. I have said things and done things that I am sure not proud of. I have hurt people who loved me and were only trying to comfort me in my pain.
I also realized in my “ah ha” moment that I have not forgiven myself for these things. They still make me feel bad about myself, guilty, shamed, and imperfect.
How do I forgive myself for these things? Restore my own self esteem and trust in myself? I realize that I am human, and looking at the “parable” of the injured dog from the dog’s view point, I realize that those that love me realize, just like the little dog’s owner, that I was striking out in intense pain, and that those people still love me, and forgive me. That I also should realize that I have forgiven them when in their own pain they might have hurt me, so why am I holding myself to a higher standard than I hold others to? Why am I not allowing myself the same forgiveness that I extend to others, even the psychopaths?
I realized that I need to get the bitterness against MYSELF out of my own heart for being human. I acknowledge the wrongful acts I did in striking out at others, even the psychopaths, I feel great remorse for these acts, I have “repented” (made a promise to myself and others that I will not repeat this type of behavior), I have apologized, made restitution if I could, and in short, done everything I can to “make up for” these acts. The people I wronged (except for the psychopaths) have all forgiven me, and restored me to a trusting position in their lives, so I should also forgive myself and trust myself. Being in pain is no “excuse” for biting a lovingly extended hand, but it is definitely understandable.
My forgiving others, getting the bitterness out of my heart so that it does not hurt me, is important, I think, but forgiving myself, I think is just as important. My unkind acts or verbal assaults toward the psychopath did not “ruin the relationship.” If I had been perfect it would not have improved the one-sided relationship of all-taking on their part and all-giving on mine. My failure to please them was not my “fault” in any way. No one could have pleased them. My failure to see that and to cut the relationship sooner, to set boundaries and enforce them, rather than trying to placate them by allowing their abuse was not “right,” it wasn’t a good decision, but it is understandable considering the pain that I was in. It is now time to forgive myself for being human, for being fallible and making mistakes, and for even doing things I knew were wrong.
Good Morning, all,
LIG, you wrote “it just occured to me ” sitting here ” that the things my s/p did to devastate me were the exact same ones he swore he would/could never do. EVERYTHING he promised he wouldn’t do, he did.
but he didn’t just do it, he lusted in it, he revelled in it; a malicious heathen from hell.
wow. it’s so surreal sometimes. he’s more like a creature than a human. he dragged me along the ground for months as he lied and cheated and wormed his way out and into someone else’s life, bed, soul and bank account.” I was thinking this very same thing when I woke up this morning. I haven’t been sleeping well and every morning I wake up thinking about what he did to me for almost three years. Anyway…
Yesterday, I finally started to clean up my apartment, which was a big step for me. I had been unmotivated and felt paralyzed to do anything since returning to my apartment four days ago (after staying with a family member for two weeks). I was so angry and frustrated when I was cleaning up the mess that he had left behind. I remember he said he was going to clean the apartment before he left for Europe. I was supposed to join him two weeks later and we were supposed to get married (which was a lie!) Anyway, I remember telling him not to worry about it because it’ll keep me busy during the two weeks we were apart. I hadn’t realized what a mess he left behind until I started cleaning and I’m still not done. I feel like I barely scratched the surface. I still have a long way to go. Also, I didn’t realize how much of my things were damaged because of him. He had total disregard and no respect for my things. I may need to replace some of them. This infuriates me to the Nth degree.
Well, after hours and hours of cleaning, my friend/neighbor (female) text messaged me to check up on me and invite me to come over to eat and drink some wine. She also mentioned that another neighbor (male) was joing us. It felt good to get out (I mean climb up one flight of stairs) and start socializing again. I hadn’t seen nor spoken to my male neighbor in a while. He was asking what I had been up to and how my boyfriend was doing. I proceeded to tell him that we were no longer together and that he was wasn’t the man I thought he was. He apologized and was very kind and sympathetic. Then he asked me what happened, then my female neighbor blurted something about my situation (which caught me off guard) and then I started revealing information little by little without details and he put two and two together and asked if he is a con artist. Then I replied “yes” and added “he is a psychopath/sociopath/AsPD.” He apologized again and said that I was better off without him and that I had been at the wrong place at the wrong time. Then after eating, drinking, chatting, listening to good music, I went home. I hadn’t realized that I had been out for six hours. When I got home, I started to feel bad and ashamed all over again. I guess it was revealing and talking about what had happened to me AGAIN. I was also a little peeved that my female neighbor started telling him about my situation. I will tell people when “I” am ready to tell people. I know she had been drinking and she apologized to me afterwards. I kindly asked her to refrain from telling people about my life in the future. I think she got the hint. Anyway, I felt like a LOSER even though I know that I am the WINNER. I know this feeling is normal and that it will go away in time but for now, it is a “thorn in my side”.
And Oh Dear Wini, you totally hit the nail on the head with your last three threads. Hmmm…what did the P used to say to me?
“I only stay in the States because of YOU and because I love you so much and I want you to be my wife and the mother of my children. I want to build a life with you and grow old with you.”
“You are the love of my life. If I have no you I might as well be dead.”
“Never I find one woman like you.”
“You are a simple woman. All you want is love and quality time and that’s what I love about you.”
“You are the best lover never I have.”
And he would never call me by my real name nor did he like it when I called him by his real name. He always called me “Baby”, “My Love”, “My Sweetness”, “My Heart”, “My Darling” (in his language) and list goes on and on. I used to just call him “Baby” or “My Love”. I have a few names I’d like to call him now!
Wini, not only should Oprah should do a show on this, I think all of us LF bloggers should be on it as well. So that the world can see all of us and to let them know that they, too, can be victimized just as easily as we were if they don’t educate themselved and become aware of the RED FLAGS.
Well, today I am going to TRY to resume cleaning my apartment and then I might go dancing tonight. We’ll see how I feel later on. I may just want to stay in tonight. The weather here is gloomy and my gloomy mood is starting to kick in. I hope all of you are enjoying the weekend.
Take care and God bless,
heartoheart
Heartoheart….
I could certianly feel your pain and brokeness in your post above… as I read it, my own memories of those first few weeks/months came flooding back….feeling punched in the stomach, and that knot in your throat.. and your head aching because of the tapes that run over and over in your mind…the knowledge that you are better off without him in your life is little consolation at this point, but it’s the truth all the same. Feeling the anger, the embarrassment, the hurt, the rejection, trying to see through the lies… and now you examine everything that was ever said or done with the new spin of sociopath..lies..lies…and more lies.This hurts more then losing a spouse to death… I know, because I have had that too and when I compare the two events, there is no comparison….THIS HURTS!!!…………
For me, my healing began when I started to examine my prioties in the kind of people I wanted in my life….and not just in love relationships, but in friendships….in ALL relationships..
Character triats that include the virtues of Honor, Loyalty, Integrity, Love, Truth, Empathy, Tenderness, Compassionate, Tolerance, Humility, Graciousness, Courageous, Honesty, Positive, Faithfulness, Forgiveness, and Godliness.
After I made my list, I looked around at the people who were in my life… some had to go, others I held on to…. But when I compared the list to the sociopath… well it was a no-brainer.. she didn’t even have one of those virtues…. So.. yes.. it hurts, but I grew wiser, not bitter, and now I make good choices when it comes to who I allow in my life…. I believe that God allowed this to happen to me and my son for a good reason.. and that reason, I may never truly understand.. but I can see so many positive things because of it….. I now have decernment and wisdom…. Pain is the ultimate teacher… God knew I would get through this, and in doing so, I would be refined and shaped…. The journey isn’t easy, nor is it without doubts and mistakes…. but we must proceed forward with our lives…. heartoheart your journey to heal has just begun…. and like the rose that opens it pedals.. you will rise above and beyond the ashes of the past with the sociopath and become the beautiful butterfly that you were always intended to be.
“Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable–if anything is excellent or praiseworthy–think about such things.”
~ Phillipians 4:9
Dear Southernman,
You took the words right out of my mouth! I was thinking last night as I lay in bed reading the Bible and sort of meditating on some of the things I was reading.
When we start looking at the people we “associate with”— whatever the relationship is — friend, neighbor, family member, lover, etc— if they are not the kind of people with GOOD character traits of your list, why on earth are we associated with these people? “Evil companions corrupt good morals”
I remember when I was a kid, and I would start hanging around with some other kid, my step father (who was a great judge of character) would say to me “Babe, ______(fill in the name) just won’t do.” I would argue with him, as most teenagers would do, that my friend was a great person and he hardly even knew them.
Of course, it wasn’t long before I found out he was RIGHT and that person “wouldn’t do” to hang around with. Dad wasn’t pushy with his assessments most of the time, I wish he had been MORE pushy actually! But he was ALWAYS RIGHT when he made an assessment. It was like he had very great decernment and I know he had a lot of wisdom.
When my P-son was a teenager, he had been lving with mom and dad and while he was living there he stole a small pistol from Dad that was kept in his sock drawer for as long as I can remember. My son ALWAYS denied having taken this pistol, although it is pretty logical that HE was the ONLY thief who knew where it was.
When dad was dying and I knew he didn’t have long to live, I wrote P-son a letter and BEGGED him to “apologize” to dad for stealing the gun. I BEGGED him to admit it, EVEN IF HE DIDNT steal it, though I too knew it HAD TO BE HIM, but I hoped that if he did apologize that my dad could go to his death not feeling badly toward my P-son, that it might heal his disappointment in the grandson he loved.
Well, P-son DID write a letter to Dad “apologizing” for taking the gun, but he actually blamed the theft on his friend, Steve, and said “I should have told you, I knew, but it was Steve whose actual hand took it.” (typical P, still blaming others)
Dad read the letter from my P-son, then made a SPITTING NOISE and threw the letter aside in a contemptious manner.
I picked it up and read it, and was MORTIFIED, and ashamed that my P-son had written a letter that a 3-year old could have told was NOT A SINCERE APOLOGY. Dad “got it”—as always, and I was the one who was “disappointed in my son” but I DID NOT GET IT, not really. Looking back I wish now I had listened to Dad’s subtle “Babe he won’t do”—I wish DAd had been more PUSHY and had gotten up in my face sometimes like he had to when I was a kid and TOLD ME “Babe, s/he won’t do, and you are NOT going to hang around him/her.”
But that is WATER UNDER THE BRIDGE, and EGGS I DROPPED, AND THEY CAN’T BE RECALLED.
You are right, Southern man, there is no TEACHER like PAIN. I guess I am just hard headed enough that I won’t learn the lesson without the “Ultimate” teacher, Mr. Pain. But I get it now!!
Oxy…..
Your Father was a wise man, and like our Father in Heaven, he tried to steer you away from bad.. but we have our own free will and sometimes it’s hard to listen to those who love us and want to spare us pain and hurt. I now include God in all of my affiars, including relationships…. When the day comes that I meet a woman who captivtes me, you can be sure that I will go to my Heavenly Father and ask Him to reveal her to me. I have met a few woman since my socio and since my conversion and have always done this.. and He shows me rather quickly that what I see with my eyes isn’t always what I’ll get….. and I thank and praise Him each time that he gently shows me the path I want to go down isn’t the one He has in mind… for my own good….. He is a loving Father.. like your earthy one…. The key is to hear his voice, and to that is to listen and be of pure heart.
Dear Southernman,
I frequently go to the book of Proverbs in the Old Testement, just to read for a little while before I go to sleep, and there is so much good advice there.
I also like to read the essays of Samuel Johnson, the philosopher. His moral essays are very enlightening.
In our daily lives, we meet and interact with lots of different kinds of people, and the people that we are “close to”—friends, whatever– those are the ones that we are influenced by.
My Step-Dad knew that I would be influenced by the kind of kids I hung out with or dated, for better or for worse, and tried to stear me away from those that would have bad influences on me. For the most part he succeeded.
His Christ-centered faith and life had a large impact on many people who knew him, especially me. The 18 months before his death, when he had cancer and I was privilidged to care for him, we had some of the BEST times together that we had ever had, we laughed more and just enjoyed a special fellowship. Those are times I will treasure in my heart as long as I live. The grace with which he endured his cancer and declining physical health was a blessing to everyone who knew him. Even his hospice nurse, who was off the night he passed away, came to the house that night on her own time to stay with us, even though the agency had sent another paid nurse in her place for that shift.
His home was filled that night, his bedside surrounded by between 30 and 40 people who loved and admired him as he peacefully slipped away, the last sounds he heard were the music of his favorite hymn, “Count Your Many Blessings” being sung by those who loved him. Even now I can’t hear that song without sentimental tears. HE was the biggest earthly blessing I was ever given by God, and I am so thankful for that blessing.
Yes.. Proverbs for wisdom… I also spend a lot of time in Psalms…. I can relate so very much to David…. he is like a everyman, even though he was anointed by God. In Psalms, you can read is heart so clear.. crying out to God in fear and pain, praising him, reminding Him of His promises to His people…..Your step-dad was truly a man of God, like David.. it takes great humility to endure a terminal illness with dignity. After the sociopath, I wanted nothing more then to fill my life with those who spoke truth, were giving of themselves…. People like your step-dad.. who live their life with integrity and honor.
Hi Heartoheart. My ex-P cut me off from talking to my neighbors. He didn’t even want me to wave hello. After he left, I found it comforting to tell my neighbors everything he did. One of the guys shared a similar story with me about a woman he almost married. She took him to the cleaners and also was a P. He said if there is anything I can do for you, let me know. The other neighbor is a minister. I keep him updated about my steps in trying to get the P to sign back over the deed to my property in my name. He’s great. He prays for me everynight. This blog also helps me get through this tough time in my life. I can’t wait until I’m at the point where I look back and say, Thank God it’s all over.
Everyone, we all know people fall in and out of love. I keep wondering to myself, maybe my P just fell out of love with me and in love with someone else. But then I think, if that’s the case, why didn’t he just cut me loose and go to her? Why did he have to stay in my home with his son for 2 years while he was leading a double life and suck me dry of my money and use me to get a car, ask me to put his name on the deed to my home? when I met him, he told me it was over between him and his wife and they were separated. Later I found out from the wife he had sent her away to Puerto Rico for 3 months to be with his mom to “sort things out.” Those 3 months were our “honeymoon period.” You just don’t fall out of love with someone so soon do you? He was only married to her for 6 months. Perhaps he never loved any of us, you think? Or perhaps maybe that initial feeling of excitement with endorphins is what he thinks is love and when that goes, he looks for something to excite him? I don’t know. Wouldn’t it be great if someone were to invent a device where we could actually experience someone’s thoughts?
There were times when I came home from work and cooked dinner and his son did not like what I cooked. He was a fussy eater. I offered an alternative…like a sandwich. No good. My ex-P would get angry and say, I’m going to “my boys” house. Which of course was the OW’s house. My son has to eat. I guess the OW would make the perfect meal for the boy. How rude. Why couldn’t he make his son the perfect meal? The son is also looking like a P. Already manipulating to get what he wants.
UGH. Just venting. Like the OW is better than me, yeah, right.
Um, the P, J just tried to contact me after all this time. He texed me last night, again this morning, and just tried to call me. I feel high anxiety and have not replied but I am feeling very upset and angry because I don’t know why after all this time, it has been 1 1/2 years since I saw him last and the last time I spoke with him was 7 months ago that he is trying to reel me back in. I know not to contact him in any way, I just don’t know why I let him get to me. I was pretty much well on my way to being “normal” and feel like this is a set back. A part of me (I won’t do it) wants to answer him and tell him everything I am feeling, let him know I am upset about him having the nerve to contact me. I am writing here instead.
One more note. My sister is going through the same crap so she and I can talk. Only her situation is worse. 12 years ago, she found out her husband was having an affair. They went to therapy and he promised not to stray again. Well, she found out 7 mos ago, he was still having an affair with that same woman. 24 years of marriage..12 of it a scam. When she met him, he was married to someone else. He said he was leaving his wife for her…and he did. 12 years ago he said the same thing to the OW…I’m leaving my wife for you..but he didn’t. He stayed with my sister the entire time living a lie. AND the other woman is married..with 2 kids and has a blind husband. No joke. My sister is still up in the air about taking him back. Again, he’s in therapy and supposedly not seeing the OW anymore. I wish my sister would wake up and smell the coffee. I had to face the truth. PEOPLE DON’T CHANGE!!
rperk..
just keep on writing here.. you know in your heart that no matter what you want to say to him.. your feelings.. he will NEVER “get” it… He’s looking for some more supply, and now is recycling from his past…. don’t go there…. You and your healing are FAR more important then whatever lies he wants to tell you….. I’m telling you, he offers NOTHING in any matter, shape or form…… Let him wait forever for a response to you… He showed you what you meant to him in the past…. the devaluing, disquard, the abondonment…… Go up a few posts to my post with the link to my blog at Myspace.. there you will read “The Awakening”.. if the link won’t work, let me know.. I’ll paste it here… it will EMPOWER you………….