By Ox Drover
In my journey toward healing from life’s pains, and from the PTSD and the pains caused by the trauma from the psychopaths, I think one of the hardest things has been to forgive myself.
I was raised in an abusive Christian atmosphere with a terrible, impossible definition of “forgiving others,” no matter what they did, no matter if they weren’t sorry, or how likely they were to repeat the abuse to me. I was programmed to try to meet my obligation to “forgive” when there was NO WAY I was going to trust them again. How could I?
While this previous “definition” of forgiveness of others who are unrepentant has changed post-trauma to a definition of getting the bitterness out of my own heart for what they did, but it does NOT INCLUDE restoration of TRUST or “pretending it didn’t happen.”
That done, I recently had an “ah ha” experience about “FORGIVING MYSELF” for the things I have done to others that were less than stellar acts. Acts that were down right nasty, vengeful, spiteful, etc.
Some of you may have read my little “parable” about how none of us would hold a grudge or get mad at our little pet dog that was injured and lying on the street with a broken leg, if we were to rush to our puppy’s aid, and in its blinding pain and fear it lashed out at us when we tried to pick it up and it bit us. That would be a totally different reaction on our parts from the way we would react to a dog that bit us every time we went to pet it or feed it, would attack us in our sleep or when our back was turned. Few of us would keep the “psychopathic dog” very long, but we would not at all be angry with our pet that bit us in his fear and pain. We would be understanding and compassionate, though the wound was deep and hurt like heck!
The old saying “there are two sides to every story” is one we have all heard, and many times that is true. There are in the above story two VIEWS—the one of the owner, and the one of the dog.
Many years ago I fell on some brick steps and hit my shin so hard that a huge bruise immediately rose up on my shin the size of half a large grapefruit. The injury was so unexpected, and so sudden, and so painful, that when my beloved husband reached out to extend me a hand to help me up, I immediately struck out verbally and actually SNARLED at him, “DON’T TOUCH ME!”
Another time, a couple of nights after my husband’s tragic and sudden death, a beloved friend of our family was there to console us, she had driven over seven hours to be there. She was very anxious and just kept chattering and chattering. In my pain, the sound of her voice was agony, and I asked her to please be quiet and go to sleep, which then upset her more and made her more anxious and she chattered louder and longer. I finally got up in her face and seething in rage, looked at her and told her to “Shut your lips, if another word or sound comes out of them I will hit you.” Right at that moment in my horrible pain I could have done so. I could actually have hit someone I dearly loved who is in no way anything but loving to me.
Looking back over these instances, I realized in my “ah ha” moment, that there are various things like this that I have done in my life that I am sure not proud of. In pain at various times I have struck out at the very people I loved who were there for me. I have also struck out at the psychopaths many times. I have said things and done things that I am sure not proud of. I have hurt people who loved me and were only trying to comfort me in my pain.
I also realized in my “ah ha” moment that I have not forgiven myself for these things. They still make me feel bad about myself, guilty, shamed, and imperfect.
How do I forgive myself for these things? Restore my own self esteem and trust in myself? I realize that I am human, and looking at the “parable” of the injured dog from the dog’s view point, I realize that those that love me realize, just like the little dog’s owner, that I was striking out in intense pain, and that those people still love me, and forgive me. That I also should realize that I have forgiven them when in their own pain they might have hurt me, so why am I holding myself to a higher standard than I hold others to? Why am I not allowing myself the same forgiveness that I extend to others, even the psychopaths?
I realized that I need to get the bitterness against MYSELF out of my own heart for being human. I acknowledge the wrongful acts I did in striking out at others, even the psychopaths, I feel great remorse for these acts, I have “repented” (made a promise to myself and others that I will not repeat this type of behavior), I have apologized, made restitution if I could, and in short, done everything I can to “make up for” these acts. The people I wronged (except for the psychopaths) have all forgiven me, and restored me to a trusting position in their lives, so I should also forgive myself and trust myself. Being in pain is no “excuse” for biting a lovingly extended hand, but it is definitely understandable.
My forgiving others, getting the bitterness out of my heart so that it does not hurt me, is important, I think, but forgiving myself, I think is just as important. My unkind acts or verbal assaults toward the psychopath did not “ruin the relationship.” If I had been perfect it would not have improved the one-sided relationship of all-taking on their part and all-giving on mine. My failure to please them was not my “fault” in any way. No one could have pleased them. My failure to see that and to cut the relationship sooner, to set boundaries and enforce them, rather than trying to placate them by allowing their abuse was not “right,” it wasn’t a good decision, but it is understandable considering the pain that I was in. It is now time to forgive myself for being human, for being fallible and making mistakes, and for even doing things I knew were wrong.
Dear Southernman,
Reading the DESPERATE letters that my P-son wrote to my mother, his brother C, a minister friend of the family, and so on, makes me know KNOW that NC puts them into a TIZZY if they are not getting supply somewhere else.
My son wrote our minister friend this long letter telling him how we were hypocrits and not Christians because we didn’t “give him UNconditional” love. (after he had tried to have us killed) LOL I can actually laugh at the tricks he was playing. He played every one in his “trick bag” and none of them worked.
If they are done with you, you may not hear from them again, UNTIL they run out of sources of supply in the environment they are in.
I talked to a male victim the other day. His X and he had been sweethearts in high school and she dumped him, went on with her disordered live, ended up with 5 kids and “no where to go” so she went as far back as her HIGHSCHOOL SWEETHEART to re-connect for supply. This guy married her and raised her five kids with her going into “PERIODIC RAGES” that he just couldn’t understand what provoked them. Eventually she called the police and said he attacked her (he said he didn’t and I believe him) and had him arrested.
Her “diagnosis” on what he told me sounds very much like Border Line Personality disorder as she would self mutilate some, and the push/pull that she was constantly going through.
This man is a Christian but has a big problem with putting the responsibility for her behavior on HER since she has a “mental problem.” So even though they are now divorced, he is having a difficult time healing because he “abandoned” his wife when she “needed him” because of her “mental problem.” I tried to explain to him that NO, SHE CAN’T BE FIXED AT THIS POINT, and that there ARE some genetic components to it, but that AT SOME point they had a choice to choose the “dark side” or the “side of light” and they chose the “dark side”—just like “The Force”!
Not going too deeply into theology for my reasoning, I think there comes a time in people’s lives when they will not be turned around. Their “hearts are hardened” against the truth, and against change. They are satisfied with themselves as they are, it is US that they think needs to change to fit them.
“My mind is made up, don’t confuse me with the FACTS.” LOL
I agree with you Oxy….and besides, if what they are doing and how they operate works for them, then there’s no need to change….. I once told my socio that I couldn’t fix her.. she raged at me for that comment.. she knew what she was and simply doesn’t care, but heaven forbid anyone tell them they have problems, or try to make them accountable for their crazy behavior or actions…….
If someone came to me and told me that my actions, or words hurt them, I would be heartbroken, and would try to make amends.. I think that is normal …. but P’s and socio’s don’t care……even with all the facts that we have about them, I will sometimes think back to things that were said or done and it still does not make sense…..and that is it in a nutshell……….it is really like dealing with someone who is emotionaly retarded…………..I can’t tell you how many times I have ruminated about it all.. only to throw my hands up in the air and say “I give up”..I will never understand the mind of a sociopath…..I can protect myself and my son from one.. I can see the red flags, but I’m so very happy that my feelings.. my love.. my actions.. are and always have been, and always will be…..genuine.
Southernman is correct, nothing they have said or done makes sense. Nothing they EVER do or say WILL make sense. I took a time out and grounded myself with the help of a very good friend. I just may take my friend up on his suggestion and put the cell phone under my tire and back up. I figure if I need to do some backing up, that would be the perfect way to do it, right over the phone. Thank you all for being there. I thought I was gonna have a heart attack for awhile there. Still a bit upset but now at least I am living back here in the present.
Oxy, yes, I would like to change my number, I would like for you to catergorize me as a Henry -1 please. Love ya Mr. Henry.
southernman429: The sociopaths I worked with would do whatever they wanted, any time they wanted. No remorse, no reprimands, no warnings, no being brought up for detrimental actions from the bosses (they were sanctioned to go and keep chaos going, kicking everyone in the butt).
They too attended church on weekends. Came in to work on Monday morning and started all their chaos all over again. If you had a conversation with any of them they’d say “I went to confess my sins, said a few prayers and I am a clean slate to start all over again as long as I confess my sins”.
Not knowing they are what is considered the “trouble makers in their congregations”. Attending church service isn’t enough … reading the Word is acquiring knowledge. Having wise friends is gaining knowledge, conducting yourselves on what you’ve read or passed down to you by elders in your family is gaining knowledge. Staying humble and learning wisdom is what we are suppose to do.
Going to confession, stating what you’ve done, attending church, throwing a few dollars in the collection baskets isn’t learning wisdom. Never was, never will.
And, what part of everything had to be her way or it’s the highway don’t you understand? Did you really believe it was going to be a 2 way street?
I lived on a street by her name, it was called “ONE WAY”.
Just kidding with you.
Peace.
Perky, Sugar, if I ever get to a Henry-1 number MYSELF! I’ll let you know if my number ever gets that LOW LOL Henry you know we love you, if we did’t have you to pick on an bash on the head with skillets, I don’t know what we would do for comic relief! (((((Henry))))))
Yes, southernman, it is like trying to “communicate” with another species that can mimic our language but not understand it. My parrot can mimic my language and he actually knows the MEANING of some words, but there’s no way he can truly “communicate” in language with a human over 3-5 yrs old (the scientists think that is about the human “mental” age of a parrot—but I can tell you, if they get mad you can kiss your finger good bye! Yep, about like a 3 or 4 yr old! ha ha
But without a COMMON value system no two people can communicate. It would be like a Christian woman trying to talk “women’s rights” to a Muslim cleric in Iraq—there “ain’t gonna be a lot of communication go on.”
Our value system is NOT THE SAME as the P’s “value” system or “moral code”—until we realize that IMPORTANT PIECE OF INFORMATION we are working “in the dark” and assuming that their value system is the same as ours. HOW COULD we understand them? How can they understand us? They know how to manipulate us to get what they want most of the time, but they really don’t “know” us or how we think anymore than we do them.
Hey All, I still wonder if any of the sociopaths out there can “fix” themselves? When I uncovered my ex’s plot to leave me at the end of the school year and take him & his son to live with the OW, I looked at him and said, “you mean everything was a scham? we weren’t going to get married? you told me each morning as you kissed me goodby on the way out the door you loved me, referred me to “fiance,etc.” He had been with the OW for the entire 2 yrs we were together. He looked at me and said, “don’t you think i know what i did was f’d up?” “Don’t you think i’m a f’d up person to do what i did?” He said he didn’t fear God, he is not a perfect man, he needs to work on himself or he won’t be good for any woman. Well, here is how he is working on himself. Instead of getting his own place and trying to be his own man, he took the easy way out and decided to stay at the OW’s house. He said, maybe God doesn’t want him to live alone. What a cop-out. When this first went down 4 months ago, he called and wanted to get together. I told him NO! So long as you are with the OW, I cannot see you. I was testing the waters. Seeing if I mattered at all. Obviously, i did not. He said if he tried to come back to me to fix things, i would always bring up what he did and it wouldn’t work out. He’s right on target there. I can forgive but never forget. He did the same crap to the woman before me…left her flat. His wife that is. He left her clueless. Took off from her like a thief in the night. Sent her to his mothers for 3 months and when she came back, he was gone…he was at my place. For the entire 2 years she sufferred. He would call her from time to time and tell her they would get back together. Not to file divorce. Meanwhile he’s telling me we were getting married…as soon as he filed the divorce. She was so sick she wound up in the hospital. All these events took place in 3 years. 3 women in 3 years. Do you think he’ll change?
IWonder: That’s why I think they are perfectionists. Perfect to the point that they are stuck in their own perfectionists mindsets and can’t do anything … for fear of doing it wrong … can’t have that … so to compensate for any failures that should come down the pike, they don’t do ANYTHING … so if they don’t do … don’t love … don’t raise their kids … don’t work when they go to work … don’t play sports unless they are on the winning team … don’t do this, don’t do that … don’t do anything at all … then they don’t have to accept the fact something went wrong … can’t blame them, cause they didn’t do it.
I know my middle and older sisters are perfectionists in their own ways … I think there’s a degree of it too … so on a scale of 1 to 10 … where are they on the perfectionist scale.
My middle sister will give you the shirt off your back if you need her help and you don’t even ask her to help you … zap, she’s there fixing everything for you … but she keeps score.
My oldest sister doesn’t do anything … sits on the edge of the pool with her feet in the water judging others … black and white … no room for shades of grey in her view about life.
Both drive me absolutely bananas ask I have to keep reminding my middle sister “I don’t see the score board, how are you scoring anything … what about doing this or that for you … did it tally”.
And the oldest … I just want to push her off the wall of viewing life … jump in the water already … sink or swim … then give me your opinions.
Me, I always have to learn new ways to have water roll off my back or me thinks those two are going to win and drive me crazy (LOL). Can’t … I’m like Bugs Bunny … just when you think he has no other options in life … he reaches into his side pocket on his furry suit … pulls out that black hole … throws it in front of him … and poof … gone.
Read up on some of these bloggs … we all wrote to you … except don’t ask me under which headings … it does get confusing.
Peace.
You know what really kills me? I am so angry at myself for letting him control me with my jobs. I was the Insurance Director for a company for 5 years when I met him. I was on the executive committee. The only woman on the team. I was appreciated for my knowledge and leadership. I sabatoged everything. He couldn’t deal with the job I had because I had to work with men. Calls all day. Then I got fired because I took him with me on a team building seminar. He said if you go, it’s over with us. So I took him. My boss said ok but all day you have to participate and you could hook up with him at nights. The S flipped out while there. Couldn’t deal all day by himself. Told me if i went to the events, it’s over with us. I got fired. Then he wanted me to find a job working at home. Couldn’t afford it. I went back to work and he hated that job too. It was only a 6 mos consulting job but he couldn’t deal. When that job was over, I got another 2 weeks later. This is where I am now. But, I’m making less money than I did when I met him and he left me in debt. What was I thinking? How did I allow this to happen? I’m telling you, it will take me 2 more years to get back to where I was with the salary and another 5 to get out of debt. I feel like I ruined my own life. I allowed him to bring me down to his level. I’m so mad at myself.
Oxy I dont want to be a richter scale of spath intensity. I am an open book when it comes to my encounter with one. But geeze can you just stick with abusing me with the iron skillit? Cause believe me I am full of contradiction’s. I mite be a one today but a 12 tomorrow – put your seat belt on – it’s going to be a bumpy ride……