By Ox Drover
In my journey toward healing from life’s pains, and from the PTSD and the pains caused by the trauma from the psychopaths, I think one of the hardest things has been to forgive myself.
I was raised in an abusive Christian atmosphere with a terrible, impossible definition of “forgiving others,” no matter what they did, no matter if they weren’t sorry, or how likely they were to repeat the abuse to me. I was programmed to try to meet my obligation to “forgive” when there was NO WAY I was going to trust them again. How could I?
While this previous “definition” of forgiveness of others who are unrepentant has changed post-trauma to a definition of getting the bitterness out of my own heart for what they did, but it does NOT INCLUDE restoration of TRUST or “pretending it didn’t happen.”
That done, I recently had an “ah ha” experience about “FORGIVING MYSELF” for the things I have done to others that were less than stellar acts. Acts that were down right nasty, vengeful, spiteful, etc.
Some of you may have read my little “parable” about how none of us would hold a grudge or get mad at our little pet dog that was injured and lying on the street with a broken leg, if we were to rush to our puppy’s aid, and in its blinding pain and fear it lashed out at us when we tried to pick it up and it bit us. That would be a totally different reaction on our parts from the way we would react to a dog that bit us every time we went to pet it or feed it, would attack us in our sleep or when our back was turned. Few of us would keep the “psychopathic dog” very long, but we would not at all be angry with our pet that bit us in his fear and pain. We would be understanding and compassionate, though the wound was deep and hurt like heck!
The old saying “there are two sides to every story” is one we have all heard, and many times that is true. There are in the above story two VIEWS—the one of the owner, and the one of the dog.
Many years ago I fell on some brick steps and hit my shin so hard that a huge bruise immediately rose up on my shin the size of half a large grapefruit. The injury was so unexpected, and so sudden, and so painful, that when my beloved husband reached out to extend me a hand to help me up, I immediately struck out verbally and actually SNARLED at him, “DON’T TOUCH ME!”
Another time, a couple of nights after my husband’s tragic and sudden death, a beloved friend of our family was there to console us, she had driven over seven hours to be there. She was very anxious and just kept chattering and chattering. In my pain, the sound of her voice was agony, and I asked her to please be quiet and go to sleep, which then upset her more and made her more anxious and she chattered louder and longer. I finally got up in her face and seething in rage, looked at her and told her to “Shut your lips, if another word or sound comes out of them I will hit you.” Right at that moment in my horrible pain I could have done so. I could actually have hit someone I dearly loved who is in no way anything but loving to me.
Looking back over these instances, I realized in my “ah ha” moment, that there are various things like this that I have done in my life that I am sure not proud of. In pain at various times I have struck out at the very people I loved who were there for me. I have also struck out at the psychopaths many times. I have said things and done things that I am sure not proud of. I have hurt people who loved me and were only trying to comfort me in my pain.
I also realized in my “ah ha” moment that I have not forgiven myself for these things. They still make me feel bad about myself, guilty, shamed, and imperfect.
How do I forgive myself for these things? Restore my own self esteem and trust in myself? I realize that I am human, and looking at the “parable” of the injured dog from the dog’s view point, I realize that those that love me realize, just like the little dog’s owner, that I was striking out in intense pain, and that those people still love me, and forgive me. That I also should realize that I have forgiven them when in their own pain they might have hurt me, so why am I holding myself to a higher standard than I hold others to? Why am I not allowing myself the same forgiveness that I extend to others, even the psychopaths?
I realized that I need to get the bitterness against MYSELF out of my own heart for being human. I acknowledge the wrongful acts I did in striking out at others, even the psychopaths, I feel great remorse for these acts, I have “repented” (made a promise to myself and others that I will not repeat this type of behavior), I have apologized, made restitution if I could, and in short, done everything I can to “make up for” these acts. The people I wronged (except for the psychopaths) have all forgiven me, and restored me to a trusting position in their lives, so I should also forgive myself and trust myself. Being in pain is no “excuse” for biting a lovingly extended hand, but it is definitely understandable.
My forgiving others, getting the bitterness out of my heart so that it does not hurt me, is important, I think, but forgiving myself, I think is just as important. My unkind acts or verbal assaults toward the psychopath did not “ruin the relationship.” If I had been perfect it would not have improved the one-sided relationship of all-taking on their part and all-giving on mine. My failure to please them was not my “fault” in any way. No one could have pleased them. My failure to see that and to cut the relationship sooner, to set boundaries and enforce them, rather than trying to placate them by allowing their abuse was not “right,” it wasn’t a good decision, but it is understandable considering the pain that I was in. It is now time to forgive myself for being human, for being fallible and making mistakes, and for even doing things I knew were wrong.
It’s funny (odd) that just in writing that article to share with you guys actually MADE ME forgive myself, and get the bitterness out of my heart. I don’t know if it was the composing of the article, the seeing my feelings in words, or just what it was, but it has been like a HEAVY WEIGHT has been lifted off my heart.
My family of origin (FOO) never “forgave and forgot” anyting I ever did, but they always demanded that I “forgive and FORGET” anything they did, even if they continued to do it repeatedly and never were the least but sorry for doing it. This DOUBLE STANDARD in “forgiveness” left me being the “bad guy,” not some how “perfect enough” to be “worthy” of forgiveness, much less “forgetting.” Some how me lying to my mother when I was 15 (45 years ago!) makes it less of a crime to her for lying to me NOW, because I lied 45 years ago! Talk about holding a grudge! LOL
I still kept heavy on my heart the things I had done that were “less than perfect” and continued to feel the guilt and shame at having reacted like I did in times of pain. Heck, I was HUMAN! (less than perfect) LOL But I realize that I should not hold myself “less” than others, and some how “not worthy of forgiveness”—-I AM human, and humans make mistakes, and humans do things that they later regret, or see were wrong to do, but I DO regret these things, I have done all I can do to “make up for” any hurts I caused others intentionally or unintentionally, and I have asked for forgiveness of those people, I have asked forgiveness of God. So why should I continue to “beat myself over the head” with my own iron skillet? I’ve punished myself enough for 10 life times for being “imperfect” and “human.” I didn’t deserve what the Ps did to me, and I don’t deserve any more of my own punishment either. I need to stop beating myself up. I think I am on the way to loving myself, and forgiving myself.
OxDrover,
You are such a good writer, it is such a joy and learning experience to read your posts. I too have to forgive myself for bringing a baby into the world who will not have a father. For being so stupid to believe the illusion that I was being fed. I also have to forgive myself for wishing a horrible life on the other women. I just got word that she is now pregnant. I have to not only forgive, but have a sense of humor for the sociopathic joke that I have fallen into. I really hope the other baby is ok. Because he is with the OW, and that baby will be with him-even after she is discarded. The OW doesn’t get it, and she won’t do the steps necissary to protect their baby. I really have to forgive myself for the babies sake, and to at least protect my baby, so that the baby doesn’t ever feel bad or shameful for his fathers actions.
Hello everyone,
I am new to this site and learning a lot. I never knew what a P was until Lovefraud. I knew about the Ps that I would watch on TV, like Scott Petersen. However, I didn’t know that the P could also be non-violent. My ex-P never laid a hand on me – just ripped my heart out, asked me for money to open up a business (that never happened) and then lies, lies, lies. It’s been only 3 weeks since I last spoke to my ex-P, so it is still very raw.
I told my ex-P that I never wanted to talk to him again. I’m sure he is already on to his next targets, which makes me sad (for them). I am definitely going to follow the NC rule. After reading a lot of the stories on this blog and on MSN-P support group blog, I now know that I, too, was with a P.
I don’t even know where he is right now. All I know is that he is supposed to be in Europe and I was supposed to join him 2 weeks later. Yeah right! I found out from other people that he told them that he was going to be in Korea, New Zealand, France, China, etc.
I found out later that not only was he lying to me but to other people as well – people like ME (easy targets). I took the “target survey” and scored a 32 (35 being the highest). I’m usually pleased when I score high on games/tests but this was a score I was not proud of.
I do feel a lot of SHAME but I try to tell myself that the only crime I committed here was loving, caring, supporting, understanding and trusting someone, whom I realize now wasn’t the man I thought he was. I now know that he is mentally ill.
Other women in his life tried to warn me but I didn’t listen. They would tell me that he was a liar and a cheater but then in the same breath, they wanted him back and professed their love to him. I didn’t get it! Why would you want to be with a man like that?! So I just assumed they were lying.
I had found out that he had borrowed money from other people as well (male/female, varying ages, varying ethnicities) to open up various businesses that didn’t happen, I was shocked. He was supposed to meet with all of them before he left to pay them back. When I told them he had left for Europe, they were shocked. We realized we had been conned! Then they told me all these things that the P had said to them – all lies. The P told them that we had broken up 4 mos. ago when we were very much together until the morning he left for Europe.
The one thing that he told one of his victims really hurt me to the core. The P said that he was kind of glad that I didn’t have the baby. I had a miscarriage 8 mos. ago. Now I’m realizing that it was a blessing in disguise. God was watching over me then and He is definitely watching over me now.
I sleep through the night without sleeping pills now but I still wake up with that empty and lonely feeling inside. I’m trying to be strong though. I definitely have my good days and my bad days. I feel like I’m riding an emotional rollercoaster that doesn’t seem to stop. It will be fast at times then seem to slow down and then speed up again.
I wish there was a “magic drug” that would take all the hurt/pain/memories away. I know in time they will. This, too, shall pass.
lostingrief, I did the same thing you did: I LET him do all these things to me. I LET him take my money, I GAVE it to him. He kept telling me he would repay me back and also double the amount as a bonus for all the trouble I went through. At times, I was so sure he would, then I would turn around and tell myself that all was lost, I would never get that money back. And I didn’t, of course.
However, if I ever found myself alone in a room with him, I know I wouldn’t let him touch me. I forgave him but I am disgusted by him. I would not fall into his trap again and I don’t even know if I’d let him speak one word to me without wanting to gag him. He’s a sorry excuse for a human being.
heartoheart, welcome to the site, it’s definitely a good place to be. Unfortunately there is no magic drug except time. The pain just dulls away after a while. But it’s still there, I think I’ll never get rid of the pain, personally. And I feel pain for all the other persons he’s going to hurt in the future. I wish I could warn them.
heartoheart says:,lostingrief says:
Girls I tell you this is so scarey that your stories are so close to mine…i thought when I found out about my P there couldnt been anymore inhuman humans out there and then I found this site. Its hard to hear your pain but I know it all to well, i never knew it would take this long or be this hard to deal with regection, betrayel, lies, BS and living with the fact your husband was with another women for 3 years when he was suppossidly traveling….3 years sick sick sick. I am a good christian women I get up every morning and try to do the next right thing and I was with a thief, creep, adulterer, pathological lier. I knew he was different and he had a very rough childhood and had a tough time as a navy seal being left for dead so my heart went out to him….ummmm nothing was the truth. I alos want the “magic drug” can you tell me where to find it?
OxDrover
You are an excellent writer haver you written your story in book form?
I am not worthy of forgiveness yet. I am still speaking with my S. I am still sucked into the “I am only happy if we are speaking” and so forth. Do I know if he is still talking to the other TWO girls as well…who knows. He claims he is not. But everytime he whispers sweet nothings to me I just cant seem to shake the fact that he is whispering those same sweet nothings to them as well. So why cant I just stop. Why do I stay and fall back into everytime. Why do I feel quilty as if I am doing something wrong if I walk away for good..even tho he is promises me that there is only me..asking me why am I not being fair in giving us another chance. BUT cant stand when I refer to the past year of his cheating. Why can I not trust him but not leave him either. OH my gosh that sounds soooooo stupid. He makes me feel as if I am doing the betraying by walking away bc of his words and bc he has helped me out in certain situations… money…!! UGH what am I to do with this.
Dear findingpeace: You’re hooked because you THINK he’s made up of the same fine qualities as yourself. He’s mirroring you … when he leaves you … then it will be over. Sorry to tell you the truth … it’s inevitable. Right now you’re in pain because you haven’t been hit by ALL the hard facts yet. You’re still in the stage of bits and pieces of something is wrong here … When you are ready to start healing … you will heal. It’s slow and painful, so prepare yourself for this truth about the pain. The pain will allow you to grow better than you were prior to the pain. Believe that fact. When you grow from this pain … your spirit will take on a better and more beautiful understanding of life. There is healing from all of this … so believe that fact … and know that all of us on this blog will help you as you heal.
Peace.
Dear areyoukiddingme: There is a light at the end of the tunnel. Read this blog and absorb the information provided. The knowledge listed here will help your healing process. Read previous blogs by scrowling upward from your own postings. Then there is an excellent site about Giver’s and Takers … double click on the following
http://www.abusefacts.com/articles/Givers-Takers.php
Any time you want to write any of the bloggers or the professionals on this site … feel free. It’s all an individual healing process for each and every one of us. There is no quick fixes … but that is true about most everything in life … the more you do for yourself, the more you’ll heal yourself.
Right now, pamper yourself. Be good to yourself. Understand that you will waffle back and forth as you heal. Know that this is normal to do so. Whatever propels you forward or backward … it’s ALL OK and natural to do so.
Peace.
Dear findingpeace,
I know what you are going through. I was in your same shoes not too long ago. It has only been 3 weeks since I last spoke to my ex-P and I do NOT have any desire to speak or to see him. I don’t even know where he is nor do I care.
After educating myself about “love/romantic fraud”, “sociopaths/pychopaths” and “anti-social disorder”, I have a better understanding of who he REALLY was. This really helped me, along with this site. You need to be strong and follow the “No Contact” rule. He will come at you full force with his charm, sweet talk and guilt, especially if he knows he is on the brink of losing you. THEY ARE NOT GOING TO CHANGE! THEY CAN’T! THIS IS WHO THEY ARE!
My ex-P ruined a lot of people’s lives and yours will, too. You have to get out while you can and salvage what you have left. I know this is hard to hear right now…but it’s the TRUTH. And sometimes the TRUTH hurts but the TRUTH WILL SET YOU FREE!
I will be praying for you and for all the other victims (present and future). My heartfelt thoughts are with all of you. God bless.
It is hard to forgive yourself when you have people close to you who do not forgive YOU. My ex harmed my children. He committed incest. He molested. He conned them for their money. Not all of my children forgive me for bringing him into the family.
I try to do all I can to help my children heal. I hope someday they will forgive, but even if they don’t, I know I will keep going. I have one child who says that I should feel suicidal for the rest of my life because of the harm done to my children. But she also resents me for “thinking only of myself” whenever I do get depressed. It truly is a no-win situation.
What I CAN do today is to avoid anyone (besides my children) who blames me for my own victimization and pain–the “friends” who say things like “How could you be so gullible?”, the relatives who feign concern but really are smugly satisfied that I was laid so low, the acquaintances who exclaim to me their surprise that I haven’t left town “because of the embarrassment.” I avoid people I know will bring me pain.
Some days are better than others.