By Ox Drover
In my journey toward healing from life’s pains, and from the PTSD and the pains caused by the trauma from the psychopaths, I think one of the hardest things has been to forgive myself.
I was raised in an abusive Christian atmosphere with a terrible, impossible definition of “forgiving others,” no matter what they did, no matter if they weren’t sorry, or how likely they were to repeat the abuse to me. I was programmed to try to meet my obligation to “forgive” when there was NO WAY I was going to trust them again. How could I?
While this previous “definition” of forgiveness of others who are unrepentant has changed post-trauma to a definition of getting the bitterness out of my own heart for what they did, but it does NOT INCLUDE restoration of TRUST or “pretending it didn’t happen.”
That done, I recently had an “ah ha” experience about “FORGIVING MYSELF” for the things I have done to others that were less than stellar acts. Acts that were down right nasty, vengeful, spiteful, etc.
Some of you may have read my little “parable” about how none of us would hold a grudge or get mad at our little pet dog that was injured and lying on the street with a broken leg, if we were to rush to our puppy’s aid, and in its blinding pain and fear it lashed out at us when we tried to pick it up and it bit us. That would be a totally different reaction on our parts from the way we would react to a dog that bit us every time we went to pet it or feed it, would attack us in our sleep or when our back was turned. Few of us would keep the “psychopathic dog” very long, but we would not at all be angry with our pet that bit us in his fear and pain. We would be understanding and compassionate, though the wound was deep and hurt like heck!
The old saying “there are two sides to every story” is one we have all heard, and many times that is true. There are in the above story two VIEWS—the one of the owner, and the one of the dog.
Many years ago I fell on some brick steps and hit my shin so hard that a huge bruise immediately rose up on my shin the size of half a large grapefruit. The injury was so unexpected, and so sudden, and so painful, that when my beloved husband reached out to extend me a hand to help me up, I immediately struck out verbally and actually SNARLED at him, “DON’T TOUCH ME!”
Another time, a couple of nights after my husband’s tragic and sudden death, a beloved friend of our family was there to console us, she had driven over seven hours to be there. She was very anxious and just kept chattering and chattering. In my pain, the sound of her voice was agony, and I asked her to please be quiet and go to sleep, which then upset her more and made her more anxious and she chattered louder and longer. I finally got up in her face and seething in rage, looked at her and told her to “Shut your lips, if another word or sound comes out of them I will hit you.” Right at that moment in my horrible pain I could have done so. I could actually have hit someone I dearly loved who is in no way anything but loving to me.
Looking back over these instances, I realized in my “ah ha” moment, that there are various things like this that I have done in my life that I am sure not proud of. In pain at various times I have struck out at the very people I loved who were there for me. I have also struck out at the psychopaths many times. I have said things and done things that I am sure not proud of. I have hurt people who loved me and were only trying to comfort me in my pain.
I also realized in my “ah ha” moment that I have not forgiven myself for these things. They still make me feel bad about myself, guilty, shamed, and imperfect.
How do I forgive myself for these things? Restore my own self esteem and trust in myself? I realize that I am human, and looking at the “parable” of the injured dog from the dog’s view point, I realize that those that love me realize, just like the little dog’s owner, that I was striking out in intense pain, and that those people still love me, and forgive me. That I also should realize that I have forgiven them when in their own pain they might have hurt me, so why am I holding myself to a higher standard than I hold others to? Why am I not allowing myself the same forgiveness that I extend to others, even the psychopaths?
I realized that I need to get the bitterness against MYSELF out of my own heart for being human. I acknowledge the wrongful acts I did in striking out at others, even the psychopaths, I feel great remorse for these acts, I have “repented” (made a promise to myself and others that I will not repeat this type of behavior), I have apologized, made restitution if I could, and in short, done everything I can to “make up for” these acts. The people I wronged (except for the psychopaths) have all forgiven me, and restored me to a trusting position in their lives, so I should also forgive myself and trust myself. Being in pain is no “excuse” for biting a lovingly extended hand, but it is definitely understandable.
My forgiving others, getting the bitterness out of my heart so that it does not hurt me, is important, I think, but forgiving myself, I think is just as important. My unkind acts or verbal assaults toward the psychopath did not “ruin the relationship.” If I had been perfect it would not have improved the one-sided relationship of all-taking on their part and all-giving on mine. My failure to please them was not my “fault” in any way. No one could have pleased them. My failure to see that and to cut the relationship sooner, to set boundaries and enforce them, rather than trying to placate them by allowing their abuse was not “right,” it wasn’t a good decision, but it is understandable considering the pain that I was in. It is now time to forgive myself for being human, for being fallible and making mistakes, and for even doing things I knew were wrong.
Dear Iwonder: It’s called being in love.
Don’t beat yourself up over it… it’s over and done with … now to heal yourself … and know, don’t give up what you have going for you … for anyone like him again.
My husband always accused me of cheating on him. I never did. I never even though about cheating on him. But, I always got accused of it. If my professor called all his students to give us a password for the computers or a set of instructions because the computers operated different then what we read in the texts … my husband went crazy with jealousy … accusing me of having an affair with my professor. I’d tell my husband to lighten up – I was the 10th student he called and even asked if so and so in my class was seen that week cause he had to leave a message on his answering machine … so for me to relay they message in passing if I saw this or that student.
I was young when I married in my 20s. In hindsight, when someone accuses you of something, their is fire where there is smoke … they, themselves doing the cheating and assuming others (we) are doing the same as they are doing.
My boss used to get so angry that one of my boyfriends at the time called me during my break time. She’d come up to me and tell me not to receive personal calls. Who cared if it were on my own time. Anyway, I relayed the message to this boyfriend to call me at home after work or during lunch – when I was home. What did he do … he sent flowers the size of 5 foot something … the biggest most beautiful arrangement you ever saw in your life … so big, it took two delivery guys to deliver it to the office. I came in from lunch one day … walked onto the floor …. and all my co-workers came running over to me all giggly and talking at me… who are they from, what’s he like … of course, I had no idea what they were yapping about … turn the corner … walking up the isle and everyone’s still flapping their mouths in my ears … and then I saw it. This huge arrangement sitting in the isle outside my desk. I was doomed. My boss hated me from that day on … and the rest is history.
I tried to explain to her “you know how most guys are … always calling, always doing this stuff … then poof, they’re gone down the road with someone else … don’t shoot me over this”.
She hated me. And as for you … lesson learned, they may or not be real … they may or may not be in your life next week … so I’d rather deal with his jealousy when I got back from a business trip … I’d rather deal with his insecurities whether he stayed in the relationship with me or not. I will never give up my job over them … even though my boss did it for me. Wasn’t my decision, she drew first blood.
Peace.
Peace.
Henry, Henry, Henry … you do make me laugh. I’m holding my gut with one hand and trying to pigeon type this e-mail. So, we are Betty “the eyes” Davis tonight? (showing your age Henry, showing your age).
Laughter, the best medicine. Didn’t Readers Digest say this?
My favorite from Katie H “Oh, the calla lillies are in bloom again, such a lovely flower …”
She and Cary Grant … what a life, what a way to go!
Peace.
I love katherine hepburn – now that woman had her life together!
May this be of help in healing hearts…
“The Awakening”
A time comes in your life when you finally get it… When in the midst of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere, the voice inside your head cries out – ENOUGH! Enough fighting and crying, or struggling to hold on. And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears and through a mantle of wet lashes, you begin to look at the world through new eyes.
This is your awakening…
You realize that it’s time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change, or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms with the fact that he is not Prince Charming and you are not Cinderella and that in the real world, there aren’t always fairy tale endings (or beginnings for that matter) and that any guarantee of “happily ever after” must begin with you and in the process, a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.
You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are… and that’s OK. (They are entitled to their own views and opinions.) And you learn the importance of loving and championing yourself and in the process; a sense of newfound confidence is born of self-approval.
You stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to you (or didn’t do for you) and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected. You learn that people don’t always say what they mean or mean what they say, and that not everyone will always be there for you and that it’s not always about you. So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself and in the process, a sense of safety & security is born of self-reliance.
You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties and in the process, a sense of peace & contentment is born of forgiveness.
You realize that much of the way you view yourself and the world around you, is a result of all the messages and opinions that have been ingrained into your psyche. You begin to sift through all the junk you’ve been fed about how you should behave, how you should look and how much you should weigh, what you should wear and where you should shop and what you should drive, how and where you should live and what you should do for a living, who you should marry and what you should expect of a marriage, the importance of having and raising children or what you owe your parents. You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. You begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for.
You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you’ve outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with and in the process, you learn to go with your instincts.
You learn that it is truly in giving that we receive and that there is power and glory in creating and contributing and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a “consumer” looking for your next fix.
You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a by gone era, but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life.
You learn that you don’t know everything; it’s not your job to save the world and that you can’t teach a pig to sing. You learn to distinguish between guilt, responsibility, and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake.
Then you learn about love, romantic love and familial love, how to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving and when to walk away. You learn not to project your needs or your feelings onto a relationship. You learn that you will not be more beautiful, more intelligent, more lovable or important because of the man on your arm or the child that bears your name.
You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes.
You learn that just as people grow and change, so it is with love; and you learn that you don’t have the right to demand love on your terms, just to make you happy.
You learn that alone does not mean lonely. You look in the mirror and come to terms with the fact that you will never be a size 5 or a perfect 10 and you stop trying to compete with the image inside your head and agonizing over how you “stack up.”
You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs. You learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly OK and that it is your right, to want things and to ask for the things that you want and that sometimes it is necessary to make demands.
You come to the realization that you deserve to be treated with love, kindness, sensitivity, respect, and you won’t settle for less. You allow only the hands of a lover who cherishes you, to glorify you with his touch and in the process; you internalize the meaning of self-respect.
And you learn that your body really is your temple. And you begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin eating a balanced diet, drinking more water and taking more time to exercise. You learn that fatigue diminishes the spirit and can create doubt and fear. So you take more time to rest. Just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul; so you take more time to laugh and to play.
You learn that for the most part in life, you get what you believe you deserve and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy. You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen is different from working toward making it happen.
More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance. You also learn that no one can do it all alone and that it’s OK to risk asking for help.
You learn that the only thing you must truly fear is the great robber baron of all time; FEAR itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears, because you know that whatever happens you can handle it and to give in to fear, is to give away the right to live life on your terms.
You learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom. You learn that life isn’t always fair, you don’t always get what you think you deserve and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people. On these occasions, you learn not to personalize things. You learn that God isn’t punishing you or failing to answer your prayers; it’s just life happening.
You learn to deal with evil in its most primal state; the ego. You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you. You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls.
You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted; things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about; a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower. Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself, by yourself and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never ever settle for less than your heart’s desire. You hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind, and you make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.
Finally, with courage in your heart and with God by your side you take a stand, you take a deep breath and you begin to design the life you want to live as best as you can.
~ Unknown Author
Profound, absolutely profound … except what about those that were murdered? They can’t read the beginning or the end of this enlightenment.
southernman BRAVO a very good read thank you for sharing
Southernman thank you , i really needed to hear that. God bless you.
Southernman, Great post, thank you!
Dear Henry, yea I know, somedays I’m a 1 and somedays I’m a 50! LOL, but we will quit using you as our richter scale! You poor baby, we mistreat you so badly! LOL (((hugs)))
I quit beating myself up emotionally (well, most of the time) and today I let my clumbsy physical self trip and fall and bashed the heck out of my right knee, so I am sitting here with an ice pack on feeling really STUPID! My son told me that it was God’s way of saying “SLOW DOWN!” and I guess I really should. LOL We are having such wonderful fall weather though it is hard to be inside and not taking advantage of it.
Well, I think I will go put a DVD on and renew my ice pack on my knee. It’s not “injured” but it sure does HURT!
So Oxy, when we STOP beating ourselves up emotionally over airheads of the world … does that mean we all resort to having physical things happen to our bodies? Switch from the emotional to the physical pain? LOL…. just kidding.
Seems like that’s what I do! LOL I’ve broken one of just about every bone in my body through the years, and two of some! What bones I haven’t personally broken by being clumbsy, I’ve had an animal of one sort or another help me along! LOL Of course I’m not as bad as a friend of mine. He had to get an X-ray of his head and the old female x-ray tech came out looking at his films and said to him “Are you a bull rider, motor cycle rider, or were you in a terrible car crash?” He held up his hand with three fingers extended, and said, “All three!” LOL Apparently the x-ray of his skull shows so many old fractures it looks like a map of the back side of the moon! But he still seems to have all his marbles, so I guess that’s a good thing!
I kept an ice pack on it for an hour or so and the worst of the pain is gone, and it only seems to hurt if I touch it, so I don’t touch it! Doesn’t keep me from walking now. Oh, well, just call me GRACE! LOL