By Ox Drover
In my journey toward healing from life’s pains, and from the PTSD and the pains caused by the trauma from the psychopaths, I think one of the hardest things has been to forgive myself.
I was raised in an abusive Christian atmosphere with a terrible, impossible definition of “forgiving others,” no matter what they did, no matter if they weren’t sorry, or how likely they were to repeat the abuse to me. I was programmed to try to meet my obligation to “forgive” when there was NO WAY I was going to trust them again. How could I?
While this previous “definition” of forgiveness of others who are unrepentant has changed post-trauma to a definition of getting the bitterness out of my own heart for what they did, but it does NOT INCLUDE restoration of TRUST or “pretending it didn’t happen.”
That done, I recently had an “ah ha” experience about “FORGIVING MYSELF” for the things I have done to others that were less than stellar acts. Acts that were down right nasty, vengeful, spiteful, etc.
Some of you may have read my little “parable” about how none of us would hold a grudge or get mad at our little pet dog that was injured and lying on the street with a broken leg, if we were to rush to our puppy’s aid, and in its blinding pain and fear it lashed out at us when we tried to pick it up and it bit us. That would be a totally different reaction on our parts from the way we would react to a dog that bit us every time we went to pet it or feed it, would attack us in our sleep or when our back was turned. Few of us would keep the “psychopathic dog” very long, but we would not at all be angry with our pet that bit us in his fear and pain. We would be understanding and compassionate, though the wound was deep and hurt like heck!
The old saying “there are two sides to every story” is one we have all heard, and many times that is true. There are in the above story two VIEWS—the one of the owner, and the one of the dog.
Many years ago I fell on some brick steps and hit my shin so hard that a huge bruise immediately rose up on my shin the size of half a large grapefruit. The injury was so unexpected, and so sudden, and so painful, that when my beloved husband reached out to extend me a hand to help me up, I immediately struck out verbally and actually SNARLED at him, “DON’T TOUCH ME!”
Another time, a couple of nights after my husband’s tragic and sudden death, a beloved friend of our family was there to console us, she had driven over seven hours to be there. She was very anxious and just kept chattering and chattering. In my pain, the sound of her voice was agony, and I asked her to please be quiet and go to sleep, which then upset her more and made her more anxious and she chattered louder and longer. I finally got up in her face and seething in rage, looked at her and told her to “Shut your lips, if another word or sound comes out of them I will hit you.” Right at that moment in my horrible pain I could have done so. I could actually have hit someone I dearly loved who is in no way anything but loving to me.
Looking back over these instances, I realized in my “ah ha” moment, that there are various things like this that I have done in my life that I am sure not proud of. In pain at various times I have struck out at the very people I loved who were there for me. I have also struck out at the psychopaths many times. I have said things and done things that I am sure not proud of. I have hurt people who loved me and were only trying to comfort me in my pain.
I also realized in my “ah ha” moment that I have not forgiven myself for these things. They still make me feel bad about myself, guilty, shamed, and imperfect.
How do I forgive myself for these things? Restore my own self esteem and trust in myself? I realize that I am human, and looking at the “parable” of the injured dog from the dog’s view point, I realize that those that love me realize, just like the little dog’s owner, that I was striking out in intense pain, and that those people still love me, and forgive me. That I also should realize that I have forgiven them when in their own pain they might have hurt me, so why am I holding myself to a higher standard than I hold others to? Why am I not allowing myself the same forgiveness that I extend to others, even the psychopaths?
I realized that I need to get the bitterness against MYSELF out of my own heart for being human. I acknowledge the wrongful acts I did in striking out at others, even the psychopaths, I feel great remorse for these acts, I have “repented” (made a promise to myself and others that I will not repeat this type of behavior), I have apologized, made restitution if I could, and in short, done everything I can to “make up for” these acts. The people I wronged (except for the psychopaths) have all forgiven me, and restored me to a trusting position in their lives, so I should also forgive myself and trust myself. Being in pain is no “excuse” for biting a lovingly extended hand, but it is definitely understandable.
My forgiving others, getting the bitterness out of my heart so that it does not hurt me, is important, I think, but forgiving myself, I think is just as important. My unkind acts or verbal assaults toward the psychopath did not “ruin the relationship.” If I had been perfect it would not have improved the one-sided relationship of all-taking on their part and all-giving on mine. My failure to please them was not my “fault” in any way. No one could have pleased them. My failure to see that and to cut the relationship sooner, to set boundaries and enforce them, rather than trying to placate them by allowing their abuse was not “right,” it wasn’t a good decision, but it is understandable considering the pain that I was in. It is now time to forgive myself for being human, for being fallible and making mistakes, and for even doing things I knew were wrong.
Trinity I have been thinking about you today. How long was your separation from your X before you got back together? I am at 9 months NO CONTACT – and I have to say as I look back on what my state of mind was even 6 months ago – I can definately say I am comforted to know that, that pain I was in and you are in now has left – I still have days and moment’s that are tough – but please know that it get’s easier and that terrible feeling of loss and all the anxiety will lift from you – a little bit each day. Just focus on you – Trinity go look in the mirror and the reflection you see is you and that is the person you will be with forever – that is the person that will lift you up and carry you through. We are all we have for sure – so you take care of you – and learn from this LIFE LESSON – it is too costly a lesson to fail it…….
Dear Trinity,
Wini and Henry’s advice is good, pamper yourself, be good to yourself, you deserve it! We have all given our alls to them, and they cast them into the mire, just as Jesus told his disciples not to “cast your pearls before swine, least they trample them into the mire and turn and rend (tear) you.”
We give our LOVE to the Ps, and just like swine don’t appreciate pearls, the Ps don’t appreciate love, they have nothing but contempt for it, and they trample it under foot and then turn and tear us up for offering these pearls of great price to them.
But if we go on being angry at a swine for tramping pearls into the mud or if we continue to be angry at the Ps for just being a P and not appreciating love, then we won’t be able to heal. We have to get the bitterness out of our hearts toward them. NOT FOR THEM, BUT FOR US. And, “forgiveness” doesn’t mean trusting them with our pearls of love again, but it just means we aren’t eaten up with bitterness about them.
But by the same token we must also forgive ourselves for “being so dumb” and letting it go on for so long, or for striking back at them, whatever “sins” we have committed. We are after all human and humans make mistakes, and it is ok to be human and to make mistakes and learn from them.
We are still good people, we still deserve to be treated with respect, starting by treating outselves with love and respect. ((((hugs)))) God bless you.
Oxy, I’m saving this blogg of yours due to it’s excellence.
I’d like to add additional information to your statement.
The reason it is better for us to go humble, is to give us breathing room. Breathing room first, from the initial shock we are left in. 2nd it allows us to see other levels of objectivity to what transpired.
We all know what our EXs or others did to us was deliberate. We are learning they have ulterior motives. Ulterior motives fueled by vice which obviously clouds their judgment. Of course, they don’t look at it this way, but we know this is an absolute.
I am grateful that my life is not out of control by living in vice. I am grateful that I have always focused on living a virtuous life. I respect what taking a righteous path in life has added to my life. I am grateful to have learned the wisdom when taken any righteous path that came my way.
Yes, our EXs are responsible for their actions. Yes, they will escape reality and refuse to take responsibility for their actions.
But, staying humble allows us to forgive when someone offends us so we don’t get lead into temptation to follow in evil footsteps. First we forgive those that trespass against us. Staying humble allows us to go through these horrific experiences to forgiveness then to compassion. When we reach that level of compassion is when we can live our lives in peace and harmony again.
Peace.
On the topic of forgiving ourselves, at first I didn’t feel I had anything to forgive myself for. I knew I was duped, and I was angry. But now, 5 months after the fact, I’m feeling some shame for allowing myself to date a man who was still technically married, and for sleeping with him after just 3 weeks. Also for going back on my boundaries over and over. I kept saying I would just lay low and be his friend until the divorce was finalized. But I slept with him a few times after I said that. I have forgiven myself for this, though, and I will never do it again. I can’t imagine at this point that I will ever allow any man to penetrate through the wall of steel I have erected around my heart. He will have to be a friend for a long time (maybe a year or two). I just don’t have it in me to fall instantly for someone again.
StarG: We were forgiving ourselves for loving another person who didn’t deserve our love.
I’m glad we’re on-line at the same time because you always make me chuckle.
Peace.
Dear Stargazer,
Yes, AMEN to that!!!!! TOWANDA!!!
Sometimes they seem like “such a good deal” that we throw our own moral compass away rather than wait and give the relationship a chance to grow, we go immediately toward what we think of as the PRIZE, only to find out that it wasn’t gold after all, but FAKE–not even gold plated, just totally FAKE.
Forgiving ourselves I think is an important part of the healing process…believe me I beat up and BOINKED myself 1000X harder than I ever hit Henry on his worst down day. LOL It is only now that I am able to realize, Yep, I’ve done some darned stupid things, and Yep, I’ve even done some mean things in my pain, but you know what, I’m a better person now, I’ve learned and grown and I’m on the main a good person, a caring, loving, generous person, but I’m not going to be anyone’s dupe again. I have the right and the wisdom to choose who I will let into my “circle of intimacy” and those people I let in will not over step my boundaries, if they do, they are OUT. MY Trust is no more lightly given to just anyone, it is a valuable thing that must be earned.
OxD, you boinked yourself 1000X harder than you ever boinked henry on his worst day? ROFLMAO ha ha ha ha. It amazes me how resilient the sense of humor can be, even though we’ve been through so much. My sense of humor has served me so well over the years! I’m glad others can be amused by it (***Wini****).
Anyway, I got a little teary for a few seconds here and there while telling the story. But that was it. That’s all the emotion that was left for the ex. I have done all the crying and raging I will ever do over him. I can get a little nostalgic, but that’s it. Mostly, as I was listening to my own story come out of my mouth, it was as if I was hearing it from a stranger’s perspective. I thought how pitiful I sounded, going back to a man who lied to me over and over. Wow. Yet, at the time, he seemed like the greatest thing sinced sliced bread. Time may cause wrinkles and sagging skin in a middle aged woman. But other than that, it is really our friend!
I guess I am in a writing mood today…….
I was thinking back about my few years in my mid-thirties as a private exotic dancer. I actually used to go into strange guys’ homes and take off my clothes for money. I wrote a story about it and I was reading it today. I am amazed at how totally trusting I was back then. I just assumed that psychopaths only comprised about .00001% of the population. The irony is that I never had any problems. No harm ever came to me. I never carried a gun or even mace. I just carried myself with confidence and without fear. I am AMAZED that I went through all that and came out of it still trusting men. And it took a very sweet, seemingly harmless gentleman from the South that I met when I was 47, to make me never want to trust any man again. How ironic is that?
A little bit of wisdom that may apply here:
I am of the nature to grow old. There is no way to escape growing old.
I am of the nature to have ill health. There is no way to escape ill health.
I am of the nature to die. There is no way to escape death.
All that is dear to me and everyone I love are of the nature to change. There is no way to escape being separated from them.
My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand.
BloggerT: That is so true.
Peace.