By Ox Drover
In my journey toward healing from life’s pains, and from the PTSD and the pains caused by the trauma from the psychopaths, I think one of the hardest things has been to forgive myself.
I was raised in an abusive Christian atmosphere with a terrible, impossible definition of “forgiving others,” no matter what they did, no matter if they weren’t sorry, or how likely they were to repeat the abuse to me. I was programmed to try to meet my obligation to “forgive” when there was NO WAY I was going to trust them again. How could I?
While this previous “definition” of forgiveness of others who are unrepentant has changed post-trauma to a definition of getting the bitterness out of my own heart for what they did, but it does NOT INCLUDE restoration of TRUST or “pretending it didn’t happen.”
That done, I recently had an “ah ha” experience about “FORGIVING MYSELF” for the things I have done to others that were less than stellar acts. Acts that were down right nasty, vengeful, spiteful, etc.
Some of you may have read my little “parable” about how none of us would hold a grudge or get mad at our little pet dog that was injured and lying on the street with a broken leg, if we were to rush to our puppy’s aid, and in its blinding pain and fear it lashed out at us when we tried to pick it up and it bit us. That would be a totally different reaction on our parts from the way we would react to a dog that bit us every time we went to pet it or feed it, would attack us in our sleep or when our back was turned. Few of us would keep the “psychopathic dog” very long, but we would not at all be angry with our pet that bit us in his fear and pain. We would be understanding and compassionate, though the wound was deep and hurt like heck!
The old saying “there are two sides to every story” is one we have all heard, and many times that is true. There are in the above story two VIEWS—the one of the owner, and the one of the dog.
Many years ago I fell on some brick steps and hit my shin so hard that a huge bruise immediately rose up on my shin the size of half a large grapefruit. The injury was so unexpected, and so sudden, and so painful, that when my beloved husband reached out to extend me a hand to help me up, I immediately struck out verbally and actually SNARLED at him, “DON’T TOUCH ME!”
Another time, a couple of nights after my husband’s tragic and sudden death, a beloved friend of our family was there to console us, she had driven over seven hours to be there. She was very anxious and just kept chattering and chattering. In my pain, the sound of her voice was agony, and I asked her to please be quiet and go to sleep, which then upset her more and made her more anxious and she chattered louder and longer. I finally got up in her face and seething in rage, looked at her and told her to “Shut your lips, if another word or sound comes out of them I will hit you.” Right at that moment in my horrible pain I could have done so. I could actually have hit someone I dearly loved who is in no way anything but loving to me.
Looking back over these instances, I realized in my “ah ha” moment, that there are various things like this that I have done in my life that I am sure not proud of. In pain at various times I have struck out at the very people I loved who were there for me. I have also struck out at the psychopaths many times. I have said things and done things that I am sure not proud of. I have hurt people who loved me and were only trying to comfort me in my pain.
I also realized in my “ah ha” moment that I have not forgiven myself for these things. They still make me feel bad about myself, guilty, shamed, and imperfect.
How do I forgive myself for these things? Restore my own self esteem and trust in myself? I realize that I am human, and looking at the “parable” of the injured dog from the dog’s view point, I realize that those that love me realize, just like the little dog’s owner, that I was striking out in intense pain, and that those people still love me, and forgive me. That I also should realize that I have forgiven them when in their own pain they might have hurt me, so why am I holding myself to a higher standard than I hold others to? Why am I not allowing myself the same forgiveness that I extend to others, even the psychopaths?
I realized that I need to get the bitterness against MYSELF out of my own heart for being human. I acknowledge the wrongful acts I did in striking out at others, even the psychopaths, I feel great remorse for these acts, I have “repented” (made a promise to myself and others that I will not repeat this type of behavior), I have apologized, made restitution if I could, and in short, done everything I can to “make up for” these acts. The people I wronged (except for the psychopaths) have all forgiven me, and restored me to a trusting position in their lives, so I should also forgive myself and trust myself. Being in pain is no “excuse” for biting a lovingly extended hand, but it is definitely understandable.
My forgiving others, getting the bitterness out of my heart so that it does not hurt me, is important, I think, but forgiving myself, I think is just as important. My unkind acts or verbal assaults toward the psychopath did not “ruin the relationship.” If I had been perfect it would not have improved the one-sided relationship of all-taking on their part and all-giving on mine. My failure to please them was not my “fault” in any way. No one could have pleased them. My failure to see that and to cut the relationship sooner, to set boundaries and enforce them, rather than trying to placate them by allowing their abuse was not “right,” it wasn’t a good decision, but it is understandable considering the pain that I was in. It is now time to forgive myself for being human, for being fallible and making mistakes, and for even doing things I knew were wrong.
Dearest Tood: Please do not blame yourself for what they did or are all about.
I’m telling you the same thing as I do other LF bloggers … read as much on this site about what they are all about … learning the truth of what, how, when, why … they are the way they are is half the battle to start healing yourself and your children/family and friends.
Check out this site of what the church leaders know about them.
“Behold, I send you out as sheep in the midst of wolves; so be shrewd as serpents and innocent as doves”.
http://www.abusefacts.com/articles/Givers-Takers.php
You will get to understand the difference between us (givers) and them (takers).
Pamper yourself, love your children, family and friends … life will be beautiful again. I promise.
Peace to your heart and soul.
Dear Tood,
My mother “blames me” for everything that happened to our family as well—but you know what, I a prepared to go NC with ANYONE***-A*N*Y*O*N*E** who blames me, and tries to make me feel bad about myself. It doesn’t matter to me if they gave birth to me, or I gave birth to them, if someone is not KIND, CARING, AND LOVING in their behavior and words to me, excuse me, F’EM! I am so sorry that your kids (or some of them) blame you, and are so unforgiving of you. It WAS NOT, IS NOT, your “fault” whatever your P did to anyone. There is no way you could have known. That is like my kid saying to me because he broke his foot, that it is my fault because I gave birth to him. DUH!
Even if THEY never “forgive” you, that does NOT stop you from forgiving yourself. If the people I have wronged in my life do not forgive me, I can’t do anything about that, (not that I think you did anything wrong in this instance) but let’s say you punched one of them in the nose, and then you were sorry and you repented and apologized sincerely, if they do not forgive you, you still need to forgive yourself for doing it. You are human, humans make mistakes, humans do things that are wrong, but if you have done all you can to apologize for any wrongs you have committed, even if THEY do not forgive you, you still deserve YOUR OWN FORGIVENESS.
My dear I hear your pain, and my heart bleeds for your pain. I can only imagine how it must have hurt for your child to say such a thing to you. I have “lost” my own beloved son, he is a P, and he has said some horrible things to me that cut to the quick, deeper than the quick, right to my heart. I think to have a child that says things like that hurts worse than from anyone else, just because we have loved them since before they were born.
But regardless of whether or not they ever for give you, you must forgive yourself my dear. That kind of a burden is too much for any of us to bear. That burden was the heaviest I have borne and frankly since I HAVE forgiven myself, I feel a great heavy weight, a tremendous burden lifted off my back.
I’m not perfect by a long shot, but forgiving myself is loving myself, and I deserve to love myself, I deserve a lot of things, but most of all I deserve to care about myself. ((((Tood)))
Bird: I really feel awful about you feeling the need to ask for forgiveness for bringing a child in the world whose father won’t be around. But you have nothing ask for forgiveness for that one. It’s a blessing. Better a child grow up knowing how to love than to be exposed to sociopathic behaviour from the dad and think it to be normal. My ex has 7 kids out there with different women and he abandoned all the moms and the kids. .except the last 2 he has joint custody and he is screwing them up. The boy is 12 and lived with us the last school year. My Socipathic ex would take the kid to the other woman’s home 2 nights a week and he and the Soc would sleep over there. The other nights the Soc slept in my bed. He taught the kid how to lie about where they’d been. The kid was soon manipulating me and lying to me too. All the other 5 kids grew up good. Those moms found good men and the kids knew them as their real dad. I hear through the x wife who knows about the 5. The 5 kids feel abandoned and hate their biological father for abandoning them. However, if they ever got to know him, they wouldn’t like him anyway. That’s a tough one. What do you say to your child when he/she is old enough to ask about the biological father? Do you explain he has a mental condition? What if he asks one day to meet him? Wow Bird. I don’t know what I would do. But about forgiveness. I believe the Bible asks us to forgive because it’s the only way we can obtain peace in our own hearts. Holding hate and bitterness in our hearts makes us ill. I struggle with this everyday. I have never felt so angry for allowing myself to be used. To allow someone to bleed me dry financially and emotionally. I have fantasies about how the OW is going to get hers. I have to somehow let this go. I keep repeating in my mind that the relationship was simply a bad day. A very long bad day. Tomorrow (the rest of my life) will be a good day. It’s been 4 months and I have to keep repeating this.
Dear Bird,
Baby Birdie may not have a father “yet”–but Birdie has a WONDERFUL mother, and right now that is all the Birdie needs! I have no doubt that you will someday find a wonderful man to be our Birdie’s father—that is the best thing my mother did for me was to find and marry a wonderful man who was a great mentor and example for me. I never ever doubted his love.
When the time comes that it is appropriate to tell Birdie about the P, I am sure that you will find a way to educate Birdie about such things. I only wish that my family had known what a psychopath was and educated me to what my P-bio father was. How dangerous they are. You will be able to keep Birdie safe, and to let Birdie know about Ps at the appropriate time, in the appropriate way. Of that I have NO DOUBT!
BTW, give the little bugger a pinch on the cheek and a big squeeze from Auntie Oxy!!! ((((hugs))))
It is strange, after this encounter with my S, it is like everything in my mind has to be sorted out and resorted sometimes. The idea of forgiveness has to be reexamined too. All this extra work to get back to how my mind used to function on a regular day. But it can not be the same… my thinking has been changed in some very noticeable ways, my mind has been affected, my heart affected even deeper.
Here’s an example… I am attending a 12-step group for love addicts figuring I fit into this and would like to be more aware of my patterns and attractions to unhealthy choices. Tonight was a discussion about trying to make amends with others you have hurt. I was really confused … I mean, it has been most of my past relationships, (my addictive pattern I have discovered) especially this last devastating one with the S that have hurt ME. So I sat and listened to others and didn’t have anything really to share. I sat feeling kind of nervous too, but then relaxed thinking we all are simply trying to heal hearts here.) I figure the amends I am making are with myself now, and with God. Oxdrover is really on track I feel since forgiving ourselves makes most sense to me. This is where healing starts. In our own hearts first. There is no more room for perfectionism, no more room for romantic fantasy. There is only room for a direct, heart-to heart conversation with God. He listens, He Knows, He forgives all. But we have to connect with Him first to realize this. That is where I am with this. I sometimes think my meetings are not the right place for me. This site is. Church is. Prayer is also the right place to be. But I go to the meetings anyway now in addition to all of the above. I feel it is a way of staying conscious about my choices now. I really want to keep myself safe.
presseject.
Dear Tood: True story. My best friend’s 1st marriage was to an anti-social personality. She had 2 daughter’s from this marriage. A couple of years after the girls were born … well, she just had to get out. This was in the early 60s. She was a stay at home mom … went to court … 1st hearing they told her that because she had no means to support the 2 girls, they were going to give the children to the father. She went out, got a job as a secretary … next hearing … she provided the courts her salary record etc. Award was still given to the father … she argued “but you don’t understand, he’s a monster” yaddaa, yaddaa, yowe … we all know how this went … the courts, the city, family and friends all trashed her … believed her EX over her … something must be wrong with you if the father got custody … Back in the 60s, if you didn’t know anyone going through this zoorama … you had no clue. Years later, she remarried and had 3 more children (all boys). To this day, she has an excellent relationship with her sons … and the 2 daughters refuse to talk with her. My friend has made numerous attempt in the last 20 years to talk with, write, meet with these 2 girls. The youngest daughter wants to meet her bio-mother, but the oldest daughter prevents this reunion from ever happening. Both daughters are married with their own families … they’re probably all in their early 40s. Forty years of mindwashing by the psycho father of their’s and most likely they will never find it in their hearts to meet their mom. The oldest daughter is so hurt and believes all the lies fed to her by her dad about her mom. The 2nd one, I feel, someday, she will sneak and meet my best friend, her mom.
She is my very best friend, in every sense of the word … through thick or thin, she is there for me. She comes over in winter storms to deliver me her yummy Christmas cookies … that’s a friend. Those cookies meant more to me over the years when I was down and out … my marriage ending in divorce, breakups with boyfriends prior to the holidays … and of course … this last go around with my EX and all his destruction.
What I am saying … no matter what life has to throw at you … no matter how rocky the relationships are … healthy or unhealthy … We only have this one shot at living … shouldn’t that one life have the people we love and care about in there … all in there? Don’t be upset about what the chaos is clouding minds and judgments … they will be worked out. Just make sure you tell them how much you love them and that you will be there for them … and that is what is called “A START”. That’s all any one can do.
Peace.
OK everyone. I’ve got to get this off my chest. What we are ALL going through is with relationships … personal relationships with a significant other. Right? Right. Next, look around you … the person you were in love with isn’t the only anti-social in this world. They are in politics that affect your lives every day … they are in suits in the office, they run corporations, they teach our children, they were robes in your churches … they are your co-workers, and the people at the gas station, in the fast food restaurants, in your shopping check out lane, behind the counter, over the counter, above the counter. Open your eyes folks … it’s not just the people you were in love with … they are all over our country … throughout the world.
That’s all I needed to say. I just didn’t want everyone to get hung up on some stupid notion that you made a bad decision, or it was your choice. You know, sometimes they choose us??? Did you ever think about that? They are in our families … yes, yes, that funny uncle that your folks told you lived out of state, well heck, that uncle lived a couple of blocks away and you never knew it. That teacher that hated your gutts and made you cry … and you didn’t even know why. That classmate that always got you in trouble or talked behind your back and got all your friends to hate you. Remember? Does anyone remember any of the strange events that happened over the years … hey it hurt you to the court a 10 or 11, you’ve aged and you forgot all about it. But they were there then, they are here now.
Just something to ponder … and stop blaming yourself for what they are all about. “They” do have responsibilities for their actions … and someday, maybe someday … they will have to take responsibility for the messes they’ve caused in so many lives …
PEACE!
I NEED HELP!
I am having a moment of weakness here. I was laying in bed thinking about all the good times that we had. I am crying uncontrollably as I write this. Someone please tell me when the pain will go away. I know that he is not worth my tears but I am mourning the loss of the man I thought he was. We did have some pretty amazing times. And the fact that we were always together makes it that much harder.
Okay, I’m done crying for now. I haven’t cried about him in a while but I couldn’t help it. Someone please tell me what I’m feeling is normal. I really need a hug right now. Well, I’m going to try to get some sleep and I will be blogging tomorrow morning when I wake up because I need everyone’s advice on something.
Good night and God bless….
coming to terms with the terrible,terrible understanding that one was not an object of love but a source of supply. That in itself is so painful that it has many stages of comprehension. The dawning of understanding that one’s nostalgia and tender memories of affection for the (P) were corrupted by the (P’s) agenda. It is a terrible loss and there is nowhere to go with that loss. It’s static. It doesn’t evolve into lost love. It just remains as a loss. Grieving a P is a burden, it’s a hole in one’s life. But yes, in time the pain will lesson and we regain ourselve’s and you will return to a more normal you. Crying is ok – your going through hell right now, just keep on going – but please know that this does not last forever – you will be ok – hang in there – and here is a big HUG from henry!!!
Why they do what they do.. that’s a big puzzle for people like us who care at least somewhat about others, and also care about what kind of people we are.. but WHAT they do.. that’s so simple.
Watching my ex-husband fish for bass is a wondrous thing (lol). He just throws out that line, knows right where to put it, what kind of bait to use, and jerks that line just a little bit and BAM, there’s a fish. Every time he throws it in, BAM, another fish.
S/P type people know there is an unlimited supply of “suckers” out there with big open mouths just waiting for someone to come along and love em. They throw in the most tempting bait they can find, they know right where to look for us too, they wiggle that line around a little, and BAM.. they catch one of us.
This is very easy for them. They don’t even think about it, it’s so easy. Keeping one on the line is a little harder. But not much. They don’t do anything like a normal person would to keep somebody. They just play us with that line, since we are already hooked. They give us play, when we start to pull away they let us go, then when we are confused and wondering what to do next, they reel us in. Sometimes they reel us all the way in, sometimes they just catch and release, sometimes they get way too many “suckers” at once and just cut them all loose..
But we suffer, suffer, suffer. The fisherman has all the fun, the fish just suffers. And when it’s all over, boy do we ever mourn the loss of that perfect, impossibly tasty bait. It’s just a game for them, but that surely does not make it hurt any less.