By Ox Drover
In my journey toward healing from life’s pains, and from the PTSD and the pains caused by the trauma from the psychopaths, I think one of the hardest things has been to forgive myself.
I was raised in an abusive Christian atmosphere with a terrible, impossible definition of “forgiving others,” no matter what they did, no matter if they weren’t sorry, or how likely they were to repeat the abuse to me. I was programmed to try to meet my obligation to “forgive” when there was NO WAY I was going to trust them again. How could I?
While this previous “definition” of forgiveness of others who are unrepentant has changed post-trauma to a definition of getting the bitterness out of my own heart for what they did, but it does NOT INCLUDE restoration of TRUST or “pretending it didn’t happen.”
That done, I recently had an “ah ha” experience about “FORGIVING MYSELF” for the things I have done to others that were less than stellar acts. Acts that were down right nasty, vengeful, spiteful, etc.
Some of you may have read my little “parable” about how none of us would hold a grudge or get mad at our little pet dog that was injured and lying on the street with a broken leg, if we were to rush to our puppy’s aid, and in its blinding pain and fear it lashed out at us when we tried to pick it up and it bit us. That would be a totally different reaction on our parts from the way we would react to a dog that bit us every time we went to pet it or feed it, would attack us in our sleep or when our back was turned. Few of us would keep the “psychopathic dog” very long, but we would not at all be angry with our pet that bit us in his fear and pain. We would be understanding and compassionate, though the wound was deep and hurt like heck!
The old saying “there are two sides to every story” is one we have all heard, and many times that is true. There are in the above story two VIEWS—the one of the owner, and the one of the dog.
Many years ago I fell on some brick steps and hit my shin so hard that a huge bruise immediately rose up on my shin the size of half a large grapefruit. The injury was so unexpected, and so sudden, and so painful, that when my beloved husband reached out to extend me a hand to help me up, I immediately struck out verbally and actually SNARLED at him, “DON’T TOUCH ME!”
Another time, a couple of nights after my husband’s tragic and sudden death, a beloved friend of our family was there to console us, she had driven over seven hours to be there. She was very anxious and just kept chattering and chattering. In my pain, the sound of her voice was agony, and I asked her to please be quiet and go to sleep, which then upset her more and made her more anxious and she chattered louder and longer. I finally got up in her face and seething in rage, looked at her and told her to “Shut your lips, if another word or sound comes out of them I will hit you.” Right at that moment in my horrible pain I could have done so. I could actually have hit someone I dearly loved who is in no way anything but loving to me.
Looking back over these instances, I realized in my “ah ha” moment, that there are various things like this that I have done in my life that I am sure not proud of. In pain at various times I have struck out at the very people I loved who were there for me. I have also struck out at the psychopaths many times. I have said things and done things that I am sure not proud of. I have hurt people who loved me and were only trying to comfort me in my pain.
I also realized in my “ah ha” moment that I have not forgiven myself for these things. They still make me feel bad about myself, guilty, shamed, and imperfect.
How do I forgive myself for these things? Restore my own self esteem and trust in myself? I realize that I am human, and looking at the “parable” of the injured dog from the dog’s view point, I realize that those that love me realize, just like the little dog’s owner, that I was striking out in intense pain, and that those people still love me, and forgive me. That I also should realize that I have forgiven them when in their own pain they might have hurt me, so why am I holding myself to a higher standard than I hold others to? Why am I not allowing myself the same forgiveness that I extend to others, even the psychopaths?
I realized that I need to get the bitterness against MYSELF out of my own heart for being human. I acknowledge the wrongful acts I did in striking out at others, even the psychopaths, I feel great remorse for these acts, I have “repented” (made a promise to myself and others that I will not repeat this type of behavior), I have apologized, made restitution if I could, and in short, done everything I can to “make up for” these acts. The people I wronged (except for the psychopaths) have all forgiven me, and restored me to a trusting position in their lives, so I should also forgive myself and trust myself. Being in pain is no “excuse” for biting a lovingly extended hand, but it is definitely understandable.
My forgiving others, getting the bitterness out of my heart so that it does not hurt me, is important, I think, but forgiving myself, I think is just as important. My unkind acts or verbal assaults toward the psychopath did not “ruin the relationship.” If I had been perfect it would not have improved the one-sided relationship of all-taking on their part and all-giving on mine. My failure to please them was not my “fault” in any way. No one could have pleased them. My failure to see that and to cut the relationship sooner, to set boundaries and enforce them, rather than trying to placate them by allowing their abuse was not “right,” it wasn’t a good decision, but it is understandable considering the pain that I was in. It is now time to forgive myself for being human, for being fallible and making mistakes, and for even doing things I knew were wrong.
Oxy, that’s because we are always dealing from a loving perspective, never realizing all those loved ones had totally different agendas … greed, manipulating others because of their selfishness etc. That’s why people don’t make sense when you try so hard to be responsible with them. We bag our heads and bang our heads … for years, enduring all this pain … for what? All because we didn’t realize they can’t feel all the loving virtue’s of God’s that we as humans are suppose to strive for … all for that sin of “greed” …
Speaking of Greed … did anyone catch Oprah’s show today … about why men cheat?
Author wants us to by this baloney (taken from an anonymous phone number that cheaters could call and leave a recording of their sob stories (yeah, wild whopper stories) bull … that these folks that cheat are just like us, all confused, insecure, didn’t feel appreciated by their wives … yup, right … going to believe that one … the author should blog on with us … we’ll set his facts straight (LOL). WE can now ask him how does he spell “G R E E D” or “S E L F I S H”? Seems with all the political correct brainwashing these years we aren’t suppose to know about all this greed and selfishness and how it disguises itself in many, many ways. And the wives that got cheated on believed it. The day these people (men and women) will stand up in cheaters anonymous and say “yes, I am a selfish pr- -k” is the day, I’ll believe the rest of what they say … how they decided to become greedy, how they focused their lives around greed, all the decisions they made cause the greed was a monkey on their back … how they throw family members love over for greed. Hey, when you go to AA … you have to admit that you are an alcoholic … as you continue through the system … you then have to admit how selfish you are. That is the point when people leave the organization. They believed their own lies for so long, they refuse to admit their selfishness.
Enough said… you’re getting my message.
Peace.
Peace.
I keep finding stuff on this blog that I’d like to tell him about.. but I don’t do it.. for one thing I don’t even want any S/P to know this place exists and sully the pure waters of lovefraud with their muddy feet.. for another thing.. I know he doesn’t really care anyway.
This is my one little piece of success.. that I don’t try to change them.. I tried and tried and tried with my first husband.. it wasn’t till many years had gone by that I realized he LIKED being the way he was.. he was doing it on PURPOSE.
Hearttoheart,
It is 2 1/2 years since I started NC and I’m almost back to my old self again but it did take a long time to get here!!
I wouldn’t think about time limits at all, recovery is a process of going through all the different emotions that have been battered and bruised and we all recover at a different pace.
As it is all so raw for you at the moment, you need to stay away from all the reminders as much as possible to give your mind a rest from the turmoil. Facing up to work and the appartment is also part of the healing process but at the beginning I would advise shutting yourself off completely from ANYTHING connected to him.
As much as possible divert your mind away from the P and use all your strength to look after yourself. Take care,
Swallow
Thank you, Swallow!
It will definitely be hard to completely shut myself off completely from anything connected to him because it feels like EVERYTHING reminds me of him – the apartment, work (he picked me up everyday), the gym, our local grocery store, my favorite sushi place.
I have done the research and I know what a P is now. And I know in time I will heal…but why does it have to be so hard? Sometimes I feel like I will never get to that place of peace…two steps forward and four steps back. Hearing about your recovery gives me hope. Thank you again, Swallow.
Heartoheart,
Look at the painful healing process sort of like labor pains for the BIRTH OF THE NEW YOU! I don’t know if you have had a child or not, but I remember how LOOOONNNNNGGG my labor was (18 hrs) of intense misery and I had had no prenatal education, I only knew the baby would be coming out between my legs, and I was alone in the labor room and in such agony, I just wanted it to be over SOON.
Later after my son was born, there was no pain, and even the memory of the pain was gone. I remember that I was “in pain” but I can’t feel it any more, I can’t conjure up that pain.
There will come a time when this painful memory will be just that, a memory but NOT PAINFUL. You can relate about your healing pain, just like I can relate about the labor pains I felt, and describe them, where they were etc. but I can no longer FEEL THEM.
As I have come along the healing path toward healing (but remember healing is a journey not a destination) I have had ruts and stones and pit falls, and taken some detours but all in all, I am better and happier now than I have EVER been. I am P-FREE, there is not a single P in my life right now, and I intend to keep it that way. I can trust myself again to not give in to emotional blackmail, I can trust myself to spot red flags and give the Ps the heave ho, over the side, into the drink!
I take care of myself again—well maybe I never did take care of myself before, but I AM TAKING CARE OF ME NOW. I am putting ME FIRST and not feeling guilty. I am setting boundaries on those that would use me. If they don’t respect those boundaries they are out of my life. Heave HO! Over the side with you, Matey—into the drink, get off my ship!
Those people who want a “free ride” can go over board now, it is either paddle, bail, or set the sails, but no one gets a free ride, either financially, emotionally or any other way. Not anyone, and that includes my friends, relatives and my kids and my mother. I am not going to sit in my little canoe while the entire world climbs into it and sinks it out from under me, which is what the Ps do. They sink your canoe and then hop on the next one passing by while you are floundering to keep from drowning.
You will recover heartoheart, but it’s just like the labor, you have to do it yourself and it is painful, but in the end, you will give birth to a “new you”—someone that you can be proud of, can love unconditionally, and enjoy being with. YOU! Wonderful YOU!
I felt the same as you for a long time and there will always be triggers that remind you of him but the longer you are away from the mind games the easier it gets.
It all feels like a nightmare that you can’t wake up from at the moment but remember, it was all an illusion – the person you thought you loved does not exist and it has nothing to do with what you did or didn’t do in the relationship.
I am only one of many who have recovered and you can too!!
Swallow
OxDrover: Thank you, thank you, thank you! I am tearful reading what you had written, so eloquently said. I do not have any children…yet. I had two miscarriages – one with my ex-husband and one with my ex-P. The miscarriages were both blessings in disguise. Both men lied and cheated on me. Both miscarriages were still very emotionally painful. I really want children. I’ll be 38 in a couple of months so my biological clock is ticking faster and louder. I pray to God that I get through this, find a man who is worthy of my love and have a child(ren). I still have hope, thanks to everyone on this site.
Swallow: Thank you for all of your support! I appreciate all of the affirmations.
BIG HUGS TO EVERYONE!! YOU ARE ALL AN INSPIRATION!
Heartoheart,
I can tell you that my pain did not end when I got out of labor as far as My children are concerned. One of my sons is a full blown P, who is in prison for murder that he is PROUD OF how “horrible his crime was, worse than the cops even knew”–I have one 38 yr old biological son left and one 31 yr old adopted son, and I can tell you I am glad I have them. I can tell you though, that just having “biological children” isn’t all it’s cracked up to be, there is a lot of pain involved in raising them, and especially in today’s world. So if it happens that you don’t have biological children or don’t happen to find a good man, there are still ways to have children that you will love just as much as if you had gone through labor with them.
My adopted son didn’t come to us until he was a teenager, but he is a joy and a wonder in my life. I couldn’t be more proud of him if I had given birth to him, and he is truly the son of my heart. My husband (who is dead now) and I didn’t marry until we already had our kids from previous marriages, but we adopted D together as the “child of our old age” and he has been a blessing from the get go. My biological son has opted now that he is free of the P he married to NOT have biological children if he ever marries again because of the heritability of the P genes, and both sides of our families are rife with Ps. My FONDEST WISH was for grand-kids to spoil, and I am 61 and none in sight–the P is locked up (thank God) and my bio son is divorced from his P, and son D is so “picky” about potential mates that I’m not sure he will ever marry. He’s been engaged 3 times, but before the wedding, he broke it up when RED FLAGS started to wave. I always thought he would chose a life mate with his head as well as his heart, but I know that for a FACT now. He was soooo very much in love with the last one who turned out to be a “piece of work” once you got to know her and her family really well, which thank goodness we did before he married her.
I think Son C is also as he heals from his marriage to a p for almost 8 yrs (met her on the Internet) is becoming a bit more picky too. LOL So my chances for grand-kids is looking slimmer and slimmer, but though I grieved for a while about that, I am just leaving it in God’s hands and not worrying about it any more. I can be happy with or without grand-kids, and I have friends who have grand-kids where the parents are divorced and they worry all the time about the kids, being far away from them, and going through this trauma and that trauma, so at least I am spared those kinds of worries.
I guess I am in my old age (I’m 61) just starting to do as the Apostle Paul encouraged the Chritians to do “be content whatever your state”–after my husband died, I was devestated and wanted so badly to find another man to love me the way he had—and I became the victim of a P—but now I am content by myself and if someone comes along, fine, if not, that’s fine too. I’d sure rather be by myself than be with a BAD MAN. It’s been a long hard road, but I think I am getting to the “pavement” where the going is much smoother. I want to continue to “heal” and “improve” until the day I die, but, I think I am for the time being over the worst of the hurdles–the Ps in my life—everything else should be smooth sailing compared to them. LOL Hang in there, like will get better, I can promise you as long as you put YOURSELF FIRST.
okay, ready for this!?
after four weeks and four days of NC, my ex s/p shows up at my building and rings the bell. i was laying on my couch reading and immediately i froze. i wasn’t expecting anyone and no one shows up unexpectedly except my ex’s brother (who is very nice and knows his brother is a mess, but also knows i want NC with the family at all).
well, i looked out my lace curtain and saw my ex’s car double-parked. my heart started pounding. i watched the stairway (couldn’t see him standing at the door) and then he walked down and looked up at my windows. i thought, ”yes, look UP to try and find me.” i’m sure he just wanted something, but i couldn’t believe he would actually have the NERVE to come over and ask for anything, and without even calling me first! (probably because i haven’t answered any of his calls in the past 5 weeks.)
i heard he was going to some fashion event; he probably wanted his $200 dress shoes that are at my house. well, of course, i didn’t answer the door. the look on his face was strange. a pleading look, but i’m probably just reading in to it. an hour later i got a ‘restricted’ call. didn’t answer that either.
today i feel sad. does he deserve his belongings? i’ve been afraid to discard them. he’ll probably sue me.
why did he come back? did i do the right thing?
i’m still nervous from it.
he looked like shit.
TOWANDA!!!!!
LIG, You might want to consider boxing up his stuff and dropping it off at a friend of his or at one of his family members house, or if you have an address for him, just mail it to him (with no note included so he can’t misinterpret that as some sort of contact efforts on your part). That would eliminate him using his things at your house as an excuse for further attempted contact. I, personally, wouldn’t find it worth the risk of hanging onto something of my ex-P’s that he actually wanted, because I’d be afraid of retaliation, but then my ex-P is the vindictive type. And kudos to you for not answering the door!