By Ox Drover
In my journey toward healing from life’s pains, and from the PTSD and the pains caused by the trauma from the psychopaths, I think one of the hardest things has been to forgive myself.
I was raised in an abusive Christian atmosphere with a terrible, impossible definition of “forgiving others,” no matter what they did, no matter if they weren’t sorry, or how likely they were to repeat the abuse to me. I was programmed to try to meet my obligation to “forgive” when there was NO WAY I was going to trust them again. How could I?
While this previous “definition” of forgiveness of others who are unrepentant has changed post-trauma to a definition of getting the bitterness out of my own heart for what they did, but it does NOT INCLUDE restoration of TRUST or “pretending it didn’t happen.”
That done, I recently had an “ah ha” experience about “FORGIVING MYSELF” for the things I have done to others that were less than stellar acts. Acts that were down right nasty, vengeful, spiteful, etc.
Some of you may have read my little “parable” about how none of us would hold a grudge or get mad at our little pet dog that was injured and lying on the street with a broken leg, if we were to rush to our puppy’s aid, and in its blinding pain and fear it lashed out at us when we tried to pick it up and it bit us. That would be a totally different reaction on our parts from the way we would react to a dog that bit us every time we went to pet it or feed it, would attack us in our sleep or when our back was turned. Few of us would keep the “psychopathic dog” very long, but we would not at all be angry with our pet that bit us in his fear and pain. We would be understanding and compassionate, though the wound was deep and hurt like heck!
The old saying “there are two sides to every story” is one we have all heard, and many times that is true. There are in the above story two VIEWS—the one of the owner, and the one of the dog.
Many years ago I fell on some brick steps and hit my shin so hard that a huge bruise immediately rose up on my shin the size of half a large grapefruit. The injury was so unexpected, and so sudden, and so painful, that when my beloved husband reached out to extend me a hand to help me up, I immediately struck out verbally and actually SNARLED at him, “DON’T TOUCH ME!”
Another time, a couple of nights after my husband’s tragic and sudden death, a beloved friend of our family was there to console us, she had driven over seven hours to be there. She was very anxious and just kept chattering and chattering. In my pain, the sound of her voice was agony, and I asked her to please be quiet and go to sleep, which then upset her more and made her more anxious and she chattered louder and longer. I finally got up in her face and seething in rage, looked at her and told her to “Shut your lips, if another word or sound comes out of them I will hit you.” Right at that moment in my horrible pain I could have done so. I could actually have hit someone I dearly loved who is in no way anything but loving to me.
Looking back over these instances, I realized in my “ah ha” moment, that there are various things like this that I have done in my life that I am sure not proud of. In pain at various times I have struck out at the very people I loved who were there for me. I have also struck out at the psychopaths many times. I have said things and done things that I am sure not proud of. I have hurt people who loved me and were only trying to comfort me in my pain.
I also realized in my “ah ha” moment that I have not forgiven myself for these things. They still make me feel bad about myself, guilty, shamed, and imperfect.
How do I forgive myself for these things? Restore my own self esteem and trust in myself? I realize that I am human, and looking at the “parable” of the injured dog from the dog’s view point, I realize that those that love me realize, just like the little dog’s owner, that I was striking out in intense pain, and that those people still love me, and forgive me. That I also should realize that I have forgiven them when in their own pain they might have hurt me, so why am I holding myself to a higher standard than I hold others to? Why am I not allowing myself the same forgiveness that I extend to others, even the psychopaths?
I realized that I need to get the bitterness against MYSELF out of my own heart for being human. I acknowledge the wrongful acts I did in striking out at others, even the psychopaths, I feel great remorse for these acts, I have “repented” (made a promise to myself and others that I will not repeat this type of behavior), I have apologized, made restitution if I could, and in short, done everything I can to “make up for” these acts. The people I wronged (except for the psychopaths) have all forgiven me, and restored me to a trusting position in their lives, so I should also forgive myself and trust myself. Being in pain is no “excuse” for biting a lovingly extended hand, but it is definitely understandable.
My forgiving others, getting the bitterness out of my heart so that it does not hurt me, is important, I think, but forgiving myself, I think is just as important. My unkind acts or verbal assaults toward the psychopath did not “ruin the relationship.” If I had been perfect it would not have improved the one-sided relationship of all-taking on their part and all-giving on mine. My failure to please them was not my “fault” in any way. No one could have pleased them. My failure to see that and to cut the relationship sooner, to set boundaries and enforce them, rather than trying to placate them by allowing their abuse was not “right,” it wasn’t a good decision, but it is understandable considering the pain that I was in. It is now time to forgive myself for being human, for being fallible and making mistakes, and for even doing things I knew were wrong.
Oh what I’ve learned over the years.
Our EXs that steal our credit cards or money or possessions, lie to us, and what we think is cheating on us with others and don’t have addictions are children of 5, 6 or 7 years of age (spiritually stunted for one reason or another). They jump from relationship to relationship looking for a safe harbor (survival purposes).
The people that you know that have addiction problems (drugs or alcohol) are stunted at the age they started drinking or doing the drugs – anethestising themselves of their pain they endured in childhood (e.g., if they started drinking at 10 and are now in their 50s or 60s … are really still at the 10 year old age …. spiritually and mentally … only looking the part of their chronological ages … lying and manipulating so they can continue their drug of choice … they can’t work the pain out on their own … are in a perpetual state of fear … and the saga continues … over and over and over again.
Peace.
Wini, You can actually spot this stunted age thing, I study their body, their conformity, their faces, their hobbies, what they collect, what they like most. All of these things, give away their real age – not their birth age. My daughter’s father, although not a PD person, has a conformity which intuits me to believe that although he is nearly 60, he is really stuck at around 15 years of age and I can see this in him very clearly, which would cause me to ask particular questions of him at around that age.
Beverly, If I was still up as my EX slept … I’d look at him and I would see a little boy sleeping where he lay, not an adult who is now 59 years old. I mentioned this too him … blah, blah, blah do you now when you were sleeping last night you look like a little boy. He just shrugged off the conversation, never answering one way or another. If he did, would he say “that’s because I am 4 or 5”?
Something to ponder.
Peace.
Oh Heck, Wini, I just wrote the same post as yours, but i deleted mine, because i thought it sounded alittle bizarre. What i said was, that when i first saw the ex in the nude, his head and face, looked ten years older than his birth age, but his body looked totally different, he had the smooth skin and body of a boy – very bizarre. When he was asleep he also looked dead at times, and I dont mean the kind of deep sleep look that people have, he actually looked dead. Shiver, shiver
I think they seem young because they cruise through life without feeling all the pain and emotional trauma that they put others through. My first husband is nearly fifty, yet barely has a grey hair and can pass for thirty-five. My ex-bf has not got a gray hair on his head and has very youthful, smooth skin. But my second husband, who not only is very emotional but also has suffered 10 years of knee surgeries, has aged so much beyond his years he doesn’t even look young enough to have been married to me.. but we’re the same age.
My P-bio-father, who was filled with RAGE all the time, looked 60 when he was 35. After about that time he didn’t continue to look older in the face, just about the same, (from the photographs I saw of him in magazines and newspapers, but part was due too a great deal of sun exposure.
He was a weight lifter, so his body was always buff and pumped when I knew him, and he was extremely strong, but as he got into his 60s I understand he quit lifting weights and just sat to be waited on, so I can imagine he didn’t look well at all. He also smoked 4-5 packs of unfiltered cigarettes daily since he was 10 yrs old. He lived to age 80 though.
Hi everyone,
Well, I’m going back home tomorrow after staying with a family member for two weeks and the thought of going back is giving me a lot of anxiety. I don’t know how I’m going to deal with being in the apartment that I shared with the ex-P. And I’m still not sure when I’m going to go back to work either, although I know the best thing to do is to get back to some kind of routine. Everyone please pray for me.
Also, please check out this site http://www.fraudaid.com/How-To-Deal-With-Having-Been-Conned/How-To-Handle-the-Aftermath.htm. I hope this helps all of us here on LF as we recover and start forgiving ourselves for being human. Peace and love to all of you.
God bless always,
heartoheart
Dear Heartoheart,
I hear your anxiety and I definitely can relate. I felt like the farm had a “black cloud” of nastiness or radioactive fall out hanging over it. I could have come back in August but didn’t come home til december was almost over, and even then it was months before the cloud disipated, but it will. NC will help with that.
Get back on the horse that threw you—and face up to going back to work, too. I think when you get there you will find that the REALITY is not nearly as bad as the ANTICIPATION of it. I imagine it will be difficult to tell people that your vacation didn’t turn out like you had thought it would, but that you have “dumped” the jerk and are moving on in your life. Keep a “stiff upper lip” and dont tell them more than you feel comfortable telling them. Remember, you don’t owe them your life story unless you want to tell it.
I have every confidence in you Heartoheart! You are a strong woman or you wouldn’t have already come this far in your healing! (((Hugs)))) and ALWAYS prayers! Oxy
Dear Heartoheart: You already are aware that you’ll be on your guard. That’s half the battle. You’ll get through the anxiety … it’s part of your healing process. Embrace all the emotions that come up. Focus on each and everyone of them. Breath in and out, listening to your breath inhaling and listening to it exhaling, inhaling, exhaling … concentrate on this for a few minutes … the more you practice this, the faster you will go into the “now”. This very minute. That’s all we have. The past is gone, the future hasn’t arrived yet … we only have this very minute and it is called “the now”. When you get into the “now” is when you find total peace, serenity and harmony. There is no pain, their is no anxiety … all there is is God’s love and virtues.
Peace, you’ll get through this, we are all praying for you.
Dear Oxy, Wini and others,
I woke up this morning with all these mixed emotions and I know I will have them for quite some time. I am (almost) ready to face all my fears and I’m trying to think of the here and now. I know that every now and then I will think of the past but know in time that that will fade, too, and eventually it will become just one big blur.
Thank you so much for all of your continued love, support, advice and prayers. I honestly don’t know what I’d do without you and LF. All of you have really been a godsend. I will continue to post and keep you afloat on my progress.
Much love,
heartoheart (22 days NC)
PEACE, PRAYERS AND > TO MY LF FAMILY!