Those of us who have been psychologically abused by sociopaths—whether we’re male or female, and whether the abuser is male or female—know that the abuse should be criminal. It appears that in France, it just may happen.
A Lovefraud reader sent me a link to an interesting story in Time Magazine. Legislators from France’s ruling party are expected to introduce a bill that would outlaw “conjugal abuse of a psychological nature” in both married and unmarried relationships.
According to Time,
The legislation seeks to target the verbal and mental denigration, humiliation and manipulation that typically lead to physical abuse. The hope is that the bill will help prevent the emotional wounds that words often cause before a punch is ever thrown.
I hope the law gets passed. I hope it works. We’ll have to see what happens.
Read the article on Time.com:
You are very welcome witsend 🙂
Kathleen,
So how did you change the way you thought about this?
How do you live in fear in your own home with someone who threatened to set it on fire. Or abuse the animals when you were gone for a few hours. Or says the most abusive things to you that you have ever heard. Breaking a lawn mower several times in one summer, so as not to have to mow the lawn. Breaking or destroying stuff around the house that you can’t AFFORD to fix.
Not to mention the daily crazy making and REAL crisis situations and lack of reality that they reside in on a daily basis. And the hatred. WHAT about the hatred? How do you live with that, and go to bed with it and wake up to it all over again? Day after day after day.
I am very curious as I believe in a very short time this is all going to be happening right under my roof again.
And if ANYONE needs to change how they think about this then maybe it is me.
witsend, mine’s not that bad. Bad enough. I deal with scary levels of anger, lack of awareness of much of anything that isn’t in his head (the night my cottage burned down, the fire alarm was going for hours while I was out of the house), blaming, all kinds of judgments of me if I try to interfere with his thinking, all kinds of reasons why all kinds of things are my fault. But he also has a core of rationality. He knows there’s a difference in him between when he’s triggered and he’s not, and he knows that he’s got serious problems.
The challenge is not the same. None of these are exactly the same. And yours is complicated by other children. You have a lot of protecting to do. Not just yourself. With his verbal abuse, destructiveness and threats, even if he had a rational, reflective side, I think you’re dealing with something that you quite rightly consider dangerous.
And if you’re asking for advice, I think I’d be inclined to do whatever I had to do to wall him out. Physically, emotionally, whatever. Forget everything that’s gone before (unless you can make use of it), and then use whatever resources you can find — DV, police, mental health — to say that you can no longer house him, that you fear for your children and your life. And if those people who took him don’t want him anymore, inform everyone that you are not going to let him in, and if they don’t want him wandering the streets and doing the same violence and damage that he’s been doing and threatening in your home, they’d better figure out what to do with him. Because if you have to, you’re picking up your other children and fleeing.
I’m talking about taking a position. I don’t know if it will work, or if somehow the law will force you to take him back in. Or if you’re even willing to take a position like this. Your situation seems to be well-documented. No matter what kind of resistance you might find, and whatever impression they might give that you’re not doing your job, I think you’ve got a legally and morally defensible position. And even if you can’t get attention or action until he literally harms you, the risk to your younger children may help the authorities to understand that you need to lock him out, until there is clear indication he can manage his anger and take responsibility for his behavior.
I think that the other piece of this is telling him. That he needs to find somewhere else to live.
I don’t know all the pieces of this, witsend. What I’m saying is less based on my experience with my son, than my experience with my father. I grew up with someone like him. And over forty years after leaving that house (the oldest child), I still sometimes wonder if I should have found a shotgun and killed him, and gone to jail, rather than allow him to continue to destroy the rest of the family.
Which is not to suggest that you do that, but that the potential for disaster here is real and that you’re not the only one involved, though you’re the only adult. And maybe that the risk you’re facing isn’t just what he might do, but the impact on your resources and your judgment if this becomes part of your everyday reality again. All that energy and headspace he consumes in your life is taken away from your chances to provide for your other kids, and to try to protect them from trauma.
All that said, I know how hard this is. It’s really drawing a hard line and saying you’re finished. I don’t know if you’re ready to do that.
But it sounds like the break from having him around has made it pretty clear what the difference is, between having him there and having him gone.
I’m thinking about tough, confrontational therapy I’ve seen with DV abusers and incest fathers who are trying to get back to their families. (Because I was writing about these topics, I’ve sat in on some group sessions.) If there is any chance that he’s simply an out-of-control teenager, that kind of therapy might help, but it’s out of your hands. He’ll get there when he gets in trouble, and it would be best if he gets in trouble iwth someone else, not with you.
I’ve got to do a business call now and can’t proof this. I hope it’s useful in some way. I am humbled by your situation, and this is all I can think of right now.
Kathy
So much sorrow, pain, anger, frustration. The best I have been able to do over the years is to appreciate the days when the good outweighs the bad.
I look at images of what happened in Haiti and appreciate the fact that I have water and toilet paper (at the very least:) Of course, I know only too well – that no matter what is going on in the world – the things that are happening in our immediate surroundings are the things that can bring us to our knees.
Erin – your son reminds me of mine….your feelings of anger remind me of my rage… The confabulations…getting up late…not acknowledging that I am a human being…pushing my buttons…a parallel universe. There were so many signs – early on. I made excuses for him: He was too young…he missed his father…he ended up with the wrong crowd…his hormones were raging…he was lazy…sibling rivalry…teenage angst…confusion…chemical disorder…genes…his parent’s conflicts…etc. etc.
Every excuse led me back to feeling guilty. Maybe I was emotionally absent (I apologized to my sons for those times I was not always there for them – even though I thought I was -they told me that they didn’t know what I was talking about!!!) … Maybe I shouldn’t have let them see me cry (my ex always told me to keep my feelings to myself) Hmmm?…Maybe I shouldn’t have given my sons so much privacy…or maybe I didn’t give them enough? Maybe I let them eat too much junk food…Maybe I wasn’t tough enough…or maybe I was too lenient…etc. etc.
Years of therapy, soul searching, reading and writing made me realize that I did the best I could. I have carried these boys on my shoulder every inch of the way. My younger son would have failed every grade…would have failed Highschool…would have never made it this far – if I had not used up all of my energy, resources and gut-wrenching love.
However – and here is my point – I only delayed the inevitable.
One of my sons has made it for 29 years by cheating – lying – stealing (mostly from me) but, also from credit card companies. He is the proverbial “Catch Me If You Can” kind of criminal…and someday – someone will catch up with him.
Like Wits – I saw it one day. The eyes. There was nothing recognizable in those eyes. When I teach people how to paint portraits – I always tell them to paint light and ife into the eyes. That’s what is missing in my sons eyes. No light and no life. No soul.
It took me 25 years to “get it”…and it took me a few more years to “let go” – not only of my dreams (a nice family with a nice husband, children and grandchildren) but, of the intense desire for my sons to be happy, productive, loving and kind.
I wanted so much for my boys to treat women with respect…I fought for that…I preached my philosophy…I taught by example. It didn’t happen. Their role model was their father.
Reading everyone’s stories brought back so many memories.
Things certainly change as our children get older…but, unless we turn into sociopaths and have no feelings ourselves…the tears will never stop flowing – just flow less often.
I have been an educator most of my life – and one thing I know for certain – character traits are pretty much set by the time children finish Highschool. It doesn’t much matter if they turned out that way because of a genetic component or their environment. It is what it is.
I wish there was an easy answer on how to cope. One thing I have learned during the past few years is this: The crazy making person is the one in charge and they know it. The anger and turmoil they cause and our reaction to it – is almost like an addiction. I never thought that I would be able to turn my back on so many people who used me – including my kids…but, I was. My therapist kept telling me: “Take care of yourself first.” I thought I knew what she was talking about…but, it took a long time to figure it out.
Take care of yourself ladies. In little ways. Enjoy a hot bath and listen to your thoughts. I have the greatest revelations in the bathtub:) Enjoy a good meal…forget about calories once in a while. Watch a funny sitcom like “The Middle”…it makes our lives seem less complicated:)
The thing that helps the most is that you have each other. Reading your stories and knowing that there are people who care and who can empathize is the greatest gift.
You might think that the hard part is living with our kids (sociopaths or not) – but, the hardest part is living without them. No more fights…no more crazy making…no more arenalin rushes. The screaming and name calling is replaced by dead silence…hope is replaced by the realization that things will never change…dreams turn into depression. The Christmas decorations go up but, there is no one to enjoy them but yourself. Instead of setting a beautiful dinner table – you eat something in front of the television.
We have to learn how to cope through every stage of our lives…the alternative is worse.
Have a nice evening.
Hi GeminiGirl:
HAPPY AUSTRALIA DAY!
I’m watching the Australian Open Tennis Tournament on TV, and they said that today is Australia Day (holiday).
So, Happy Australia Day to all of the Australian bloggers!
witsend, You are amazing at articulating your situation with your son. I cant even tell you how similar my son acts to yours. In reading your last post,outlining everything in such clear, concise no nonsense truths, I searched for individual differences of the two (my son vs. your sons behavior)and I cant identify anything so far that I would have to say is not true of my son.
My fear of him is there, as he became violent with me a couple of times-even grabbed me by the throat, slinging me down and flipping over the furniture. I locked myself into my bedroom (already complete with deadbolt, reinforced door casing,and hotel locks-from the days of the abusive X- S husband )
I then screamed out that I was calling the police- when I was sure he walked out, I ran, locked all doors, and set my alarm.
The 2nd time my son got the crazed look and went into a rage on me, I got as far away as possible from his reach,put the red dot on his chest of my high powered tazer gun and told him to leave. He refused, I was totally prepared to shoot if he proceeded to attack me ( tazer is not lethal, just painfully knocks them down so that escape is possible.He finally took off. He even denies his violence toward me as if I am crazy and imagined it all.
I do not take any chances when he comes around. As unpredictable as he is, I can still sense the “demonic” demeanor as it begins to escalate. I get away at all costs-no 2nd guessing my instincts- I protect myself by having little contact with him, but when I do, I make a point to try to not ever be alone with him.
Wits, as you said the hatred they have for us is chilling, and beyond comprehension. I cant even believe that I “STILL” try to reach out to him after all that he has said and done to crush me.
BUt my efforts are getting more and more calculated and fixed on not enabling- such as refusal to post bond to bail him out of jail, refusing for him to ever stay here at my home, and basically protecting myself from him.
Another trait in him is the distrust he has in me. He assumes EVERYTHING I say or do is a lie, every thing behind my actions has a self serving “motive” that is out to get him, and has accused me of being a “user” – I guess that is called projection- he IS all of those things and can’t fathom that others dont live in a predatory state as he does.
Wits, as you said, they WILL destroy the house and expensive items by their carelessness, and calculated plans. People will say- if hes living with you, make him do all the chores,etc. OMG! You end up WORSE off- my new riding lawnmover was taken down into the woods, and left. My car was wrecked, BUT he swore he didnt do it- altho I was recovering from surgery, & he was the only driver. MY computer had all kinds of porn popping up from him using it without my permission, and charges from movies he had rented- ALL DENIED by him. Its insanity! WHen he lived here,I could take away ALL his privaleges- car, cell phone, etc. AND HE DIDNT CARE. He was content to torture me by his destroying of property, and destroying my life piece by piece.
As sick as this is, I hate to even admit this (if easily offended, please excuse the bluntness here) he defecated IN his shower one nite,leaving it for me to find the next day!!
Once again- he had no explanation, and denied it to be him!!!WTF??? BUt even beyond all that, the DV with the g.f. terifies me, and the extent he has gone to lie about it.!!
Thanks for letting me vent here. I have heartbrokenly read all your posts, Erin, Petra, Wits, and all others, and wish we had some answers to all the madness. Take care beautiful angelic moms who have sacrificed so much!
Dear Petra,
Your above post tells it “like it is”—-and we all I think had this “fantasy life” that we kept trying to fit the square peg of reality into our round hole of fantasy and it never quite fit, but we kept on using our hearts as “hammers” to try to force the fit.
I still find myself sometimes feeling a failure when I look around me and see others who “have” (or at least pretend to have) what I wish I had…but, many times their lives are not as “rosy” as they make them out to be….”don’t let the neighbors know what really goes on in our home.”
Yes, you are also right about counting our blessings. Compared to the misery, hunger, abuse, poverty and injustice I have seen in this world, up close and personal, not just on the tube of what is going on in Haiti right now, we are BLESSED beyond belief. At least a billion people in this world would be very happy to have a dry place to sleep, enough clean water and food to make it through the day and even rudimentary medical care. I need to tell myself that and literally sit down and count over my blessings for those things I take for granted. (((hugs)))
Petra 60,
I am sorry that I didn’t include your name with the moms earlier today that I was “feeling” for….. It wasn’t done with intention as I had just re-read one of your post and was actually thinking about you when I was posting.
You have been through so much and survived it all. Believe it or not you are what I consider my “hero”. Oxy already knows she is my hero,(I think). I don’t use this term loosly either.
I believe that the biggest cross to carry in this world is loosing a child. And if you can come to the other side of this kind of loss and be “alive” then I really have to admire you for that. And this IS the loss of a child. In the sense that it is terminal, and there is no hope for recovery. The body is still present in this world but the soul isn’t.
Right now there are moments were I still cling to that intense desire you spoke of, that my son might live a loving, happy, productive, life.
I have these weak moments, when I think of him as a child. And the happy memories. He had the most beautiful eyes I have ever seen. The blue of the sky, seemed pale by comparison.
And I can NOT believe that the stranger that looked at me with those dead eyes can belong to the same person. It just doesn’t seem possible. And yet I saw it with my own eyes.
Sabrina,
The projection thing was something I always found kind of amazing. Obviously not good amazing, but amazing. Because it is really hard to wrap your brain around this. What ARE they thinking when they project this stuff onto us?
The other thing I had a real hard time wrapping my brain around was how they can do something right there in front of you or TO YOU and then act like you imagined it when you would call them on it. LIKE it never happened.
And that is why I believe that they really do live and believe in their own reality. And they “adjust” their reality to suit them.
Hey Witsend,
Im just catching up on posts before bed…
I hope you are feeling better today, although I know even “feeling better” can be relative sometimes when dealing with this on a daily basis. It never seems to feel right on any given day. Maybe just seems like carrying a lighter load…some days.
As you know, I was a daughter who grew up (initially with a mentally-ill mother, who later vanished for nearly all of my adult life)…but when she was in my life…things in my world – were never what other families seemed to have/experience.
Without going into it… there were times in my life that my sister and I had my mom committed ( she was forced to take meds — it was short-lived tho, because as soon as she got out she went off of them)…there were times when I witnessed some things that no child should…and there were times that I just “gave in” and sat across from her yessing her, or being convincingly agreeable with whatever craziness came out of her being. What Im trying to say — is eventually it was out of my control — and I chose to be “present” in a way that never ruffled her feathers. My sister on the other hand chose to be in her face and call her out and demand she be on meds and get help and live in reality…
In the end, my mother lived the life she chose. Along the way, her family and friends did whatever they could to either support her or give her tough love. Its personal choice and circumstance evoking. I just want you to know, I do not feel that I gave up on her, or let her down for choosing to deal with it the best way I could for myself — I feel that because I chose to do what was right for me (the few times she got visitation or we found her or we thought she was on medication) I feel that I had more quality time with her than my sister. But my sister feels she had quality time with her just in a different way.
What Kathy said to you, is SO TRUE WITSEND “He’ll get there when he gets in trouble, and it would be best if he gets in trouble with someone else, not with you.”
Even with teenagers less rebellious and not so far removed from reality, they can tend to risk failing or not graduating high school, and there are consequences they have to take-on and live with and figure out. Its on them… not you.
I think Im just trying to say at some point you have to think as much about yourself and your well being as you do your sons. If you have fear – then you know that he shouldnt and cant return. Certainly not unless he agrees to realistic terms and conditions (therapy, schooling, etc) which you know he wont. Just like we knew my mom would not agree to taking her medicine in order to be with us.
I ended up loving her from afar. Loving her when a random phone call came from her from god knows where. Loving her, missing her, wishing for things to be different but letting go of her was what I needed to do in order to live my life. I could have cut her off completely, but I chose not to in terms of accepting her calls, etc. Her parents did…they needed to…she took their money, she threatened them, she lived in her own world, her own reality, and at times she had everyone scared. But I remember my grandmother would take every collect call and try like hell to be loving and caring (with boundaries) when she appeared.
So this is what I learned….my mom lived the life she chose… I think we all do. Her life was the furthest from anything any of us could ever imagine – some days a living hell — some days she honestly lived happier than I ever have – doing her own thing, making bad choices, making good choices ( I dont condone it at all – no balance, no structure, not a contributing member of society, etc…. but it was her life to live – not mine to control or judge) and she did. WE all do.
I know your sons situation is different than my moms – but I hope sharing my view/experience lends some comfort to you. If my teenager was in your sons shoes, i would have done everything you have done – I would have fought for counseling, teaching support – interventions – tough love – sweet love – and then I guess because of my experience with my mom – I would decide whether it was more important to distance myself completely or with boundaries or to do what I did with my mom — the times she wanted to spend with me – I did so – doing things she wanted to do within reason/ a things she wanted to do or needed me to do without me expecting anything in return and without me trying to set her straight on her comments/thoughts/behaviours.
OMG, I could go on and on…about how her she rang up a hotel bill into the thousands and tried to put it on her parents charge, and got arrested and how they stopped sending her money (rightfully so) and how she went down every wrong road in life possible… by choice or her mental illness…or both… but in the end she lived her own life. Sometimes a good path along the way on meds -or in love and on her best behavior or happy to be friends with a total stranger… everyone finds their way. Everyone does.
All we can do is give unconditional love to our children/parents/family/friends within reason. When it becomes fearful or unbearable we have to know in our hearts that we MUST protect ourselves and do what we can to make the situation as functional as possible .. Even if it means stepping into their world from time to time and being there on the smallest most amicable level possible. (Certainly this is not true for anyone causing us physical abuse or threats or severe severe issues – then you remove yourself 100%). There comes a point though where you know when you cant lose yourself over trying to reach out to them/fix them. Only they can want that for themselves – eventually some hit rock bottom and try, several times…and others …well they go on to live a much different life than we ever imagined. But its thier choice. Just like your older son has chosen a different path than your younger son. But you loved them both the same… time will tell…
You all are amazing moms. You care and you give your best and seek the best possible answers and solutions. So did I reversely – with my mom. But sometimes they dont always happen and you find that life will go on, just differently than you imagined…so you set boundaries and protect your sense of self – spirit and soul! You are not alone. I use to feel alone until I found LF…knowing its here has helped me learn and grow and know theres always a place I can go to find comfort and a sense of comfort and understanding.
Hang in there…listen to your instincts…trust yourself! xoxo LTL