Those of us who have been psychologically abused by sociopaths—whether we’re male or female, and whether the abuser is male or female—know that the abuse should be criminal. It appears that in France, it just may happen.
A Lovefraud reader sent me a link to an interesting story in Time Magazine. Legislators from France’s ruling party are expected to introduce a bill that would outlaw “conjugal abuse of a psychological nature” in both married and unmarried relationships.
According to Time,
The legislation seeks to target the verbal and mental denigration, humiliation and manipulation that typically lead to physical abuse. The hope is that the bill will help prevent the emotional wounds that words often cause before a punch is ever thrown.
I hope the law gets passed. I hope it works. We’ll have to see what happens.
Read the article on Time.com:
Witsend – thanks for including me. I didn’t think you did it on purpose. From what I can tell – everyone on Lovefraud has nothing but the kindest of intentions.
I have been a mentor for hundreds of military women, adult education students, university students, etc. and so many of them were hurting. There are few people who are not suffering – rich, poor, young and old, healthy and sick. Like OxD. wrote – we often don’t see people beyond the superficial.
People saw me as strong and competent – with a great family and a wonderful home. I was always ready to listen and/or give advice – but, I felt like a fraud. There I was – comforting the women who lost their husbands in combat or in a helicopter crash…helping students get over their depression and anxieties…listening to stories of abuse and divorce…never admitting that I was in the same boat.
Everyone thought I was married to the greatest man on earth…he always called me “Love”…sent me flowers…kissed me in front of everyone…helped at parties… Nobody knew what I had to endure. I did tell my sisters or friends – but, they thought I was crazy. How does one explain covert abuse?
Anyway – no use going down memory lane. Just wanted to tell you that I am no less of a hero than all those women….no less couragous than you or all those who share their stories.
For those of you who are struggling with “letting go” of their children – whatever you do – don’t let them abuse you. Call the police or a social worker. The first time my son got into my face – I told him to get out – and he never lived with me again. I did the same thing with my ex. We all set different boundaries….mine was “physical abuse”. My ex tried to strangle me twice (then he told me it didn’t happen)…I locked him out and turned on the alarm. That was the easy part.
The hard part is to keep them locked out. First they pretend it’s O.K….then, they start to make promises…then, if they realize you mean it – they get angry…then, the abuse escalates. It took a long, long time before I stopped wishing for my ex to come back. We had been married for 30 years (most of that time he was gone) and I never gave up hope that change was possible. After all – he was capable of treating other people with respect – and he told me that he loved me more than anyone. It took even longer before I internalized that my ex and my son were beyond redemption. People like us – cannot fathom a total lack of conscience, remorse, empathy and understanding.
But, there comes a moment when enough is enough. There is that moment when you realize that they can’t love…that they never loved you (in every sense of that word)…that they will never love you. Everything they do is not even because of hate…they just don’t care. It’s the closest to evil one can ever get. It’s the terrorist in our midst. They scare and intimidate us…they make us feel like prisoners in our own home…they distroy our spirit… We disintegrate while they gain strength.
And yes – Gemini – I agree with you. Being alone is so much better. When I mentioned the “alternative” – I meant “being dead”.
You seem to be such a creative spirit, and I am happy that you found someone after only six months. At least you were able to trust again.
Thank you OxD. for taking the time to validate my post. It sounds like you have found comfort in being a mentor and writer. You seem to be a supportive friend to everyone on this site. It is worth so much more than anything I can think of.
We all need witnesses to our lives…we need to be validated…we need to be understood. Thank you all for that.
Ladies……
Wow…..there is a lot to think about…
You all write so eloquently…..my heart is saddened. It is a different sad thatn with the S…..much different…..
It’s a mommy sad….I want to help you sad….and knowing I can’t.
Thank you all for sharing your stories and your journies and your well earned and weathered wisdom with me. (us).
I am feeling overwhelmed with all the posts above and need some time to read and re-read…..It’s like a crystal ball into my future with this child.
You are all so very giving with the biggest hearts…..I appreciate the comraderie and the validation ans comfort I find here always!
For now….I am holding my breath……and I will exhale slowly and come to my decision as there is nothing i can do for now.
I love my son…..but as my therapist said to me…sometimes we must allow life to be their teachers.
Thank you all from the bottom of my heartbroken heart…..
XXOO
EB
Geminigirl,
Thank you for the information, although it is sad. And thank you for caring so much for another Lovefraud member.
New Lily, I so hope you have found peace.
All:
New Lily’s obituary can be accessed on http://www.legacy.com.
Geminigirl,
That is so sad. I always thought about our dear Lily. I am happy that you sent her that gift Gem.
The hardest part is that we “know” her sadness that she took to her grave.
Reading her obituary, she had a large family including several grandchildren, and it said she was surrounded by family when she passed. And all I could think of as I read that was to LITTLE to LATE.
She needed her adult childrens support while she was living…..
witsend:
I had the same thought. I found it especially ironic that several of her kids expressed their “condolences” in the on-line guest book.
Geminigirl. Thankyou for sharing the terrible news about ANewlily. I didnt have that many conversations with her and I took a break from here just after she went into hospital I think but Its really unhappy news to return to. I hope she is at peace.x Much love to ANewlily.x
Gem, Thank you so much for the news of New lily. I am so sorry to hear it, but cant help but think that she is finally resting in Gods arms surrounded with love that she never got on earth. Bless you for sending those gifts to her!! You were her angel in her time of need, showing her love and caring for her.
Also, THANK YOU you for saying what I honestly know in my heart that is true- about what Ephesians says about “wrestling not with flesh and blood..” I guess out of concern that most would think that I am “nuts” for believing that demonic possession is among us, I keep that more to myself.
I, too believe that this is more than likely the culprit for all the S that walk among us. I have posted before about how many scriptures back up this and warn us about evil doers and the dangers therein.
I feel most people reject the idea that their loved one is truly possessed by demons. In the bible, there are several examples of demon possessions, and Jesus cast them out. Why do we ignore this knowledge today?
Many pastors and others have witnessed demons being cast out of people. There are very common threads in their experiences.I have heard that these demon possessed people (old and young alike) appear to be normal- even going into churches,sitting on the church pews, but witnesses say there IS something different about them..(they are known by their fruits)
Some sense the unclean spirit among them.
Society seems to reject the idea of demon possesion,( even tho it is noted many times in the bible) even more than they are willing to accept that sociopaths exist.
In seeing my son transform into this dead eyed ,non- functioning ,disassociated being, I for one feel that unclean spirits, demonic forces, or whatever you choose to call it has inhabited his body. He is NOT the person that he was as a child, he is NOT just sowing his wild oats as they say, going thru a bad stage, etc etc. We that have lived with this, know the difference.
Its easier, and safer for doctors to label “disordered” personalities. And for heavens sake, they would be mocked and ran outta town if they proclaimed this “radical” idea of demonic spirits. We can all compartmentalize and believe the “accepted” medical terms that we are given, however for those of us truly living with this ‘disorder”, we might should break it down alittle further, to its biblical roots. This is my opinion, I am NOT trying to convince anyone else to believe this way, as it is strictly my beliefs. But its good to be able to voice honest assessments of our own individualality,
Kathleen,
I just wanted you to know that I don’t have younger children involved. That is Erin who still has younger ones at home.
My son is my youngest. And I wish this was really just about ME making a decision of what I would choose to do.
Right now the law gives him a choice, to leave home, (w/o being treated as runaway) but until he is of age (18) it clearly states that I am responsible. So for one year the law is “grey” and the grey area is in his favor.
For now, I have told him that he made his choices and now he needs to live in his choices.
I have chosen at my end NOT to enabel his choice to leave home. In other words I don’t provide him rides to school ect.
I have chosen to let him and the family that took him in to figure it all out.
And it all sounds good, however at the legal end I am still responsible. In the schools eyes, in the states eyes, financially etc.
So recently he was “mad” at the people who took him in. He lied to me (go figure) and told me a “story” of how he wouldn’t be able to stay there anymore.
The story he told had NOTHING to do with what was really going on over there.
What really happened is he got “grounded” for his actions.
Not coming home in time, not being where he was supposed to be and not calling them to inform them of his whereabouts. Grounded for a week. And he wanted out of the situation he created.
My problem is that this is going to be a very temporary situation, him living there. (I thought it might be over already)
Right now, its kind of “until the next time there is a problem” situation.
And I don’t have a plan for the “next” time. My hands are pretty tied. (as I see it)
The law is not in my favor to do what I would like to do. And that would be to NOT allow him to come back home.
I know that might sound terrible to many mothers, but those that have walked in these shoes would understand.
Its not about love. I love my son. But I can’t reach him.
Witsend,
It does not sound terrible to me for you to want to NOT allow him to come back home. I dont think he will even realize legal options if you were to put your foot down and tell him he isnt allowed back home…and he would probably be 18 by the time any legalities would come to fruition.
I think it is about love. Not only love for your son…but most importantly love and sanity and safety for yourself – if you feel fear or afraid of his actions. Its the kind of love I tried to express above … from afar…a newfound love that goes along with not being able to reach him. One that says I can only do my best as your Mother, and I feel I have and will continue to with boundaries…
AT this point, it really may be about you making a decidion of what you would choose to do. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
And my heart goes out to dear sweet New Lily… Gem your post made me cry – we were all lucky to have New Lily touch our lives with her story and posts… you especially touched her life. Thank you for sharing that story.