Those of us who have been psychologically abused by sociopaths—whether we’re male or female, and whether the abuser is male or female—know that the abuse should be criminal. It appears that in France, it just may happen.
A Lovefraud reader sent me a link to an interesting story in Time Magazine. Legislators from France’s ruling party are expected to introduce a bill that would outlaw “conjugal abuse of a psychological nature” in both married and unmarried relationships.
According to Time,
The legislation seeks to target the verbal and mental denigration, humiliation and manipulation that typically lead to physical abuse. The hope is that the bill will help prevent the emotional wounds that words often cause before a punch is ever thrown.
I hope the law gets passed. I hope it works. We’ll have to see what happens.
Read the article on Time.com:
Learnthelesson,
Bless you my dear….Thank you for sharing more of your story with your mom. You have such a wonderful outlook and such a kind heart.
In many ways I feel that I have come to a cross road. Emotionally. The “road” I have traveled since his departure has had its share of bumps and detours but overall it has been the smoothest road I have been on for the last two years.
That feeling of not walking on eggshells every minute of my waking hours has been very GOOD for me. I can actually think clearly some days. I cry just as often as when he was living here. My heart is VERY heavy. But there IS something different.
I can’t put my finger on it exactly.
Right at this moment (tomorrow things could change) Things are the way they should be. If nothing else we are getting a break from one another.
I was at the point before he left that I really couldn’t take it anymore. Everyone has a breaking point and I believe I was at mine. Emotional wise and stressed to the max. I am trying to use this time to learn to calm myself. To breath in and out. To embrace the silence.
It is always tomorrow that I fear. I seem to be “programed” now for waiting for the other shoe to fall.
Someday I hope to be able to live in the moment.
Witsend, I support your decisions 100%. You know my feelings on the subject. I, too was concerned when my son went to live with other people (at 16 or so), that I was still ultimately responsible, but I had legally gone before the courts and named him a defiant teenager, admitting that despite my efforts- I could not force him to attend school, stay within curfew,etc.- I think when you did it- in your state it is “incorrugible” (?) Which I beleive would help you IF he ends up breaking rules, in trouble, etc.
ALthough I was concerned about it, I never had any negative reprucussions (legally) from his choice to move out. After my son ran away from my home and stayed with friends for awhile, he petitioned to the court to live with his step dad at that age, with whom I KNEW wouldnt provide much discipline, which was WHY my son wanted to live with him.- MY SON tried moving around with friends as yours is, and ALWAYS tried to come home here and there between soap operas at others homes. When he did, his anger and inability to follow simple rules made it unbearable- exactly what he intended.
To those parents who took “poor baby” in and believed “I” was this evil mommy dearest, I couldnt help but feel a …. I told ya so…NOW he is burning down your life! YOU WERE WARNED!
My own sister in law talked dreadfully about me for asking the courts to assist me by way of juvenile boot camp, etc in leiu of his repeated failed drug tests, BUT his hatred, defiance, and crazy making was a huge reason for my cries of help!
SO my son goes to my brother and sister in laws to stay- SHE WOULD PROVE THAT I WAS JUST TOO HARD ON HIM.
Within days, my son verbally attacks my mom, has the women in the family in tears, the men wanting to beat his a**, and SHE (sis-in-law) GLADLY ships him off!
No one should judge your decisions that have to be made. Be strong, and take care! (HUGGS)))
Wits, dont feel bad that you are enjoying normal life again. I felt as tho I had won the lottery when he was gone!!! Be thankful you are “FREE”- dont worry about tomorrow, try to enjoy this day!
Witsend,
I know what a VERY heavy heart is…I know the pain and the tears….I do, I really do understand. And I know there isnt much anyone can do or say to make that “feeling” that “place” inside any better. It just happens with time and life situations and continual learning and growing on our part.
Im glad you have found a place of peace along the road you are traveling. Perhaps a time of taking it all in, regrouping, growing, learning, losing, grieving all the while gaining direction and perspective.
One of the most powerful things I experienced in my journey was the differences between my sister and myself with regard to the way we “dealt with/handled/behaved” as “daughters”. It opened my eyes to the fact that each and every one of us is truly unique and our own beings. And when we do whats right for us (not whats expected or what others want us to do)…but when we follow and trust our instinct we usually end up so much better for that.
I remember the days my sister (and she was and will always be my best friend – although we are night and day)…but my sister would say — whats wrong with you ? why dont you care? why dont you speak up to her and tell her she is ruining her life and our life? why dont you seek to find her and get her help? what kind of daughter just coasts along – goes along with her crazy talk – or gives her love when she gives you nothing in return? And I would say right back to her…Why do you try to change who she is? You cant save her/rescue her? You are losing yourself trying to reach her…she doesnt want to be reached. You fight with her…you never win…you try to reason with someone who doesnt even know the meaning of that word…etc…etc…etc.
AND in the end we were two different spirit/souls…who basically gave eachother permission to be the daughters we could be/chose to be in order to get through. We both loved our mother – reached out to her – and heldon/ let go – in our own unique individual ways and to this day we both continue to struggle and learn how to love ourselves as well. But its getting better!! 🙂
Just as all mothers are unique and should do what they know to be best for themselves and their children. So Witsend, dont wait to live in the moment. Start today. It is through my experience that I think Ive started “walking barefoot through life”, because the “other shoe was always falling” no matter what I did. 🙂 being myself -like you, and so many of us – a daughter, a mother, a friend, a success, a failure, a learner and truth seeker … letting go of guilt as best as I could and continue to – and holding onto to who I am and could be to my Mom within my own comfort zone!!!!!! I got creative and found the balance that only i could deal with – on my terms. Again, if I had to – I would have cut her off completely (like you may have to or choose to)…but I was able to deal with just being in her presence and accepting her for who she was…not enabling, not condoning…just sort of not reaching for her or trying to change her…but listening and being there (but removed) until it was time for goodbye.
It was those choices or coping mechanisms of mine that likely set me up for my dysfunctional relationship with my ex. So Im learning that what worked for me with my mom – does NOT work for me if I want to have a healthy relationship with someone. I cannot sit back and be accepting of everything in everyone – I have to set boundaries and seek respectful trusting loving healthy people in my life.
Oh my ….Im rambling…think thats why I dont post as often as I use to :))) I just want you to know when you are ready you can start to live in the moment of ur truth, ur reality and that of your sons. There is no right or wrong…just learning and growing…you learn to respect your choices and protect yourself which in essence is how we protect our children too… whether he chooses to respect and protect himself is another story. Just take one day at a time. Tomorrow is not to fear, for it may never come one day! Live in the moment. xoxoxoxoxo LTL
Sabrina,
Like you, I did file that incorrigible teenager through the courts. I got a “program” instead of going in front of a judge…But I guess if nothing else I got a paper trail with the court. I can’t refile because of his age (now) though or I would.
I also have a file at the local police department from when he recently left home. I couldn’t file a runaway, but I do have documentation that he left home w/o my permission and that I have no control what so ever over him.
I am not sure what good a paper trail does, but it might be of importance in the future.
I have very mixed feelings about the people who took him in.
Like your son mine told a whopper of a story. I am pretty sure that I was portrayed as the evil mother, blah blah….He even OFFERED these people his entire bank account to take him in. So you can imagine that these people must think I am really a terrible person. Because what kid would do that?
I have to be perfectly honest here though, and say that if a young kid of that age came to me and was so DESPERATE to get out of his house as mine was, I to would “wonder” about the parents involved, it would be hard NOT to. So many kids are in abusive situations. But……
The DIFFERENCE is that I would ask the parent for THEIR side of the story as well. And I believe that these people really made their decision to take him in BEFORE they ever spoke with me.
And because of this….I didn’t share much with them once I talked to them. Just pretty much that he was very oppositional with me and that I wasn’t able to parent him effectively. Nothing I did worked as far as consequences. Not positive consequences nor negative.. I kept it pretty simple because I figured if they really wanted to know what I had to offer they would have ASKED me sooner.
I guess I think of them as rescuers/enabelers. They enabeled him to leave home, w/o my permission. They put a roof over his head. I felt that they were “judging” me and my sons situation, by what he had to say about me. And we know that wasn’t a story about FACTS.
They have a bit of their own family drama going on though as well. A situation with their own son (my sons friend) And that is the story my son focused on when he lied to me and was “fishing” to come back home.
And in another sense I feel some gratitude, that they took him in. He does have a roof over his head. I am trying not to be harsh in my judgement of them. I don’t like what they did, but I understand it to some degree. And there is NO perfect solution to this. And whatever they can do for him it is a temporary solution to what is going to be an ongoing problem at best.
Because none of this is going to go away, even when he reaches the “magic” age.
When he goes into the world as an “adult”….
I see him as a train wreck looking for a place to happen.
Sabrina,
Side note…When I say that I see my son as a train wreck looking for a place to happen…..I don’t mean that in a dramatic way…I mean that in a factual way. In other words I think I am coming to grips with the reality of the situation.
These kids do not allow you to “prepare” them for going out into the real world. They leave thinking the rules do NOT apply to them. They leave feeling entitled that the world owes them a living and that the world will conform to them. They leave w/o the ability to love or feel compasion, or empathy or kindness. All that you did try to “give” them or “teach” them they leave behind. (ironically as if it all never happened, that lack of reality thing, as if you didn’t try to be there for them)
All they take with them is anger.
And so when they step out there…In the real world…It is just the begining of another chapter.
You pretty well know that the world will not treat them well, nor will they treat well those they encounter in the world.
It is not the way it is supposed to be when you “let go” and your adult “child” ventures out into the world. But it is what it is.
Dear Wits,
Well, his fantasy of being able to do what he wanted and not have consequences from the people providing him a roof over his head and food etc…he IS of course entitled to be provided for by these people (he thinks!) but also IS entitled to make his own rules (he thinks!)
My husband used to say “the golden rule is HE WHO HAS THE GOLD MAKES THE RULES” so, if you are going to live in MY house, it is MY rules. He obviously tested them and they did stand up to him. Even though they are attempting to rescue him from YOU–LOL—you old meanie, you—LOL—they are obviously trying to set some rules, which I think your son DID NOT EXPECT, he has not yet “gotten” the Version of the “golden rules” my husband espoused. In reality I think we all should feel that way. MY house, MY rules. It came down recently to that with my GROWN adult son, he knew the rules and he chose to VIOLATE them, and he could have left any time he didn’t like the rules, rather than to stay there and VIOLATE the rules, but MY HOUSE, MY RULES—it hurt, because I had come to trust my son C, and it was “out of the blue” that he lied to me. It may be that there were a multitude of “reasons” (excuses) of why he decided to break the rules and then lie about it, then project on to me being “the problem” and ME being unreasonable.
There were days I regretted I had to enforce the rules, to set the boundaries and to tell him to leave because I really didn’t want him to leave, and I thought it was being beneficial for him financially for him to be there, BUT, he was not taking advantage of the OPPORTUNITY to save money while he was living in my house (he was paying a FAIR SHARE of room and board) but being there was the ONLY opportunity he could have had to SAVE money, but he CHOSE to spend it on “toys” rather than save it. He had a legal right to do that, or to stand up to me and say, “I don’t want to live by your rules, so I am moving out and will spend my money any way I like” but he chose to pretend to save money while NOT saving money, then to lie about it. I can’t do the lies. I won’t do the lies. Now that he is moved out, he will not be able to provide a place for himself to live and all his other expenses and save money, but he can spend himself (again) into bankruptcy or poverty–but it is his choice, and he no longer has the option to come to my house because he blew it by lying.
I’m sorry that he has chosen this path, but it isn’t something that I can fix. He obviously didn’t value me and the opportunity I was giving him. So that is HIS problem not mine. I no longer owe him anything—he’s over 18.
Oxy,
How are you doing? Still at your friends house? Hope you are having time away from home that is relaxing 🙂
I have to go to the PO before they close. Did you read about dear Lily? That was sad news, I hope she is at peace.
“He obviously didn’t value me and the opportunity I was giving him”- Oxy THat is golden, I will footnote that for ALL my experiences with the S in my life- expecially my son.
Witsend, I was kinda like you, thankful to a large extent that someone was taking in my son and dealing with him even tho it was for the wrong reasons, based on his make believe world of smoke n mirrors.
THe only flip side to that is what I am struggling/grieving over now which is at 21, he is now abusing his girlfriend who took over the job of taking him in. With the restraining order in place, she says she is not allowing contact with him. I pray that & tell her to run like hell if he ever comes around her again. Maybe I should take my own advice!
Dear Sabrina,
I think the hardest part with my adult son C was that I know he is NOT a psychopath….he is not mean, doesn’t try to hurt others, but is able to excuse himself for doing things he knows he should not. Not robbing banks, or scamming money from others, he has a job and is a great employee, hard working, dedicated, etc. but he has an “addiction” to computer games that he is not willing to give up or even see as a problem. I used to think that his financial problems were his P-wife’s “fault,” but I realize now that she was only PART OF THE PROBLEM. Like any “addiction” if you spend most of your money on it and do not save any at all, whether it is buying clothes, or alcohol, or drugs, or gambling, or music or movies, if you spend more on it than you can reasonably afford so that you end up not having money for essentials like rent, car repairs, food, etc. you are obviously not managing your money very well. Not managing your money well because you spend on NON-essentials so that essentials are not planned for is not an adult or reasonable choice.
He isn’t alone, I know lots of people who have a $30,000 bass boat but do not have medical insurance for themselves or their children because they “can’t afford it.” So my son is not alone in his “addiction” or poor financial planning. BUT, the point is that by staying at my house (even paying 1/2 of his take home for room and board) he could get ahead in his finances, build up a comfortable “nest egg” to have for emergencies. That was part of the deal that he would save 1/3 of his money. Actually, he had plenty of opportunity to do that, but chose instead to secretly buy more, bigger and faster computers on which to play his video games with. Then, when I found out, he LIED. It didn’t hurt me or my financial situation to let him live with me, it benefited HIM with an opportunity that he obviously did not take advantage of….and….the lie was a “deal breaker” and he knew it when he did it. I am quite sure he was at least sorry he got caught in his impulsive buying for his “addiction” but his knee jerk response to lie to me about it, when I confronted the lie, then he tried to project blame for it onto me. Not swallowing that either. It hurt. DAMN it, it hurt a LOT that he is hung up on his games and values them more than he does his brother (who was equally as hurt as I was) and more than he values his relationship with me. He is assuring himself a life of poverty and irresponsibility but that is HIS CHOICE, not mine. It doesn’t matter if it is drugs, gambling, drinking, or video games, he is hooked on the “escape” from real life that he gets from them, and willing to “invest” any money he can legally lay his hands on in order to “get high”—but, not thinking about the fact he now has no saved money, and can’t save money now as it will take everything he has to live each month, to month, and when his very old and well worn, high mileage vehicle craps out soon, which I expect it will, then he won’t even have a down payment to make on another one. Her will no longer have a garage, access to tools and a brother to help him fix his truck for minor repairs which he will now have to pay retail to a mechanic to have fixed…so he gave up more than the respect and assistance of his brother and me, and gave it up permanently because of the lie. He no longer has a “fall back” position, or any friends that are in a position to help him if he gets himself into a bad financial position, loses his job, gets in bad financial situation due to anything that goes wrong in his life whether it is his “fault” or just “bad luck.”
I realize in the past I have “bailed him out” when I should not have done so…and I think the parents of many Addicted adult children have done. I haven’t had to bail him out of prison or anything like that, but I have let him move home when he got into a very predictable financial bind in the past…but I can see that he has NOT learned anything by me Attempting to “help” him, so it is up to him to have the consequences of his bad (in my opinion) choices.
I think we just have to accept that P or not P, our kids are adults (or trying to be) and that their decisions are theirs and the consequences of their decisions are theirs, not ours. I can see a “second chance” in some cases, but that is not the situation with my sons, the P or the Not P biological sons, they have had more than one “second chance” and I am all out of “chances” for them to change. It is up to them.
(((Hugs)))) and my prayers for us all. Love Oxy