Those of us who have been psychologically abused by sociopaths—whether we’re male or female, and whether the abuser is male or female—know that the abuse should be criminal. It appears that in France, it just may happen.
A Lovefraud reader sent me a link to an interesting story in Time Magazine. Legislators from France’s ruling party are expected to introduce a bill that would outlaw “conjugal abuse of a psychological nature” in both married and unmarried relationships.
According to Time,
The legislation seeks to target the verbal and mental denigration, humiliation and manipulation that typically lead to physical abuse. The hope is that the bill will help prevent the emotional wounds that words often cause before a punch is ever thrown.
I hope the law gets passed. I hope it works. We’ll have to see what happens.
Read the article on Time.com:
Erin,
I googled and found another program that the National Guard offers for at risk kids that is free. 22 weeks. It is for kids that will not graduate or drop outs. But again they have to be willing to WANT to turn their life around.
I did not find any information on my first try, about the 7 month program that the school counselor was promoting to my son. But maybe you could call a National Guard office and find out about it or call your sons school and see if they know about it?
Dear EB,
The problem with your son (and mine) I think is that there is no therapy that will “work” because they do not see anyone else’s opinions as important or valid.
Why should they (the disordered ones) take the word of some jerk therapist because, after all THEY are the smartest ones, and those rules don’t apply to THEM.
My P son had plenty of therapy, and learned the “cant” of it, can come on like a licensed therapist to others in giving them advice, he can come on like a minister and give all kinds of Christian advice, quote scripture as well or better than Satan himself, but he does NOT believe a word of the “therapy” or the “Christian Counseling” it is a manipulation tool. When the family (including my egg donor, who was sending him money but not letters) was not corresponding with him that first year, he wrote letters to everyone except me (he knew he was wasting his time and stamps with me at least) telling them how UN-Christian everyone in the family was being because they wouldn’t give him “UN-conditional” love. LOL ROTFLMAO
He wrote a 10 page hand written letter on this track to a minister friend of his and out family’s (the minister sent me a copy of it, as well as his own reply) and wrote letters to everyone in his address book telling them how he had been “abandoned” by his family. LOL Telling them to call my egg donor and plead his case.
There is some research that seems to point to the direction of making disordered people “worse” with therapy in that they can learn the “cant” and user it against others and better manipulate others with “kind sweet and caring” words that SOUND good but are in fact, just more and better bait for the victim.
At the point your son is (almost 18) I think you have probably pretty much got what you are going to get out of him. If he is a psychopath he is not going to change, and if he is not a psychopath, he will learn by his own mistakes when he is pushed out of the house into the real world. It might make YOU feel better to get him some therapy, but I don’t think it is worth the money unless money is not a problem for you.
I was a pretty defiant teenager against my egg donor, (can you IMAGINE THAT!) and when I got out from under her thumb I did a lot of things she had told me would immediately send me to hell or get me lightening struck at the least. I drank alcohol and smoked Cigarettes (she did both but secretly and I knew it) and I actually went out DANCING, and I stayed out late and did all kinds of “bad” things. But a year or so of being a “bad girl” (by her standards) and supporting myself, working, taking responsibility for paying my bills, getting up in the morning to go to work, I settled down and realized that I wasn’t going to hell for a glass of wine, but I didn’t like the head ache drinking whiskey or too much wine would give me the next morning, and staying up too late made me sleepy the next day. I learned from my mistakes and have been a pretty “honorable” and “moderate” person where “bad habits” are concerned.
I learned to manage my own money, row my own boat, and take the consequences of my own bad judgment or poor choices….in finances, etc. I wanted to be a good parent when my kids arrived and I did my best to do so, however, unfortunately, once my kids got into the teenaged stage, I think I enabled them too much even though, at the time, I thought I was doing “tough love.”
One of my biological sons is a psychopath, there was nothing I did for him or could have done for him that would have changed the decisions he made. My sending him commissary money and corresponding with him, and dreaming a fantasy that he would get out and come home and everything would be lovely was about like an “internet romance” he could “be” anything I wanted him to be and he mirrored my fantasy back to me PERFECTLY.
With my other son C, he’s got some problems I realize now, with an “addiction” to something, in his case, video games, and this causes him financial difficulties….I gave him an opportunity to get out of financial difficulties and he only used that opportunity to “save up” money to spend for more video games.
So, there won’t be any more “assistance” offered by me, no matter what happens to him financially. My assistance, while I thought I was “helping” on a reasonable basis (he paid room and board while at my house) really only enabled him to continue financial irresponsibility and show that he was WILLING TO LIE ABOUT IT. “Typical addict behavior.” The thing is too, that I know he is hard working, good employee, and spending money he earned himself, but without any savings of any kind, he WILL get into financial difficulty again and NOT see any correlation to his spending thousands and thousands of dollars on computers and video games to being “broke.” He justifies spending it on his games as “he earned it.” Okay by me, but he gets the consequences from here on out. I have NO doubt that my son (though not a p and not abusive to others) is going to wind up poverty stricken, in a deep financial hole that he may not be able to dig himself out of. But no matter how deep, or how bad that hole is, me throwing him a rope will only help him until he forgets how deep the hole is, forgets who threw him the rope, and deliberately jumps back down into the hole again.
There are people who are NOT Ps that don’t learn from self destructive behavior, and I think my son C is one of those. It’s a shame he has chosen this path, but it isn’t something I can fix. I love him and wish him well, but don’t have a lot of confidence he will learn from his poor financial decisions in supporting his addiction. Unfortunately, these poor financial decisions will preclude him from having a wife or girlfriend who is “worth her salt” and my guess is if he gets involved with another woman she will be as “bad or worse” than the first wife who was a psychopath looking for a meal ticket.
Erin,
It is called the Challenge Program. It sounds really good. It focuses on education and a whole lot more. For at risk kids. 22 weeks and then they have a mentor for a year after the program.
And if you live where I think you live (if I remember correctly), there is a challenge program in your state. But I might be mistaken on where I think you live. But even if I am mistaken I think you can take them to another state for the program.
Erin, For what is it worth, I tend to agree with Oxy. At this age, Good luck sending him anywhere , even voluntarily. Before my son’s court ordered boot camp, & Family connection (home for troubled adolescents)- I tried some therapy with my son’s agreement. After the first meeting- my son declared that this therapist was an idiot, and he begun dissecting this doctors comments,habits, and life.
I calmly listened to his outlandish conclusions that he had made in a one hour session, but reasoned with him that he (my son) owed it to himself to at least try a few other sessions, then if it didnt work out we could perhaps try another therapist that might be a better fit. My son agrees. Next visit, we get in the car, driving 30 plus miles to get there. He declares as we arrive he will NOT go in, its a waste of his time with this moron that ‘needs’ therapy himself. What makes this guy an expert??Degrees mean nothing,and WHO fixes this guys f**** up problems??
Point is, they change on a dime, cant be trusted to follow through on anything, and do so in such an antagonistic manner, they won’t learn anything from it. “THEY” know it all.
Ultimately, Erin you have to make the decision based on your experience with him. Might could try some free or nearly free programs to test the waters if you feel compelled to.
From what Midlife said about the forums-
I wonder if those guys running it might be a group of N/p themselves (preventing that lady from taking meds, humiliation tactics,, All about self mentality, agressive,hard sell , etc.) sounds like they might be crossing quite a few boundaries. Sounds cult-ish to me.
ErinBrock,
You know there is “wishful thinking”, there is denial, and there is reality. I think as mothers we have to go through all of the above. And in my humble opinion I think we have to come to conclusions very, carefully with teenagers.
Because teenagers as a rule can be difficult. Teenagers that are defiant and oppositional can be VERY difficult. Add alot of pent up anger to that teenager…..Now we are talking very, very difficult.
For me I had to try and de-personalize what was happeneing here. And look at only him. Take MY feelings and pain completely out of the picture. Really take a STEP BACK and look, at what I saw.
If your son has ANY willingness to seek some (any) kind of help, to broaden his horizons, to change his way of thinking, to EVEN “entertain” the idea that he doesn’t have ALL the answers….Than that is a GOOD thing.
It means he might still have the ABILITY to learn and absorb, and more importantly GROW. Maybe he can’t learn what he needs to learn from you. Maybe he is CLOSED off to that for whatever reason. But if he is open and willing to go elsewhere…..
I think as a parent you have to exahaust every single avenue you can possibly think of. Once you do that there isn’t much more you can do. Except enable them. And I believe that is the worst thing you can do for them.
If he is willing and would go voluntarily, and does FOLLOW through with it…..That is the question?
My son wouldn’t even CONSIDER a program. Because he doesn’t have a problem. Every one ELSE has the problem.
If your son doesn’t have this attitude or resistance, then there is hope.
Only you know this for sure….you can lead the horse to water but you can’t make them drink.
I think that is the job ulitimately of a parent. You can LEAD them in the right direction, but it is their choice. you can’t do it for them.
one_step_at_a_time says:
Trophy ”“ that’s really interesting, what do you mean by that ?
Hi, One Step,
I meant to say I take a multi-pronged approach to issues like this one, from the physical to the metaphysical.
You can read more on negative entities here: “Remarkable Healings: A Psychiatrist Discovers Unsuspected Roots of Mental and Physical Illness,” by Shakuntala Modi.
Do a search on “spirit releasement” and you’ll find some resources.
Now, I’m not saying that releasing a negative entity from the body’s electromagnetic field is enough. People will likely still need therapy. They will still need to learn how to change their thinking so they don’t continue making the same mistakes.
They will have to learn what attracted an entity to them in the first place so they won’t just get a new one.
And whoever works with them has to release them into the Light, not just order them out where they sit around waiting for you to turn your back…and jump back in.
I know this sounds strange to a lot of people. But think about it — it wasn’t that long ago that it sounded strange to think people are out there who don’t marry for love, who will smile at you while stabbing you in the back. No one wants to believe that, either.
Anyway, I use Reiki and combine it with some other modalities. I’ve seen real changes when I’ve worked with Reiki at a distance. In one case, the atmosphere at a friend’s workplace completely shifted — people who were normally difficult seemed to calm down.
And my own children stopped arguing and began to get along much better.
I just do what works. I don’t care to develop some rigid ideology around it.
Witsend, Well more has hit the fan with my son. I posted that after he was released from jail for DV (3 weeks, b/c I refused to bond him out), He began stalking her last nite despite the protection order she has against him. She just let me know that she had to have him arrested again. He knocked on her window for 40 min before she got home (eye witness report), and followed her when she tried to leave to get away.
This, along with ANOTHER warrant issued against him for a deluted alcohol/drug test , violating his probation will assure that he will be having pretty much permanent residence at County Jail, anywhere U.S.A.
I dont even feel much of anything anymore, just sick..sick..sick..
Sabrina,
It is a really good thing that she had the protection order and that she followed through with it. God knows what might have happened if she let him in. He might have been going to jail for more than violating probation, if he really hurt her.
This is going to be alot to process for you and I am sorry for what you have to go through. Please do not be a stranger here….Come and vent whenever you need to.
God help us all.
xxxxxx
The below article is the WHOLE reason and reminder WHY if we are abused or threated we MUST follow through with the restraining order and plan a successful exit strategy…..
THEY WON”T CHANGE…
1day after arriving back to ‘reconcile’ this her abusive husband…..
This woman is NOW dead…..and her 7 year old daughter is missing!
It didn’t have to be this way! IT DIDN”T!!!
Sabrina….I’m sooo very sorry your going through these emotions and turmoil with your son. BUT….I am so very proud of you and the exgf, whom you have supported to be able to follow through in light of all that goes along with following through, setting boundaries and doing the ‘right’ thing…..no matter how hard it is.
I trust this is a situation the young woman will learn from and heal from successfully and continue on down the path of life with this behind her. Deciding what boundaries she will and will not accept in her future relationships. She still has her whole life ahead of her….THANK GOD she is safe!
There will be good lessons that comes from it for her.
Tonya Hobbs held out ‘hope’, in light of DV, for whatever reason and is now DEAD!
NEWS ARTICLE:
Comanche County prosecutors charged Hobbs with first-degree murder and kidnapping in the killing of Tonya Hobbs and disappearance of her daughter, Aja Daniell Johnson.
Tonya Hobbs’ body was discovered Sunday inside Lester Hobbs’ motor home in Geronimo, a small town about 100 miles southwest of Oklahoma City
In August, Tonya Hobbs sought a protective order against Lester Hobbs, writing in a petition that he threatened her daughters and vowed to kill her if she ever left him.
“My husband has threatened to hit my daughters in the head with a hammer and kill them,” she wrote.
An emergency protective order was granted, but the case was dismissed two weeks later when both Tonya Hobbs and her husband failed to appear in court, records show.
Tonya Hobbs traveled with her two daughters to Geronimo on Saturday in an attempt to reconcile the relationship with Lester Hobbs.
Ladies….
Thank you all for your input on the seminar.
I’m thinking to forego it…..
BUT….Wits….THANK YOU FOR YOU NATIONAL GUARD INFO.
I was totally unaware of this program.
I’m going to look further into it……maybe as a plan B…..if he indeed doesn’t graduate.
There is a program that starts in July in my area….(kinda)…..sign ups by end of May…..and by then….we will know the reality of graduation and he’ll be forced to make some decisions ‘on his own’…..AND IT”S FREE!!!
He does well with ROTC (a military program in the schools), this has been his only follow through the last 4 years…
I’m going to talk to his Colonal about the program in confidence to see his input.
I so appreciate sharing all of your thoughts and personal experiences from your lives in re: to my son….I really work well with different viewpoints and experiences…..outside of my own and from moms who have ‘been’ there…..
Thank you all…moms with hearts!
XXOO
EB