Those of us who have been psychologically abused by sociopaths—whether we’re male or female, and whether the abuser is male or female—know that the abuse should be criminal. It appears that in France, it just may happen.
A Lovefraud reader sent me a link to an interesting story in Time Magazine. Legislators from France’s ruling party are expected to introduce a bill that would outlaw “conjugal abuse of a psychological nature” in both married and unmarried relationships.
According to Time,
The legislation seeks to target the verbal and mental denigration, humiliation and manipulation that typically lead to physical abuse. The hope is that the bill will help prevent the emotional wounds that words often cause before a punch is ever thrown.
I hope the law gets passed. I hope it works. We’ll have to see what happens.
Read the article on Time.com:
Nicolaid –
The handful of men I have had relationships in my life have all presented themselves in a respectful, caring, giving, attentive and reasonable manner.
For the most part nearly all of them carried those traits through to the end of the relationship.
My relationship with my x-S was different. After about 3-5 months into it…he changed…while I remained the same with all of my attributes toward the relationship. I simply didnt have the tools (self-esteem, self-actualization) to deal with a S in my life. NOW I DO. At one point I think I took on the challenge of “solving the mystery of who he became/and why he was so different from the beginning of our relationship”. Mission accomplished…he simply became who he really is and he became so different because his mask fell off. I didnt sign up for that deal. And I certainly would never have been attracted to the real him. The way I was attracted to the other real men in my life who just werent right for me either — but just due to timing and place we were in our lives.
There is no dealing with a S for me now…only deal breakers. Done. Goodbye S.
Hi sabrina,
I’ve been thinking about your comment.
Personality traits are not bad or good per se, in my opinion. It depends on the context. And if you are unable to appraise realistically your social environnement, those qualities you deem most valuable and prosocial will only create evil.
Nurturing seems like a quality. But nurturing a psychopath may have dire consequences, and not only for you.
You may be very dutiful, a patriot, someone who has a strong respect for authority. Those personality traits may be considered as qualities in many circumstances. But if you are a soldier and if your officer orders you to shoot a 5 year old kid in cold blood ”“ like those soldiers at My Lai – those very traits may lead you to rationalize those murders as something inevitable or even permissible : « I obeyed the orders. I am a good person. I protected my family ». Sure you did.
You may be proud to be a pillar of the community. But if you fail to recognize that a psychopath has reached the top of the community, you may well become a righteous pillar of the final solution.
The frontier between being « trustworthy » – a quality – and being « gullible » or « tolerant to unethical behavior » is a thin one.
Being committed seems like a quality. But if you are committed to a psychopath, people other than yourself are going to suffer, people who haven’t made the mistake to compromise themselves with such an individual. People who will pay for your lack of judgement or your wobbly ethical standards when it comes to romantic relationship.
Many female partners of psychopathic serial killers helped their lover abduct victims simply by being there in the car, the innocent, reassuring feminine presence. Many of these women were simply nurturing and committed to someone they loved.
Uncompromising individuals are often difficult to live with.
But being uncompromising about outdated conventions or on the ethical standards of your workplace is not exactly the same.
Sometimes you’ve got to be sharp, tough, decisive and uncompromising. Sometimes you’ve got to be able to rebel. Feeling empathy or even tolerance for the psychopath is showing callous disregard for those who are on the receiving end.
Nicolaid – I think you are forgetting it was US on the receiving end – sure some people had children to consider, but for me I was the ONLY one getting damaged.
I think because you haven’t had the experience yourself romantically you still seem to think cold rational logic is the way out – let me tell you – rational logic is not possible after years of being twisted by a psychopath – you can’t even think for yourself – it is impossible. It is only when you start to detach that some thinking for yourself is possible – and even then there is great resistance to it mentally and emotionally as thinking ‘selfishly’ seems like a betrayal to HIM you are that brainwashed.
Please be careful with your reponses here – I am feeling triggered and frustrated by your intellectual analysis when you have no practical experience of the emotional maelstrom that exists in these relationships. We are very wounded after these relationships and the last thing we need is someone pointing out all the ‘mistakes’ we made or the stupid ways we threw away our good qualities at the psychopath who used them against us. We know.
We were dumb enough to fall for them and the knowledge we were duped is extremely painful to all of us in addition to the grief process that the end of these extremely complex relationships brings. We don’t need lecturing or an analysis of where we went wrong in our thinking or our morality. We well know what we did wrong. But no matter what we did wrong, we did not deserve what happened to us – nobody does.
As to the example of female partners of serial killers … how do you know what their internal thinking was for being in the car to welcome the victim? You read what they told the Police? How do you know that’s really what they were doing? You can’t take a few examples from isolated cases and generalise it to all partners of psychopaths.
Yes I loved the man I was with – I did lots for him because I loved him and wanted to support him – that’s what people who love one another do. There is nothing inherently wrong with that. However if he had abducted someone you can bet your bottom dollar I would have been first to call the Police. Any form of overt physical violence would have been a no no for me. The psychopath corrupts commitment and nurturing but that doesn’t make those traits and actions wrong – it makes HIM wrong for being unable to accept it and reciprocate.
I disagree that nurture can be evil – it was simply used against us by the psychopath – that doesn’t make us flawed human beings. It makes us normal caring people – the psychopath is the one who is deeply flawed. And some traits ARE inherently evil – like the urge to hurt others – tell me a context or situation where that can possibly be a good trait. The psychopath IS evil – not a person with a skewed or off kilter morality – just an evil person who uses what is good in others to corrupt and ruin them. I don’t know why you seem so intent on blaming victims and targets – I just don’t get that at all.
If you want to really learn about victims and our experience of psychopaths then ask us some questions and read lots. Don’t assume you know – you have never walked in our shoes and don’t know the reality we have individually and collectively lived with. If you really want to see the positive and not so positive traits of the victims of psychopaths I suggest you read Women who Love Psychopaths by Sandra Brown – she outlines the ‘super traits’ as she calls them that make particular women very vulnerable to psychopaths – a very good read and very educative for me.
I apologise if my response to you seems harsh – I felt really triggered and upset reading the words you had written again putting the blame at the feet of the victim – yes there were red flags we should have seen early on but psychopaths are always able to make plausible excuses. They really are the most exceptionally manipulative people – unless you have been partnered with one, you cannot believe the reality of it – that someone wouldn’t just walk away very quickly. I used to say about women who got beaten “Well why don’t they just leave?” NOW I understand. NOW I understand – it is not that simple. Of course if it were that simple violent relationships would not succeed for a long time – they would end very quickly. And we know for a fact they don’t. Beaten women return on average eight times to their abuser before finally getting away for good. Life is shades of grey I now understand – not the black and white I thought it was before.
Nicolaid we welcome your input/view as long as it is not intended to put blame on the victims of psychopaths.
MidLife, I support your response completely. In fact my initial triggered response had to be deleted by me and I had to turn my computer off. I realized some people just dont get it unless they have been lured, conned, lied to, manipulated, smoothplayed, and frauded by another.
The good thing is that once youve crossed pathes with a S/P/N and youve been through that hell and back – and you do the work on realizing evil exists in the world and that some people view empathetic good decent caring souls merely as prey/victims to be used and abused and mentally manipulated — you come out of it better prepared to deal with a S/P/N. The goal is to bring awareness to others beforehand, before the god awful experience… Nicolaid you may be on to something if you shed more light on the Psychopath and “its” behaviors and M.O.’s in life in hunting its prey, rather than the victims – that its too late for.
LTL thankyou for that. Nicolaid I wrote a very angry response to you and had to go back and edit it. I am struggling with extreme feelings after this and naturally am very sensitive to people pointing out to me “Well you could have recognised it earlier and walked away” and “You must have contributed to it” People hate to think that someone is really innocent, but that’s the truth in this case.
It’s not nice to realise you have been duped and made a fool of. It complicates everything in life. The man I split up with is now ruining my reputation in a small city by spreading lots of lies about me to make himself look good – he blames me for the problems in the relationship and for the end of it and has moved onto be with another woman in record short time.
It is the most humiliating and damaging experience I have ever been through and it was humiliating the whole way through for many many years. Every action he took, every stupid hurtful thing he did was broadcast with his spin on it to his band of disciples who think he can do no wrong. I who did nothing wrong and nothing hurtful to him am left at the end of this looking like an absolute crazy bitch – and for what?
For loving him and giving my best effort to making things work, for trying to sort out problems as they arose and for trying to always do the right thing by him. It is the most horrible injustice = I can’t sleep or concentrate. My dreams are filled with images of the two of them lying in bed laughing about me.I can’t stop thinking about it. And what it has done to me.
I was a beautiful vibrant confident woman who could have taken on the world. I had hopes and dreams and plans for the future and he destroyed all of it. More than just destroying the actual plans, he has destroyed my ability to hope and trust. I will never ever be the same again. I am constantly on guard, mildly depressed and very stuck in the position I am in at the moment. I am afraid of everything and don’t see a bright future for myself.
So I am sorry if I was a bit harsh to you Nicolaid, but I just can’t bear it if someone who hasn’t been through this hell says to me “oh well – you should have done better / chosen better / got out earlier / kicked his ass into line / made him do ***/ got rid of him years ago” That is just too hurtful to hear from someone else even though I say it to myself all the time.
What I really want is revenge. I want to give him back some of what he did to me. I want him to suffer in every way possible, but they are very clever and cover their tracks. Everything I have thought of would either be a monumental legal battle that I would probably lose due to lack of witnesses, or would get me into trouble as well as the income was joint and partners are assumed to know what their other half is up to in the relationship. I am stuck and he gets to walk away after inflicting this mortal damage with no penalty and no punishment.
I have lost faith in society and the justice system. What is the point of laws when people can do this soul murder legally and the target can do nothing in return?
midlife: Your original post was direct, clear and responsible.
all best,
one step
Midlife –
I dont know if this will help. But after several years of going through every emotion, state of mind, concept, idea, frustration, defeat, triumph over my bad experience…
Today. This is my view. His penalty and punishment is truly his living life. He walks the earth as a shell of a human. Hollow and shallow on the inside. Masked on the outside. Never knowing or experiencing half of what are capable of.
Me, as a target, the one thing I could do, is the one thing I did – work hard on saving my spirit and my soul – educated myself – find myself again (but this time around even better – prepared with the tools I now need to cope with certain evils and dysfunctions in the world. Because Ill be damned if he gets me to throw in the towel on myself and take the one thing from me that he can never have in his own life – a beautiful spirit and soul – that can live honestly and openly – and trust again (by people who EARN IT) – and FEEL emotions – and BE REAL.
I can tell you one thing tho, they are not lying in bed laughing about you – they are caught up in the lies and deceit – she may even be doing all you did because she doesnt know now its for not – he is an empty robot walking the earth. Almost all relationships with a S go downhill with time – they just cant keep up a balance, a facade…. and ususally the women who STAY with an S have issues of self-esteem, self-respect, self-love as well as not someone that I aspire to be ever again.
One day you will be filled with images of what really goes on in the lives of Sociopathic/dysfunctional relationships and altho you wont be laughing at them in your dreams – I guarantee you will be relieved its NO LONGER YOU on the receiving end – because you know you deserve better.
You still are a beautiful vibrant confident woman who can take on the world. She is still in there — it took me years to begin to believe that about myself – after so much damage to my psyche – but its possible — the focus has to come full circle back to you – who you are – and what you want and deserve — cant rush that — can only work toward that each and every day.
When I think of him now – its with an understanding that he is who is and does what he does because thats who he is. Who am I and who do I want to be going forward???? I want nothing to do with him any woman who wants him can have him – I know her fate with him — a living hell.
Thankyou One Step. And thankyou LTL _ I needed reminding of that again. I know intellectually she is sucked in by the lies – I guess I am lonely and want that sense of someone caring about me and snuggling me close and telling me everything will be ok. I can’t let anyone in though – I am terrified of making the wrong decision again.
I know it will turn to crap and she will get what I got, but at the moment they will both be laughing – she knows me and doesn’t like me so this is a bond they can share to deepen their relationship. I don’t like her either so it makes it worse than if it was a s tranger. It’s almost like he’s picked her deliberately to annoy me although it’s much more than that – it’s the confidence, responsibility, vivaciousness and probably woundedness underneath. It feels like I was just replaced with someone similar but much younger – it’s a horrible feeling. The youth has a two pronged benefit – younger people are more naive and choosing her made me feel insecure about my age – nasty on both counts. Her situation may be even worse than mine if he has just selected her to annoy me knowing I never liked her. And yes he knew that. I feel like everything I ever said has been used against me.
Thanks for caring though. I do have times when I know he is a truly pathetic caricature, but tonight I had a nightmare about the two of them – him still living here and sneaking her into his bed under my nose. I tried to take pics with a camera for proof but the camera on my phone wouldn;t work. That’s the frustration about no witnesses and no proof. It’s very clear but now I can’t sleep at all in case I sleep through and will have a tough day at work on top of everything else. Hormones make me feel bad about it all – or maybe this is the true level and I just put on an act that I’m doing fine. It hasn’t been that long for me.
I know he’s a robot – I know it. And I don’t want snuggles with a fake person, but it feels like snuggles and trusting has been forever ruined. I will take your word for now that it comes back!
Thankyou thankyou for caring about me – I have felt really down about it all the last few days.
midlife – it is not that she has so many qualities that you feel you have lost or is younger, somewhere in your psyche you must know that the truth is: that she is, unfortunately, just a new source. she could be as different from you as day to night – if he sees source he will go for it.
i know you know this – that’s why you are here, and why i am here to nudge you and say, focus on finding your new, wiser beauty. you are different no doubt, as we all are….but YOU’VE GOT IT GIRL!
Midlife,
You take me back to a time and place I was in really not to long ago… I care for all of us who have to experience such pain and saddness. LF helped me through tremendously – prior to arriving here – I dont think I would have made it… it was just what I needed … to share…to listen…to educate myself…to cry…to be angry…to feel lonely and eventually feel connected again.
I can tell you from my experience that it does get better. Its a post, its a response, its something so off topic that made me laugh one lonely night…its being yourself again in the safety and comfort of others who understand and truly care… but… :))
For me. it was also working on what led me down my path of destruction..I chose not to only focus on being duped, and with a fraudulent being — I chose to delve into myself…basically all the events in my life that I had never really dealt with or realized had shaped me into the person I was (with flaws) and and the person I am now (still with flaws 🙂 – but with a much greater understanding and appreciation of myself and the choices others make that could effect me unless I protect care and love myself first and foremost.
It required me to stop looking/searching for that sense of “someone” else caring about me and telling me everything will be ok. For the first time I let in the one person I never thought of – myself. I began to care for and about myself and for the first time believed in and trusted myself that everything will be ok. HARD WORK FOR ME. I ended up relying on myself and LIKING IT – more and more each day… And if others want to care about me and want me to snuggle and share their goodness with me – its a welcome addition but not a need now.
You are right where you need to be for yourself — to learn and grow and heal and acknowledge and feel what you going through –there are so many phases and stages of recovering from a dysfunctional relationship. Eventually we come to place of not giving a rats arse what these monsters are up to/ or who they are with…we just seem to find comfort in knowing we dont need to have the burden of proof on our shoulders we know the truth.
RE: Youth vs Maturity….. she is a prime candidate for prey…she is going to have it ten times worse than you!!!! Personally I now will chose maturity over youth. Hands down.
Try to focus on yourself…try to fall asleep remember the parts of you PRE HIM that you enjoyed about yourself…anything to get your mind off the loser and his newest victim. And most of all – do something special for yourself today. Last year I made a deal here with someone (I think Kindheart 🙂 that she share here each day what she did special for herself…to jumpstart the most difficult process of all – regaining our sense of self back (self-worth, self-trust, self-love, self-awareness) – there is no better way to get through this – reclaiming YOU again. You are special and so much more than the mind twisting game playing thought degrading place they led us too. We dont have to follow. We have a choice!!!!!! A life saving, life changing and improving choice!
We can lead our own way again. Feel better… and if you would like to, please share tonight – what you did special for yourself today! xoxo