Those of us who have been psychologically abused by sociopaths—whether we’re male or female, and whether the abuser is male or female—know that the abuse should be criminal. It appears that in France, it just may happen.
A Lovefraud reader sent me a link to an interesting story in Time Magazine. Legislators from France’s ruling party are expected to introduce a bill that would outlaw “conjugal abuse of a psychological nature” in both married and unmarried relationships.
According to Time,
The legislation seeks to target the verbal and mental denigration, humiliation and manipulation that typically lead to physical abuse. The hope is that the bill will help prevent the emotional wounds that words often cause before a punch is ever thrown.
I hope the law gets passed. I hope it works. We’ll have to see what happens.
Read the article on Time.com:
Mike –
Thank you!
I must admit I was up very very late last night and am functioning on my reserve! Collecting my thoughts and preparing them for you in any organized fashion is going to be challenging – so I hope you can follow my comments – they do jump around from topic to topic – but they are just thoughts that came to my mind after reading your above post.
My sister and I grew up together , same circumstances (altho my sister was my mothers more favorite one to subject to more emotional abuse/torture than myself) so that may be a factor in how different we are today. And I do think genetically individuals and siblings are going to be uniquely different and who they are and how they react/respond shut-down/ open- up /dare to dream or live in a shell…is highly individualized and personality-trait based.
My sister was the child that dreamed of Disneyland w/the family- I was the child that dared to accept the reality Mom was a lost soul forever–
WE WERE BOTH LATER TARGETED BY A PSYCHOPATH – OR CHOSE TO STAY IN A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP. So whether one wears their heart on their sleeve or one shuts down – they both are still at risk as adults because they both are unhealthy choices – because the guidance, love, nurturing, educating, self-valuing, self-trust etc is not taught, nor learned.
Simply survival is the life focus of the child.
To give you a different perspective… some psychopaths really DO take advantage of ones who no longer dare to dream and who have lost all hope (from a bad marriage to being lonely to losing a job, etc) they prey on vulnerabilties in all sorts of ways. Not just with the ones who wear their hearts on their sleeves.
And in my opinion, the child who shuts down, gives up hope, hardens, and closes down emotionally– becomes at great risk for turning into a psychopath himself/herself.
I dont think theres anything wrong with wearing your heart on your sleeve when youre in a healthy relationship – with a mutually healthy and productive partner is a beautiful attribute in a healthy relationship- However, wearing your heart on your sleeve WITHOUT firm boundaries about how to be treated, respected, spoken to – puts an adult child at increased risk for being a victim of a psychopath.
What I do think is a gift – is the ability and willingness to find the positive traits and negative traits of both individuals. And learning and growing from that.
Mike, please tell Mary that it is my opinion there is something undeniably special about “there being an openness and childlike innocence and ’dreams for a better tomorrow’ that can never be lost in some individuals no matter how old they are or what they have gone through” –
What isnt good or healthy in my opinion is LIVING IN DENIAL OR IN A FANTASY WORLD about whats really going on in a romantic relationship with a toxic person. Living in reality is something that was hard for me to grasp with my toxic ex.
And isnt it interesting that so many of us here at LF have said time and time again… its like the psychopaths emotional growth is stunted. Its like we are dealing with a teenager or a spoiled child. The games, the pushing boundaries, the me, me, me attitude” its like my ex was a grown man on the outside and a troubled stagnant little boy in the inside. emotionally underdeveloped. (“EU”).. is there one of those in any of the books 🙂 just kidding too..but there is a common thread amongst alot of us here dealing with a personal relationship with a toxic person where it seems they never matured or willingly took on the responsibilities of adulthood.
I dont think it was my gift of openness that nearly killed me… it was my lack of self-actualization and lack of boundaries and lack of self-worth and lack of self–value that nearly killed me. Had I been in tune with all of the above, I would have left the relationship at the first red flag of his mask falling off — instead of choosing to stay and become an enabler of his unhealthy ways and that of my own.
I never knew what it was that got me to turn a corner -and build a better future and see a brighter tomorrow for myself and my children – but Id like to now think it was the “third factor” 🙂
The greatest difference between us and them is our developmental potential — our willingness to take responsibility, own our mistakes, and others and learn and grow from them. To protect ourselves by trusting our instincts and letting that inner child go or grow up to be the person weve always wanted to be and have the relationships with likeminded individuals. Its our saving grace in our battle against them.
And yes, Mike I believe the “child” in me needed to grow and mature and take some responsibility for my choices too! I just needed to learn how!
Thanks again Mike!
Rebuilding community is another of my obsessions. My father was raised in a kibbutz, many folks were still traumatized by the holocaust and had many issues. Kids were raised by everyone, and everyone raised the kids. so the burden of the child didn’t fall on just the parents alone or in many cases ‘just one parent’. They came out well adjusted because what the kids couldn’t get somewhere they got somewhere else.
So a bunch of very broken people were able to pump out a bunch of well adjusted kids because they ALL did it together. there were checks and balances, if someone was working someone else was always around. if someone was too tired to give a hug someone else was around to dish it out. Community.
We feel we need to bring back community. Like Mary says the kids are there many times for before care and then the school day and then aftercare, so essentially regardless of what our responsibilities are on paper we are still raising those kids too. They’re our kids and whatever they don’t get at home we have to dish out whenever we can. Somehow between textbooks and standardized tests she told me to make sure i show them I care about them. That little things mean alot.
We want to move in that direction where we build a community, there’s a book called Families by Choice, Creating Family in a World of Strangers by Susan Ahern and Dr. Kent G. BAiley and Creating a Life Together Pratical Tools to Grow Ecovillages and Intentional Communities by Diana Leafe Christian
We feel that this way we can go into a direction where we go back to being a community and bring back the ‘village raising the children’ back to life. so the burden of the child’s well being and future is on everyone. there can always be someone else compensating in areas where two people or more likely these days just one person can’t possibly live up to.
Also there can always be someone else to witness and safeguard against predators. psychopaths can’t single anyone out if there is a whole community watching.
Read the speech and see how the Swedes did it. Denmark and Sweden and others who have done drastic changes has the lowest rates of psychopathy.
Check out John Taylor Gatto’s speech here: http://www.home-ed.vic.edu.au/2002/02/26/john-gatto-teacher-of-the-year-acceptance-speech/
Kathy- I posted my “book” over you. Im going to read your post now.
I almost wrote earlier today :
It takes a village to raise a child….
It takes a LF community to continue to raise the adult “children” who didnt get to be a part of the village along the way…
I totally agree about raising children in community. I can’t write now because I have to go cook dinner. But I just remember how isolated my family was, and how some many dysfunctional beliefs and behaviors flourish in this kind of hothouse/pressurecooker environment.
I’ve read about more tribal cultures, where childcaring was shared and the children had many places to go, as well as an environment that was generally safe, because everyone knew everyone. And it always sounded like a kind of heaven to me.
I’m trying now to support communal housing groups, because I remember what it was like to live in Spain, where the villages were tightly built, with lots of open space around them. They were communities, in a way that I’ve never seen in the states. The closest I’ve seen is some church groups that build multi-faceted community outreach and support systems for their members.
Mike wrote that children are resilient and heal faster than adults. That is true, if they get a chance to heal. The problem is giving them that chance. And hopefully, before they join that group that gives up. Because in my mind, that’s where the anti-social behavior starts. Temple Grandin writes about the concept of panic, the feeling that access to a necessary resource has been cut off. The other side of panic is, I think, the kind of distrust and despair that, at the far end of the spectrum, becomes the pathological self-reliance of sociopathy.
I’m babbling. Off to the kitchen.
Good night all.
Kathy
I must get some shuteye or I will make absolutely no sense at all!! LOL
Goodnight everyone. For those “in the snow” its a beautiful sight sparkly sight tonight! Enjoy and be safe!
I just read Kathys post about panic.
The kids that give up….
The opposite side of the spectrum – and what results.
Ive always believed that to be true with my ex. Certainly not ALL – but some are from a direct result of having a different kind of stunted inner child – with no interest in changing and growing and learning trusting etc. within them -sociopathy is sure to continue to be born again. Perhaps genetically environmentally and or both.
Oh my now I just read Hens post…. HOW IN tHE WORLD DO YOU MANAGE TO SUM UP WHAT I WAS TRYING TO SAY IN SIX SENTENCES…. can you be my interpreter here! Im jealous you can do that ! Six lines…count em…everything so simply spoken in six lines…. my hero!! LOL
Dont tell me the trick is to type with your feet either! xoxoxoxo G’NIGHT
Witsend thank you for your post. Sometimes we can’t get away from genetics, no matter what we do. In our case we’ve been told autism would be a certainty. And that isn’t easy in some cases as for a few folks the lines between autism and some form of sociopathy gets thin and blurred if not positively supported enough. Not really in the lying, manipulation range but in the aggressions and anxieties arena i think. Some aspie’s i’ve seen can with their anxieties and issues if left ignored seemingly go in another direction altogether looking like something unrecognizable. not really classic psychopathy but something sort of dangerous still.
We’ve done something called Floortime, it’s explained in the book called Engaging Autism, by Stanley Greenspan which i feel can also work with kids who are at risk for sociopathy as well if intervened early enough.
Awareness is the key here which the mainstream hasn’t even gotten around to it yet in regards to at risk kids. Can’t really do much early intervention when folks aren’t even addressing an issue until adolescence huh?
The success we’ve been seeing with autism is hitting it very young, aggressively engaging the child positively very early on. But that is not happening with kids genetically at risk for sociopathic disorders. it’s an ignored issue. it’s not even something you can manage alone, i don’t think. we have a whole team of therapists and family members and support staff doing it. So many parents and parent groups are aggresively doing it. the kids may still be autistic but in a more positive and manageble outcome.
I don’t know an autistic kid here who isn’t receiving some form of early intervention, an individualized educational plan, or senory integration measures that transforms some kids considerably.
We really feel that at risk kids can be intervened early on, if there were enough resources and other folks don’t delay the process by saying they’ll grow out of it and by then it may be too late.
that’s why this whole awareness thing is so important as a society, because if early intervention can reform the face of autism i truly feel it can be productive in rewiring other at risk cases.
Just like traditional forms of parenting won’t emerge a child out of autism. I don’t think traditional forms of parenting and education will be so effective in other forms of at risk children. it’s a society effort to start recognizing issues and risks early on and treating it. i feel we must intervene with a rewiring or realigning of genetic framework into a more favorable outcome even if the genetics are still there.
not that every child of a sociopath will have the genetics involved but that early intervention can’t hurt. it will only be more positve for the child in other areas.
The DIR Floortime model is explained as:
The Developmental, Individual Difference, Relationship-based (DIR®/Floortimeâ„¢) Model is a developmental and interdisciplinary framework that helps clinicians, parents and educators conduct a comprehensive assessment and develop an intervention program tailored to the unique challenges and strengths of children with Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) and other developmental challenges. The objectives of the DIR®/Floortimeâ„¢ Model are to build healthy foundations for social, emotional, and intellectual capacities rather than focusing on skills and isolated behaviors…”
http://www.icdl.com/DIRFloortime.shtml
My parents did the SonRise Program with me which helped consideraly to pull me out and it was a based alot on the same concept. engaging and creating that social foundation. Some parents do it even with their non autistic non developmental disabled kids with great outcomes.
That’s why i feel the outcome is a lot more positive today than it was years ago.
But awareness and intervention is critical for at risk kids and that just isn’t happening. as a society our investment in our children is so poor. parents needs the skills, the means and the support to properly assist their children.
We did attachment parenting too and had to wear my kid all over wrapped to our chests instead of being in a stroller, and co-slept for three years. it was so hard!! but we got used to it. she is still considered severely autistic but more responsive and interactive than ever expected.
some parents of autistic kids want the autism to completely disapear, those kind of expectations can lead to a huge pitfall into disapointment if it doesn’t quite pan out. All we can do is try our best with what we can do.
Mike
Did you guys know they made a movie about Temple Grandlin? It will be on cable TV (which I don’t have) but would love to see it as she is one of my heros. Her insightful knowledge BECAUSE of her autism has revolutionized livestock handling equipment. In fact, she made a “squeeze chute” that she can get inside and use a handle to “squeeze” herself to calm her anxiety. How COOL is that.
When I had my babies, we swaddled them in caccoon type wrappings as many Native American tribes did, and it seemed to calm them as they adjusted to being outside the tight confines of the woom into the world. In many cultures babies are tied to the mother’s back for many months and generally sleeps with the parents, and are breast fed up to 4 years of age. Our culture puts the baby to bed ALONE at a time when I think the children need the comfort of warmth and closeness of another body.
I think we focus now on the “sexual aspect” of “sleeping together” where when I was growing up in the South, it was common practice for children to sleep with parents, or at least in the same room, or siblngs to sleep together in the same bed. In colonial times at inns, even strangers of the same sex slept in a bed together.
I’m not so sure that our current practices are all that great. Yea, I know about Michael Jackson “sleeping” with children, and that’s not what I am talking about.