Those of us who have been psychologically abused by sociopaths—whether we’re male or female, and whether the abuser is male or female—know that the abuse should be criminal. It appears that in France, it just may happen.
A Lovefraud reader sent me a link to an interesting story in Time Magazine. Legislators from France’s ruling party are expected to introduce a bill that would outlaw “conjugal abuse of a psychological nature” in both married and unmarried relationships.
According to Time,
The legislation seeks to target the verbal and mental denigration, humiliation and manipulation that typically lead to physical abuse. The hope is that the bill will help prevent the emotional wounds that words often cause before a punch is ever thrown.
I hope the law gets passed. I hope it works. We’ll have to see what happens.
Read the article on Time.com:
Good Morning Kathy – I have also reported the post.
best,
one step
I wanted to share my current situation with you guys as it is relates to this article- BUT I NEED some advice here PLEASE, if any of you have been where I’m at-
Some of you here may know that after my 3 yr old relationship/marriage to an abusive N/P,which included protection orders, charges for DV against him, etc. I had to face that my 21 yr old son is also an abusive S.
He has been in jail for almost 3 wks awaiting court for DV toward his girlfriend of 19. The court is today.
I have been talking with his gf whose parents live out of the country and dont know anything about the sustained abuse she has dealt with for about a yr. now. I have begged her to tell them what she has now shared with me, and allow them to help her. She wont even allow me to contact them on her behalf (I have no way of reaching them.)
So I am trying to counsel her in the best LF kind of way- stressing NO contact,,and have given her this site to help her heal. Even tho I am the predators mother,(its hard to even type the words) I tell her NO different than I would tell a beloved friend ( and I do love her very much) and that is to protect herself #1 , and my advice is to take this to the FULLEST extent of the law. My burden for her is tremendous, aside from the burden of knowing my son’s fate (of being a P, without conscience)
She recently broke my heart when she said she may drop the charges (shes in a major trauma bond, and I’ve discussed this with her, along with other symptoms of abuse).
I pleaded with her to get protection order although warning her that unfortunately this WILL only set up a paper trail,with minimal safety for her-
BUT it IS NEEDED as he won’t leave her alone- and she admittedly “can’t say no to getting back with him” I explained that the protection order will help HER emotionally to enforce and keep NC. It will not PREVENT a S in a sociopathic rage from coming after her!
I said to her if you were to drop this charge, the police may not take this as seriously the NEXT time he does this to you! She sd. I know, when I called the police another time, I had a black eye ,but ended up NOT pressing charges, and the officer said TO THIS 19 yr old college student WITH NO PARENTAL GUIDANCE, or family-
‘ Then I have NO pity for YOU” (since she refused pressing charges) — WHAT THE Freak???
I am furious that this ignorant police officer would say this to this abused girl!!! ALSO, I am debating on sending an email to the college councelor stating the facts of this case so that MAYBE someone can help her!
Along with the struggles for justice, I see the enormous need for officers training even before the laws can be readily enforced.
I realize that I am all over the place with this post, which represents where my brain is- not to mention my heart.
On the other side of it- I refuse to enable my son by helping him. He is where he should be – in jail. My only outreach was to send a 5 page letter with bible scripture where God commands us to turn away from evil, and not live as fools who are destained for death and destruction through wickedness.
As a mother, this is a wretched place to be in. My feelings and knowledge on abuse and sociopathy are clear and steadfast. The natural tendencies to protect and nuture my son are in direct conflict when he is the abuser. There is no protection for him- I must do my best in protecting others “from” him.
Patriotdad,
I have adjusted the headline of the article. You are right – the actual law appears to be gender neutral.
I will point out, however, that a simple observation on your part would have sufficed. Your apparent vitriol damages your own cause.
Sabrina:
I am so sorry…..and my heart breaks for you!
I am also very very proud of you for taking such a courageious stand for what is right and trying to protect this young woman from a predator. Even if that preditor is your own son.
I have been recently learning the ‘concept’ of tough love…..and it’s all about the name….TOUGH!
It is imperative this woman knows the dangers….unfortunately, she may NOT be ready to accept it, as a lot of persons in her position are not.
Your efforts though will not go un noticed or in vain….there will come a day, where she ‘wakes’ up….maybe tomorrow….maybe in 10 years….or like me with all the people who tried to help me…..28 years!
I believe you have done ALL you can do for her. It’s a delicate situation……
Keep the nudging going, but don’t enable her……point her in the healthy direction.
As far as your son goes….I’m sorry for your realization. I bet you suffered with abuse from him also……I tried to put myslef in your shoes, and imagine how your feeling angry at your son amongst other things…..and I just can’t. I too see signs of behaviors I am certainly not happy with in one of my sons……and it scares the shit out of me……I lead him on a tight rope, but he is still defiant etc…..If he turns out to be abusive….I have NO IDEA what I will do…..expect be prepared to ‘let him go’……like his father.
Remain strong….and your doing the right thing……you cant’ control others behaviors.
XXOO
EB
sabrina, there may be a reason why she doesn’t want to contact her parents. People with previous history of traumatic abuse are more likely to be revictimized.
Rather than counsel her about NC (which is probably not something that she can get her mind around), it might be more useful to be very straight with her. She is behaving like someone who is seriously mentally ill and not able to protect herself. Physical abusers escalate the abuse. Her life is at risk. Ask her if she wants to die, or get help.
This may sound brutal, but she’s disassociating. And the only way she’s going to make a better decision is if you can break through that.
You’re relating to her pain. And you’re assuming that the best medicine is “comfort.” Telling her you care. Telling her she’s worth more. Telling her that it would be better if she went NC.
She’s not hearing you because she’s caught in a cycle of panic. And she’s going back to him, because however twisted this is, he is security. It’s like an addiction and she needs an intervention.
I’d call the DV hotline or get in touch with whatever DV resources are available, and tell them to you need a therapist or other professional who can help clarify that she’s mentally ill right now, and that her life is absolutely at risk. And that she has to start taking steps to get well and protect herself.
I don’t think that you can do this by yourself. You’re too emotionally involved, and you’re also “family,” which she may or may not trustl, no matter when you tell her your loyalties are. That doesn’t mean you can’t support her, if she does get help and go into recovery. It’s just this intervention. She needs someone to wake her up, and she has already shown that she can successfully tune you out.
You said she’s in school. If you can’t find someone to help you through the DV people, try the school. Explain the story and say that YOU need help, in order to help her. That you are not able to reach her, and she has already been injured and is at severe risk of more violence. Then ask if they have a counselor or outreach program for victims of DV. Also check the police. They may have someone.
sabrina, you are not responsible for this. I know you care. But you cannot physically restrain this girl, or ultimately protect her from herself. She has to make her decisions. The challenge is to find someone to help wake her up to what she is doing to herself by continuing to allow him into her life. But if she doesn’t make that decision, you have to find the strength in yourself to let it go. Because it’s out of your hands.
People in her situation need to know that someone cares about them and will be there for them. But that, in the end, is all you can do. This is up to her.
You are struggling with a history of victimization and the knowledge that your son is an abuser. Your mental health is a matter of concern. You need to take care of yourself. That means to pay attention to how you feel, do good things for yourself, and consciously limit your involvement in what you can’t handle or what is out of your control. I know this is your son, and I know you care about her. But you have to take care of yourself or this whole thing is going to turn into a re-traumatizing experience for you. And none of these people are going to be there to take care of you.
I hope this makes sense. Please, please take care of yourself.
Kathy
Sabrina,
Being involved with an abuser is much like an addiction. Perhaps you can get the young woman to read the following article—along with the links at the end. The links go to articles that explain the physical and psychological aspects of the addiction. Maybe it will help her.
http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2009/12/20/better-choices-in-2010/
Erin, thanks so much for your response, it means alot to me, knowing how you took on the S husband, and kicked his A** up one side and down the other in court. We all rejoiced in your victory and have been encouraged through your courage and resolve to end the abuse. I am so sorry to hear the news that your son is exhibiting traits as well. No one can even imagine what it is like until you walk in these shoes. it is like trying to “prepare” for a death- you just can’t. Even when your laughing and having carefree moments- the dimness of your loss is still there staring through the joy- behind the smile and light is that darkness and sadness that is just there. Even if no one in the room knows, you KNOW. The heartache you feel when other moms complain about their sons grades in college,not keeping a clean room, or staying out too late. You just think- oh to Have that problem. That is sooo trivial compared… Its all about perspective. I know many parents who would prefer my problem over worse situations yet. Thank God the g.f. is alive! I am doing everything I can to give her the knowledge that most of us didnt have in the midst of the abuse cycle.
Kathy- Thank you, your wisdom is invaluable to me. I share your thoughts about my mental state, and hers as well. We are on same page about notifying the school. As I mentioned, the comment from the officer was ridiculous, but may not represent the PD attitudes. I still think the college may be more beneficial and she is more apt to take the help as it would be less threatening to a 19 yr old.
As you advised, I have been very upfront and forward in what I have told her. She feels “pity” for him , as he has her believing that he dosen’t REMEMBER his vicious attacks on her. I said “If he KILLS you next time, It won’t really MATTER if he remembers or NOT, YOU WILL STILL BE DEAD! You don’t get a 2nd chance or “do over” to live.
I also told her numerous times to quote Oxy (not exact-but something of this nature) that rat poison is 99% benign ingredients while only 1% is lethal. That 1% is enough to KILL YOU. All those momentary “good” qualities do not negate the “death potential” that you are endangering yourself with. (a big thank you to Oxy for such an easy to understand analogy HUGS)))
ANy and all comments is appreciated as I am more than willing to try most anything necessary to help. The sad part is that I may be setting myself up for a lifetime of trying to save.
I know that there is ONLY so much that I can do, I am not responsible for his actions but I feel that If I am knowing of abuse , able to intervene, but don’t,it is just as guilty. Not to say that sometimes we can only afford to spend so much energy in it, and our own safety has to be priority. And yes, Erin, you were right – my son has even been abusive towards me, and I’ve seen the S- rage that goes on- its quite chilling.
Sabrina:
“The sad part is that I may be setting myself up for a lifetime of trying to save.”
This is where you must balance the awareness with the realization you can’t ‘help’ everyone.
You must set those boundaries and stick to them. I imagine this is very difficult to do…..because we are ‘helpers’, ‘fixers’…..
I have gotten good at ‘giving up’ on people on the ‘outside’ that just won’t get it….I can say my peace and walk away….
But….with those on the ‘inside’ I haven’t figured out the key that fits the lock on that one.
I am as prepared mentally as I can be to ‘let this son go’ when he’s 18.
If that is what it takes to keep my sanity and health in tact.
This mental preparednesss will not make it any easier to do if I need to…..but willingness is my protector at the moment.
I often think how I will feel if he”s living under a bridge and needs help……but the ‘help’ I can offer has been raising him to know right from wrong…..save money, plan ahead, treat others like you wish to be treated and all the lessons parents teach……but I am aware I can’t enable him. It’s up to him.
This son has ‘stood’ up and blocked me from leaving a room and has very little respect for authority. He’s ADHD and I refuse to let that be an excuse.
I have had major hardships and no one is interested in any of the excuses I could come up with to excuse behaviors /actions…..
It’s like if we lose a leg……what, do we just sit in the corner for the rest of our lives? NO you figure it out……
It’s unfortunate, but we have to figure out how to live with our specific situation.
We are responsible for our own happiness.
Reading your post, I envisioned myself with my son in your position and it scares the hell out of me. I can only hope my influence overrides his S fathers…..but ultimately he knows how it feels to be abused and it is his choice how to treat people.
Anyways….do what you can, but don’t give more than you have to ‘give’.
You should be proud of your knowledge and willingness to help and raise awareness to others.
sabrina,
I am so sorry to hear about your current situation. I think that contacting the domestic abuse center is a very good option. They deal with situations like this and should have some resources available.
I have thought about you so many times and wondered how you were doing.
God this is so hard. My heart hurts for you because I know that you didn’t arrive where you are at today, with the ability to accept this about your son….. Without intense grief. And alot of shed tears.
And you are right…Even when you do accept this it is like a “darkness” that follows you and you can never get free from it. It even clouds over the happy moments in life. Mothers were not given what it takes to have no contact with their children. Its very un-natural to have this conflict inside of us.
You are doing the best you can in a difficult situation with your sons G/F. It is an addiction. Sometimes interventions work and sometimes they do not. Please take care of yourself.
I wish you well. Hugs to you.
Donna, Great, I got the girls email so that I can send her links. I will send this. Anyone else with links that will help, please send them. I will make sure she gets them!
Update- she said alittle bit ago that LF has helped her ALOT!
Thank God for this site! THank YOU DONNA.
Any suggestions on what to say or how to deal with him? As I type this, I am shaking my head. I am no newbie to dealing with this. So I guess I might as well erase this question. Talking to a S is like asking a snake not to bite you. You can do it til the cows come home, and it ain’t gonna stop ’em from their agenda. I know this, and yet I am still struggling with banding my son with the lot of the sociopaths, mentally meshing him with the likes of them.
As a woman of strong faith, I must face the reality of today,but never want to give up hope and the desperate desire for my son to be changed through faith, prayer, and God’s grace. My thoughts and prayers are with all of you facing these trials.