Those of us who have been psychologically abused by sociopaths—whether we’re male or female, and whether the abuser is male or female—know that the abuse should be criminal. It appears that in France, it just may happen.
A Lovefraud reader sent me a link to an interesting story in Time Magazine. Legislators from France’s ruling party are expected to introduce a bill that would outlaw “conjugal abuse of a psychological nature” in both married and unmarried relationships.
According to Time,
The legislation seeks to target the verbal and mental denigration, humiliation and manipulation that typically lead to physical abuse. The hope is that the bill will help prevent the emotional wounds that words often cause before a punch is ever thrown.
I hope the law gets passed. I hope it works. We’ll have to see what happens.
Read the article on Time.com:
Witsend- Oh thank you so much. I think of you often, and your son as well. I would like to know how you are getting along. You have been thru sooo much and are still helping others so selflessly. You and I have been on this similar path awhile now and have seen how this progresses. It is a day to day journey. Sometimes I cry like a little baby about it, sometimes I am tough girl with anger issues. Its like Erin says you have to “try” to prepare yourself as best as one can. I will have to sign off for awhile now, but will be following up later tonight. Blessings to you all.
I still talk to my son….very openly and direct. About how the world views abusers and how it’s NOT okay to hurt/control/abuse anyone…..self included.
I try different angles,,,,,Him…others…..me…..
I am not willing to ‘give up’ just yet, but I am trying to fine tune what my boundaries are.
Even if I say my peace….for MY benefit….because he won’t listen to anything I say…..at least I feel good about continuing to do what i should as a parent of a minor.
I know I get through to him, because I hear him counseling others …..I know he does get it at times….but the other times is what I worry about…..and those times provide his very poor choices that will hurt others and get him in trouble.
Good luck Sabrina…..and know….your in my thoughts…sending you mojo!!!
Here is the other BIG problem when standing up to an abuser in court. You have to have money and be willing to lose it.
I have now been in litigation with my ex for the past five years. (I thought it would take one year and a few hundred dollars to get a divorce – especially since I had a valid and legal separation agreement). How wrong I was. It has cost all of my savings, two properties, my health and my nerves – and as far as I can tell – he is broke as well.
But, he doesn’t care. He wants to see me lose my house…my income…my sanity. He knows every trick in the book as far as litigation goes…has switched lawyers…has pretended to suffer from a heart attack…works for a big fundraising firm and tells the attorneys that he is in Iraq saving children.
I honestly thought that my life was going to change if I stood up to him…but, it hasn’t. He is still planning my demise…and the courts don’t care. Everyone seem to think that it’s about money. The judges ruled against him…they warned him that if he doesn’t abide by the Separation agreement – he will end up in jail. Then, another year goes by. I have spent $150,000 on attorney fees and there is no end in sight.
After supporting him as a military wife…raising our two boys…and enduring his covert abuse (which turned into physical abuse before I locked him out of the house) for 30 years…I wanted to be free but, can’t find a way out of it. We were tied together with taxes…properties…military laws.
I didn’t see this coming. When I wanted a divorce – all hell broke lose. He purposefully and calculately planned every move to topple me over.
At this point I wonder if it wouldn’t have been better to take my money and disappear. Standing up to a Sociopath is a lonely and futile proposition. Every time I think it’s over – it isn’t. I told my attorney – from the very beginning – my ex has been diagnosed to be a Sociopath. He is dangerous…he will play mind games…he will come and go as he pleases…he will hide behind his job and feels entitled to break the law.
Attorneys don’t listen. They have heard similar accusations from every other disgruntled wife. Now – 3 years later – my attorney realizes what is going on. I can’t blame him – it took me 30 years.
I spent weeks compiling evidence of his abuse, his lies, fraud, e-mails, broken promises, affairs, etc. Nothing was ever introduced in court. In the end – it was all about the Separation Agreement. Lawyers don’t want to touch the abuse issues…and even if they did – it would cost a fortune – especially if you hire a really good one.
I have had zero contact with my ex. Saw him in court again last week. He is a pathetic excuse for a human being. Cold, calculated, arrogant. Normal people would worry about being thrown into jail. Not him. He thinks he is innocent, and has convinced himself that I am the problem. He wrote an e-mail recently that I will get what’s coming to me.
We never appeared in front of the judge last week…my ex told the lawyers that he is ready to end this…told them that he will sign on the dotted line. Then, he disappeared again.
I am sure he is claiming to be helping with the Haiti disaster.
This morning I received another piece of bad news. He will never know – but, there are times when I don’t think I can take one more thing. I wanted to be free of him – but, it doesn’t seem possible. On the positive side: I am still standing, and I have not lost my house.
I wish there were more sympathetic lawyers, judges, senators, etc… I wish there were laws that would help us…but, even if there were – who would pay for it?
The bottom line is – if your spouse, boyfriend, lover or ex is truly a Sociopath – get away from him…don’t file for divorce unless you are planning to re-marry. Leave your home and
get away from him/her as quickly and as quietly as you can. Spend your money on a good and supportive therapist instead of a lawyer.
Petra60,
It is a very valid point that you make here for other women going through this very same thing.
Sometimes it is in a persons best interest not to fight them in court. Because there is no winning. And in the end the price you pay isn’t worth it.
It is important to remember that all sociopaths are not “stupid” and impulsive. Some are very calculating.
I hope the end is in sight for you soon.
Dear Petra,
Sometimes walking away upright is the best option, as they do not care that they “cut their own noses off to spite their faces” as long as “You lose” they think that means that they won. DUH????? Makes no sense in a normal mind, but only in theirs. They are willing to die in order to kill you. God bless you in your struggle with this monster. (((Hugs))))
Petra60, I am sorry to hear about your bad situation. S just are hellbent to win without any moral compass or impulse control , no matter how money, time, and energy it cost. It is like a game to them, using monopoly money with no reality base. They make no real future plans, no thought of tomorrow, just the greed and deception of the day.
My S son’s g.f. did go to court yesterday, and acquired the protection order for one year which I am relieved to hear.
He received a slap on the wrist- anger management classes with his guilty charge of physical abuse. But the goal of trying to protect the g.f. and her beginning to stay NC has been established.Unfortunately, it will be up to her to enforce the NC- laws are made to be broken in his eyes, so the protection order means nothing to him.
Sabrina:
You know what really helped me with NC……it was the Extended Order of protection…..
The judge/police/therapist all made it VERY CLEAR….that I Cannot contact him either….
The greater distance I had from the S, the more clear I was able to see the light….the more I saw the reality, the more disgusted I got…..
IT is imperative GF follows through!!! THIS IS NO JOKE.
If she sneaks around to see him…..there are 2 problems……
He will turn his manipulations on her and she will lose all credibility…….
AND he can set her up to just ‘come over’ for a minute, no one will know……I love you type scenario in a weak moment……and call the police ON HER………
At this point in my life…..TPO time……I was VERY afraid of him ‘getting even’ and I had lost ALL TRUST IN HIM. I knew he would have LOVED to of had me arrested……
One of his cries is, I cant believe she called the police on me…..I can’t believe kids called police on me…..I DID NOTHING WRONG! Oh, this was …….I would NEVER call the police on my family…….NO ONE does that!
This told me that if he had ANY reason…….he would grab the opportunity…….AND I DIDN”T WANT TO SEE IT GET WORSE!!!!
So…..I hope, for herself and for other victims of DV…….that she follows through to a T and respects the order in the spirit it was meant…….and doesn’t invalidate it with the police and courts and dv advocates by sneaking around with an abuser.
She must call police even if he calls her…..It’s a court ordered NC order!!!!! Drives by her house, work, contacts friends to send messages…….even if it seems trivial….she needs to file a police report…….SHE MUST!!!
This is why these things are in place……TO PROTECT US!!!
It’s not a golden fence…..but they can work well if WE use it in the spirit it was set up……
I’m really glad she was in court….and it angers me to no end to send an abuser to anger management…….FORCED!
Well….maybe he will be the odd abuser and WANT TO CHANGE!!!!
But…..i’ts on his record now…..and he better stop collecting DV charges……..COPS DON”T LIKE THAT, either do judges!!!!
And I hope to god…..this relationship is OVER!!!!!
Darlen…..if your reading this……please keep reading on LF and educating yourself on abusive relationships……it’s a screwed situation to be in…..but your 19 years old….DONT” WAIT FOR 28 years To REALIZE……that your married to a peice of shit…..LIKE I DID!!!!
THEY DO NOT CHANGE!!!!!!
You really do have your whole life before you…….take control and steer clear of these types of relationships!!!
You CAN DO THIS!!!!
Use this time for YOU……get into therapy and the right man will come along one day!!!!
XXOO
EB
Wow, great article! I haven’t been able to be around the past few days and there’s much happening on here.
EB: Right on, girl! I am praying, sabrina, that this young woman gets it NOW as opposed to later after he has taken everything she has and is. It’s a wonderful opportunity for her to learn some very valuable lessons at a young age. Getting the order was a HUGE step that she was abused and now the justice system knows it as well.
EB, you nailed it when you talked about those quick little intervals of “love” they try and coerce you into. Mine made up excuses; he HAD to have this or that as part of his property was still in my home. I got around that by telling him to pick it up at the neighbors if it was so almighty important. They will try ANYTHING and when one is vulnerable, BAM, they are back in. Once I learned the “game”, and that’s all it is, the whole picture changed. I recently had my protection order made permanent. I did this in fear that at some point he would, and he really thinks he has the right to do this, just walk as if he’d been on a business trip.
The greatest gift we can give ourselves is education and finding others who get where we have been. Coming to LF has been one of the greatest steps I ever made in my recovery. I learn more from those who have been where I’m at than from anyone else.
Petra, I agree with Ox on just walking away. In their need to get even with us, most are more than willing to go down themselves. In my case, my ex TOLD me that if he had to lose it all, he would make sure I did as well, regardless of the fact that we have a young son together. He didn’t care if he took his own child down! That’s how vicious they are. It’s not what you’re walking away from, it’s what you’re walking towards; a new life, a new self and peace within.
sabrina,
Well that is good news that the order of protection is in place. And hopefully she is in the “right place” to let the protection order do what it is suppose to do.
Unfortunately she might not be ready for complete N/C either. It is pretty likely that he will try to work around the PO, if he is still under the misconception that the “rules” don’t apply to him. So the burden to follow through and enforce will be on her. She is so young to really understand to the full extent. That he will NOT change. Even after all she has been through. Domestic violence is really hard to wrap your brain around and get away from. The bondage. The addiction to the abuser. Its all so complex.
I hope she is a strong young woman and can use this order to help herself to stay N/C with your son. That would be a blessing.
How about you? How are you feeling now?