Those of us who have been psychologically abused by sociopaths—whether we’re male or female, and whether the abuser is male or female—know that the abuse should be criminal. It appears that in France, it just may happen.
A Lovefraud reader sent me a link to an interesting story in Time Magazine. Legislators from France’s ruling party are expected to introduce a bill that would outlaw “conjugal abuse of a psychological nature” in both married and unmarried relationships.
According to Time,
The legislation seeks to target the verbal and mental denigration, humiliation and manipulation that typically lead to physical abuse. The hope is that the bill will help prevent the emotional wounds that words often cause before a punch is ever thrown.
I hope the law gets passed. I hope it works. We’ll have to see what happens.
Read the article on Time.com:
First of all – I would like to share my story with Sabrina because she can emphasize and I with her. Aside from having to deal with my ex’s on-going hateful actions…I have cried bitter tears over my two son’s hurtful behavior…one of which is exactly like his father. He has done horrible things to me and his girlfriends. He was the cutest little boy growing up and I didn’t believe the parents and teachers who complained about him…I chalked it up to teenage anxiety and raging hormones when he grew older…blamed myself when he started drugs and drinking…bailed him out every time he promised to change. He studied computer technology…connected my computer to his network and wrote e-mails to his girlfriend pretending to be me. He stalked me…gave some of my private e-mail to his father…hooked into my phone line somehow and pretended to be calling people from my house…he stole a debit card from me and took money out in small increments…duped me and lied about everything. Sometimes he told stories that were not true just to get me upset.
Just like you Sabrina – I have watched him treat girls with disrespect, verbally and psychologically abuse them, and discard them at the slightest imaginary transgression. I wanted to warn these women and tell them to run – run as fast as you can – but, no matter what I would have said – it would have sounded crazy. My son is good looking, tall and can be the most charming, sincere man on earth – or at least seems to be.
I used to believe that I can save him just by loving him. Not true. He is not and will never be capable of empathy and honest kindness. It must be genetic.
He loses high paying jobs over and over again. He feels entitled to tell people what to do…come late to work…lie on applications…bad mouth people. He, too will end up in jail or under a bridge.
We didn’t wish that for our sons. I cried bitter tears when I read your story. It is my story. I, too, realized that I needed to let him go. It is too difficult to spend more than five minutes in his presence. He will push and push until I get upset…after which he looks at me with cold, dead eyes and tells me “You are not going to cry – are you?” If I don’t – he pushes some more – until I am devastated. I have not seen him for over a year. The other day he called me on my cell phone (I didn’t recognize the number). After I answered – he said: “I have the wrong number” and hung up before I could say anything. Then, my new cell phone froze. It took me three days to get it to work again. I feel paranoid, and would sell my house – but, my ex is still half owner. The moment I would let him know that I want to sell my house – he would do everything in his power to make sure that doesn’t happen.
My older son is married and I see so many similarities between their marriage and mine. He treats his wife a lot better than I was treated – but, Sascha is a workaholic – like his father. He learned how to talk to me from the master abuser, and doesn’t miss an opportunity to let me know that I am the problem. It doesn’t surprise me – but, it hurts. I have not seen him for years, because he was an Army officer stationed in Korea and then Afganistan. Last Christmas – he and his wife promised to come visit (they live approx. 10 hours drive away). I decorated the entire house, and was all excited about their visit when – at the last moment – they wrote an e-mail to inform me that they discussed what they wanted to do for Christmas – and have decided that I should come visit on the 23rd of December and “get back on the road on the 26th”.
I couldn’t believe they were telling me this. Ten hours drive to Cinncinati – ten hours back home – and two days at their house before I can “hit the road”??? When I mentioned that it was hurtful to be told that I could only spend two days at their house – my son told me that they had to “draw boundaries”. It took my breath away.
Boundaries for me who has never stepped over their boundaries. Then – when I told him that he was setting boundaries for the wrong person – he answered: “Well – I have to accommodate three families now.” Meaning his wife’s family – his Dad and his young girlfriend – and me.” I told him that this was too painful to hear and hung up. Have not spoken to him since.
Two days later I found 38 photos on his wife’s facebook of their Thanksgiving holidays. They told me that her family would be visiting for Thanksgiving – instead I saw photos of my ex with his girlfriend..his sister and her family…all of his wife’s family…my younger son. Everyone was laughing and having fun – sitting on the furniture I had given them…using my Thanksgiving recipies…eating of my dishes…surrounded by my paintings…
It broke my heart. Honestly. It was the lowest point in my life. That was worse than loss of money or properties…worse than court dates or paperwork. I had made such an effort to be friends with his wife and her family…supported her the entire time my son was in Afganistan…visited her family and invited them to my house. Everyone thought my ex was an evil man…and there he was…with a woman who didn’t earn the right to be with my family… and everyone was having a good time or pretending to.
My ex wrote an e-mail after he lost in court in November and told me that I will get what’s coming to me… and then he planned this next strike. He had ignored the boys for 35 years – and suddenly – he pretended to be Dad of the year…dragging his new girlfriend onto the scene.
I had always wished that my boys would defend me…tell their father that enough is enough. Instead they tell me that I can only visit for two days because they have other people to take care of. I was a stay-at-home mother – doing everything for my boys…painting while they were asleep to earn some extra money…teaching classes while they were in school so that I could be there for them. I still look young – am a very creative and active person. My students call me the Professor of Life and Art. My friends think that I am the greatest person alive. I think of myself as kind, loving, generous, accommodating, empathic and conscientious. And yet, my believe their father. I have never asked them to take sides…but, they saw what he did to me and they chose to sweep the truth under the rug.
It’s just too much. I read everyone’s stories – and I understand the pain and sorrow. There are days when I truly believe that I can move on…but, then something else happens and I stumble, fall – find myself back in bed – wondering why.
Thank you for everyone’s kind words…it helps.
Petra, I am so sorry you’ve had to go through this.
If it’s any consolation, you sound clear as a bell. Not confused about anything, except why they would treat you like that.
It sounds like you’re in the process of writing them off. I hope you can do that for your own sake. I’m not exactly sure how to say this, but it’s something like the journey being the destination. You had all the experiences you had. Some of them good, some of them bad. But now is now.
You sound like you have a good life. I hope you can enjoy it. Live for yourself. It’s not only the best revenge, but it also attracts more good to you. And you deserve that.
A big hug —
Kathy
Dear Petra60,
I understand your pain and your sorrow. My heart goes out to you. There is nothing more difficult in life than accepting “this” when it comes to your own flesh and blood.
I have been in this “acceptance stage” for about two years. My son is still a minor, he isn’t even considered an adult yet. But there is a dark side of him that scares the hell out of me. And escalated very quickly during puberty.
Just like you I thought that loving him would be enough. I thought there was STILL a window of opportunity because he was young. That getting him help and taking him to councelling and all the other things I tried to do when I first became aware, there was a problem. Certainly all these things wouldn’t fail. SOMETHING would help turn this around.
Nothing did. Much of the time I felt like I was talking to these people that were supposed to help and no one was hearing what I WAS saying. The thing I heard most was : “Has he broken the law yet?”
Not yet, but he doesn’t think the rules apply to him, not at school, not at home, and not at work…..So seeing as that is the extent of his world right now at this age….I suppose it might be just a matter of time, before he is in trouble with the law. THATS what I was thinking. But I didn’t say it outloud.
This all began two years ago….At this point I have pretty well accepted that I know what I know. I have seen this manifest within him and grow like a cancer. He really seems like a stranger to me. I am tired of trying to explain this to people. No one really gets it.
My son recently moved out. (he is still a minor) But old enough not to be considered a runaway in my state. One of his friends parents offered him a roof over his head. Even though they were aware of the fact that it was against my wishes, him moving out of the house at his age. They were “taken in” by his story of what a terrible mother I am. And how bad he has it at home. So he left.
Just yesterday my son called me and basically was giving me a “story” on how his days were numbered living at his friends house. His friend has gotton himself in a situation and this family might be taking on another “boarder”. (his friends g/f) and that would put my son w/o a place to stay. I knew instantly that there was something “wrong” with this story.
And today I found that my son was grounded for disobeying the “rules” in this household where he is staying. So the honeymoon is over….As they say. And the knot in my stomach is BACK.
Because as much as I didn’t agree with these people taking him in, NOW I know if they tell him he is out……Guess what?
He’s back.
I have just started to be able to go to bed at night w/o that knot in the pit of my stomach and wake up in the morning w/o it there as well. As much as there has been stress involved with him not living here (yet knowing I am responsible for him still because of his age) it has been NOTHING compared with the feeling of him holding me captive in my own house. Because that is what I feel like when he is here. A prisoner in my own home…..I am sick over this.
I knew this wasn’t going to last forever…..I know my son well enough to know that he couldn’t keep up the “good” behavior over there for very long.
So although I am not as far along in this as you are….Your son is grown. I feel your pain. And I don’t see that it ever goes away. Those conflicted feelings. Loving them and not knowing what they are capable of. That fear.
Witt – My xspath’s own mother told me not to get involved with her son ‘after I was hooked’ she said she couldnt do anything with him and she mentioned being afraid of him, she even called him a booger, she warned me to get rid of him and she also said he could not come stay with her..at the time I thot she was cold and heartless, after all I had just called to tell her that he had cut his wrist and I was at my witsend with him – she more or less hung up on me…she knew what she was talkin about – anywho sorry the events have changed with your son – another big ole bear hug from )))HENRY(((
Petra … that so sucks. You did all the work through the years and he just shows up out of nowhere and you are relegated to nowhere. I can’t believe they used the word ‘boundaries’ with you – how sick is that??? I know how gut wrenching it is to see pictures that you should have been the main person in and you are exluded – I just can’t imagine how bad it would be after devoting the best years of your life to these people.
There is probably little anyone can say that can console you right now. But please bear in mind the ‘acting’ happy is just that – acting. The true character will emerge in time and when it does they will see that they chose the wrong person … probably too late by then. It is so unfair to you after all you have done.
I hope you are doing whatever you need to nurture yourself during this time. It does sound like you are crystal clear about the whole situation and why you feel upset at it – that doesn’t really help the hurt, but allows you to understand why you feel the way you do. It’s so incredibly unfair how others think they are wonderful and cut the good people out of their lives, co-opting them into the lies and deceit as well. (((((((hugs))))))))
Dear Witsend,
I am so sorry. I remember the knot in my stomach – not knowing what’s going to happen next. I don’t remember how old my son was – certainly over 18 and under 21…we went to drug counseling with him. My ex, me and my son. After a couple of sessions – the therapist told us that he would love to live with us…nice home, good food, access to laundry, television, computer, a car. My ex asked him what it is we could do or should do. The man told us that he can give us a list of “shelters”. That’s all he said. My ex shrugged it off…my son wasn’t especially worried…but, I asked him for the list.
I couldn’t ake it any longer. My body was shutting down. I contracted fibromyalgia, high blood pressure, had nerve pain in my face. Like you – I was constantly on edge.
His father didn’t want the responsibilities associated with being a father – so, he left for months or years at a time. In the end – I always had to deal with it. It was in 2001 – my husband had moved out again…I found Mischa at home – in my bed – with a girl I didn’t know. He wasn’t yet 21 – but, I told him that I have had it. Locked him out of my house and informed him that he is not welcome here any longer.
This was after a string of incidences with drugs, alcohol, stealing, owing a thousand dollars to drug dealers and begging me for the money or they were going to kill him, me or both. I called the police at the time – they didn’t do anything except advise me to pay the money.
As I am writing this – it sounds so unreal. It wasn’t a world I grew up in…it wasn’t anything I could have ever imagined. But, once I locked him out – that was it. He has not been living with me ever since. Of course, my situation was different. My ex helped him rent an apartment – get a student loan – then, washed his hands off him. Since then – I have done a lot of things wrong. It took me many more years to realize that neither my sons nor my ex will ever change. They are so convinced that I am the villain in this game – there is no recovery – there is no going back.
What I am trying to say is: Maybe you don’t have to take your son back? Of course, it depends on your financial situation. I sent my son to a boarding school for a while…sent him to re-hab. There were no easy answers Why do we have to endure the abuse? I have not followed your story – but, has your son done anything that could be reported to the police?
If you do have to take him back – try to avoid him as much as possible. Don’t fall for the “sincere” acts. Don’t get into arguments. Don’t make rules you cannot enforce.
The way I dealt with uncomfortable situations – I would dream about the life I was going to have once I was free. I found comfort in the knowledge that it wouldn’t last forever. (I am not so sure about the situation with my ex:(
Since everyone knows where I live – and since my ex is still tied to me with the properties – I often wonder if I shouldn’t just disappear. I would have to give up everything…my friends…my house…my dreams… but, maybe it would bring me the peace I have always wanted. Should I start over…could I?
Kathleen – thank you for the compliment. I am very clear about what’s happening – but, I am not so sure I am clear about what I should do next. I am selling our townhouse because it’s the only way to pay the legal fees – but, my ex is not signing all of the real estate papers. He has stopped paying one half of the mortgage on that property….I keep wondering why I had the townhouse renovated and why I am paying the mortgage if all the proceeds go to the lawyer…actually, I can’t even sell it now because my ex isn’t cooperating. The lawyers are as frustrated as I am. I wish they would take him to court and get him thrown into jail. I guess they don’t do it so easily with high paying executives who work for a charitable foundation.
I have fought so long and hard for him to abide by the Separation Agreement…the judge already ruled that he has to pay arrearages…I am receiving one half of his income…but, he is making damn sure that I don’t have any money because he stops paying for things he is supposed to pay for. The only way to get things done – is to go back to court – which means more money. It is the most frustrating Catch 22.
Anyhow – wishing everyone a joyful day.
Petra
Thank you
Petra60,
When you said…As I am writting this -it sounds so unreal.
I really can relate to that cooment. I feel like that is what the last couple years have been in my life. “Unreal”. When I reflect on ALL of it, it seems so unreal, like a nightmare that you can’t wake up from.
Words often escape me to even explain what EXACTLY just happened, after an interaction with my son. And I am standing right there in the PRESENT of what just happened. It’s so unexplainable though.
All that manipulation, the lack of reality, the spinning & twisting of the words, (his distorted perception) the gaslighting and projection. The absolute CRAZYMAKING he brings into this house. The complexity of just living under the same roof with him.
The truth of the matter is that if he was ANYONE else besides my son I would run for the hills. I would want to be away from it, that bad.
All I know is I can’t take it anymore. I don’t have alot of options just yet because of his age. Legally.
I am kind of damned if I do and damned if I don’t type situation.
You sound like you have been through all of this and more. I am so very sorry that any mother would have to face such an ordeal.
It is so unfortunate that you can’t just “run for the hills” as I put it, and that your hands are tied financially with your X. It is just one more way they assume control. That is the thing about this…Even when they are not in our lives any more in the physical sense they can still “control”, if they want to, in other ways.
hens,
And the saga continues…..Over here.
You know when you saw how your X’s mother was no longer willing to get involved with him even though he had cut his wrist and was at an all time low…It is natural to think, what the hell is wrong with her? This is her son. How awful. What mother could do this?
Only the mother of a S/P/N. God it makes me wonder what he did to her? And I don’t even know her.
Suicide is a real trigger for me. Including an attempt. And I can’t even imagine a mother not coming to his side after that. So that speaks to me that this woman endured ALOT.
Do you think that as well now? Knowing what you know? Or do you think she was part of the problem?
hi witty, my sister in horticulture!
is your son doing anything that could result in a few months in jail, say, until he is 18?
it’s SO important to be here. it’s like martial arts training; we learn and learn and learn and then when we are in the situation that calls for our knowledge of their moves to come to the fore it does.
If he makes you spin (that unreal feeling) and takes you out of yourself with his moves maybe you could further deconstruct his particular moves in light of the ‘spath moves.’
I wonder if you could write down the things he says and does – very particular words and phrases he has used to gaslight you, or project his behaviors on to others or you, or plee for pity, etc. Really work at nailing them. I suspect it is a repetitive script.
Then write out lines can you use to undermine the script. There have been some great ones mentioned here in the last while: ‘what do you mean by that?, ‘that doesn’t work for me’, etc.
If it is a script (with minor variations) it means you have the opportunity to re-write your end of it, practice watching him go into script and using new ways to protect yourself.
Is this making sense?
x one step
Witsend:
I ordered that book you suggested, “When a Stranger Calls You Mom”.
I can’t wait to receive it and start reading.