Those of us who have been psychologically abused by sociopaths—whether we’re male or female, and whether the abuser is male or female—know that the abuse should be criminal. It appears that in France, it just may happen.
A Lovefraud reader sent me a link to an interesting story in Time Magazine. Legislators from France’s ruling party are expected to introduce a bill that would outlaw “conjugal abuse of a psychological nature” in both married and unmarried relationships.
According to Time,
The legislation seeks to target the verbal and mental denigration, humiliation and manipulation that typically lead to physical abuse. The hope is that the bill will help prevent the emotional wounds that words often cause before a punch is ever thrown.
I hope the law gets passed. I hope it works. We’ll have to see what happens.
Read the article on Time.com:
lightsaber – erggh, wish i could stay and talk to you. i will be back late tonight.
x to cheek, one step
thanks for the moral support one step )))hugs(((
i can’t afford to freak out – surrounded by people and i can’t start falling apart
but i’m having a really hard time with this – taking deep breaths and trying to keep it together
yes STEALTH is the answer
TAKING A PAGE out of the Spath book
Turn their own game against them.
It’s like the French Resistance during the second world war. When you are fighting evil you can’t go running into the village square screaming that about traitors and enemies. You’d get shot and laughed at for being an idiot.
Covert and stealth is not bad, when you are fighting the enemy within.
you have a wonderful night one step *x on cheek* right back…how artsy! LOL 🙂
TAKING A PAGE out of the Spath book – absofuckinglutely!
Covert and stealth is not bad, when you are fighting the enemy within. wow – this is true on more than one level….
running out doooor….
Witsend, I am trying to catch up here, I was out of town, but read your posts from over the weekend. I am so sorry you are also going thru it. You are where I was at a few years ago with my son.
I know exactly your feelings of regretting that he isn’t with you, worrying about his whereabouts- but being so damned relieved that the horror of “being captive in your own home” with him is -at least for the time being not an issue.
I feel your best chance at somewhat dealing with this horrid situation IS for your son to live somewhere else. I learned quickly that my life would be hell with him around- NO ecseptions. Every small glimmer of hope that he could be normal, fun,good, honest, honorable,etc. was shot. You die alittle inside daily if they are around daily. At least if they are somewhere else, you suffer LESS .
You will still be drug into many, many dramas even if he is somewhere else, and EXPECT him to have stints of when he can no longer mooch off his friends, they will all soon tire of him, and he will beg to come home. Finally, I had to tell my son- FInd a place, you can’t live here.(you can’t even imagine how that kills your soul say it) but you will soon have no choice as he gets older.
My son created, and had me “living” with chaos
all with such an easy, nonchalant manner about him. It seemed like he was all so “bored” with life, and was energized by screaming and causing a fight with me out of nowhere. Then after essentially taking my heart out, putting it into a blender, and then handing it back to me, he would incredously ask a “favor” of me- another privalege of some sort that he felt entitled to, as if nothing had happened!
If not out of sheer boredom, his rants had a pattern of manifesting at ANY time he didnt get his absolute way 100%. If I said yes you can use my car AFTER you take out the trash, it would escalate to almost violent proportions ,reducing me to shaking and sobbing OR going BALLISTIC from my own anger and outrage. He has laughed and mocked my tears of brokeness.
If he succeeded in making my head spin around with anger he would get a self righteous, nasty tone of “great example mom, this is why I HATE you!! You get angry over nothing, I ONLY asked to use the car!
Allowing them to “know” you is leaving your heart, soul, AND not to mention- all your valuables at risk.They will do what you despise or fear the most-When I told him how disappointed I was that he cursed around me, and that I refused to allow him to use that language toward me- he made a POINT to curse worse and worse, laughing mercilessly. My preference to safely keep doors locked certainly caused him to make a point to leave all doors open. It goes on and on.
Wisend, don’t feel guilty that you are better/saner/at peace without him. Enjoy the calm moments. Unfortunately, it usually is the calm b4 the storm. As u know, my son still manages to get my blood pressure up quite frequently. I still feel “obligation” to try to protect him, but he always finds a way to bash me for it.Take care of yourself, its a better investment.
Petra, Thank you for sharing your story with us.I can hear in your posts how brokenhearted you are with your boys. I agree with what I think Witsend said- it just hurts so much more when its your child. It cuts deeper. Like you, I have had a S husband, and now my 21 yr old son. I’d take the X husband over the child any day. As painful as it really was, my pain is not nearly as gutwrenching with an x. You work toward healing with an x, but what is it that we are working “toward” with our sons?
There’s no closure, no “getting over” him, no hopes of “I don’t think of him as often, like with an x. The worst is the ” I dont love him anymore” that will NEVER be with a child. At least with the x, we are granted the mercy of letting go of the love after a time. How DO we cope? I wish there were more articles isolating this situation.
Petra, I am proud of you for all the efforts you put into raising those children. You didnt do anything wrong. I believe , if they had a choice, your boys would NOT be this heartless and cold.Having no conscience is like a disability. Rather the S sees it or not. I grieve for my sons “missed” opportunities in life.
Sabrina,
Yes I know that you have felt that “conflict” within. And also that DREAD, the absolute dread of knowing that he will do exactly what I despise or fear the most.
Even when you don’t share with them what that might be. It seems he has the ability to “read into” that. And he can NAIL it every time.
And no matter how simple the task at hand might be….They turn it into a “making you crazy” situation. Such as you mentioned about the door locking/unlocking.
NOTHING, I mean nothing can be simple when it comes to him. If I asked him to simply hang up the phone so it will charge he will leave it stashed somewhere to die.
And because they are so adept at creating REAL crisis in your life, you don’t even use your energy to ask why the door was left unlocked (AFTER you locked it) or why the phone was found dead (after YOU hung it up) or any other thing that isn’t a major…Because you are always waiting for the real crisis to surface. And it always does. The shit ALWAYS hits the fan.
For awile my son was telling me I was going deaf….Claiming that he had answered me when I would call upstairs to him. (when he hadn’t) Or that he had told me something that he didn’t ever mention. Blamed my hearing.
It is EXHAUSTING. Not to mention how it plays on your emotions.
I can tell you that I haven’t missed the daily drama for one minute since he has been gone. Instead of holding my breath, I have again learned to breath & exhale, like a normal person.
My heart skips a beat every time the phone rings but I was even getting better with that. Until just recently.
Because of his age I am still in a stranglehold with this situation. I can’t just bolt the door shut, so to speak, in the legal sense. That is why the knot has returned in my gut….The chaos is about to come back.
Wits:
I can empathize with you.
I have 3 months and 18 days to go before age 18 and I don’t have to be responsible for the chaos, liability, lack of responsibility and downright neglect of others feelings and respect.
What you wrote about NOTHING being simple is so true and it is sooooo crazy making.
I have found now that I work my days around the child. If I ask him to prearrange a ride….his way of prearranging is to call and say he’s ready….If I ask to go to bed at a decent time…..2am is his idea of desent. If I ask him to shovel…..5 days later he makes an attempt and gives up because snow is too heavy…..
I can’t rely on this one for help….yet being a citizen in MY home, there are certain things I do expect.
and this is my mistake!
It’ll be easier when he’s gone….and now graduation is all but confirmed OUT! He managed to fail 2 classes this first semester…..putting him 5 behind ….to make up in order to graduate in June…..NOT happening….I can assure you.
I am so disappointed, heart broken and I just know…..the punishment of going to manipulate his father is coming….I just know this….
When i read Petras post about how her boys hurt her at the holidays….I see myself in this position soon enough.
Sabrinas posts about her kids…..
I think he thinks he will be able to punish me and ‘get back’ at me for cutting him off and if I need to kicking him out…..
He MUST learn how to opperate in a society climate.
It’s NOT about just HIM….but he thinks it is….Rules are everywhere….and NOT always for breaking dear!!!
He has this odd immature nature.
there is something I have not been able to put my finger on…..
There seems to be a gap in his reality and maturity.
I will give a simple example…..
Today….I had to BITE MY LIP!!!
He wanted to enter the HS talent show….
(a little history….he’s NEVER followed through with anything, yet wants to be the best at everything….so this translates into getting the outfit du jour and this ends the effort to whatever it is he’s interested in at the ‘moment’) He does whatever it is for about 1 month……then stops and takes on a new interest….and goes obsessive over this new interest.
He’s done this his whole life…..since he was little…..
SO now…..I have encouraged him to do whatever he wants his whole life….and the past few years I have sat back and watched him, not jumped and ran and bought the outfits or gear he needs to see if this latest will stick! I had a mt. bike track built in my back yard about 8 years ago….he insisted….and we had the room and the landscapers were here doing other things, so I had them clear the course $1000. dollars…at his direction…..he’s used it like 4 times….after track was built, then he wanted a motorcycle…..uh, yeah…..NOT! He has thrown this in my face…..you NEVER support my passion! I coulda been a pro motorcross rider….yeah, yeah….coulda shoulda woulda…..If I HAD ONLY HAD BOUGHT THE GEAR!!! NOT! YOU WANT IT….. WORK FOR IT KID!
The one time I don’t comply….I get shit!
After that…..I STOPPED!!!! Now it’s up to him to purchase his own shit…..dance shoes, snowboard gear, ski gear, clothing, climbing ropes etc….and it all sits idle…..then he sells it for much less….hes’ like a pawn junkie…. makes me sick!!!
So….today…..the talent show….I’m thinking what the hell is he going to do…..Last night he got obsessive about playing his base guitar…..mind you…..he’s a beginner….and I’m thinking…..wtf??? Is he serious?
He’s 17, a beginner at base and he’s trying out for a TALENT show? I hate to sound negative……but by 17……I remember our talent shows where kids would play awesome piano that have played their whole lives, or danced ballet, really well…..or sang a beautiful song……Not a kid playing da, da, daaaa, da, da, da-da…….da, da, da…..da-da-da…..over and over…..That song we all know, and attempt to play if we ever get on a guitar…..the standard ‘chopsticks’ song for guitar.
He REALLY thought he had a chance to win the talent show…..
So…..here I go again….I won’t be the buzz kill……I’ll take him down and wish him luck and tell him to have fun and do his best!
Then he comes home….(predictably) ALL BUMMED OUT! Takes it out on me……the ‘easy’ one…..
He said they asked him to stop and asked him if he wanted to be a stage hand.
He was like….A STAGE HAND?????
shocked!
Of course, he said he was nervous and dropped his base on the way up and the E cord got messed up……
I’m thinking…..honey…..AIYaiYAi.
It was the bases fault……
Oh, yes….thats it…..it couldn’t be because you have just started playing and not put the effort in……and just because you own a base……doesn’t mean it get infused into you to play!!!!! Osmosis of guitar ownership.???
I DON”T GET THIS?????
What is it?????
Honest to god….what is it?
IS THIS NORMAL???? I’m thinking yes….but for a 10 year old!
I didn’t want him to make a fool of himself, with his ego being bigger than his talent on base…by far……but I bit my tongue….because it didn’t matter what I said….damned if I do, damned if I don’t….because he doesn’t view us on the ‘same team’. He doesn’t see me EVER trying to help him, guide him and wanting the best for him….
I get blamed for not listening…..unlike you wits…I haven’t been accused of going deaf…..YET!
This is where the tape recorder comes in handy…..
It’s like you can push rewind…..and it’s all there.
I’m tired of living with a 17 year old in chaos….EVERYTHING…..EVERYDAY…..is chaos…..
I know it’s gonna be tough in 3 months and 18 days….I have given him all I can…..and I just can’t seem to get over the choices he makes…..because I can see where he’s headed….HE CAN”T.
I’d love some advise on what it is…..why is there a short circuit in his reality.
If you talked to him, you’d love him and you’d think he was on track to graduate…..he’s got the charm and the talk down…..he’s a nice kid…..but he’s never telling the real truth……only his percieved truth…..which is POLAR opposite than his reality….
He still thinks he’s graduating….yet makes NO effort to kick it in gear and get what he needs to done. He’s 5 friggen classes BEHIND! Second semester of senior year???? What doesn’t he get?
I think he thinks he will get by ‘just because’.
So what do I do……I just don’t want this heartache….who would?
Petra…..lead me through……give me tips to avoid being set up by the heartache of my son……
I don’t tell him anything about my life…..hide papers etc….becasue I JUST KNOW….he will betray me with his father one day…..
When his father took them…kidnapped them, removed from school abruptly and moved out of state…..he was the one participating in the bad talk of me…..until it didn’t work…..and back fired…..HE was the kid who wouldn’t speak to me, and told me to stop faking it when he called and wanted me to ‘ship’ the dog down to him…..and i told him I didn’t wish tp speak to him about it as I had just received another radiation treatment and wasn’t feeling well and in isolation, he wanted the dog because it was the only thing I had left ……Just like his father…..he was going for the jugular! I WILL NEVER FORGET THIS! I was destroyed by the effort!!!
So……this changed my thoughts of him (child)…..and I knew what he was capable of…..and I NEVER thought he was….but that was my heads up.
So….how long do I let it go…..18 in May, no more school in June……and I think he’s gotta go…..locks changed, give him the money I owe him for working the past few summers…..to get him started and see ya! He doesn’t work, doesn’t help out much….without MAJOR, MAJOR delay and drama…..
There is no way he can make it on his own….and he’s burned bridges left and right…..and I guess it is what TOugh love is all aobut…..the tough part is on me.
He won’t be taken in with chances……You give and he takes….and he makes sure you give first and all you end up with is an IOU. Which never occurs.
Wits…I agree…it is sooooo exhausting!!!!! I am afraid that the same thing will happen as when i booted his father…..once son is out….I will get sick again……like a detox from the stress of living like this…..
There are times where he’s great for the most part…..but if I have any expectations of help or being a man…..forget it!!!
Wits….I think of you often……
Sabrina…..I appreciate your posts…..
Petra…..I see myself in your shoes very soon!! And it scares me to go through the pain of losing a child….in order to ‘protect’ my own feelings.
Ladies….what the hell can we do?????
I would be fine if he wanted a relationship with his father…..HIS relationship….NOT one based on control over me…..betrayal of me……to gain some sort of sick relationship that will end in sorrow with the both of them anyways…..AFTER MY SON BETRAYS ME…..and the pain is there…
I have to mentally prepare myself for this…..cuz it’s gonna get bad in 3 months and 18 days!!!! AND COUNTING!!!!
Sorry….that was loooonnnggg……just upset and coming to a head!
You fight and fight and fight to protect them, raise them well and ALONE….and they shit on you????
What’s up with that…..
They’re kids!!! OURS!!!!
Gem….
OMG….I cried when I read your story about laying down next to your daughter as your tears fell…..
I could so relate to that! It is just like digging a knife in when your hurting and treated so very calously.
And I’m sorry for your confusion and numbness….at times we feel strong….and others we are just so confused….Two steps forward, one step back…..
We just gotta try and sneak in a few extra steps forward so we are that much ahead of the grief…(with strength!) when it’s time to step back…..
I am so scared for what I just know is in my future with this child……I DON”T WANT THIS FOR HIM!!!!!
I DIDN”T RAISE HIM TO BE LIKE THIS……
He’s not a bad person…..but to me he can be so horrid at times…..
I told my gf that OMG….what would he be like if I wasn’t around and he was raised with his father…..
I remember holding my son and crying and he rubbed my back and wiped my tears…..now he looks at me and has called me a ‘C*nt’….and told me I’m a worthless person….
A FUCKING WORTHLESS PERSON……He’s just damn lucky to have a mother like me….I have given him way too much of myself…..
Gem…..this is why….WHY everyone says to concentrate on US…..because we give so much to others and get shit on, left or nothing…….
If we don’t give so much, then we are NOT so shocked when we are left….
But it’s much harder with a child…..It was the only way I knew how to be a mother….give it my all…….but I do believe I gave too much…..
I think a child like this one would have been better off being left alone like a latchkey kid……and having a mother more interested in herself and not home…..having to fend for himself…..
I homeshcooled them, traveled with them, taught them lessons, spoke to them like valued citizens/children with value and worth, conversed with them, showed them less fortunate, volunteered with them and taught them compassion…..
MY GOD….when I was sick, I would crawl to the microwave and lay on kitchen floor and heat up some dinner, when HE decided to arrive home from youth group……and crawled back into my bed and he would come in and eat it in my bed and chat…..CRAWLING! I would crawl to my car and drive to his bike races and sit in my car because I couldnt get out. I took him and a date to the military ball…..an hour away and took them to dinner (as I sat in car)…..PAID for it….got his date flowers…..rewrapped them……AND waited for dance to be over while I froze in a friends trailer in the snow for 4 hours……as I am sick as hell…..I had just had 2 strokes and it was a week before I was hospitalized for 2 weeks!!!!!
My ‘life’ couldn’t stop when I got sick…..Mothers lives NEVER STOP!!!!
And then we get shit on!
I don’t know…..this feeling is rivaling being married to the S.
I knew the shit was going to hit the fan once I knew he isn’t graduating…..and I am told I shouldn’t care….it’s his choice….
BUT IT”S PATHETIC!!!!!
I guess I am feeling like im in a ‘holding’ pattern…..
I want back my energy…..ALL OF IT…..and I feel like he is robbing me!!!!