A man in the U.K. stalked a woman and her husband for years. The couple decided to move away, and instead of abating, the stalking got worse. Eventually the stalker showed up at their door with a gun.
Read the entire outrageous story:
The stalker and the woman who refused to give in, on BBC.com.
Wife fights U.S. military for 10 YEARS for $500,000 insurance after her soldier husband cut out her benefits before parachuting to his death
Stalking. I was talking with a friend about stalking not too long ago. I said to my friend that even though my spath is not pounding at my door (yet) I feel stalked. I feel that my life is not my own. I feel smothered. She said that she would feel the same way I do given my circumstances. Control and a warped sense of entitlement drive these types. What this woman’s story shows is the more you try to free yourself from the stalker the more the stalker views it as you playing hard to get and ups the anty. Moving away, calling the police and the like seem to get you more aggressive behavior. I told my friend that when I’m in a crowd or in a public place I often wonder how many of the people I pass are in some sort of involuntary servitude. The harder I try to get my divorce the more aggressive my spath gets. It’s as though my spath thinks, “I let you think for almost 2 years that you will get your freedom. Well we will see about that. And if you do get away you will lose everything you once found important-I will see to it and teach you a lesson.” For all those who were discarded by your spath and given your get out of jail card thank your lucky stars. For those who are being smothered, controlled and tortured by these sickos brace yourselves.
Indeed…..If you get a “Get Out Of Jail” card, you are lucky beyond all measure. When dealing with an spath, you do need to brace yourselves. It’s not a roller coaster ride anyone should ever be on.
My last ex gf was a total spath. I should’ve seen the signs before and during our relationship, but I did not. Did I kick myself? Absolutely.
For anyone having to go through this, be safe and good luck. You can do this…….
Jericho,
Sorry about the late reply. Hopefully your ex g/f has moved on. I know there are many who miss their spath. I used to be one of those people. Now I just miss the moments of calm the spath used bestow upon me now and then for my dutiful behavior/gearing up for the next attack. I just want my get out of jail card and be able to pick up the pieces and moveon. Stay safe is right, these types can and do make you physically, mentally and emotional sick of you stay too long.
No probs about the late reply 😉
I’m hoping my ex g/f moved on. 2-3 years later, after she cheated on me, she tried hitting me up on Skype. I know I blocked her, so I looked at the name/profile, and it was indeed her, just under a new name, so I blocked that one as well.
She even posted pics of her cheating on me. One of them was of the guy leaning against the car I paid for to take her home………
That get out of jail free card is a good thing. Picking up the pieces and moving on is not easy. It does get easier with time. Some can move on quickly. For others it takes time. Everyone is different.
You are correct when you mention the draining of energy the spaths do. It’s as if they feed off of your energy. Guess we should call them energy vampires…….lol….
Another fact you mentioned is the spaths making one physically, mentally and emotionally sick. I can personally vouch for that. Once mine left, I got better in all three areas, health wise.
Hang in there. I know you got this 😉
Can someone please tell me what a SPATH is?
Helen – Spath is short for sociopath.
becomingstrong,
For me obtaining a restraining order and having him served with the details of his abuse in written form on the summons including the teen porn I found on his phone was enough to make him go bye bye.
There is one thing these types fear and that is exposure.
I have not heard a peep from him since.
I know that this is not for everyone and I was scared as hell but I needed to do it to take my power back and show him I am done with his abuse.
XOXO,
Stronginthecity
Stronginthecity,
Thank you for your advice. I read on another forum about sociopaths/psychopaths that most will stick around in the “anxious” sphere/rung; however, once they move you into the next out rung, the panic rung, most will abandon their prey and seek new pastures. The theory being its too risky/dangerous/too much trouble for them to keep you there. My spath is very comfortable and has been for nearly two years of staying in the panic rung. He has been exposed as a wife batterer, heavy drinker, derelict to the court and the public, his public. He has shown that he cares less about the consequences he is facing and will face, with the likes of the medical review board, his employer and the like, than “getting me”. He has shown that he doesn’t really care about his job, his fake reputation and being unlicensed and even has shown he is willing to go to “prison” (his words). I have a rare breed in my hands indeed. Facing all this his recent move has been to file for custody of my last remaining daughter. A little girl who is very fragile emotionally, when at home cannot be out of my presence, who’se siblings and twin abandoned her, a girl who is deathly afraid is going to be taken away from me and I am all she has left that is good and loving towards her. A daughter he hasn’t called, wanted to see, sent a birthday or Christmas present to, declined all my offers to see her, in more than a year. The end goal is to destroy me and her, for loving me. If he has to lose all his trappings to do it he will. Yes a extremely rare breed indeed.
becomingstrong,
As I read your post my eyes got wider and then filled with tears.
I am so sorry you and your children are going through this with this monster disguised as a human being.
I have not been on LF regularly for awhile so I did not aware what exactly was going on.
This sounds incredibly stressful.
Stand strong.
He sounds like a very sick and disordered person.
Please stay safe.
XOXO,
Stronginthecity
Strong,
It is really comforting that I can come on L/F and find those who understand that there is nothing normal about these types. Nothing. There is nothing these types won’t destroy. This guy has a taste for the jugglar in his mouth. I stayed too long. He thinks if he applies enough pressure I will give in and go back. And if I don’t give in then he wins there too and he’s punished me by taking away my young daughter. Luckily, it is documented that he is a wife beater and a drunk. But he doesn’t care about that. He just cares about slinging enough mud against the wall and thinking something is bound to stick. I am prepared. Even the way I learned about the custody change-it was buried in some innocuous motion that his lawyer filed and didn’t send a copy to my lawyer, nor did we even know there was a scheduled hearing. The spath alerted me to this motion/hearing in a vile email to me and I informed my lawyer. What a sneak.
BecomingStrong,
Your P sounds like H G Beverly’s P. I salute your strength. When there’s no option but to deal with these characters we have to dig deep and if there’s any way at all, take time out. The time out gives us a chance to reassess. It might not give us any answers but at least it gives us a breather.
Thank you NoLongershocked,
I read a few of H G Beverly’s articles and the one where she talks about how P alienated her children with skittles really hit home for me. The subtle ways these P operate that go undetected until you wake up one day and you realize your children have been alienated. some days I wake up feeling to jet lagged I can barely get out of bed. However, I have my future life to look forward to, I imagine my new city and I see myself there, I’ve started looking into schools for my daughter. I am cautiously optimistic that we come out on the other side okay. I have started selling things to make this move possible. I always wondered why my spath had no interests, hobbies, etc…, I know I was his hobby, his sport, his fun.
Becomingstrong,
As I read your story, I realised how much I too related – particularly when you said he will stop at nothing and seemingly has nothing to lose. My story is basically a horror story. I still have yet to hear anyone (who is not dead) that matches it. For this reason, I have felt very isolated and I admit, desperate. My ex has stalked me and my daughter for 22 years. Letters, calls, threats, stealing mail and constant horrible letters sent to others (including pictures of me, topless). He says i am a child rapist and was in a sex cult… horrible things, just horrible. He tells anyone that will listen.
So we sought legal protection many years ago. he breached everything instantly. He eventually went to jail for a few months. Then he came out and did it again. and then he went back to jail. Then he came out and kept harassing me – worse. So after 6 years of this abuse, we changed our names and moved. This worked. while his jail stints lasted 2-4 months, this freedom lasted 12 years.
I cannot tell you how good it felt to sleep and NOT speak of him. Then last month on 27 June 2016, he found me. He found me through my university as Im now publishing my work and i had uploaded a small photo of my face to my latest paper. BIG MISTAKE. and now it has all begun again. All academics at my uni received emails of my breasts (from 22 yrs ago) and long rambling messages telling everyone about my supposed ‘sexually abusive past’ and details of how much of a whore I am etc. horrible lies. My daughter despises him so much i cannot tell you.
And here i sit. Court is due next week: another protection order underway. He is still writing his letters and will continue to try and ‘ruin my life’ until he dies (or I do I guess). I see exactly how this will play out. In Australia NSW, there are no specific stalking laws. Thus, police tend to wait for specific death threats or physical violence before acting. Then worse, the courts will sentence him to a few months jail. Not even long enough to really start sleeping well again.
My stalking journey has been horrible. I am 42 and just tired. I am also desperate. I dont want to run and hide again but know that i have no choice.
If you have any advice please please help. sometimes i wish someone (other than me) would just send him horrible messages or phone calls, just to show him how it feels, even in some tiny, lame way. He has public Facebook and the same name he was born with. He is not stalked. I have not had this luxury for 22 years. I can understand why mental illness is a problem for victims.
Helen
Dear Helen,
A spath is short for sociopath. There is a lot of research out there in the Internet some of it good some of it stupid-but start reading. As to your legal dilemma, I wouldn’t get too caught up in the technicalities of your statute. I would file my reports with the police dept. and I would push in writing for whatever you call your prosecuting attorney to be creative and do something. Australia is a common law country which simply means we invent as we go. He is a stalker through and through and the fact that so many years have gone by and that you had to take the extreme measure of changing your name and moving but once your identity became known to him, he picked up right where he left off. He didn’t skip a beat. He is a madman full of white hot rage. And capable of dangerous acts. You have a paper trail on him, new and old. File it with the authorities and let them tell you no. The most important thing is learning to live with this. Don’t want anything. Don’t want him to stop. don’t want other people to take up the fight for you. Don’t want to go back in time and wish you didn’t place the pic. Count your blessings in that you have your daughter on your side. Notify in writing the authorities at your university as to the history of this. Only talk about things you can document because he will sue you for slander and libel. Do not be the shrinking violet. And stand up for yourself especially in your own work place. But as you well know jail etc., is not a deterrent. So you have to give everyone an opportunity to circle wagons around you but whether or not hat happens he will continue to menace you. So knowing this start educating yourself on what you are dealing with. This education will help you in protecting yourself. It’s like knowing what the disease is and therefore what the treatment is. This is a great website and its place to land and not feel alone. And seems to be dominated by North Americans and Australians. There’s a lot to be learned here. Welcome.
P.S. Helen
Changing your name again I would think is not an option since you are published. And they want to harass you out of your life. But unlike my spath husband, your spath is low functioning. And crude in his methods. You are just going to have to devote some of your energy to keeping his head under water. Use your training and intelligence against him. You are going to find very few resources on how to battle this spath. Most online sites talk only about ‘no contact rule’, “going greyrock’. But as they say in the law, every case is different’ and I’ve had to take a different approach-a hybrid of sorts. For example, he has learned not to call me or write me because I have been posting his voice messages and his emails which are horrible on a Fb. This is was a Fb that which years ago when we were married and living together and while it was under his name it was our family Fb. He has tried to take me into court for “hacking into his Fb” but dropped his pleading because it was so wholly false. And my pleadings in rebuttal talked about how I had to post his communications on what is essentially my Fb for my own protection. I forced him into greyrock. My solution has been not to take his direct communications and to be very public about him on public forums. Now mind you, he is a physician with a medical license to protect. And while he stopped calling me and leaving horrible messages meant to scare me he has not provided one shred of discovery, despite multiple court orders so that I can divorce his sorry ass. This is called stalking. So you find the best way for yourself. I have found being public with him has served me well in many levels. Instead of his coming off as the mild mannered doctor working 80 hours a week to maintain an indelent greedy wife now people have the other side of the story. and they can judge for themselves. But being quite and hoping it goes away and taking it in the pants only invited more abuse. And the threat is that I’ll go down the tubes i.e.:, he’ll make up criminal allegations against me just like your spath did about you. I have a lot to lose as well. I hold several licenses. So my new tactic for the last year is if I’m going to go down so is he. Except he’ll go down on the truth. To some extent it has worked. For example, when I filed for divorce 2 years ago, he threatened me that he will tell everyone I knocked out his 2 front teeth. Which was a flat out lie. But that very much frightened me. But as I got stronger and came to understand what I was dealing with I just through his allegation out in a public forum, on his Fb. I haven’t heard a work out of him about it. And that’s because it’s proposterous. And unbelievable. But boy was I cowering in the closet when he first threatened me with it. Consider shoving it right back in his face. If he thinks it bothers you he’ll continue to do it. That’s his power over you. So act like it doesn’t-flick it off. Beat him to the punch. Also the topless photo of you I would use that as proof that he is a cad and wouldn’t flinch. In fact, who cares about your breasts but if people are going to care abt something they should care abt his sick mind.
Thanks becomingstrong – you are absolutely right about using hybrid approach. I too have found that ‘running’ or ‘not engaging’ seems to make him stronger and bolder. I may consider sticking around to fight it out. Also, regarding my publishings, my university has thought of a way of doing this (kind of phasing out the existence of one author, who will only be connected to my new identity via my own resume – which I carefully guard) so it is possible to assume a new identity.
regarding research, I know he falls between a rejected and a resentful stalker. I also know he has been diagnosed with various antisocial and delusional disorders. He is however, pretty difficult to ‘predict’ and has come up with some amazingly intricate/ delusional conspiracy ideas. I have been thinking lately about mental health sectioning and maybe trying to pursue that path as well as criminal. suing him has never been an option (nor him to me) as he has no money for a lawyer and no reputation to lose if I sued him.
Thanks for listening and responding – also great advice re just accepting and being OK.I am tempted to wish it wasn’t me or that i never met him… Also, I am toying with the idea of a stalking website (to tell my whole story) – I would de-identify everything, but he would know who he is and I’d scan and post put up every threatening letter he’s ever sent me & all our court documentations etc. That would be amazingly satisfying.
Thanks again,
Helene