Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following story from a reader whom we’ll call “Soundra.”
I met my now ex boyfriend on an online dating site; he contacted me; he was very attractive to me. We texted each other a few times and then he invited me to meet him at his place and then we would go out for a drink. Everything seemed great. He was so nice and gave me compliments and paid for our evening out.
We went back to his house to have a nightcap and he got me drunk. He tried to force himself on me. I told him that I was not interested in a one night stand that I wanted a relationship.
He continued to try to get in my pants. I tried pushing him away but he overpowered me, pulled down my pants and forced his penis into me ”¦ I was able to push him off before he finished his business and left out the door and went home ”¦
The next day he was calling me, wanting to see me again. He said he was sorry, that he was drunk and that he thought I was special and that he wanted to have a relationship with me, so I reluctantly agreed to see him again.
This time he drove to my house and I made dinner for us. He was so charming and told me I was FAR SUPERIOR to all the other women he had dated in his life… He made me feel special and I wanted to be with him. He had me so turned on and we had sex on the couch.
He told me he had to go home and could not stay the night because he needed to take his daughter to school the next morning and we lived about 1 1/2 hours from each other.
Over the next 8 months we dated, I spent almost every weekend at his house. It had an amazing view and was very close to the beach. I loved it down there. I always wanted to live by the beach.
He told me he was retired, even though he was only 46 y/o. He told me his parents owned a big company and they sold it and he got a big pa out. I believed him.
I was a very successful Realtor at the time and I was making 6 figures a year. I owned 2 houses, a duplex, horses, Corvette car, big Ford truck, horse trailer and land in the redwood forest that I was going to build a custom home on. So I thought I had met my equal at last…
I was so happy with him and I could imagine our lives together. He said that we would travel the world together and go in his motor home, ride his Harley Davidson and live an exciting life together, but I would need to move closer to him to if I want an exclusive relationship with him.
He convinced me that I did not need to keep the house I lived in and that he was going to take care of me for the rest of my life. I was ready to let go of my old life and start a new life with him, so I let my homes get repossessed by the bank because they where all upside down due to the economy, even though I could easily afford them. I moved to his area for a few months and we saw each other everyday ”¦
Then things started to change. He wanted me with him al the time. If I went back to my place he would show up in the middle of the night banging on the door accusing me of being with someone else, which was crazy.
I thought, wow this guy really loves me and can’t live without me ”¦ It made me feel loved ”¦
Until the next time it happened ”¦ He came and ripped the screen off the window came in and popped the tires on my beach cruiser, smashed my cell phone because he could not get a hold of me. Then he raped me and made me take him home.
He wanted me to move in with him, because he said that when I was not with him, he was worried I was cheating on him ”¦
So I did. I moved in with him and things got even worse.
His 15 year old daughter live there too. She was very sweet and we developed a relationship.
She told me that he did not love me and was only using me for my money. I told him and he said that she was lying, trying to break us up because she was jealous.
So I believed him. (In hindsight I wish I would of listen to her!!)
He became very controlling of me. I could not go anywhere without him knowing where I was going, etc. I was paying for all of our entertainment then he started making me pay all of the utilities and I was giving him monthly rent to stay there.
His daughter always looked like she had been crying and never came out of her room. When she did, he ordered her around and made her do everything around the house, clean, dishes, laundry etc. One day I could hear him in her room pushing her around. She came out and begged me to get her out of there and to take her to her mother’s house, so I did, and when I got back, he was furious with me.
He called the mother and wanted me to lie for him that he was not abusing her. I told him I would not lie for him and he kicked me in the shin as hard as he could. I left the house crying and went for a drive to get away from him so he could cool off.
When I got back I noticed the tires on my truck where flat. I was scared to go to the front door to get my cell phone that he had taken from me earlier. I called AAA to fix the tires and the police to get an escort to the door for my phone, because I wanted to go stay in a hotel for a while away from him.
The police came and they asked me what had happened. I told them and they said that they would have to arrest him for kicking me. It was domestic violence.
They took him to jail and I got my truck and left for a hotel ”¦ He was in there for 3 days, when he got out he said that he was very sorry and it would never happen again and that he wanted to make it right with me and that I should come home, so I did ”¦
Over a short time everything was good, then he started getting more abusive to me, calling me a whore and a liar. If I refused to do something for him, he would twist my wrist behind my back and make me go down on the floor until I would concede and do what ever he wanted me to do ”¦ If I started to cry he would get a big pitcher of ice water and dump it on me, then he would rape me ”¦
I was forced to have sex with him 3-5 times a day ”¦ make all his meals. I could not even take a bite of my food unless he had taken a bite first or he would throw my plate across the room and I would go hungry that night and have to clean up the mess ”¦
He became more and more violent to me. If I did not want to have sex in the middle of the night he would punch me in the stomach as hard as he could ”¦ then flip the mattress over on top of me and hold me down under it until I was ready to pass out from being squashed ”¦ then he would throw ice water on me and rape me, then he would go to sleep like nothing ever happened ”¦
If I tried to bring up the abuse he would act like he did not know what I was talking about and tell me I was crazy.
I walked around on eggshells for the next 2 years, terrified. I never knew what would set him off and he would fly into a rage and start abusing me by kicking me on the ground, punching me in the stomach, twisting my wrist until it was ready to break ”¦
He broke 4 of my cell phones during this time and my laptop computer because he would think that I was contacting other men to have sex with them, which was not true.
I realized that he was sick and twisted. But I did not find out until I started getting counseling behind his back that he was a sociopath and extreme narcissist.
I was terrified and did not know how to get out of this mess ”¦ I was too ashamed and embarrassed to tell anyone what was going on in my life ”¦ and I did not think anyone would believe me.
I could not believe that I allowed this man to control me and abuse me like this ”¦ I tried to leave him a few times and he would put his hands around my neck and squeeze telling me that if I ever left him he would hunt me down and kill me, cut me up in little pieces and put me in the septic tank at our ranch home where we kept our horses. He also told me the same thing if he ever caught me cheating on him ”¦
He cheated on me through out our whole relationship. He would always be online looking for girls to meet… He made me go to swingers parties with him so he could sleep with as many women as he wanted. It was sick!!
I never was with anyone… I did not want to be with anyone else… I hated it… finally I told him I would not go anymore. He was furious with me and strangled me ”¦ I could feel my life slipping away. I thought, so this is the way I am going to die???
Then everything went black!! I came to with a huge gasp of air into my lungs and I started crying, realizing that he almost killed me like he said he was going to do… my shirt was ripped open.
I do not know if he was trying to revive me or not. I crawled to the corner of the room crying and he went and got the ice water, then he raped me and fell asleep ”¦
A few weeks later he let me leave the house and I went to the police. I gave a report and they asked me why I did not call them. I told them he had my cell phone and he would not let me leave the house. They said there was nothing they could do. It would be my word against his and there was no proof. I was amazed ”¦ He tried to kill me!!! And they did not care ”¦ I don’t even think they believed me …
I felt like my life was over”¦ nowhere to go. He had drained me dry of my life savings, my credit cards where all maxed out and my business had failed, because I never got my calls or emails. He had taken everything from me that I had worked my whole life for.
I was 54 years old ”¦ he treated me like dirt!! And he never loved me like he said ”¦
I felt sick. How could I have been so stupid and let this man take advantage of me like this?? I could not understand what had happened to me. My self esteem and self worth where gone… I was ready to put my gun in my mouth and end the pain and embarrassment.
But I could not do it ”¦ because I was raised a Christian and I did not want to go to hell and I did not want him to win ”¦ I realized that is what he wanted most of all was to see me kill myself!!!
I was broke and he would not pay for food for me and my dogs ”¦ for the last 3 months we where together he starved us. I ate anything I could find to eat for me and the dogs ”¦ then there was nothing left in the pantry.
I always felt strange and could not think straight ”¦ I later found out that he had been drugging me and making porno pictures and video of me ”¦
The day I left him I was so week and had lost about 15 lbs ”¦ I decided that I would just load up my stuff in my truck and drive away. He let me go… I could not believe it. I thought he would try to kill me ”¦ but he did not even care. He wanted me gone. He had used me up and was ready to move on to his next victim to use and abuse.
I left with no money and a phone that had been turned off because he would not pay for it ”¦ I drove to the nearest shopping center ”¦ I sat there crying my eyes out. The pain was unbearable.
I hated him for what he had done to me ”¦ but all I wanted to do was go running back to him and beg for him to take me back ”¦ but I did not.
After a few hours a man came by and heard me crying. He asked if I was ok and if he could help. I told him I was broke and needed to get back home to my family. He gave me $40 and I put it in the gas tank and drove as far as I could away from him.
I got to a friend’s house and told her what had happened to me. She was shocked!! She said I was the last person that she ever believed that would fall into that kind of trap ”¦ But it was true ”¦
She loaned me some money and let me use her phone to call my mother who lived a few more hours away. My mother said I could come home until I could recover from the trama/drama that I went through and get back on my feet.
I have been living with my 84 y/o mother, who is on social security for the last 5 months ”¦
Since I left my abuser he has filed 2 false felony charges against me and I am being prosecuted by the D.A. He has made me a criminal and him the victim.
He knows how to manipulate everything in his favor. He has also hacked all of my email accounts, changed all the password so I am locked out of them, hacked my bank account and ran up some charges ”¦ put porno of me on a least 5 different sites that I have found out about so far ”¦
He has kept his promise to destroy my life. I can’t even work right now because of the licenses I have and the type of charges he has brought against me.
He is nothing but pure EVIL!!! I wish he would leave me alone ”¦
The police are useless. I have filed report after report and they do nothing ”¦ it is like they don’t believe me and don’t care ”¦
Every day I try to go on with my life ”¦ It is all I can do to keep my faith in God that someday it will all be ok ”¦ and my life will get back to normal. I am really struggling and just got approved to get counseling again to help me get me back!!
Donna Andersen comments
Soundra was date raped the first time she met this man, even though he didn’t finish the act. You might wonder, why did she agree to see him again?
Soundra’s response is not all that unusual for women who have been date raped. Some women respond to the assault by minimizing what happened or blaming themselves for drinking too much. And some agree to see the man again in an effort to psychologically gain control over the situation.
Unfortunately, Soundra did not recognize that she had been assaulted. And her reaction, which may have originally been a psychological defense, allowed the perpetrator into her life and eventually lost herself.
Soundra, please understand that this was not your fault. You were deceived, manipulated and abused.
Boston Marathon bombing survivor writes in-your-face letter to Tsarnaev
HUGE Hugs to you Soundra….this guy is PURE PURE EVIL!! I am so sorry that you experience his HELL. What a true nightmare of a story. I am so glad you found your way to Lovefraud and that your counselor told you the truth about this evil guy = he is a sociopath.
There is no doubt that this guy is a serial rapist using dating sites to lure in victims. A guy that rapes a woman on the first date did not put himself in the position unless he had done it before many times. There are other victims of his out there not just you just look at Cosby. I have read that serial rapist & child molesters have over 100 victims in their life time and all sociopaths have 100 victims of their con game.
He kept stating that you were “cheating” this is what sociopaths do when THEY are cheating. They blame shift to their victims to throw the victim off their cheating trail. My ex h did this all the time even in marriage counseling the very first day. I sat their in front of the counselor explaining that I would never cheat it goes against my principles but of course he wanted to plant in the counselors mind that I was not trust worthy and to justify his cheating. So sick they are.
The police are useless. But I think you should make an appointment with the FBI office in your city to discuss what happened to you. Not only is this guy a rapist but he is also a con artist stealing woman’s money but also he is breaking into your computer which IS a CRIME. And I believe that the FBI with cyber crimes. The FBI agents are trained to recognize sociopaths/psychopaths as those are the people that they are chasing so they will understand the hell you experienced for this guy via his pattern of behavior. I would suggest that you make an appoint & go to their office vs doing it over the phone which might just get back logged.
I did a quick search on the “FBI & personal computer hacking” and came up with this:
“Reporting Computer Hacking, Fraud and Other Internet-Related Crime
The primary federal law enforcement agencies that investigate domestic crime on the Internet include: the Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI), the United States Secret Service, the United States Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) , the United States Postal Inspection Service, and the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms (ATF) . Each of these agencies has offices conveniently located in every state to which crimes may be reported. Contact information regarding these local offices may be found in local telephone directories. In general, federal crime may be reported to the local office of an appropriate law enforcement agency by a telephone call and by requesting the “Duty Complaint Agent.”
Each law enforcement agency also has a headquarters (HQ) in Washington, D.C., which has agents who specialize in particular areas. For example, the FBI and the U.S. Secret Service both have headquarters-based specialists in computer intrusion (i.e., computer hacker) cases.
To determine some of the federal investigative law enforcement agencies that may be appropriate for reporting certain kinds of crime, please refer to the following:
Type of Crime
Appropriate federal investigative
law enforcement agencies
Computer intrusion (i.e. hacking) (Sandra google this on the net)
FBI local office
U.S. Secret Service
***Internet Crime Complaint Center**** (Soundra google this on the net)
Password trafficking (maybe this too)
Internet Crime Complaint Center
Internet fraud and SPAM
I would also recommend that you do a Background check on this guy via the internet including a criminal report (approx $25) and get his divorce papers from his county clerks office as you might find that his ex wife put domestic abuse info in those papers with will help you at the FBI office to build your case when first discussing this situation with them. Check with your local domestic abuse center about a restraining order the fact that he strangled you is a BIG RED flag of the level of danger I cant remember the statistics but abusers that strangle have a very high chance of killing their victims. As you know he IS EXTREMELY DANGEROUS. Protect yourself.
This evil man needs to be stopped!! Donna Anderson of Lovefraud has a life coaching program where you can talk with her via the phone (see the tab “Contact” “personal consolation” at the top of this site. She charges a fee but she maybe able to guide you on counter suing him to get your money back and just to get some clarity.
I want you to know that you are not alone anymore hon..we are here for you to vent & get support. Reach out to your local domestic abuse center for support to they have free counseling & free women group meeting that really do help in recovery. Plus they can help you with a restraining order.
Wishing you all the best. Take care.
Thank you Jan7,
For your support and guidance, I will follow up with all of the sources you gave me… this man is extremely dangerous and is still continuing to harass me, even though I got a 5 year restraining order against him recently, he keeps hacking into my email accounts, and making up more false police reports against me, I am living in constant fear that the police are going to come to the door and take me to jail because of his lies and manipulations, I keep making complaints with my local law enforcement and they say I have no proof so they will not do any investigation… I am bewildered and can not believe how un helpful the police are. It is no wonder that women die at the hands of these Spaths everyday. We need better laws to protect ourselves, It has been 6 months now since I got up the courage to leave him and my head is still spinning from the trauma and abuse I endured… I just thank GOD that I am still alive and as long as I am I will continue to fight for justice.
Soundra
What a nightmare they are…prior to leaving my ex h I respected the court system now I realize it’s a joke as there is no justice in divorce court because no one knows about sociopathic abuse. I attempted to do everything in my power for a quick divorce but my ex dragged it on for 4 years then the judge had the gull to tell me I was the one dragging it on, right then and there it was clear that the new judge did not read on motion or any paper work on our case. I was the one trying to negotiate and requesting the judge & lawyers to get me divorced my ex refused to negotiate and when he offered me a very low settlement I accepted because I just wanted him out of my life so I could heal he then took his settlement off the table because I accepted it. I can see the police being the same way.
Maybe check with your local abuse center to see if they work with a specific police officer or check with the “sex crime division”. There must be someone who gets who abusers.
In addition check with a different police station.
Check with Onemomsbattle. com as that site deals with court issues (even if you dont have children with him).
Take care
Here is the FBI cyber crime reporting link:
http://www.fbi.gov/about-us/investigate/cyber
Take your power back from this evil man.
Because of your prosecution case have a video deposition done on this guy & get a court ordered mental evaluation on him also contact Onemomsbattle. com to get direction on this see their facebook page also as their site has to do with all court case & you are not the first to be sucked into a court prosecution by a sociopath. I googled “revenge porn laws” this came up (check with your state laws about him posting pictures on those sites it maybe a crime too):
Revenge Porn: Laws & Penalties
Talk to a Criminal Defense Lawyer
Enter Your Zip Code to Connect with a Lawyer Serving Your Area
by Ave Mince-Didier
Currently, revenge porn ”“ the online posting of explicit photos of people without their permission, usually by exes ”“ is a legal gray area in most states. Advocates for victims argue that revenge porn is a form of harassment and an invasion of privacy and should be criminalized. However, in most states, revenge porn (at least where adults are concerned) is not a crime. But the legal landscape is changing and states may be moving towards criminalizing revenge porn. (To read about the legislative debate over revenge porn laws, see “Revenge Porn”: Illegal?)
Revenge Porn Websites
Revenge porn sites feature nude and sexual photos of people, mostly women, often posted by their ex-lovers. A number of different websites host these images. Many sites include identifying details, such as the person’s full name, employer, and hometown, as well as links to the person’s Facebook or other personal webpages, and nasty comments. Although some revenge porn sites have been shut down, new sites pop up all the time. Images can also be easily picked up by other websites, and content that is widely distributed on the Internet is difficult to remove. So, even if a person succeeds in getting images removed from one site, it may be difficult or impossible to get them completely off the Internet.
Isn’t That Illegal?
In most states, it is not a crime to post people’s photos or personal information online without their permission. However, some prosecutors have used laws against distributing pornography to go after people who commit revenge porn.
Targeted Legislation
Some states are starting to criminalize revenge porn, or are using existing laws to prosecute people who commit revenge porn. For example, New Jersey’s invasion of privacy law, enacted in 2003 (before revenge porn came to national attention), prohibits selling, providing, publishing, distributing, or otherwise disseminating nude or sexual photos of another person without that person’s permission. This law has been considered a model by advocates of criminalizing revenge porn.
California lawmakers recently amended the state’s disorderly conduct law to criminalize some forms of revenge porn (SB 255). Under the new law, it is a crime to photograph or otherwise take private, nude photos of another person and distribute the photos in a way that is intended to and does cause emotional distress; and revenge porn is punished more severely if the victim is a minor or if the defendant has previously been convicted. Critics have charged that the California law does not go far enough in helping victims, because it does not protect them from subsequent distribution of sexual self-portraits. Wisconsin, Georgia, and Florida have also considered legislation criminalizing revenge porn, although none of these states have passed such a law yet.
(Cal. Pen. Code, § 647; N.J. Stat. Ann. § 2C:14-9.)
Other Criminal Laws
In some states, it is a crime, often a kind of disorderly conduct, to take nude photos of people without their knowledge. However, while images that end up on revenge porn sites were almost certainly originally intended to be private, often the women themselves took photos and shared them willingly, or the partners took the photos with the women’s permission.
For more information on the crime of disorderly conduct, see our article on Disorderly Conduct.
Harassment is also illegal and, in many states, a crime. However, harassment laws generally prohibit a course of conduct, not isolated incidents, so harassment laws do not apply in many revenge porn cases.
For more information on online harassment, see our article on Harassment and Cyberbullying and Avoiding Criminal Charges from Online Behavior.
Child Pornography
While sharing naked photos of adults without their permission is not necessarily illegal, sharing any nude or sexual images of children under the age of 18 is considered child pornography. People who share such images can expect to be prosecuted, sentenced to lengthy prison terms, and ordered to register as sex offenders.
For more information on sharing child pornography, see Teen Sexting.
Criminal Penalties
In New Jersey, sharing explicit images without permission is punishable by three to five years in prison and a fine of up to $30,000. Under California’s new law, revenge porn is a misdemeanor, punishable by up to six months in jail, a fine of up to $1,000, or both. If the victim is under the age of 18 or the defendant has a previous conviction for revenge porn, then the crime is punishable by up to one year in jail, a fine of up to $2,000, or both.
(Cal. Pen. Code, § 647; N.J. Stat. Ann. § 2C:14-9.)
Civil Liability
Victims of revenge porn have filed civil suits against the people who have posted their private images and the sites that have published the images, based on claims of copyright infringement and invasion of privacy. However, under section 230 of the federal Communications Decency Act, owners and operators of websites are generally not held responsible for material posted by others on their sites. The law in this area may be changing as well to provide more protection for victims. In 2011, one federal district court held that section 230 did not apply to sites that invite the “posting of illegal materials.” (Jones v. Dirty World Entertainment Recordings LLC, 766 F. Supp.2d 828, 836 (E.D. Kentucky 2011).) So, in the future, civil suits by victims of revenge porn may be more successful.
GETTING HELP
Victims of revenge porn report being harassed and stalked by people who have seen their images online, and some women have lost their jobs or experienced depression. However, people have succeeded in getting their private images removed from websites (although this part can be challenging, given how easy it is for photos to appear on other sites). Information on how to do this and other steps to take if you are a victim of revenge porn can be found online at womenagainstrevengeporn.com and endrevengeporn.org.
Obtaining Legal Assistance
If you are charged with a crime as a result of revenge porn, you should talk a criminal defense attorney in your state. An attorney can tell you how your case is likely to be treated and what you can do to protect your rights and obtain the best possible outcome. If you are a victim of revenge porn, you may also wish to talk to a civil attorney who can help you get the photos removed from the Internet and possibly take other legal action. Also, consider contacting local law enforcement. California’s Attorney General, for example, asks that victims of revenge porn websites file a complaint at https://oag.ca.gov/contact/consumer-complaint-against-business-or-company.
I have problems believing this story for lots of reasons. But for the sake of argument, let’s say the story is true. I’ve got as many issues with the victim as the perpetrator for breaking all the rules. She met her online date at his home, returned for drinks there after their date, nearly got raped but resumes dating the guy, moves in with the dude after he breaks her window and cell phone, creates a scene and rapes her… It goes on and on. And now she’s living with/supported by her 84 year old mother.
I think first things first: Get back a livelihood, get her head on straight and get friendships. Taking up causes is time misspent until she has rebuilt her life.
Dear Viewpoint,
I am working on getting my life back in order, I go to counseling once a week, I have many great girlfriends and family who have been extremely supportive of me… But I have come to point where I refuse to be a Victim any more, that is why I decided to tell my story to get my power back!!
You sound like you don’t believe me… sometimes I don’t believe that this is what happened to me either… I don’t understand it (The power he had over me) No one can understand it unless it has happened to you too…
Soundra
Soundra
Just wanted you to know that when someone is inappropriate, you can and should click the link on that comment (Report this comment) and send a message to Donna. She will respond. (which I have done because Viewpoint has crossed the line.)
People might be UNintentionally insensitive because recovery can be myopic sometimes, but NO ONE is entitled to imply your story is untrue. We’ve suffered enough invalidation from our abusers. This is not a forum for anybody to take a potshot at you.
I know how emotionally invalidating Viewpoints comments are. Please ignore and know that others offer sincere care and support with a HEART.
You have a point, NWHSOM. I think my relationship with this website has run it’s course just like the relationships described by writers here ran their course. There’s a parallel between mine here and the stories here where the writer just got tired out from all the dirty/crazy business. And that’s what’s happened for me. It is for me to move on and leave people work through this stuff their way. So, I will with this final comment:
That somehow/someway it has to be gotten across somewhere to prospective victims that there are no exceptions to the rules of living soundly and well. Heart aflutter, loneliness, grand romance, sad story, etc. do not exempt us from being careful with our lives and selves. We are all we got. Who and what is out there do harm for the exceptions we take… All for the prospect of love.
There are exceptions though. There is the wanton, blatant disregard for other human beings, the scam, the pretend, where the sociopath creates an image, a persona that is validated not by just one person, but a whole community of people, whereby a sociopath captures the heart of the one person that a woman will NOT leave behind. Her own child. That’s ME.
And if there is one exception, there are OTHERS.
The only option for certainty to ensure that one lives with “NO exemption” and to be “careful enough” to not be ensnared by a predatory practiced trolling sociopath is to not allow love into our lives at all. Making sure to live our entire lives making NO personal connection to another person just in case the other is a sociopath? Just to avoid blame for being blindsided by a master manipulator? What a horrid life that would be.
I must apologize to you Soundra. I’m sincere about it. And I do wish you the very best.
Viewpoint, Like Donna stated it is very common for a victim of rape to return to the rapist because they feel that they were at fault ie drink to much etc and it is the norm for a victim of rape to NOT report the sex crime to a friend/police/etc after out of embarrassment/shame/confusion etc. Just look at how many victims of Cosby returned to his hotel room. Why? because he groomed them prior to the rape to accept his behavior just like someone online is groomed with words prior to meeting the sociopath this is why online dating is very dangerous as the sociopath knows exactly who to use words to manipulate the victim & change their brain chemistry. The sociopaths words are very controlling and they use brain washing & mind control to control & manipulate their victims even over the net.
All sociopaths are cult leaders who brain wash & mind control their victims preventing them from leaving. It does not matter if they have a large cult following or one person they are controlling the mind games sociopaths all the same.
I dont think it is appropriate to blame a victim of a sociopath on LF. If you feel something is off with a posted story send an email to Donna and ask her to further check the situation. The craziness of Soundra’s story IS what sociopaths do to their victims and this is why society does not support the victim because their stories seem so far fetch when in reality they are true.
Dont forget that sociopaths are con artist. It is also very common for the sociopath to turn the table on the victim and go to the police themselves. I was luck enough at the end of my marriage I escaped and drove across country for a safe place to live because deep down I had the gut feeling he would go to the police and lie to them because he knew I could have gotten him arrested on domestic abuse charges. Thankfully I listened to my gut because weeks later I was advised by my new counselor that I was married to a sociopath.
You are forgetting that a sociopath is EXTREMELY persuasive with their words and can twist everything around with pity play, gas lighting abuse etc to suck the victim back into their con game. They do not want to let go of a victim unless they have a new victim lined up.
Soundra is in her 50’s so her having a mother in her 80’s is about the right age her mom would have been around 31 years of age when she had her. It is common for victims of a sociopath to have to move back into their families home at various ages because the sociopath has left the victims life in utter upheaval. Most victims have PTSD which prevents them from having a job, getting an apartment on their own etc.
I also want to point out that a victim of abuse gets sucked into the “Cycle of Abuse” over and over because the abuser is “sorry” states “It will never happen again” etc. The Cycle of abuse includes the Honeymoon stage, the tension building stage, the abuse stage. This Cycle of abuse can happen hundreds of times in a relationship. I have been asked by my own family “Why didn’t you just leave him” to my replay because he was a cult leader who had me so brain washed & mind controlled I could not find the door out of my relationship even though I wanted to leave him ever day. If you were abused by a sociopath you would understand Soundra’s story.
Viewpoint, your post is exactly what society does = blames the victim instead of the abuser….you are picking a victims story apart…how about flipping it and asking “How did the sociopath manipulate her into the relationship & keep her in the relationship”.
As I said to NWHSOM, it’s for me to move on now. There’s ownership missing which is fine for the newbie but bothers me when missing from alumni. So, time to bid adieu… It served it’s purpose for me at one time but now it more rankles.
And that’s a sign to move on.
Viewpoint, WE ALL HAVE MAJOR REGRET when it comes to letting the sociopath in to our lives. Everyone here at love fraud has a long long long long list of regrets for letting the sociopath into their lives from the min they met them and for ignoring all the sociopaths red flags. No one needs a person to pick their story apart especially on LF, LF is a SAFE HAVEN for victims. Dont you think the victims friends and family have already picked their story apart which only pushes the victim emotional down more?
You dont think that Soundra (all of us) regrets letting an evil man into her/our life? All of us have replayed over and over and over in our minds what we could/should have done differently a million times. Soundra lost her good paying job to move to his town, she gave up her home to move in with him, she used up her bank account for him, she had no food for her our her dog and now she is living with her 84 year old mother at the age of 53….DO YOU NOT SEE HER REGRET IN HER POST.
YOU are forgetting the sociopaths are CON ARTIST!! They will suck anyone into their game and away from their gut reaction throughout the reactions. A victim is inside a tornado everyday. So you need to stop blaming the victim and instead turn your attention to the sociopaths manipulative behavior.
Where is your sympathy & compassion for her it seems to be missing and this is a big RED flag. Normally a poster will post a very support of post & similarities to their stories & encouraging words to lift up the person. NOT you instead sadly you have torn her down. She came here for support she bravely posted her story…this is not easy to do for a wounded victim of a sociopath.
There are NO guidelines to posting a story on LF, there are no rules that you must list your regrets & “take ownership” in your post. Soundra posted her story the way she wanted to posted it and most likely she had tears running down her face when she did.
I think your post name is a sad reminder that there are people on here that only want to bring people down with their “Viewpoint” instead of lifting them up with their “viewpoint”. I have read your other post and your “viewpoint” is harsh and clearly lacks compassion & empathy, instead you seem to get joy out of tearing people down by telling them your off “veiwpoint” on LF. I think it is wise that you “Move on” like you so stated.
To Soundra PLEASE PLEASE know you are welcome here and that you are NOT alone any more we will protect you and help you through your healing process. Come here for support & to vent more. It really does help for your healing process. Hugs to you!!
Viewpoint, the more I think about it you are blame shifting on to the victim and away from the sociopath horrible behavior…this is EXACTLY what my ex always did and he is a sociopath!
Where is YOUR “ownership” in how you treated a victim of rape badly on this site?
It seems to be lacking.
I feel the story was written very flatlined, being very factual ….like a person in shock. When I go over my story for my therapist or someone else….that is the same way I recount it. I don’t usually cry, get emotional, or talk deeply about my issues at the time. I recount my story very factual and most of the time there is little expression on my face. This helps me to recount it realistically and truthfully.
Many victims talk and write this way. We do it because we are in shock, and even after writing it down or talking about it, it still seems very surreal. Like…what the hell just happened? Did all this really happen to me?
She is not that far out. I doubt she is able to really start digging at the deep emotions from this. Especially if she has PTSD (and she seems a very good candidate for this!)
Also, she is still fighting her perpetrator. I am sure she feels she cannot let her guard down right now.
I feel she is very courageous to tell her story. Because of people who want to pick the story apart and find it unbelievable for some unfathomable reason. I know it sucks, but bad things really do happen to good, trusting people, and some people are just sadistic.
Dear Soundra,
Thank you so much for telling your story here! It has made such a difference to my life! After my divorce from a sociopathic ex-husband, I was very vulnerable and was asked out by a gorgeous, fun guy who treated me great for the first 6 months but then he started to do some of the things your ex did (the false accusations of infidelity, the love/hate push/pull, the checking up on me).
He also started saying weird things about filming, internet porn, and asking me things about the security in my building, whether or not my community would do anything if something happened to me, and my mother’s maiden name (which I now know is a common thing for identity thieves and credit card fraudsters to ask).
I started to suspect he was setting me up to steal money from me because I think he’d badly relapsed a drug habit. He had traits but I don’t think he was necessarily a full SP. What I understand from mutual friends is that he was once a nice, sweet guy from an upper middle class family who went downhill and began to act more like an SP due to the drugs. (People get more and more aggressive when cocaine/crack is the issue and apparently it can even change their character or make them go psychotic).
I ended up breaking up with him (after he broke up with me but reconnected a couple of times).
I didn’t have any great insight, but he was being nasty to me when I had to take care of some serious physical and emotional health problems of my own. So I just couldn’t let him interfere with my health care. I had also told him if he wanted to stay with me, he had to do his rehab, which he agreed to but couldn’t/didn’t follow at that point in his life. I’ve always regretted this and missed him, at times longed for him and what he and I once had. Then I order the book “Love Fraud” and discovered this website!
Love Fraud convinced me I was on the right track by healing, learning self-respect, and not dating toxic men. But doubts would creep in every now and again. I’d think “did I get it wrong” “did I make a mistake”?
Having read your post, I realized that I dodged the biggest bullet ever!!
Just to update, my exBF didn’t rape me or anything as severe as what Soundra went through. So I actually did own my own stuff, and apologized to the guy for HOW I broke up with him.
How? Well – I called him a bunch of nasty names when he was falsely accusing and ranting at me. I called him an &*^%$# arsehole. I told him it was over – because he was verbally abusing and accusing me when I was having an emergency cancer biopsy. Like I was really bedding tons of men at the time – lol. Anyhow, then I went NC.
I don’t agree with Viewpoint about Soundra. Viewpoint wasn’t there so how would Viewpoint know one way or the other? SPs really do some crazy things. One day I’ll tell you some stories about my exes that are actually funny in hindsight I can also tell you some that are terrifying and true (and verified by others, just sayin’ Viewpoint)
I do believe healing the childhood wound that got me into these difficulties in the first place, is up to me so I’m actively in therapy. Plus whenever I suspect I’m repeating old patterns, I read up on things here.
Now time for the learning, healing, hoping, still dreaming of a better future!
Cat >:)
I have received reports about Viewpoint’s comment above. However, I note that she has apologized.
Many, many women end up in situations like Soundra’s – they’re called battered women. They end up so psychologically damaged that they can’t get themselves out – and plus they are embarrassed because of what they allowed the abuser to do.
Soundra has shown great courage by sharing her story. I hope it helps other women in the same situation realize that they are not alone, and inspires them to seek help – even if it’s a stranger in a shopping all parking lot – to begin their escape.
Donna, I’m glad you responded to Viewpoint. I would not have been as dismissive. Yes she has apologized but I doubt this person has never really been a victim of a sociopath and therefore judges those of us, who have survived an evil sociopathic predator, as weak, stupid, lonely, sad, loveless, and destitute. Preaching a “get over it and get on with your life” attitude undermines the healing and education of this website.
Actually I’ve gone down the path of ruin not once but twice. When I shared the first doozy story with a sage type, he said to me: “You have a problem.”… Emphasizing the “you” to make it clear it was mine no matter who did what. And to my long weird wretched account, he said “Well, it wouldn’t play very well in Peoria” ie, it was incredulous and too incredulous to think my hand wasn’t in the sorry, gory affair. The message I got was my life wasn’t supposed to look like the jacket cover of pulp fiction and it was for me to clean it up.
Well, I didn’t agree until I’d done another circus. (Some of us need time; others of us are more thick headed and will do another round before we will call ourselves into question.) Hopefully, you just need time. .
I apologized for suspecting Soundra’s account. I read it again after she graciously registered my disbelief. And then I realized that it had actually been her “no hold barred” frankness that had caused me to doubt. She didn’t pretend it wasn’t date rape or that he had shown himself to seriously lose control. That’s unusual for a person opening up about her story. I now think that she’s farther ahead in her resolution than most of us get to be. I don’t think she’s ignored her piece in the nightmare. I have kudos as well as an apology for her.
I do judge actions as reckless. If we have been reckless, we have to recognize that before we can identify the ingredients that made us get reckless. You’re not hearing other judgments against writers, you’re hearing some of the common reasons we get reckless.
And you’re hearing that I’ve tired out of the whole business which is normal but not fitting for the site intending to let the burnt talk to their heart’s desire about their ordeal. So, it’s for me to “get on” to other things.
Viewpoint
The sage type may have said something sageful to you: That you (we) have a problem and that our lives are not supposed to look like the jacket cover a pulp fiction novel,(true!) and they ONLY person who can clean it up is the victim. (true!) But he seems to have left out that part about blame. And he seems to have left out the part where being HEARD and having someone acknowledge our existence is VERY powerful, especially after a life where our very beingness is hijack and systematically erased.
I am so sorry for what was done to you.
It wasn’t right.
It wasn’t fair.
It was terrible.
But it was NOT your doing, nor your mistake, nor your fault.
Seems the sage skipped some very important observances.
I do think that while Our abuse was NOT our fault, we are the ones who have to take action to “clean it up”. Every person here knows that. But there’s more that many people DON’T know.
We are Accountable for ONLY that which we had control over which was pretty darn little because a sociopath has an agenda and we only find out bit by bit, discoveries made in hindsight or after the fact. We NOT to blame for what was done to us by a perverted maleficent evil other.
We didn’t ask for it, we didn’t seek it, we didn’t want it. People who are traumatized in this manner have had their emotions and their reasoning and their sanity hijacked.
To recover and reclaim ourselves takes more than a determination whether we have been reckless or not. It’s near impossible to know when did things change from being okay to having our brains hijacked. Sometimes the hijack is momentary, likely no violence at all, then all is okay so we think we’re overreacting. For 99% of my adult relationships, the upset was resolved and no further drama ensued. But to blame people for not being able to discern that exact moment, that sign when life changed from safety to recklessness with a sociopath?
ONLY the sociopath knew when they changed that dynamic and it was done LONG before we knew it.
To escape a sociopath is only the first baby step, the mind is still hijacked and the way to recovery of our lost/stolen selves is through a terrible nightmare, fighting the nightmare every single baby step of the way. The recovery is as individual as each person is and is NOT a straight line. It’s done in pieces.
And sometimes part of the recovery of the “alumni” is to assert some recovery of dignity and self regard by supporting and sharing from the alumni “burnt” to the newly escaped. The newly escaped have a supportive resource in their own journey so that they don’t feel as alone and invalidated and shamed and blamed as was done to us over and over by evil sociopaths… that evil was done but that there is a huge worthwhile future that rewards going THROUGH the nightmare.
You’ve shared much wisdom Viewpoint. You are valuable for that alone. But it’s not a one way street. You have your healing as well. You deserve understanding, compassion, and empathy for your recovery journey as well as our gratitude for giving your wisdom. And I am VERY sorry for you to leave without having ALL of that.
Thank you for sharing your story, it is very similar to mine as well. The first time I was intimate with my ex he raped me as well, and I went on to date him for another 2 years. I felt like it was my fault, or I didn’t want to call it what it was because I didn’t want to be a victim, or I felt so unworthy of love that I chose to see it for something it wasn’t. I’m still not completely sure, and this is the first time I’ve admitted it was rape, but I not only believe Soundra’s story, I also completely understand why she went out with her rapist again after he raped her.
I’m so sorry for what you went through Soundra, I hope you heal and get justice for all he’s put you through and continues to put you through.
Marygrace – what courage to finally admit what happened! Good for you. I hope speaking your truth helps with your recovery.
Marygrace, I am awe inspired by your courage to come forward with your story for the first time. It takes a strong woman to do so. I too believe speaking your truth out loud with others will help you to heal further.
If you feel you need more support with your new revolution that your abuser raped you, I would encourage you to contact your countries Rape Crisis Center. This is their website in the USA, if out side the USA you go to this same sites “get help” tab at the top then scroll down to “International Resource” or you can google Rape Crisis Center with your countries name to get info for your countries center.
https://www.rainn.org/
Please know you are not alone hon we are here for you & there is a hotline for you to talk with a free counselor.
I just wanted to say THANK-YOU!! to everyone who has given me advice and shared their stories with me… It means a lot to me to be validated and my voice be heard. It was very hard for me to come forward and admit what had happened to me…the shame & embarrassment where very hard to deal with at first, but the more I tell my story the easier it gets and the less shame I feel and am able to realize that none of this is my fault, I was conned by a master manipulator a true SOCIOPATH!! Yes he took everything from me I worked my whole life for..but in the end he did not get to take my life!!! which I believe was his ultimate goal… so I thank God for that. Each day I grow stronger and I know that some day I will be happy again.
Soundra
Update… I just went to the mail box and my Xpath has filed more false police reports against me. I just got a notice to appear in court on more charges!! I do not know what this is for, as soon as I find out I will keep everyone posted. I just don’t understand how he is able to keep doing this, when every time he does something to me the police don’t even want to take a report, let alone charge him with anything… I did finally get a Restraining order against him, it took 2 months to get him served because he would not come out of his house. And he is still continuing to hack my email accounts and try to contact me on a dating site and make very rude comments to me which I just ignore.
Soundra
Sondra
Give me his address and I’ll shoot him for you – I wish!…
OMG I’m so angry at this man for what he did to you but I’m proud of you for finding the strength to leave and trying to make sense if it so you can move on and have a life.
Hugs to you xoxo