Shock. Total disbelief. Utter incomprehension. That’s what we feel upon finally realizing that when the sociopath cheated on us, blew through our money, twisted our emotions and messed with our minds, to him or her it was all just a sick, depraved game.
Sociopaths do not form emotional connections with other human beings. They do not experience love. They do not feel honor, altruism or concern for others. The words they speak and the actions they take have only one objective: getting what they want. To them, life is a game, and they want to win.
Game theory is a field of study that, according to Wikipedia, “attempts to mathematically capture behavior in strategic situations, in which an individual’s success in making choices depends on the choices of others.”
Sociopaths are often very good at games in this sense. They look at social situations, perform a quick cost-benefit analysis, and then act based on what will serve their interests. For example, a sociopath may evaluate a situation like this: “If I tell her that I love her, and promise to marry her, she’ll let me move in and give me money to pay off my back child support so the court will get off my back.” Notice there is no love, no concern for children. It’s all about a means to an end.
Prisoner’s Dilemma
According to game theory, many variables can affect outcomes in contested situations. For example, people are generally, although not always, assumed to be rational and making choices that benefit their own self-interest. It’s also important for participants to know whether another player in the game can be trusted, or is likely to be deceptive.
A famous game in this field of study is called the “Prisoner’s Dilemma.” Here, according to Wikipedia, is the classic scenario:
Two suspects are arrested by the police. The police have insufficient evidence for a conviction, and, having separated both prisoners, visit each of them to offer the same deal. If one testifies (defects from the other) for the prosecution against the other and the other remains silent (cooperates with the other), the betrayer goes free and the silent accomplice receives the full 10-year sentence. If both remain silent, both prisoners are sentenced to only six months in jail for a minor charge. If each betrays the other, each receives a five-year sentence. Each prisoner must choose to betray the other or to remain silent. Each one is assured that the other would not know about the betrayal before the end of the investigation. How should the prisoners act?
The choice, therefore, is between cooperation and defection. In studies, players have participated in a variation of the Prisoner’s Dilemma in which they earned points based on their choices. The possible outcomes were:
- If both players cooperated, they each earned 3 points.
- If both players defected, they each earned 1 point.
- If one player cooperated and the other player defected, the cooperating player got 0 points—the sucker punch—and the defecting player got 5 points.
Therefore, when one person cooperated and the other defected, the defector came out way ahead.
Reputation
Psychology researcher Linda Mealey published a paper in 1995 called The Sociobiology of Sociopathy: An Integrated Evolutionary Model. In it, she discussed another dimension of the Prisoner’s Dilemma game as it applies to real life. If the most rational strategy is to be selfish and betray, why would anyone cooperate?
The answer lies in reputation. If a player is known among members of a group to always defect, then no rational person will “play” with him or her. When a person has a reputation as a defector, that person will not have an opportunity for any kind of gain, cooperative or exploitative.
This is where game theory becomes useful in dealing with sociopaths. Mealey writes:
Sociopaths’ immediate decisions are based partly on their ability to ”¦ use those expectations of others’ behavior in a cost-benefit analysis to assess what actions are likely to be in their own self-interest. ”¦ The outcome of such analyses is therefore partially dependent on the sociopath’s expectations of the behavior of other players in the game. I would argue that an entire society can be seen as a player, and that the past behavior of that society will be used by the sociopath ”¦ to predict the future behavior of that society.
Like an individual player, a society will have a certain probability of detecting deception, a more-or-less accurate memory of who has cheated in the past, and a certain proclivity to retaliate or not, based upon a cheater’s past reputation and current behavior. Since the sociopath is using a rational and actuarial approach to assess the costs and benefits of different behaviors, it is the actual past behavior of the society which will go into his calculations, rather than risk assessments inflated from the exaggerated fears or anxieties that most people feel in anticipation of being caught or punished. Thus, to reduce antisocial behavior, a society must establish and enforce a reputation for high rates of detection of deception and identification of cheaters, and a willingness to retaliate. In other words, it must establish a successful strategy of deterrence.
According to Mealey, a society “must establish a reputation for willingness to retaliate.” This means increasing the probability of criminal detection, identification and punishment. And the retaliation must be swift. If there’s a long lag time between antisocial behavior and consequences—well, the antisocial behavior will continue.
Exposure
Mealey’s comments related to reputation square with what I have seen. Since our society hasn’t established a reputation for willingness to retaliate—the justice system is a joke—the only effective action to take against sociopaths is exposure.
The case histories section of Lovefraud, called True Lovefraud Stories, exposes the behavior of 16 different sociopaths. It works. I’ve heard from many people who came in contact with the predators, Googled them, found the Lovefraud stories, and dumped the sociopath. One woman, discovering what Bill Strunk was really all about, actually told him that he had a “bad reputation.”
Lovefraud’s goal for the future is to publish many more bad reputations. Hopefully, then, people won’t play with the sociopaths.
Dear Donna,
Thanks for posting this very interesting article.
Interestingly enough, my P son is the maddest at me for “ratting him out” to the cops when he was 17 for a theft (in which he used my car which he took during the night to haul the loot, as his only transportation was a stolen motorcycle.) He even blames my ratting him out for putting him in prison 3 years later for murder!
Of course in prison, any known “rat” is severely retaliated against, even up to and including being “shanked” (killed with a home-made knife).
The “funny” thing is, he is totally loyal to his prison buddies, but has NO loyalty to his own family. In fact, he knew his brother’s wife was sleeping with his ex-con friend, yet he was not angry at either of them for “betraying” his brother—yet, if the woman had been his, and sleeping with someone else, he would most likely have killed her (if he had a chance) just as he killed the young woman who “ratted him out” when they got caught in their illegal activities.
I think in my son’s case, it would depend on who the other “prisoner” was—if it was someone who was NOT one of his ex-convict buddies, he would rat them out in a New York minute, but he would NOT rat out a fellow because of fear of retaliation which I think is the only thing he “respects.”
Excellent post and very timely Donna – the only problem with individuals exposing sociopaths is that people around them don’t want to believe what they are … this site has cases with lots of evidence related to them so can be relied on as a good source of information. An ex of a sociopath trying to ‘out’ them may be seen as pathologically jealous and eating sour grapes about not being with the person anymore no matter how much they protest this is not the case.
It would be really useful to have a ‘guide’ to outing sociopaths – some general guidelines from people who have successfully exposed them in the past – but I suppose this is not really possible as every relationship and every sociopath is different so what is used as proof to out them would be different in every case.
Again thanks for this site and the work you are doing to raise awareness – it is so important.
I tried to expose my psychopath to our friends and tell them what he really did to me and I was surprised that some of them told me they believe me. I didn’t really expect that people wouldn’t believe me, but it’s true. I tried to warn his new girlfriend (he was with her the day after he texted me and broke off the year and a half relationship) but she wouldn’t listen. She thought I was just mad and jealous. It’s frustrating when people don’t see what you see.
Thank you for this article Donna 🙂
Framing the sociopath’s actions as Game Theory is an excellent way for us to gain some insight and understanding as to what we are dealing with.
I think one of the hardest things, if not THE hardest thing, for us to come to terms with after being played by a sociopath is how another human being can treat us so cruelly as just a disposable object. Everything that we experience that is out and out cruelty, does not even faze them because of their intrinsic lack of a core. This is why it CAN be a game to them.
As empathetic humans we can generally step into the other’s shoes. WE have a conscience. WE have remorse. WE have natural reasonable doubt. All of these things are NORMAL. Imagining how it would be to not have these things is darn near impossible. Thus, leaving us bewildered and also vulnerable to being fooled. When we think of their actions we naturally want to think of someone who MUST FEEL as we do. HOW could a human NOT feel ANYTHING when perpetrating the most despicable acts??? It goes against everything we understand about ourselves and other NORMALS.
It all comes down to this. It’s a game to them. They have as much feeling for anything they do to ANYONE in their life, as a person moving chess pieces around a board. I’m willing to bet the exSpath I was with, get an inner glee and smirked to himself EVERYtime he “pwned” me to his end.
Objectively and unemotionally seeing them in this light, helps me with my own rage at the perpetrator of abuse. It doesn’t take away my righteous indignation and drive to STOP every single one of these monsters in their tracks. It makes me feel less powerless. NOW I know what I am dealing with. I have the power to protect myself.
The other thing this Game Theory does is help to illustrate how the sociopaths operate. It makes them easier to spot.
Thanks, Donna, for this wonderful article and the lead to a study based on sociobiology.
I sometimes thing that we’re battling the terminology “sociopath,” and that might be possible to raise general awareness of antisocial behaviors by education about healthy communities or personal wellbeing in social contexts.
When communities were smaller this sort of thing was communicated by shared community standards. The industrial revolution broke up village life, and the mass-media and digital revolutions have made it harder to maintain a sense of community standards in the “real world.”
Churches have been consistent sources of social standards (mostly good), and government have been some kind of influence (but usually weak). I think that the common-sense wisdom that still existed in our grandparents time, though eroded by increasing commercialization and urbanization, may still exist, but it’s no longer part of the common currency.
I had an interesting conversation this weekend with a woman minister, now in her 80s, who grew up in Mayberry NC, and was a huge influence in my 30s. I told her about the five-year relationship with the sociopath, and she said, “It took you that long to figure it out?”
I reminded her about my incest background, and the fact that my chronic need for love and safety made me vulnerable to the “big sell.” And then my tolerance for abuse and insecurity made it easy to manipulate me when the relationship turned toxic. And she understood (and applauded the way I used the experience for my healing).
But she’s not the first person who’s heard any part of the story and seemed to know more than I did, before I did a lot of research, about what he is. I live an a rural area, and the people who grew up here as farmers or tradesman immediately identified him as a “user.” How simple is that?
This clear awareness about people we should avoid seems like something we could teach. Along with teaching about how important it is to stand up with each other against bullies. And to understand that another person’s suffering with the aftereffects of abuse doesn’t stop with them. That the social and personal costs just ripple out, and that stopping it at the source is a lot easier than trying to cure it later.
All this doesn’t address Donna’s focus on repercussions against abuser or users or whatever we call them. Sharing information to warn off potential victims, if we can, is a good thing. But it’s not always possible. I know, in my own case, I do what I can on a word-of-mouth basis, and continually upgrade my ways of talking about it in order to preserve my own credibility and avoid any legal issues. And depending on the size of the threat he offered — in terms of damage to other people — I might be willing to risk a lot to stop him, if I felt the situation was sufficiently important.
But ultimately, I think that the best solution is the kind of education that helps everyone name these people for themselves. To know the signs, to know the questions to ask, to have standards for judgment, and also to understand that all people who need help are not necessarily bad, and that help should be available. But that part of having a good life and good community is being responsible for ourselves and the quality of our groups. And that there are ways to speak up or to behave that can help keep our world healthier.
I don’t know if I’m too far out on a limb here. I don’t want to create a 1984 environment of social controls. I think there’s a fine line between teaching people to take care of themselves and stand up for what they think is right, and enforcing standards of behavior that do not accommodate the normal ups and downs of a life or an emotional system.
But I still think we could do better. If the nuns who taught me about being good in elementary school had also alerted to me to the fact that not everyone had my best interests in mind, I think I could have used the information to better understand what was going on in my world. And maybe to get through some hard times with more perspective and more understanding of the need to take care of myself at an emotional level.
I wish I had better ideas of how to create this kind of education. I think that the ideas are going to have to come out of expertise in childhood development, because the people who don’t know this stuff are probably a little emotionally retarded — as I was — and need to be taught, even as adults, a pretty basic level.
Maybe something like this: Bad people exist in the world. They may look attractive. They may offer you something you really want. They may make every effort to convince you they are sensitive, compassionate and care about you. In fact, they look like someone you could really trust. Which is why it’s good to learn how to take it slow. Enjoy people for what they are, but don’t get yourself into circumstances you can’t get out of, until you really know a lot about them. Your real friends are the ones who continue to care about you and treat you with respect. The people who don’t are the ones you don’t want to know.
I’m not sure that’s exactly right, but maybe it’s somewhere to start.
Kathy
Kathleen Hawk says:
“But I still think we could do better. If the nuns who taught me about being good in elementary school had also alerted to me to the fact that not everyone had my best interests in mind, I think I could have used the information to better understand what was going on in my world. And maybe to get through some hard times with more perspective and more understanding of the need to take care of myself at an emotional level.”
We can do better. I think part of the problem is the cultural mindset we’ve had for about the last 50 years or so, especially in the English speaking countries.
We used to not believe that everyone had some good in them. We used to have a healthy level of holding off trust until knowing someone new. We used to say, SOME THINGS ARE JUST UNACCEPTABLE. No if, ands or buts about it!!!
The way I see it, is that we collectively (as societies), donned some rose-colored glasses somewhere around the middle of the 20th Century (the timing seems ironic, coming right on the heels of the Holocaust). This was encouraged and backed up by academics and the media for so long that it became, generally speaking, the accepted view of things. Added onto this was a burgeoning moral relativism until now, we are at a place culturally that we seem to have lost ALL MORAL ABSOLUTES. I look at the popular television shows and some of the films of our current time and I see a world of moral anarchism.
I believe part of what has let many of the sociopaths flourish, and why we get blindsided by them, is that we’ve COLLECTIVELY lost these self protective and healthy boundaries, including PUNISHMENT for transgressions against moral absolutes.
If you CHEAT, If you LIE, If you STEAL.
YOU are WRONG!!! And you WILL be punished.
We are sorely lacking that currently.
This is an excellent article Donna. And excellent comments by Kathleen and lightsaber.
I’m happy to see the articles here on LF considering larger societal perspectives – going beyond “love” relationships. The major damage I’ve sustained in my life has been inflicted by P/S in spheres other than the romantic: at home and in the workplace.
I think there are three unidentified social policy/commerce elephants in the room (alluded to by both Kathleen and lightsaber) which complicate the application of game theory to society at large: globalization, marketing, and the influence of sociopaths on the creation of government policy.
Globalization essentially means that we now live in a new world – where any particular P/S/N has potentially 7 billion people to go through before their reputation catches up with them, instead of the small communities we used to live in. Included in that trend would be both out-sourcing and frequent corporate re-organizations – both require establishing new “baselines” – meaning that it becomes extremely difficult, if not impossible, to trend for behaviour/results over time. And I’ve found that the more corrupt the behaviour the more frequent the reorganizations/realignments. And without proof – concrete evidence over time – all you are left with is innuendo.
You could propose that the internet can counter that – it can get information out to all 7 billion people. And that is partly true. Until you consider the influence of marketing/mass persuasion.
I’ve been reading lately how marketers/advertisers use the techniques of cults/brainwashing/etc… to influence the masses and hide or distort the truth – and how that science has evolved dramatically over the last 50 years. What has stood out most strongly for me was how effectively and thoroughly it was used by the (alleged) P’s/S’s in my former organizations.
A friend of mine feels that most world goverments have been overtaken by psychopaths/sociopaths, and feels this has led to the erosion of democratic checks and balances world wide. And part of that trend is the almost addictive reliance by political parties on marketers. As a result public policy is increasingly written for the benefit of the few.
I should mention that my post above refers to psychopathy/sociopathy in organizations – not in individuals.
The influence of amorality/immorality was clear to me in the financial services industry (thankfully fairly restrained here in Canada by strong, effective regulations). What was less clear to me – until recently when the scandal(s) broke – was the possibility of psychopathy/sociopathy underlying the behaviours of several key executives in one of my former organizations (in the health care industry). They, and their organizations, have been all over the news here for almost a year for corruption/govt waste/etc… The scandal has brought down or seriously damaged several executives, board members, and government ministers. I knew something dirty was going on at the time – but I never saw the key players for who they were until they hit the news.
What excellent posts – great points here. Yes many of these brainwashing tactics are used against us by marketeers and advertising gurus – I mean how many of us buy anti wrinkle cream? We know in all likelihood it won’t work but those ads are so persuasive!
I think the sheer volume of advertising also causes one of the tactics we use in these sick relationships – selective inattention. If we couldn’t tune out some of the content that we are assaulted with every day, our brains would fry from overload! This phenomenon though enables the sociopath to slip bad behaviours, gestures and language under our radar.
Another aspect that contributes to these relationships is the chronic busyness everyone seems to suffer from these days. We are always rushing for work or engaged in professional development or keeping the house ridiculously clean (a few germs won’t kill us contrary to the opinions of those glossy home magazines!), cooking gourmet meals and trying our damndest to please these people. When they bring home disaster, we deal with it as quick and effectively as we can and then real life takes over again as the obligations pile up. If we had a few weeks of relaxing by ourselves to really analyse the situation, I think many of us would have decided to leave earlier – instead we forgive each transgression in the rush and bustle of life. And of course sociopaths ensure we are always broke dealing with the responsibilities they refuse to so there is never any money to take a nurturing break to consider the next step. I remember feeling very trapped on the roller coaster as each pattern would repeat over and over again. More chaos more dramas more pain.
We also have a global village view of the world now. People move around frequently for work and this enables sociopaths to camoflage themselves. It’s fairly normal now to encounter people who are far from home, disconnected from their family of origin and have few friends due to recent relocation. Some people are genuine about their circumstances … but how do we know which is which? It’s normal to not be able to check someone out among their family, community and friends – people are highly mobile and move every few years now – often suddenly.
There are no longer consistent standards that are held up for behaviour and relationships by society. Now anything goes – friends with benefits, married but cheating, threesomes, orgies, F buddies, discreet encounters … once upon a time there was boy meets girl, they date, fall in love and marry. Not so simple now. Also things that were once considered perversions are now thought of as ‘adventurous’ – golden showers, scat, dom and sub play, orgies… boundaries are blurred with all these changes. I think the explosion of internet porn has a lot to answer for. Many men think the image conveyed on those sites and magazines is real – the plastic woman who is always ready, willing and able with a moan escaping her lips. I am unsure whether men have pressured women to take on this role or whether women have done it willingly – afraid of not measuring up to the plastic women stripped naked and degraded in every way possible. Brazillians and bum bleaching are relatively new phenomena – a trend started by porn stars. I hate it. I hate the expectations and assumptions some men make. Some women in seeking to embrace ‘equality’ have become like men trying to get notches on their belt – I am not so sure this is an even deal for women. A subtle double standard still exists no matter how much men may protest they love their women ‘aggressive and forward’. And women become more bonded than men through sex and orgasm. Most women I know who have slept around have STILL hoped the guy would call the next day … and that they would somehow meet Prince CHarming between the sheets. Unlikely – more likely to meet Prince Harming.
Blurred gender roles abound too. And in this respect women still get the raw end of the deal. They are now expected to have a good education, a good career AS WELL AS raise the family and keep the home beautiful – mothering was once a fulltime job by itself – now it is assumed women can squeeze it in in the hours they aren’t at work. Studies on housework and unpaid labor still show women ahead of men by about 70% in the time they donate to keeping the family together and the home organised and functional. It seems very unfair to me.
When you add to all these elements very unstable long term relationships we have a recipe for disaster no matter how good the match in the initial stages of the relationship. Marriage is now not for life generally – it’s for as long as it’s convenient. I don’t refer to personality disordered partners there – for marriages with them there is no hope at all and partners are best to leave. But those with no disorder fail at equal rates too. Selfishness seems endemic in society now. Everyone is a narcissist!
And yes immorality in corporations is rife – the rich get away with tax evasion and get breaks that no mere mortal ever gets a chance at. They are able to play the game to win while the rest of us struggle to merely survive. Governments should be dealing with criminal executives extremely harshly to send a clear warning to others that money alone will not insulate them against justice. Instead they usually get a slap on the wrist while honest ma and pa savers lose their entire life’s work and retirement funds. Something is very very wrong here.
Hmmm. I like the idea of exposing these people. However, the Bad Man stole no money from me. I don’t know what I could prove except that I have heard from numerous other women that have similiar painful experiences with him.
I know that DDHM has one or more lawsuits against them claiming “defamation of charcter.” How will LF get around this? Will you only post perpetrators that have committed documentable financial fraud or poligamy (pls excuse my spelling).