Shock. Total disbelief. Utter incomprehension. That’s what we feel upon finally realizing that when the sociopath cheated on us, blew through our money, twisted our emotions and messed with our minds, to him or her it was all just a sick, depraved game.
Sociopaths do not form emotional connections with other human beings. They do not experience love. They do not feel honor, altruism or concern for others. The words they speak and the actions they take have only one objective: getting what they want. To them, life is a game, and they want to win.
Game theory is a field of study that, according to Wikipedia, “attempts to mathematically capture behavior in strategic situations, in which an individual’s success in making choices depends on the choices of others.”
Sociopaths are often very good at games in this sense. They look at social situations, perform a quick cost-benefit analysis, and then act based on what will serve their interests. For example, a sociopath may evaluate a situation like this: “If I tell her that I love her, and promise to marry her, she’ll let me move in and give me money to pay off my back child support so the court will get off my back.” Notice there is no love, no concern for children. It’s all about a means to an end.
Prisoner’s Dilemma
According to game theory, many variables can affect outcomes in contested situations. For example, people are generally, although not always, assumed to be rational and making choices that benefit their own self-interest. It’s also important for participants to know whether another player in the game can be trusted, or is likely to be deceptive.
A famous game in this field of study is called the “Prisoner’s Dilemma.” Here, according to Wikipedia, is the classic scenario:
Two suspects are arrested by the police. The police have insufficient evidence for a conviction, and, having separated both prisoners, visit each of them to offer the same deal. If one testifies (defects from the other) for the prosecution against the other and the other remains silent (cooperates with the other), the betrayer goes free and the silent accomplice receives the full 10-year sentence. If both remain silent, both prisoners are sentenced to only six months in jail for a minor charge. If each betrays the other, each receives a five-year sentence. Each prisoner must choose to betray the other or to remain silent. Each one is assured that the other would not know about the betrayal before the end of the investigation. How should the prisoners act?
The choice, therefore, is between cooperation and defection. In studies, players have participated in a variation of the Prisoner’s Dilemma in which they earned points based on their choices. The possible outcomes were:
- If both players cooperated, they each earned 3 points.
- If both players defected, they each earned 1 point.
- If one player cooperated and the other player defected, the cooperating player got 0 points—the sucker punch—and the defecting player got 5 points.
Therefore, when one person cooperated and the other defected, the defector came out way ahead.
Reputation
Psychology researcher Linda Mealey published a paper in 1995 called The Sociobiology of Sociopathy: An Integrated Evolutionary Model. In it, she discussed another dimension of the Prisoner’s Dilemma game as it applies to real life. If the most rational strategy is to be selfish and betray, why would anyone cooperate?
The answer lies in reputation. If a player is known among members of a group to always defect, then no rational person will “play” with him or her. When a person has a reputation as a defector, that person will not have an opportunity for any kind of gain, cooperative or exploitative.
This is where game theory becomes useful in dealing with sociopaths. Mealey writes:
Sociopaths’ immediate decisions are based partly on their ability to ”¦ use those expectations of others’ behavior in a cost-benefit analysis to assess what actions are likely to be in their own self-interest. ”¦ The outcome of such analyses is therefore partially dependent on the sociopath’s expectations of the behavior of other players in the game. I would argue that an entire society can be seen as a player, and that the past behavior of that society will be used by the sociopath ”¦ to predict the future behavior of that society.
Like an individual player, a society will have a certain probability of detecting deception, a more-or-less accurate memory of who has cheated in the past, and a certain proclivity to retaliate or not, based upon a cheater’s past reputation and current behavior. Since the sociopath is using a rational and actuarial approach to assess the costs and benefits of different behaviors, it is the actual past behavior of the society which will go into his calculations, rather than risk assessments inflated from the exaggerated fears or anxieties that most people feel in anticipation of being caught or punished. Thus, to reduce antisocial behavior, a society must establish and enforce a reputation for high rates of detection of deception and identification of cheaters, and a willingness to retaliate. In other words, it must establish a successful strategy of deterrence.
According to Mealey, a society “must establish a reputation for willingness to retaliate.” This means increasing the probability of criminal detection, identification and punishment. And the retaliation must be swift. If there’s a long lag time between antisocial behavior and consequences—well, the antisocial behavior will continue.
Exposure
Mealey’s comments related to reputation square with what I have seen. Since our society hasn’t established a reputation for willingness to retaliate—the justice system is a joke—the only effective action to take against sociopaths is exposure.
The case histories section of Lovefraud, called True Lovefraud Stories, exposes the behavior of 16 different sociopaths. It works. I’ve heard from many people who came in contact with the predators, Googled them, found the Lovefraud stories, and dumped the sociopath. One woman, discovering what Bill Strunk was really all about, actually told him that he had a “bad reputation.”
Lovefraud’s goal for the future is to publish many more bad reputations. Hopefully, then, people won’t play with the sociopaths.
Has anyone here ever played the marble game: “Aggravation?”
As children, when you wanted to “Bump” someone who was in the middle you would take your marble and slam dunk it hard at it and take it’s place. This space in the middle was always the space everyone wanted because it was the short cut and easiest and fastest way to get your marble home.
Well for me, I am sick & tired of my S woman “aggravating” me just because she wants to take the easiest way in life and she doesn’t care which “path” she chooses so long as she beats me in the end.
It is now the end of the game for both of us now. We both have all the marbles at home(save one) and each one of us only needs one correct roll of the dice to put our last man in home to win the game. It’s my turn and I just rolled the dice…Yes! The exact number I need to win the game! One, Two, Three..X marks the spot! I win! The last move is MY Move and I choose to remove her completely from my life! Euphorically, I made it first and still have all my marbles!!!!!
That is exactly what is going to happen if and when ol’ “Queenie” decides to call..she’s not calling all the shots from here on out. I am! And I have chosen to remove the biggest opponent out of my life for good. She sure ain’t worth the “AGGREVATION!” 🙂
Education and awareness, on all levels, is key.
Since Lovefraud launched in 2005, approximately 1,800 people have contacted me with their stories of being targeted by a sociopath. The phrase I hear most often is, “I didn’t know such evil existed.”
Lovefraud’s mission is to tell people, “Yes, evil exists, and this is what it looks like.” Annie brings up points about advertising and marketing influencing the masses. Advertising and marketing techniques are themselves neutral – they can be used to promote any message, including a message of awareness about sociopaths.
There are two parts to the effort – general awareness of sociopathic personalities and what they look like, and awareness of particular sociopaths. It is difficult for people to out the sociopaths on their own. I’ve always wanted to create a “con artist database”–many, many people want to stop the predators who harmed them from harming others.
This will have to be structured carefully. One way is to require legal documents as evidence of the predators actions, but this is not foolproof, because sociopaths often generate false arrests and false court documents about innocent victims. Weeding out the true predators will be sometimes be difficult, but I think it can be done.
Exposing the sociopath has been discussed on many of the forums here. I recently met with my sociopath’s most staunch supporter face to face. He is a man who she had a romantic relationship with when we were still married. She brought him into our family’s life solely for her needs when we were in marital turmoil. She sought him out because she needed a soft target to meet her needs because she felt I would no longer be the provider of those needs as our marriage was on its last leg. For over five years now he has been the loyal sycophant even though they are not supposedly romantically involved (she’s been involved and lived with another man now for over three years), giving her every bit of emotional support, and he steps in to parent my children when they are with her because she does not possess the parenting skills do it on her own.
He requested the meeting to return my child’s sweatshirt recently left at his home. He wanted to ask me why I don’t want him around my children, especially unsupervised. My answer was that he has a history of lacking discretion when with my children, he tells them things they don’t need to know about me and their mother. He seems obsessed with my family and has a hard-on for me because of the spin and lies told to him about me. I don’t feel it is healthy for my children to be with him, a man who wants so be a parental authority/influence to my children. Our parenting consultant and children’s therapist agree with me, yet they do nothing to stop this man from being with my children.
This meeting gave me the opportunity to voice my concerns about my ex. I provided him with clear and undisputed evidence that he had been lied to for years. He even acknowledged that he was aware of many lies. I never suggested she was a sociopath, that would be futile and make me appear obsessed, angry and hostile as she portrays me (the company line is I am still angry/hostile about her affairs and sought legal action to keep my children from her because I am angry ”“ just the opposite occurred). But with all the information I provided, he still idolizes this woman, feels he needs to help and protect her, and that he has a right to intercede in my children’s lives with regularity. His reasoning for being involved in my issues is that his children are close with my children. He was led to believe that I harass my ex with 8-10 email or text messages to her daily, among other things. The farthest thing from the truth, a smoking gun of all the lies he has been told to create his anger and hostility towards me.
To take it a step further, my sociopath moved 1,500 miles away a couple years ago. She lost her motion to move my children away from me. She visits my children frequently in my home state and she and my children stay with this man over those weekends almost every time she visits. She has court ordered parenting time twice monthly either in my state, or when circumstances dictate, flies them 3.5 hours each way so they can spend 2-3 days at her palatial estate. The time she spends with them is all about appearances, it is about having a party with the adults and leaving the kids to fend for themselves by bringing other children over they hardly know to keep them busy. Now, this man has told me that he will moving away from his own children (11 and 13) to the city/state were my ex lives (ex lives with current boyfriend). Its all going to be a bit party. I am shocked at the influence/power my ex has over this individual, and others. He said that he has witnessed how she has maintained her close bond and relationship with my children that she abandoned, so he doesn’t see why he can’t do the same. What a todie!
Bottom line, I made an attempt to expose her to him and I had the forum to do so. He would have none of it. Those who the sociopaths influence, those who feel that the sociopath has something to give them as charming as they are, will never want to open their eyes and think anything different of those sociopaths. They gain something from that relationship, it comes in many forms what they do gain. Don’t waste your time trying to convince the supporters otherwise, it will be fruitless and you will become frustrated and angry.
I just walk away from those past relationships that she has influence over, nothing I can show these people, that I can say or do will change their attitudes about her or me. She has told a whopper of a story about me, while portraying herself as the victim and doting mother.
Bob –
What an amazing story. Yes, some people are enraptured. That is a testament to the mind-control powers some sociopaths have.
My goal would be to have information about the predators available when others seek it out. These days, just about any time you meet someone, one of the first things you do is Google them. If they find information indicating that someone is a predator, they may bail before they get entrapped.
AKA Bob:
I can relate to your post above. I also come from a family situation where it has proven extremely difficult, even futile, to expose the sociopath.
People don’t care about being “enlightened” unless you can show how it affects them. Even then, it’s futile.
Let’s get real, people don’t care about anything until it shows up in their own backyard.
And, EVEN THEN THEY DON”T WANT TO SEE IT!
Speaking about the sociopath in my family (my brother’s wife), I would have to be as calculating at exposing her, as she was at hooking us all in.
Some of these sociopaths go to GREAT LENGTHS to make themselves “plausible” to society.
Some, like my brother’s wife, even hide under the veil of their profession (i.e. “nurse”, “police officer”,) in order to project the image of honor and trustworthiness.
For these types of sociopaths, it will take more than a day or a conversation to crack their veneer.
These are also the ones who become most vicious when you try to expose them, I think.
And, they usually have a lot to lose, like their children, their job, their home, huge amounts of $$, etc.
I have learned you have to be very patient when you are stuck with one in the family.
Trying to expose them all at once usually leads to a “kill the messenger” situation (even if you are right), and YOU will be the messenger.
It’s really not worth it. Trying to convince someone, even if it’s a family member, does not work out the way you think it will. It really is like dealing with an addict.
And, an addict has to hit rock bottom on their own. Then, hopefully things will change.
Until then, there’s really nothing you can do.
Public awareness is a different story, though. I think it would be a huge step forward if we could just convince the general public that a psychopath is not always a crazed serial killer running around on the loose. They can also be living right next door, or sitting in the next cubicle at the office, or drawing your blood at the Dr.’s office, or cleaning your teeth at the dentist’s office, or cashing your check at the bank, etc.
It would be huge progress if we could just get this one point across, I think.
Rosa your post is spot on. Especially the second parargraph – its so true. Even if you presented them with blinding irrefutable solid evidence of them themselves being abused they would deny it because they are in full dupee mode that is the mode the sociopath has spent its life getting people into, its a revolting expert at it, its what it does the same way it breathes. And yes, the messenger gets shot every time.
I have gone through the frustration of feeling like these behaviours needed to be exposed maybe part of my current anger is that I KNOW it’s futile. But ‘letting it go’ seems like a cop out – the best weapon is public awareness.x
Rosa:
Concur.
My aged S father and N mother are being bled dry by my conman brother. While there was one part of me that was of the school of thought of “Screw ’em. They deserve each other”, there was another pdart of me that was afraid that if he cleans them out, they are going to become my problem.
My partner told me that I shouldn’t delude myself — that my parents are perfectly aware of what my brother is doing to them. And that for whatever their reasons they are allowing it to go on. That said, there is no law that says I have to step in or get sucked in to this mess.
After the conman’s most recent stunt of blowing out my father’s credit card balances by transferring his debt onto my father and leaving my father to take the heat, I initially volunteered to run an investigation on my father’s accounts. I framed it in the context of discovering “illegal charges by charities.” My parents were reluctant. And then I realized the cold hard fact – that they know my brother is behind this. And once I uncovered this, it would be a case of “shoot the messenger.”
So, I am done paying for expensive repairs on my parents’ house. My initial thought was that I was protecting “my investment” since I’d be getting a portion of the property at the end of the day. Now I realize that any nickel I give to them is simply funneled one way or another to my conman brother. And I am damned if I’m going to finance him.
Almost 8 years ago, my ES was convicted of domestic violence. He spent some time in jail and then was on house arrest for several months. MY family posted bond and I was “evicted” from the family. Back and forth I went with this person, finally leaving another state to get rid of him. He was, and is, a drug user and that rules his life because he likes it (or else it would change) Fast forward to the past few months. Certain members of my family STILL see him as a person who is rehabilitative, he is arrested for stealing my debit card, taking it and using the money for drugs. Once again, my family is furious that I “did this to him”. They, once again, get his ass out of jail, spending hundreds of dollars needlessly. I’m the mean one again. In all of this, doubts are creeping in with my family. Jewely had previously come up missing, yet the didn’t want to point fingers. Well, gee, they had no problem pointing them at me.
Then comes the bomb: Christmas night, my family has a huge party. We open presents, have a wonderful dinner and just kind of finish off the Christmas festivities. He is invited to this. How nice and thoughtful my family members are. While everyone is having a wonderful time, he is methodically going upstairs and stealing the family jewels. Someone counted at least 4 times that he went upstairs and then went out to the car. There are even pictures of him that night, sitting there smiling and having a wonderful time! All the while, he is coldly, maliciously and without heart, systematically stealing from THE VERY PEOPLE who bailed him out.
And then the s*** hit the fan. Suddenly, their eyes are open and they see it for what IT is. It hurts. He is banned from entering anyone’s home, calling family members, the whole nine yards.
The above story points out that sometimes the best education in order that others learn is that they themselves become a victim. I cannot count the times I told them what he was and is. I cannot count the times I told him what he had done and no one believed it! What they now held in their hands was that indisputable evidence and it was painful to watch them absorb this. The good news is, I have several apologies and I now have some family support where he’s concerned.
Rosa; This is when their “enlightenment” became very important and you’re right, it wasn’t something they wanted to be bothered with until it was thrown in their face/
“Outing” one of these people is sometimes best achieved by letting them do what they do best, screwing others over. I can’t seem to find a way that I could possibly do this any other way. Believe me, I tried!
I DO believe exposing them is the quickest way to get them gone and it will definitely trigger their anger. I think that’s also why so many have shied away from exposing them. The punishment that is extracted on the person who “told” on them is brutal and I’ve had that as well.
Game Playing: I checked the links and very interesting.
In the last year since I went no contact with the ex/N/P?, we have had several brief contacts. ME wanting to make arrangements for “payment” of money I “loaned” him for a gambling debt. I had known him for 2 years and believed I knew him well enough that he would pay me back. He asked for a large sum of money and I had the money to “loan” at the time. I kept records, I gave him cash, he wrote me 3 checks ahead but guess what? Sob story from then on. He said I need more time, I lost money again. Oh, so now I find out he’s addicted to gambling but still no real reason I would ever believe it went as far as it did, that he wouldn’t pay me back. He has almost a six figure income, a good job.
This goes on and we are getting involved with each other more and more on different levels. Then he gets a DUI. So now we have what I knew was coming a DUI and Gambling problem.
Still, all along, he was going to pay me back. I believed him.
Five years I believed him and according to him I ended the “relationship” that wasn’t a relationship because he was going behind my back with another woman to an event and I found out and confronted him. I played a game. I put 2 and 2 together and told him he said some things when he was drunk. He blacked out (another big issue) so much by this time that I was willing to play him. I had had enough.
He fessed. I blew according to him and it ended. It ended for me. He thought I would keep playing and we had a meeting and he gave me “the new rules” and I said no. No I’m not willing to do any of this anymore and pay me.
He said he would. Yep, months pass.
Then I find out more than I want to post here because it’s too identifiable but he got more than ugly. I have it recorded, his admission to lies, the money, and the denial if I took him to court. How he would get his family and friends to say he needed nothing and that he would make me miserable and what a fool I would look like in court. I told him I didn’t care what I looked like. I wasn’t backing down at all. We made an arrangement at the end of the call to pay me X amount on X date.
Paid me twice after that on the agreed dates if I would just calm down, he’d pay.
Then, the best and last.
I was sick of everything out of his mouth lies. Everything. I can’t think of many sentences that contained truth. I was getting physically sick from thinking about the next time I would see him to get my money.
Then, he got worse. THE GAME WITH PLAYERS. He “had a friend” (read this as HIM) that would buy something from me. Okay, but it became obvious to me quickly who this “friend” was. I didn’t answer the phone. He made arrangements and then they would change. More and more obvious who the friend was. The last one I stomached and threw back up was when he left the following message.
Here is what he said:
I know you want to sell *blank* and I just want to let you know I really think “Joe” is going to buy. If not, Frank was willing to write a check today so if Joe doesn’t buy I know Frank is a PLAYER. I am closer to Frank than Joe and if I have to lie and tell Joe the item already sold I will because I’m closer to Frank. So, I’m sure I have at least 2 PLAYERS and maybe 3 PLAYERS. Give me a call.
Well, I was sick the entire weekend. I left a voicemail that I had sold the item. (I hadn’t but couldn’t stand the thought of dealing with him ANYMORE) because I knew he was playing me to get something for himself.
No calls followed to pay me anything. Then I called for payment. Lied to me again about no money. Truth is he lost the money gambling, well, he admitted that part.
I needed surgery and he felt bad of course he couldn’t help me out. (oh, by now I have lost my job).
No call the next month. I made a call to him and he didn’t answer but called me back and left a message to call him back. I called back but he didn’t answer.
Two weeks later (this has been 3 months ago now) I called him and told him of more serious medical problems I was facing.
I’m in the middle of this post and just can’t go on telling the nightmare.
Basically, he was devastated of my news, would call me the following week to check on me. Haven’t heard a word.
Mutual friend spoke to him 2 months later and he didn’t even ask about me. She knew what happened and didn’t bring me up…
I have a LSW I work with and still am having a horrible time moving on.
It’s getting easier but it’s a day by day struggle. It’s almost been one year since I ended it. Its been nothing but games and when he left the message that he had PLAYERS my stomach sank, my skin crawled, I knew what I was dealing with but it was getting the best of me. I couldn’t do anything but MAKE myself stay away.
I wonder everyday what happened and I have to answer myself with what I know is the truth, that I was manipulated and lied to. Doesn’t matter if he is an addict or psycho or anything I can name it, it is not healthy. Not healthy at all for me.
I feel compassion for him but I haven’t forgot what he did and I will never give him a chance again. I will get through this as I have been in two other relationships like this. I am working on ME and not looking for another man to validate me although I still long for the person I thought the ex/N/P? was. He existed for moments.
Thanks for reading if you got this far. I finally told my story and this is letting go of the relationship a little bit more.
If you’re new here all I can say is you have to do the work to stay away and the work on yourself to not let another person violate you. I lost my job because I exposed my management to HR but that’s okay with me. I was getting sick there too.
I woke up one morning a year ago and said NO MORE and I meant it. I didn’t know if I would make it this time. I was devastated more than before, lost more. Lost my job for exposing and chose to not continue a relationship.
I’m ending here as I keep writing and it makes no sense unless you’re me. Overload.
Keep no contact with people that show no respect, lie, cheat. Believe it when you see it. If there’s a pattern there’s a problem in this case. Stay away. Please stay away and get help to get through this, come here and read and believe though its difficult what you read here.
Again, thanks. I’m as my name says, sotired and need to let go of this for now.
It’s been months since I’ve loged in and read the articles and entries by everyone. This one in particular strikes close to home as the subject of game playing and exposing the S,P,N, which for me, it has also translated to mean exposing ME…his victim.
In my case, I’m the one whose been hiding from everyone since I took the NS back 5 months ago knowing what I was dealing with and played “the game” with the malignant optimism and hope that after cancer surgery he had miracuously recovered and this time he would be “normal” and my needs would be met. I was and continue to be vulnerable! I’ve been unempoyed now for 5 months and he came begging me back when he needed me for support for his prostate cancer. Reluctantly I took care of him, and in turn he helped me with some minor financial help. Not only did I get sucked back into emotional abuse, manipulation and control, but I’ve just about lost my house, and defenetly my dignity and self respect.
End game…. end exposure…. I’ve exposed him again and the results have been the same, his family and “friends” look the other way, blame me for being too “big mouthed” and all my friends and family can say in disbelieve is “we told you so”!
I’m in unbelievable pain again as I have been used, abused, betrayed and discarded after 3.5 years of being “the only one”. I need Oxy’s iron skillet on my head for believing this time it would be different.
There is no wining in their game and exposing them is useless because no one can believe the awful truth from someone whos is viewed as successful, intelligent, charming and personalble. So often exposing them only leads to more pain for the victim who exposes herself in the process.