Shock. Total disbelief. Utter incomprehension. That’s what we feel upon finally realizing that when the sociopath cheated on us, blew through our money, twisted our emotions and messed with our minds, to him or her it was all just a sick, depraved game.
Sociopaths do not form emotional connections with other human beings. They do not experience love. They do not feel honor, altruism or concern for others. The words they speak and the actions they take have only one objective: getting what they want. To them, life is a game, and they want to win.
Game theory is a field of study that, according to Wikipedia, “attempts to mathematically capture behavior in strategic situations, in which an individual’s success in making choices depends on the choices of others.”
Sociopaths are often very good at games in this sense. They look at social situations, perform a quick cost-benefit analysis, and then act based on what will serve their interests. For example, a sociopath may evaluate a situation like this: “If I tell her that I love her, and promise to marry her, she’ll let me move in and give me money to pay off my back child support so the court will get off my back.” Notice there is no love, no concern for children. It’s all about a means to an end.
Prisoner’s Dilemma
According to game theory, many variables can affect outcomes in contested situations. For example, people are generally, although not always, assumed to be rational and making choices that benefit their own self-interest. It’s also important for participants to know whether another player in the game can be trusted, or is likely to be deceptive.
A famous game in this field of study is called the “Prisoner’s Dilemma.” Here, according to Wikipedia, is the classic scenario:
Two suspects are arrested by the police. The police have insufficient evidence for a conviction, and, having separated both prisoners, visit each of them to offer the same deal. If one testifies (defects from the other) for the prosecution against the other and the other remains silent (cooperates with the other), the betrayer goes free and the silent accomplice receives the full 10-year sentence. If both remain silent, both prisoners are sentenced to only six months in jail for a minor charge. If each betrays the other, each receives a five-year sentence. Each prisoner must choose to betray the other or to remain silent. Each one is assured that the other would not know about the betrayal before the end of the investigation. How should the prisoners act?
The choice, therefore, is between cooperation and defection. In studies, players have participated in a variation of the Prisoner’s Dilemma in which they earned points based on their choices. The possible outcomes were:
- If both players cooperated, they each earned 3 points.
- If both players defected, they each earned 1 point.
- If one player cooperated and the other player defected, the cooperating player got 0 points—the sucker punch—and the defecting player got 5 points.
Therefore, when one person cooperated and the other defected, the defector came out way ahead.
Reputation
Psychology researcher Linda Mealey published a paper in 1995 called The Sociobiology of Sociopathy: An Integrated Evolutionary Model. In it, she discussed another dimension of the Prisoner’s Dilemma game as it applies to real life. If the most rational strategy is to be selfish and betray, why would anyone cooperate?
The answer lies in reputation. If a player is known among members of a group to always defect, then no rational person will “play” with him or her. When a person has a reputation as a defector, that person will not have an opportunity for any kind of gain, cooperative or exploitative.
This is where game theory becomes useful in dealing with sociopaths. Mealey writes:
Sociopaths’ immediate decisions are based partly on their ability to ”¦ use those expectations of others’ behavior in a cost-benefit analysis to assess what actions are likely to be in their own self-interest. ”¦ The outcome of such analyses is therefore partially dependent on the sociopath’s expectations of the behavior of other players in the game. I would argue that an entire society can be seen as a player, and that the past behavior of that society will be used by the sociopath ”¦ to predict the future behavior of that society.
Like an individual player, a society will have a certain probability of detecting deception, a more-or-less accurate memory of who has cheated in the past, and a certain proclivity to retaliate or not, based upon a cheater’s past reputation and current behavior. Since the sociopath is using a rational and actuarial approach to assess the costs and benefits of different behaviors, it is the actual past behavior of the society which will go into his calculations, rather than risk assessments inflated from the exaggerated fears or anxieties that most people feel in anticipation of being caught or punished. Thus, to reduce antisocial behavior, a society must establish and enforce a reputation for high rates of detection of deception and identification of cheaters, and a willingness to retaliate. In other words, it must establish a successful strategy of deterrence.
According to Mealey, a society “must establish a reputation for willingness to retaliate.” This means increasing the probability of criminal detection, identification and punishment. And the retaliation must be swift. If there’s a long lag time between antisocial behavior and consequences—well, the antisocial behavior will continue.
Exposure
Mealey’s comments related to reputation square with what I have seen. Since our society hasn’t established a reputation for willingness to retaliate—the justice system is a joke—the only effective action to take against sociopaths is exposure.
The case histories section of Lovefraud, called True Lovefraud Stories, exposes the behavior of 16 different sociopaths. It works. I’ve heard from many people who came in contact with the predators, Googled them, found the Lovefraud stories, and dumped the sociopath. One woman, discovering what Bill Strunk was really all about, actually told him that he had a “bad reputation.”
Lovefraud’s goal for the future is to publish many more bad reputations. Hopefully, then, people won’t play with the sociopaths.
Hi Everyone.
Thanks so much for the support. I really wasn’t exspecting so much so quick.
I think to start with I have to accept that I have a lot of issues contributing to why I am happy to be in such a crappy relationship (low self esteem etc) as this is not the first time, Infact with the lack of violence in the relationship this one has is better than my previous. I am reciving help for these issues ”“ although I doubt it is doing much to be honest but at this point I am willing to try anything.
The other thing I feel I should say is that wether it’s because I am mad or just not ready I am not looking to end the relationship. I feel that he is all I have got and life pretty much wouldn’t be worth living without him. I suffer badly from depression and am just not prepared to do that to myself. I am determined to stick it out no matter what.
I also don’t think I would have to worry if I left him ”“ I honestly don’t think he cares about me enough to bother hurting me.
Things are still the same with us anyway ”“ he has been “away” for a while but is getting out in a few days and instead of looking forward to it I am now dreading it. He has pretty much made it clear that although I have done everything for him and all he has asked during the past 2 months he dosen’t want me around so much when he gets back. It always amazes me how he can jump from one extreme to another so damn quckily in the afternoon eveythings fantastic and its me and him against the world and by tea time he is screaming at me because I’m to clingy.
I guues I have just had a few realisations in the past few days of how NOT normal our relationship is, my friends all say I should be estatic at seeing him again but I’m dreading it cause I know what he will be like. They all laugh and joke at how i should “jump” him as soon as he walks in the door ”“ I laugh along but think to myslef no I will be checking everything is clean enough for him so he won’t kick off and start an arguement (surely I shouldn’t be like this at 20?)
He stresses me out so much and the sick thing he knows he does it, its like a game to him. Again just another reminder of how much he means to me and how little I mean to him.
Aeylah,
Welcome back. Im sorry your journey took you away and back into the depths of a dysfunctional relationship.
Dont be too hard on yourself. Many of us find ourselves on the Psycho See-Saw, until we finally jump off on put our feet down and propel them off!!!!
We learn and grow, make bad choices and eventually the only choice we have is to make good choices to protect ourselves.
Winning = NC. Letting Go. Moving On. Focusing on ourselves no longer wasting precious time on them. You are on the right path again and THATS ALL THAT MATTERS!! Again, Im sorry for your pain and losses, but I am glad you are back and getting on the road again!
Great article Donna
Exposing them is the only weapon we have to avoid others to be conned, manipulated and taken emotional and financial advantage by sociopaths.
I really would like to expose my ex-boyfriend, but I’m afraid if I do that on a web-site I can be accused of defamation. Even thought he doesn’t have the profile of the ones on “true love stories”, still is a sociopath with all the characteristics.
This is only a small picture of what he is:
He had LOTS of girlfriends
Had four kids with four different mothers
The biggest liar I’ve ever met
Verbally abusive
Biggest cheater “Cheated on me at least four times”
He uses his charm to get what he wants
Tried to lure me to get a mortgage over my house of $60.000 to pay for his depts. I was smart enough to refuse.
Try again to borrow money from me $12.000 to pay for his credit cards. He had five credit cards. I also refused
Declared bankruptcy and moved in with me and was living in my house for at least a year without contributing with anything. Behaving like “just his presence and sex was his contribution”
Uses and takes advantage of whoever crosses his path even his own family. There is more… much more about him”.
If God was not protecting me, today I would be the one crying with financial depts.
The emotional turmoil I’ve been going through now tells me that he is a dangerous sociopath. But he looks so NORMAL, so charming and polite and friendly, everybody loves him! How can I expose this guy without having any proof? So frustrating!!
Height of confusion
“I feel that he is all I have got and life pretty much wouldn’t be worth living without him. ”
Are you saying you dont have yourself anymore? Because when you realize you control and you make your own choices you will see life through different eyes 🙂 From what you shared.. the life you are choosing to live your life with him is a bit fearful and barely functional…
You can do anything by yourself. in fact with him not around if you have been suffering from depression… you have been doing so without him around. Please dont discount that he can be adding to /causing your depression symptoms by keeping him in your life.
You deserve to make sure that YOU mean the most to yourself first and foremost. Then you deserve to be treated with kindness and respect and it is not ok that you live in fear of an argument over way you clean/dont clean…or live being treated badly in any way.
You just have to decide when you’ve had enough and put all that energy you have in saving the relationship — into saving yourself and starting anew!!!
If you remove yourself from the picture and put somebody else in it – HE WOULD BE TREATING HER THE SAME WAY. ITS NOT THAT YOU “MEAN SO LITTLE TO HIM” – ITS THAT HE IS DYSFUNCTIONAL AND NOT WANTING TO CHANGE….for you or for anyone!!!!
What do YOU want for yourself? 🙂
learnthelesson,
Thank you so much for welcoming me back and helping me feel safe to expose myself again. I felt so embarrased to admitt that after all I know and read about these disfunctional abusive people, I knowingly let myself get sucked in again.
The “Psycho see-saw” is so hard to get off of..especially when it is a wolf in sheeps clothing and you are caught in a vulnerable cituation. You think you can “deal with them” for the time being.
My pain and agony is expanded by the fact that I still find myself un-employed and unlike other psycho’s that steal your money, this one used it as a form of manipulation to keep me hooked knowing I needed it. Nothing is worth the mental torture, the lies, the betrayl, combined with the escalating sexual abuse at the hands of someone who’s sexual addiction has been hampered by the resulting ED of a protate surgery.
I finally got off the sea-saw yesterday, and told him we were finished for ever. Of course his respond was “there will allways be “us” and this too shall pass”….I know he’ll probably be back and I know NC and letting go is the only way I can heal. In the mean time, I will try not to be too hard on myself while I weep and feel like a ton of weight is on my chest.
thanks again.
Aeylah
Rosa,
You hit the nail on the head, squarely”.
People don’t care about being “enlightened” unless you can show how it affects them. Even then, it’s futile.
Let’s get real; people don’t care about anything until it shows up in their own backyard.
And, EVEN THEN THEY DON”T WANT TO SEE IT!
My ex has charmed the pants off of people, my family, friends, co-workers, her managers, etc. for years now. Of course, my family is enlightened. She shot to the top of the corporate ladder early on, had a very successful eleven year career with a global conglomerate. Hob-knobbed with one of the most infamous/notorious and ruthless CEO’s in US corporate history ”“ guess who ”“ his book title is one word, his nickname. She was making well over $500K/year when she decided to fall in love with an overseas co-worker and scheduled overseas meetings away from our family to see him. After that discovery on my part, she sought out a job relocation/transfer to a new state. She moved ahead of me and our children to the new town five months before we moved. While she was alone in the new town, she began a new relationship (her “most staunch supporter” now). Just before we all moved to join her in the new town, our friends, neighbors and her strategic management team from the office she left threw us a big going away party. Only one couple new of her first affair, and no one including me knew about her current affair. How does someone like that allow for all these people to honor her under such false pretenses? That’s not really a question.
After the move to the new town, for the first time in eleven years, she was reporting to a woman manager, the local CEO of her division. She was terminated after 18 months for non-performance. My take?… She couldn’t charm a woman boss the way she successfully did with her previous male bosses, and those subordinates were not making her look like a star. Eleven years at a stellar career, upset by one female manager. Go figure. But of course, it wasn’t my ex’s fault, her boss was just an unbearable bitch. Her boss subsequently took over as CEO at another local fortune 500 company. She really must be a horrible manager (that’s sarcasm, people in my state don’t understand sarcasm or irony).
The point is, she has been fooling everyone for years. Everyone, and I mean everyone has drunk the Kool-aid. And since I hadn’t worked for years, I am a lazy bum and she is a victim and now continues to be successful at another high powered job in another new city. These believers do not want to open their eyes. She does something for them, makes them feel good about themselves, makes them feel important, makes them feel that they are privileged to be acquainted with her, throws parties and has them over, sends baby gifts, birthday gifts and graduation gifts to their kids, and of course, dresses my kids up in Polo for the annual xmas card photo, spends a great deal of money on the card and sends it to everyone she has met since high school (250+ recipients). She is known in my family and to others who know better as “The Christmas Card Mom” (among other things, the “cowbird”)
You just can’t change people’s minds, unless they are adversely affected by them. Accept it so you don’t have the anger, so you don’t drive yourself nuts. It’s tough, I know.
AKA Bob and Rosa
You are so right when you say…. ” People don’t care about being “enlightened” unless you can show how it affects them. Even then, it’s futile.
Let’s get real; people don’t care about anything until it shows up in their own backyard.
And, EVEN THEN THEY DON”T WANT TO SEE IT!
The anger and pain they cause us as a result of their charm, manipulation, exploitaion and superficialness dosent always work at extacting ourselves from these people, much less anyone else. I was adversly affected 3 years ago by my ex-S and after a long period of NC and thinking I was finally over the hump, I got sucked right back in again. They are masters at getting what they want, and they will sotp with no one. Even “enlightened” people like myself who’s allready been there and done that.
My ex-S has one of his old ex-lovers so bambuzeled as well that even after she was exposed to his ruthlessness she still thinks he is so WONDERFUL and GENUINE!
Go figure.
My X was always at least two plays ahead of everyone else.
I watched him play:
First he set the stage with his new victim [no matter who/what he intended to use them for…right down to the paper boy]…by offering them something they want/need.
2. Gain their trust from being so kind/giving/encouraging.
3.Hook them by them ‘owing’ him for his kindness [even if it’s only a few short words].
4. Pay day.
And he always worked his rebuttal out before the con went down. He knew the spin he would run if the con was exposed or he was unmasked.
*My first PX hub ‘walked’ on me and our two young children at a very young age. He wanted out of the child support and since he was a very bad influence/father regarding the children[too long to go into detail] I worked a deal with him to let him out of the child support if he would give up his visitation rights…which he had indicated to his attorney he wanted. After thirty years he was ‘forced’ to see his son which he had not seen since birth. What did he say: he began his spin, which apparently he had perfected with his family over the years, telling my son he ‘thought’ he was not his son and that was why he had not contacted him!! So….I told my son, “Ok, suppose that was so….1. Why would he not demand a paternity test? 2. What about our daughter that he has not seen in the same amount of time? My son went back with that….no response on the first question and regarding our daughter; said he was ‘forced’ into giving up his rights. Well, I figured as much, so I had kept all the attorney’s letters and one of them stated flat out that my X wanted to give up his child support rights as he wanted out [from] under the child support. Also, the divorce was granted to me on the grounds I presented. I had all of this still kept in a safety deposit box awaiting the day this would go down. I showed it to the kids and they had proof. My X’s stance: he disappeared again….NC.
Aeylah,
I sometimes fight with my current wife over contact with the ex. Ultimately, she is always right (current wife). I am not to be alone in person or on the phone with my ex. We as victims are like former alcoholics, gamblers or drug abusers, they somehow can suck us back in when given an opportunity, an opening.. NC is the best defense. If you have kids, keep most contact to written communications and always have a supporter with you when you have to be in contact. Never commit to an answer on the spot, tell the S that you will get back to them, and send a well thought out email as an answer.
AKA Bob:
“dresses my kids up in Polo for the annual Xmas card photo, spends a great deal of money on the card and sends it to everyone she has met since high school…”
My theory is that they use Christmas as a way to keep their mask firmly in place, and their veneer nice and shiny.
My sister-in-law sends out her annual “Christmas Letter”, filled with all the lies, distortion, and grandiosity you can stomach.
It’s a psychopathic literary masterpiece.
Like your ex, she sends it to everyone she knows.
She takes A LOT of pride in her “veneer”.
People in my family are starting to get wise to these Christmas letters (and her), though.
The main consensus among certain family members regarding the Christmas letter this year was (with a bewildered look on their faces), “Did you see that Christmas letter?????”
Bob, just so you know, I LOVE sarcasm!!! 🙂