Shock. Total disbelief. Utter incomprehension. That’s what we feel upon finally realizing that when the sociopath cheated on us, blew through our money, twisted our emotions and messed with our minds, to him or her it was all just a sick, depraved game.
Sociopaths do not form emotional connections with other human beings. They do not experience love. They do not feel honor, altruism or concern for others. The words they speak and the actions they take have only one objective: getting what they want. To them, life is a game, and they want to win.
Game theory is a field of study that, according to Wikipedia, “attempts to mathematically capture behavior in strategic situations, in which an individual’s success in making choices depends on the choices of others.”
Sociopaths are often very good at games in this sense. They look at social situations, perform a quick cost-benefit analysis, and then act based on what will serve their interests. For example, a sociopath may evaluate a situation like this: “If I tell her that I love her, and promise to marry her, she’ll let me move in and give me money to pay off my back child support so the court will get off my back.” Notice there is no love, no concern for children. It’s all about a means to an end.
Prisoner’s Dilemma
According to game theory, many variables can affect outcomes in contested situations. For example, people are generally, although not always, assumed to be rational and making choices that benefit their own self-interest. It’s also important for participants to know whether another player in the game can be trusted, or is likely to be deceptive.
A famous game in this field of study is called the “Prisoner’s Dilemma.” Here, according to Wikipedia, is the classic scenario:
Two suspects are arrested by the police. The police have insufficient evidence for a conviction, and, having separated both prisoners, visit each of them to offer the same deal. If one testifies (defects from the other) for the prosecution against the other and the other remains silent (cooperates with the other), the betrayer goes free and the silent accomplice receives the full 10-year sentence. If both remain silent, both prisoners are sentenced to only six months in jail for a minor charge. If each betrays the other, each receives a five-year sentence. Each prisoner must choose to betray the other or to remain silent. Each one is assured that the other would not know about the betrayal before the end of the investigation. How should the prisoners act?
The choice, therefore, is between cooperation and defection. In studies, players have participated in a variation of the Prisoner’s Dilemma in which they earned points based on their choices. The possible outcomes were:
- If both players cooperated, they each earned 3 points.
- If both players defected, they each earned 1 point.
- If one player cooperated and the other player defected, the cooperating player got 0 points—the sucker punch—and the defecting player got 5 points.
Therefore, when one person cooperated and the other defected, the defector came out way ahead.
Reputation
Psychology researcher Linda Mealey published a paper in 1995 called The Sociobiology of Sociopathy: An Integrated Evolutionary Model. In it, she discussed another dimension of the Prisoner’s Dilemma game as it applies to real life. If the most rational strategy is to be selfish and betray, why would anyone cooperate?
The answer lies in reputation. If a player is known among members of a group to always defect, then no rational person will “play” with him or her. When a person has a reputation as a defector, that person will not have an opportunity for any kind of gain, cooperative or exploitative.
This is where game theory becomes useful in dealing with sociopaths. Mealey writes:
Sociopaths’ immediate decisions are based partly on their ability to ”¦ use those expectations of others’ behavior in a cost-benefit analysis to assess what actions are likely to be in their own self-interest. ”¦ The outcome of such analyses is therefore partially dependent on the sociopath’s expectations of the behavior of other players in the game. I would argue that an entire society can be seen as a player, and that the past behavior of that society will be used by the sociopath ”¦ to predict the future behavior of that society.
Like an individual player, a society will have a certain probability of detecting deception, a more-or-less accurate memory of who has cheated in the past, and a certain proclivity to retaliate or not, based upon a cheater’s past reputation and current behavior. Since the sociopath is using a rational and actuarial approach to assess the costs and benefits of different behaviors, it is the actual past behavior of the society which will go into his calculations, rather than risk assessments inflated from the exaggerated fears or anxieties that most people feel in anticipation of being caught or punished. Thus, to reduce antisocial behavior, a society must establish and enforce a reputation for high rates of detection of deception and identification of cheaters, and a willingness to retaliate. In other words, it must establish a successful strategy of deterrence.
According to Mealey, a society “must establish a reputation for willingness to retaliate.” This means increasing the probability of criminal detection, identification and punishment. And the retaliation must be swift. If there’s a long lag time between antisocial behavior and consequences—well, the antisocial behavior will continue.
Exposure
Mealey’s comments related to reputation square with what I have seen. Since our society hasn’t established a reputation for willingness to retaliate—the justice system is a joke—the only effective action to take against sociopaths is exposure.
The case histories section of Lovefraud, called True Lovefraud Stories, exposes the behavior of 16 different sociopaths. It works. I’ve heard from many people who came in contact with the predators, Googled them, found the Lovefraud stories, and dumped the sociopath. One woman, discovering what Bill Strunk was really all about, actually told him that he had a “bad reputation.”
Lovefraud’s goal for the future is to publish many more bad reputations. Hopefully, then, people won’t play with the sociopaths.
Twice Betrayed: re your spath’s 4-part play.
girl, my blood cooled reading this. it’s simple and eloquent. I am going to start analyzing other peoples interactions with me, using this.
Towanda!
one step: I am glad you can use it..I know I do. I see them setting the stage and I watch closely for step 2……
I think my older daughter has one ‘grooming’ her…..
yes, the step two is where it’s at for one step, too. 😉
and i am sure the offers can be quite subtle, also.
One step,
I’ve been doing that Buddhist meditation, tonglen, since you told me about it, and I feel much better. Hugs!
Hopeful~
hopeful – YAY!!
I am really glad to hear that it has helped.
It works on complex and subtle levels; it is beautiful.
best,
one step
One step,
Super freakin’ yay!! Since I was whipping myself into a tizzy all week, it definitely helped me get a grip. 🙂 Hooray! Thank you, again. I appreciated that you took the time to help when I was freaking the f**k out.
Hopeful
well, that’s what we are here: Freaking the F**ck Out Busters!
😉
along with INST, I always got
“You’re making a big deal out of nothing”
lol….just after he sent me the MU (miss you) and the admition of sending it to 15 women, …..the A$*#E told me not to count on him Friday night because he had a dinner date with an ex-lover to “wright a wrong”…puke!
He said this with all the seriousness of a doctor and when I went ballistic, he told me I was “OR”=Over Reacting!
What about this one….
“You’re always dragging up ancient history.”
AND
“I’m to blame as usual” (this was said with a strong overtone of sarcasm and contempt.)
In exposing these fine citizens, I do not believe one can win the battle of public influence. They are just too good at lying and in their element in the arena of public influence, where we are not.
In my case I found evidence through a careful, extensive investigation and was able to document the forgery,insurance fraud, bigamy, co-operation for money from the real wife and children, and other bigamy cases. We searched the courts for other obscure cases and even put the fellow through a 3 hour deposition where he grew tired and slipped up and admitted under oath to Bigamy. It has taken a long time , but we now have the State bringing the case against him to remove his Insurance License and with the local DA to prosecute. Can we prove I was being poisoned with heavy metals and survived?….no, but the Motive and everything else is crystal clear and documented with paper and legal court documents. They are bringing him in on forgery and adding the bigamy etc to build up the case. I am asking for no remuneration in return and only wish to have justice served. All the authorities involved believe, he could eventually kill someone if he hasn’t already. He most definitely intended to put me out of business in my opinion and experience. I have His own signature to condemn his own self and fortunately, my case does not rest on a woman scorned or a bad relationship scenario but on court documented forgery and fraud. ( the courts absolutely LOVE paper!)
My anger comes from the fact that so many victims (there are 5 others in my case) won’t come forward to help with the case. I urge others to not just get yourself out, but to remember those who come behind you and invest yourself in warning others. Possibly you could study internet law and generate an inexpensive website. My site rescued at least one woman and her family because there was finally something negative about him when you “Goggled”.
Am I afraid…yes. Do I just want to move on and not be associated with something so negative? God,YES!, but I don’t want to get the phone call years later…”why didn’t you do something to warn others”……………I don’t think I can stop it all, but I have made it harder for him to operate and we are seeing this guy in big trouble now. I think of myself as “fighting for others who come behind me”. There will be many more………..this has been going on for a life time and no one has stood up to him in this way. How it all ends I do not know.
I do know I feel happy. I know the outcome is out of my control. I am happy because I am doing the right thing for a larger society that I am a part of. Why do people stay quiet? That is my Question. the sociopath is doing what he is supposed to do. He is what he is and functions accordingly.
I don’t understand why the others act like sheep?