Shock. Total disbelief. Utter incomprehension. That’s what we feel upon finally realizing that when the sociopath cheated on us, blew through our money, twisted our emotions and messed with our minds, to him or her it was all just a sick, depraved game.
Sociopaths do not form emotional connections with other human beings. They do not experience love. They do not feel honor, altruism or concern for others. The words they speak and the actions they take have only one objective: getting what they want. To them, life is a game, and they want to win.
Game theory is a field of study that, according to Wikipedia, “attempts to mathematically capture behavior in strategic situations, in which an individual’s success in making choices depends on the choices of others.”
Sociopaths are often very good at games in this sense. They look at social situations, perform a quick cost-benefit analysis, and then act based on what will serve their interests. For example, a sociopath may evaluate a situation like this: “If I tell her that I love her, and promise to marry her, she’ll let me move in and give me money to pay off my back child support so the court will get off my back.” Notice there is no love, no concern for children. It’s all about a means to an end.
Prisoner’s Dilemma
According to game theory, many variables can affect outcomes in contested situations. For example, people are generally, although not always, assumed to be rational and making choices that benefit their own self-interest. It’s also important for participants to know whether another player in the game can be trusted, or is likely to be deceptive.
A famous game in this field of study is called the “Prisoner’s Dilemma.” Here, according to Wikipedia, is the classic scenario:
Two suspects are arrested by the police. The police have insufficient evidence for a conviction, and, having separated both prisoners, visit each of them to offer the same deal. If one testifies (defects from the other) for the prosecution against the other and the other remains silent (cooperates with the other), the betrayer goes free and the silent accomplice receives the full 10-year sentence. If both remain silent, both prisoners are sentenced to only six months in jail for a minor charge. If each betrays the other, each receives a five-year sentence. Each prisoner must choose to betray the other or to remain silent. Each one is assured that the other would not know about the betrayal before the end of the investigation. How should the prisoners act?
The choice, therefore, is between cooperation and defection. In studies, players have participated in a variation of the Prisoner’s Dilemma in which they earned points based on their choices. The possible outcomes were:
- If both players cooperated, they each earned 3 points.
- If both players defected, they each earned 1 point.
- If one player cooperated and the other player defected, the cooperating player got 0 points—the sucker punch—and the defecting player got 5 points.
Therefore, when one person cooperated and the other defected, the defector came out way ahead.
Reputation
Psychology researcher Linda Mealey published a paper in 1995 called The Sociobiology of Sociopathy: An Integrated Evolutionary Model. In it, she discussed another dimension of the Prisoner’s Dilemma game as it applies to real life. If the most rational strategy is to be selfish and betray, why would anyone cooperate?
The answer lies in reputation. If a player is known among members of a group to always defect, then no rational person will “play” with him or her. When a person has a reputation as a defector, that person will not have an opportunity for any kind of gain, cooperative or exploitative.
This is where game theory becomes useful in dealing with sociopaths. Mealey writes:
Sociopaths’ immediate decisions are based partly on their ability to ”¦ use those expectations of others’ behavior in a cost-benefit analysis to assess what actions are likely to be in their own self-interest. ”¦ The outcome of such analyses is therefore partially dependent on the sociopath’s expectations of the behavior of other players in the game. I would argue that an entire society can be seen as a player, and that the past behavior of that society will be used by the sociopath ”¦ to predict the future behavior of that society.
Like an individual player, a society will have a certain probability of detecting deception, a more-or-less accurate memory of who has cheated in the past, and a certain proclivity to retaliate or not, based upon a cheater’s past reputation and current behavior. Since the sociopath is using a rational and actuarial approach to assess the costs and benefits of different behaviors, it is the actual past behavior of the society which will go into his calculations, rather than risk assessments inflated from the exaggerated fears or anxieties that most people feel in anticipation of being caught or punished. Thus, to reduce antisocial behavior, a society must establish and enforce a reputation for high rates of detection of deception and identification of cheaters, and a willingness to retaliate. In other words, it must establish a successful strategy of deterrence.
According to Mealey, a society “must establish a reputation for willingness to retaliate.” This means increasing the probability of criminal detection, identification and punishment. And the retaliation must be swift. If there’s a long lag time between antisocial behavior and consequences—well, the antisocial behavior will continue.
Exposure
Mealey’s comments related to reputation square with what I have seen. Since our society hasn’t established a reputation for willingness to retaliate—the justice system is a joke—the only effective action to take against sociopaths is exposure.
The case histories section of Lovefraud, called True Lovefraud Stories, exposes the behavior of 16 different sociopaths. It works. I’ve heard from many people who came in contact with the predators, Googled them, found the Lovefraud stories, and dumped the sociopath. One woman, discovering what Bill Strunk was really all about, actually told him that he had a “bad reputation.”
Lovefraud’s goal for the future is to publish many more bad reputations. Hopefully, then, people won’t play with the sociopaths.
to changed forever:
get discouraged but don’t give up. It took 3 years to pull together the case against my “shark” . be careful , be creative and wait. think “court criminal evidence” and keep your head working on any clue that will lead you to that evidence. where did he get the credit? did he forge another person’s name ? Has a back ground check shown anything? Get #’s and run searches to find other clues. We had to start a data base in excel and compare everything we could find and then the pieces started to come together. your guy may not have left a a trail, but I bet there is something out there. these guys believe they are above the law.
I wish you good luck ……YOU are NOT diminished by these guys ONE bit! They are the bad guys…not you. If nothing comes up ,move on knowing you tried and did your best. My guy could get off, even after everything I’ve proven. I just know I will always be at peace because I TRIED and did the right thing.
Contact – that is very brave of you to take on such a case. Most people act like sheep because they are either brainwashed or don’t want to believe such evil resides in a person who looks so normal. Read through the archives and you will find several posters who have successfully exposed these people for what they are …. and many more who can do nothing and watch as the sick person wins over new disciples. For many people – the urge to get even or get justice is subsumed under the need to get away, get on with life and forget what happened.
Welcome to the site if you are new here – please post some more and read through the archives – there are lots of wonderful archive articles that are well researched and shine a light on this type of person and the comments below show the journeys of the people who were once victims 🙂
Aeylah, one-step, Rosa & all,
I am copying and pasting all the letter phrases and what they mean. They all fit mine!
I LOVE IFMW…oh geez, the story of my ex’s life. Says it all.
Twice Betrayed,
Thank you for the 4 steps! Have copied and pasted those as well. As I look back over the my relationship with my ex, I can pinpoint all 4.
Contact, I commend you on what you are doing and I can’t imagine how hard this must be. It WILL pay off. Documentation of everything you find is the key and it’s clear you are a pro at this. My ex is going to court today for sentencing. He had stolen my debit card and used the money he took for drugs. IF I had not gone to the police and done something, this would not be happening. It wasn’t the first time he had done this, but for some reason, this was the time I finally said, ENOUGH! I have documentated everything since then. I have a restraining order against him. This man has skipped on so many crimes, I can’t even begin to count them. He most likely won’t receive that much of a sentence, BUT the court system now knows him and what he’s all about.
midlife,
I heard that line as well, always said with sarcasm. He wasn’t ADMITTING he was really to blame, he was really trying to flip the switch and get me to accept it. NOT.
changed forever,
Like the willow, we might bend, but we don’t break. This picture that I keep in my head has helped me through so much.
Hugs to all,
Cat
Dear TB,
Your “four steps” are almost ALWAYS the steps to “hooking” someone into owing them something. Good wisdom to know what is happening.
This is a Good analogy of our World today!
The people do not matter! It is only the end result of Greed that counts!
Does it take a demolition Expert to SEE that 9/11 was a countroled demolition of three steal framed and internally supported buildings? Never before or since have any building! Acted in this Manner.
But If the Powers that control the Media tell the masses what to believe , the masses are To mentaly LAZY to question Authority!
Look at the Bank Bail outs ! To BIG to Fail???????
If that does’nt scream Psycopathy I don’t Imagine what will!
Do the People getting those Bonuses look at their money and see the homes and the lives of the average person in their hand as a just reward? Looks like BLOOD Money to Me!
Wake Up America! Please
“a society will have… a more-or-less accurate memory of who has cheated in the past”
No no NO!! People do NOT, as a rule, keep track, either individually or collectively, and every sociopath know this; it’s part of why they’re so BRAZEN in their evildoings. Even VICTIMS tend to only remember a small part of what was done to them, and if the sociopath does some tiny little good thing for them they totally DISMISS the long record of mistreatment.
Just try convincing someone of the evil of a sociopath you both know by giving a list of their misdeeds; even if you can eventually prod the listener into remembering those misdeeds, their analysis will be that YOU are somehow in the wrong for keeping track and making an issue of it. If the listener wasn’t a witness to the misdeeds, they just plain won’t believe your accounts; they won’t believe that anyone can do so much wrong, but will instead believe that YOU are a liar and a troublemaker.
I think I posted this URL before, but it bears repeating; it describes the faulty way people keep track of the behaviors of others and how it benefits the evil ones:
http://omniverse.blogspot.com/2006_02_01_archive.html#113888602524588861
Dear Student,
I haven’t looked at your link yet, but what you say about our collective and individual memories is RIGHT ON!!!!!
It is like someone saying (this is not original from me, but can’t remember the source) “He is SUCH a nice guy when he is not robbing banks.” Or “Ted Bundy was a great friend when he was not raping and murdering those girls.”
I realize we ALL do less than stellar things, but it is also the number of bad things AND the patterns of intent, AND the gravity of the bad things that people do. There are some things and some patterns that NO amount of “good deeds” will “offset” IN MY OPINION. Seeing that, though, has taken me at least 3/4 of my life….there comes a time when the pattern becomes visible that we can’t focus on the “good” in that person, as the “bad” pattern outweighs any amount of good.
Good post. Thanks.
Most people also believe in the notion that there are 2 sides to every story, and the truth lies somewhere in between.
This premise favors the sociopath right from the get-go, because the degree of evil that a sociopath is capable of is marginalized right out of the gate.
And, the sociopath will present a VERY CONVINCING case for his/her version of things, with just enough truth sprinkled in for it all to seem plausible.
Throw in the fact that most people are uneducated about personality disorders, their resistance to recognize that such evil can exist in the first place, and the sociopath’s charm and ability to seduce their victims…….and you will find that exposing the sociopath is almost impossible.
For these reasons, I believe healthy-functioning people are at a distinct disadvantage when we try to present a case against the sociopath.
Looking back at my own experiences, and the dynamics of certain relationships, I am not really a fan of exposing the sociopath, anymore. Way too much work with very little pay-off.
The more I see, the more I believe that we are better off just getting out of the sociopath’s way, and letting him/her hang in their own rope. They cannot function for very long without a slip-up. They just cannot keep it together (at least not without the help of “supply”), and if they COULD keep it together, they would not be labeled as DYSFUNCTIONAL in the first place.
Dear Student,
I read your link and it makes great sense to me. thanks for posting it.
IN READING THIS POST ABOUT THE ‘GAME’, IT BECAME PAINFULLY OBVIOUS THAT FROM THE TIME HE AND I MET, I WAS JUST A PAWN IN HIS GAME THAT HE PLAYS…HOWEVER, I WAS NOT AWARE OF THIS UNTIL ABOUT 2 YEARS INTO OUR RELATIONSHIP.
THE FOLLOWING IS POSTED ON HIS MYSPACE ACCOUNT…AND FACEBOOK FOR THAT MATTER…ABOUT THE KIND OF PERSON HE IS AND WHAT HE IS LOOKING FOR…
IT PISSES ME OFF…JUST TO BE HONEST…TO NO END! IN MY MINDS EYE I CAN SEE PEOPLE (WHO DONT KNOW HIM OF COURSE) READING THIS AND SAYING ‘WOW…WHAT AN AWESOME PERSON!” HE IS REFERRING TO ME WHEN HE TALKS ABOUT LOVING WITH YOUR HEART AND NOT YOUR MIND…AND THE QUOTE “GOD HELPS THOSE WHO HELP THEMSELVES?” I SAID THAT TO HIM…ALLL…THE….TIME!
ENJOY!
I’m just a guy trying to do my best in this world. Live laugh love, right? I treat people the way I want to be treated and expect the same. I’m just looking at meeting new people on here. I’m a healthy mix of hopeless romantic and guy your mother warned you about so I can promise that it will never be boring. The people I know would say I’m a good man, I roll with the punches and give everyday my all. I’m a good father, son, brother and always try to be a friend a friend would like to have. I believe that when the chips are down you really find out who cares for you, who has your back, and you need to surround yourself with those individuals. Anything else you would like to know??? Just ask, i’ll tell you
Anyone of substance, with a story or joke to share… I would be open to all sorts of friends and or… I would love to find the right woman. But anyone who can’t allow themselves to open all the way up and really love need not apply because we will not mesh well. I need someone who loves with their heart, not their mind. I have no problem being alone and I am very comfortable in my own shoes, but it would be nice to have someone to share my time with, my kisses with, my heart with. God helps those who help themselves… I believe thats true. So if there is anyone out there looking for a real good man, lets chat.