Shock. Total disbelief. Utter incomprehension. That’s what we feel upon finally realizing that when the sociopath cheated on us, blew through our money, twisted our emotions and messed with our minds, to him or her it was all just a sick, depraved game.
Sociopaths do not form emotional connections with other human beings. They do not experience love. They do not feel honor, altruism or concern for others. The words they speak and the actions they take have only one objective: getting what they want. To them, life is a game, and they want to win.
Game theory is a field of study that, according to Wikipedia, “attempts to mathematically capture behavior in strategic situations, in which an individual’s success in making choices depends on the choices of others.”
Sociopaths are often very good at games in this sense. They look at social situations, perform a quick cost-benefit analysis, and then act based on what will serve their interests. For example, a sociopath may evaluate a situation like this: “If I tell her that I love her, and promise to marry her, she’ll let me move in and give me money to pay off my back child support so the court will get off my back.” Notice there is no love, no concern for children. It’s all about a means to an end.
Prisoner’s Dilemma
According to game theory, many variables can affect outcomes in contested situations. For example, people are generally, although not always, assumed to be rational and making choices that benefit their own self-interest. It’s also important for participants to know whether another player in the game can be trusted, or is likely to be deceptive.
A famous game in this field of study is called the “Prisoner’s Dilemma.” Here, according to Wikipedia, is the classic scenario:
Two suspects are arrested by the police. The police have insufficient evidence for a conviction, and, having separated both prisoners, visit each of them to offer the same deal. If one testifies (defects from the other) for the prosecution against the other and the other remains silent (cooperates with the other), the betrayer goes free and the silent accomplice receives the full 10-year sentence. If both remain silent, both prisoners are sentenced to only six months in jail for a minor charge. If each betrays the other, each receives a five-year sentence. Each prisoner must choose to betray the other or to remain silent. Each one is assured that the other would not know about the betrayal before the end of the investigation. How should the prisoners act?
The choice, therefore, is between cooperation and defection. In studies, players have participated in a variation of the Prisoner’s Dilemma in which they earned points based on their choices. The possible outcomes were:
- If both players cooperated, they each earned 3 points.
- If both players defected, they each earned 1 point.
- If one player cooperated and the other player defected, the cooperating player got 0 points—the sucker punch—and the defecting player got 5 points.
Therefore, when one person cooperated and the other defected, the defector came out way ahead.
Reputation
Psychology researcher Linda Mealey published a paper in 1995 called The Sociobiology of Sociopathy: An Integrated Evolutionary Model. In it, she discussed another dimension of the Prisoner’s Dilemma game as it applies to real life. If the most rational strategy is to be selfish and betray, why would anyone cooperate?
The answer lies in reputation. If a player is known among members of a group to always defect, then no rational person will “play” with him or her. When a person has a reputation as a defector, that person will not have an opportunity for any kind of gain, cooperative or exploitative.
This is where game theory becomes useful in dealing with sociopaths. Mealey writes:
Sociopaths’ immediate decisions are based partly on their ability to ”¦ use those expectations of others’ behavior in a cost-benefit analysis to assess what actions are likely to be in their own self-interest. ”¦ The outcome of such analyses is therefore partially dependent on the sociopath’s expectations of the behavior of other players in the game. I would argue that an entire society can be seen as a player, and that the past behavior of that society will be used by the sociopath ”¦ to predict the future behavior of that society.
Like an individual player, a society will have a certain probability of detecting deception, a more-or-less accurate memory of who has cheated in the past, and a certain proclivity to retaliate or not, based upon a cheater’s past reputation and current behavior. Since the sociopath is using a rational and actuarial approach to assess the costs and benefits of different behaviors, it is the actual past behavior of the society which will go into his calculations, rather than risk assessments inflated from the exaggerated fears or anxieties that most people feel in anticipation of being caught or punished. Thus, to reduce antisocial behavior, a society must establish and enforce a reputation for high rates of detection of deception and identification of cheaters, and a willingness to retaliate. In other words, it must establish a successful strategy of deterrence.
According to Mealey, a society “must establish a reputation for willingness to retaliate.” This means increasing the probability of criminal detection, identification and punishment. And the retaliation must be swift. If there’s a long lag time between antisocial behavior and consequences—well, the antisocial behavior will continue.
Exposure
Mealey’s comments related to reputation square with what I have seen. Since our society hasn’t established a reputation for willingness to retaliate—the justice system is a joke—the only effective action to take against sociopaths is exposure.
The case histories section of Lovefraud, called True Lovefraud Stories, exposes the behavior of 16 different sociopaths. It works. I’ve heard from many people who came in contact with the predators, Googled them, found the Lovefraud stories, and dumped the sociopath. One woman, discovering what Bill Strunk was really all about, actually told him that he had a “bad reputation.”
Lovefraud’s goal for the future is to publish many more bad reputations. Hopefully, then, people won’t play with the sociopaths.
robxsykobabe – somewhere here i read that therapy for S’s empowers them with more tools to abuse people. and caring for them and giving them our care obviously does, also.
i love breaking this kind of profile down – a bit short on brain power today, but here, for your reading pleasure:
I’m just a guy trying to do my best in this world. DON’T HOLD ME ACCOUNTABLE FOR MY ACTIONS.
Live laugh love, right? I’LL BE LAUGHING AT YOU, BUT I THINK THIS LINE WILL SUCKER YOU IN. YOU AGREE WITH ME, DON’T YOU?
I treat people the way I want to be treated and expect the same. INVOKING THE GOLDEN RULE ”“ I’M A ’VERY SPIRITUAL DUDE’
I’m just looking at meeting new people on here. ’CAUSE I HAVE ABUSED ALL THE OLD ONES AND DISCARDED THEM.
I’m a healthy mix of hopeless romantic and guy your mother warned you about so I can promise that it will never be boring. I HAVE A JEKYL AND HYDE PERSONALITY. YOU ARE GONNA SUFFER.
The people I know would say I’m a good man, I roll with the punches and give everyday my all. I AM PRETENDING TO HAVE FRIENDS. I ROLL WITH THE PUNCHES, ‘CAUSE I AM THE ONE THROWING THEM. (DUCK!)
I’m a good father, son, brother and always try to be a friend a friend would like to have. ALL THE DOUBLE SPEAK ”“ ’A FRIEND A FIEND WOULD LIKE TO HAVE’”SAYS *NOTHING*, BUT NOW I HAVE GIVEN YOU MY GLOWING CREDENTIALS. HMM, I FORGOT TO MENTION THE DOG….
I believe that when the chips are down you really find out who cares for you, who has your back, and you need to surround yourself with those individuals. I AM LOYAL AND I EXPECT YOU TO BE LOYAL NO MATTER *WHAT* I DO.
Anything else you would like to know??? Just ask, i’ll tell you. JUST ASK AND I WILL TELL YOU *LIES*.
Anyone of substance, *I* AM OF SUBTANCE ”“ (NOT SAYING *WHAT* SUBSTANCE….), AND YOU WILL BE FLATTERED INTO RESPONDING TO ME, CAUSE YOU BELIEVE YOU ARE OF SUBSTANCE, TOO.
with a story or joke to share” I WANT TO KNOW ABOUT YOU AND SPEND TIME WITH YOU. THEN I WILL STEAL YOUR STORIES AND JOKES AND USE THEM TO MANIPULATE SOMEONE ELSE.
I would be open to all sorts of friends and or” I would love to find the right woman. I AM HEDGING MY BETS ”“ WE’LL SEE WHAT I CAN REEL IN HERE.
But anyone who can’t allow themselves to open all the way up and really love need not apply because we will not mesh well. AGAIN, I WILL PLAY TO YOUR DEEP DESIRE FOR GREAT LOVE. I REALLY NEED YOU TO OPEN UP, ’CAUSE IT MAKES IT EASIER TO ACCESS YOU AS SUPPLY.
I need someone who loves with their heart, not their mind. I WANT THE COMPASSIONATE FOLKS TO CONTACT ME. I KNOW THEY HAVE A LOT TO GIVE. AND I WANT E-V-E-R-Y DROP OF YOUR ENERGY THAT I CAN STEAL.
I have no problem being alone and I am very comfortable in my own shoes,. I HAVE DONE MY OWN ‘EMOTIONAL WORK’. I AM SAFE AND I DON’T REALLY *NEED* ANYONE. I MIGHT SEEM A LITTLE ALOOF, BUT IT’S JUST THAT I AM SELF SUFFICIENT. P.S. MY LAST GF BOUGHT THE SHOES.
but it would be nice to have someone to share my time with, my kisses with, my heart with. AND NOW, THE ROMANCE WITH THE SELF SUFFICENT, OPEN, HONEST, CARING, SINCERE DUDE!!!
God helps those who help themselves” I believe thats true. So if there is anyone out there looking for a real good man, lets chat. BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH BLAH BLAH, BLAH.
X best,
One step
One Step:
Im copying this as we speak and will keep it close to my heart…and read often.
His ‘about me’ on facebook said something along the lines of ‘those who know me know that the road I chose wasnt always an easy one. Self made trails of fire. I am a good person to those of you who I allow into my heart. Once there, there isn’t much I wouldnt do for you.”
He ALWAYS puts something in about being a ‘healthy mixture of hopeless romantic and guy your mother warned you about, so I can guarentee it will never be boring.”
Youre ‘analysis’ tickled me but also is errily right on. He clearly ISN’T as good at fooling people as he thinks.
Oh how I wish I had not been so easily sucked in…thank you for the time and analysis!
Robxsykobabe: You are so welcome.
I wish i had had this skill a few years ago – it might have save me the encounter with the N, and definitely with the S. Live and learn.
ahhh, he likes to pretend his heart is 3D, not just a paper cut out.
x one step
The Sociopath next door is also a good book people.
Hi everyone:
I have read the book The Sociopath Next Door and have underlined much of the book as much of the book seems to have been written for my ex.
I was reminded tonight, after a family outing as my brother and I were talking, about a time my ex and he had gone out together. They went to a bar that my brother was familiar with, although extremely shy and self conscious. My ex had told me of his attempts at ‘helping’ my brother pick up women stating “I was giving him some tips on how to approach women.” At the time, I thought nothing of it except, knowing how highly my ex thought his ‘pickup’ skills ONCE were, that he was encouraging my brother and giving some pointers.
This was the second time my brother tried telling me that my ex’s ‘help’ was somewhat more than simple pointers from a seasoned predator. What apparently happened that night was enough to make my brother feel uncomfortable, realizing that my ex was exceeding the ‘limits’ of ‘friendship’ with MY BROTHER and his attempts at ‘giving some pointers.’ From my brothers standpoint, my ex was ‘playing’ the bartenders…WITH MY BROTHER RIGHT THERE!!!
Now, according to my brother, my ex didnt totally overstep his boundaries, but enough to make my brother think to himself “should you be doing this…aren’t you dating MY SISTER?”
I didnt get the full details, as I can just imagine what ‘skills’ that asswipe was using. My brother did say something to me about my ex’s behavior, however, he spun it in a way that didn’t incriminate my ex at the time…my brother didnt want to hurt my feelings. He did, however, make it perfectly clear that my ex’s ‘way’ of ‘picking up chicks’ and my brothers way were totally different…’he will try to pick up anyone that will talk to him…any attention. He acts all cool, like he’s got everything. Me, I want a certain girl…definately NOT the ones he would go for.”
I can say tonight, at 8:32pm that I think my ex is a ROTTEN person with NO DIGNITY, INTEGRITY, RESPECT for himself or anyone else, and a DISGUSTING LOSER. I so want him to get his for all he’s done…when will it happen!
robxsykobabe – depends on whether you are waiting for his bad karma to catch up with him (in which case it could be millions of billions of years – humans have many lives of ‘bad karma’ to catch up on), or you are into paying someone to create a litle bad karma of their own. 😉
just kidding.
right?
I’ve learned to understand……life IS a game….it’s ALL how we ‘play’ it.
Wow, this is the ultimate article about sociopaths.
They value ONE THING ABOVE ALL: their facade.
Without it they are nothing. They will do anything to keep it.
Remember the canadian guy Russell, who when arrested, confessed so that the cops wouldn’t upset his wife or scratch her new floors. Sick sick sick puke.
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This thread speaks to me. I recently EXPOSED him. At first I was ashamed for exposing him but I realize that HE is the one that did wrong, not me. I simply shined the light on his lies deceit and theft.
Now I’m both sad and afraid. Am I right to assume that he’s gone forever? Perhaps that is a good thing but it’s a loss nonetheless. Also he’s running now to another woman for support. AND I am afraid for my safety.
For those of you who EXPOSED them, what did you find was the SOCIOPATHS reaction? Did they try to come back to you? Did they try to get revenge? How do you ensure your own safety?