Shock. Total disbelief. Utter incomprehension. That’s what we feel upon finally realizing that when the sociopath cheated on us, blew through our money, twisted our emotions and messed with our minds, to him or her it was all just a sick, depraved game.
Sociopaths do not form emotional connections with other human beings. They do not experience love. They do not feel honor, altruism or concern for others. The words they speak and the actions they take have only one objective: getting what they want. To them, life is a game, and they want to win.
Game theory is a field of study that, according to Wikipedia, “attempts to mathematically capture behavior in strategic situations, in which an individual’s success in making choices depends on the choices of others.”
Sociopaths are often very good at games in this sense. They look at social situations, perform a quick cost-benefit analysis, and then act based on what will serve their interests. For example, a sociopath may evaluate a situation like this: “If I tell her that I love her, and promise to marry her, she’ll let me move in and give me money to pay off my back child support so the court will get off my back.” Notice there is no love, no concern for children. It’s all about a means to an end.
Prisoner’s Dilemma
According to game theory, many variables can affect outcomes in contested situations. For example, people are generally, although not always, assumed to be rational and making choices that benefit their own self-interest. It’s also important for participants to know whether another player in the game can be trusted, or is likely to be deceptive.
A famous game in this field of study is called the “Prisoner’s Dilemma.” Here, according to Wikipedia, is the classic scenario:
Two suspects are arrested by the police. The police have insufficient evidence for a conviction, and, having separated both prisoners, visit each of them to offer the same deal. If one testifies (defects from the other) for the prosecution against the other and the other remains silent (cooperates with the other), the betrayer goes free and the silent accomplice receives the full 10-year sentence. If both remain silent, both prisoners are sentenced to only six months in jail for a minor charge. If each betrays the other, each receives a five-year sentence. Each prisoner must choose to betray the other or to remain silent. Each one is assured that the other would not know about the betrayal before the end of the investigation. How should the prisoners act?
The choice, therefore, is between cooperation and defection. In studies, players have participated in a variation of the Prisoner’s Dilemma in which they earned points based on their choices. The possible outcomes were:
- If both players cooperated, they each earned 3 points.
- If both players defected, they each earned 1 point.
- If one player cooperated and the other player defected, the cooperating player got 0 points—the sucker punch—and the defecting player got 5 points.
Therefore, when one person cooperated and the other defected, the defector came out way ahead.
Reputation
Psychology researcher Linda Mealey published a paper in 1995 called The Sociobiology of Sociopathy: An Integrated Evolutionary Model. In it, she discussed another dimension of the Prisoner’s Dilemma game as it applies to real life. If the most rational strategy is to be selfish and betray, why would anyone cooperate?
The answer lies in reputation. If a player is known among members of a group to always defect, then no rational person will “play” with him or her. When a person has a reputation as a defector, that person will not have an opportunity for any kind of gain, cooperative or exploitative.
This is where game theory becomes useful in dealing with sociopaths. Mealey writes:
Sociopaths’ immediate decisions are based partly on their ability to ”¦ use those expectations of others’ behavior in a cost-benefit analysis to assess what actions are likely to be in their own self-interest. ”¦ The outcome of such analyses is therefore partially dependent on the sociopath’s expectations of the behavior of other players in the game. I would argue that an entire society can be seen as a player, and that the past behavior of that society will be used by the sociopath ”¦ to predict the future behavior of that society.
Like an individual player, a society will have a certain probability of detecting deception, a more-or-less accurate memory of who has cheated in the past, and a certain proclivity to retaliate or not, based upon a cheater’s past reputation and current behavior. Since the sociopath is using a rational and actuarial approach to assess the costs and benefits of different behaviors, it is the actual past behavior of the society which will go into his calculations, rather than risk assessments inflated from the exaggerated fears or anxieties that most people feel in anticipation of being caught or punished. Thus, to reduce antisocial behavior, a society must establish and enforce a reputation for high rates of detection of deception and identification of cheaters, and a willingness to retaliate. In other words, it must establish a successful strategy of deterrence.
According to Mealey, a society “must establish a reputation for willingness to retaliate.” This means increasing the probability of criminal detection, identification and punishment. And the retaliation must be swift. If there’s a long lag time between antisocial behavior and consequences—well, the antisocial behavior will continue.
Exposure
Mealey’s comments related to reputation square with what I have seen. Since our society hasn’t established a reputation for willingness to retaliate—the justice system is a joke—the only effective action to take against sociopaths is exposure.
The case histories section of Lovefraud, called True Lovefraud Stories, exposes the behavior of 16 different sociopaths. It works. I’ve heard from many people who came in contact with the predators, Googled them, found the Lovefraud stories, and dumped the sociopath. One woman, discovering what Bill Strunk was really all about, actually told him that he had a “bad reputation.”
Lovefraud’s goal for the future is to publish many more bad reputations. Hopefully, then, people won’t play with the sociopaths.
Single,
They don’t want you back, they just want a semblance of control, good or bad, part of the game. I am way down the track, but I can remember the ‘loss’ stage, it is very painful.
I exposed my SP, took years through the courts. The judgment, documented all the SPs lies being under oath made no difference. The judge got him though and documented all the lies in her judgment, prefixing them with ‘he claims’, ‘he alleges’, ‘there is no evidence’ etc amongst things ‘I made him lose his job, he separated from current wife after 11 months, he lived in a car, harassment by bailiffs/3rd party debt orders’. So many people including those he owes money to have seen that judgment and now know what they are dealing with and they only want their money! Exposed for what he is by a judge ..his response its ‘fabricated’ ..even a sealed judgment and order ..all fabricated according to SP law!
SP happy or not, so what, he can’t come near me, ‘our’, children, or my my family because everyone knows what he is. If he does I will go to the police, so what is he going to do? Bad mouth me …he’s been doing that for years.
My court action was not about ‘revenge’ it was about justice and after nearly 2 years, justice was served. As the judge told him if you don’t like the judgment, appeal! I believe maybe incorrectly, but most SPs are inherently lazy unless there is something in it for them!
If you entertain for one moment that by exposing the SP they will change, you are deluding yourself, they have no conscience. Stay NC other than through courts/police and then really what have they got. You will spot any accomplice because they will want a confrontation of sorts, just ignore.
Keep all texts/emails any evidence and never, never tell them what evidence you have collated SPs don’t like surprises. Last year I froze his bank account and sent in bailiffs, the hatred emanating from him was plain to see by the courts. How dare ‘the likes of me’ and the ‘court’ allow this to happen to ‘me, mr wonderful’ ..tough!
If it wasn’t about my children and I financially could have walked away I would have, but I was not in that position. NC, NC, NC, since I found this site, I have found even the long days in court so much easier. I have a pad in front of me, taped to it are the traits of a sociopath.
Please try not to worry, and take care of you.
Single
One last thing, immediately driving home after the last court hearing I felt elated, justice at last ..blah, blah. 2 days later I could hardly get out of bed, I still find the odd day difficult, I thought of going to the doctor, I felt depressed, not ‘happy’ I had ‘won’. Will it ever end …maybe, maybe not.
Today doing my garden, looking out at the beautiful english countryside, watching the cows in the field behind my house, hearing my children laughing, my daughter making me a cup of tea and the smells from her baking an Easter cake ..that is peace, karma and love ..well for me anyway.
Take care.
Movingon – Welcome. It seems like you are from my neck of the woods. So many here are from the four corners of the world. Wonderful people who have helped me immensely. I’m so pleased you escaped and that you are able to enjoy our green and pleasant land 🙂
Moving On,
What a beautiful description. I share in your karma today as I watch my granddaughter play, talk and color and she looooooves our wiener and the chee wow wow. Playing hide and seek and squeals of laughter when found. My children home laughing and playing with her. God this is so good. So good.
Maybe I’ll make myself a cup of tea.
((((((( MOVING )))))))
God Bless.
LL
Single, you asked:
For those of you who EXPOSED them, what did you find was the SOCIOPATHS reaction? Did they try to come back to you? Did they try to get revenge? How do you ensure your own safety?
Spaths generally scurry like cockroaches when the light of truth shines on them. Interesting analogy since the cockroach, like the spath, is an ancient and primitive species.
But I didn’t exactly out him because virtually nobody believed me. The reason he ran is because he knew that I knew what he was. Still, I know that my spath will be back. They all try to cycle back to old haunting grounds. When he left me, he went to live in the area where his spath father had lived and where he lived from around 17 to 20 years old. But I know my spath and he will want vengeance – not for me outing him – but for not dying as he had planned.
What I’ve noticed about my spath is that he uses compartmentalization as part of his attacks. For example, he will meet people that I know nothing about and then he will send them to destroy me. In the past, I will meet these people and they know who I am, but I don’t know who they are. He used the cops in this way. And my neighbors as well.
The only thing you can do is leave the lights shining all the time by writing down the truth and making sure people know who he is and what he is capable of.
Candy and LL, thank you
I too have been cooking, nothing like a bit of puff pastry to roll out, plaster with egg, away the stress. (Shop bought pastry ..I do confess)
My daughter and son revising. Said daughter just came into the kitchen gave me a hug and said ‘I love the smell when you make Coulibiac’, smoked haddock, eggs, leeks etc, stinks the place out ..we also like kippers!! I have not made it for 4 years.
Now my children (16 boy and girl 18) are watching Miss Marple ..love em!!
Little pleasures, I really lost that ..I now have it back, just normal things I found difficult, now I am back to me..almost .. ..cliche kid ..but what the hey!!
(((hugs to everyone who has or is through the mill)))
Skylar,
Why do you say the spath will come back? Do you think this in general (like my friend)or just with romantic relationships? This scares me!
The place that friend spath works recently got robbed and only the cash was taken. Husband says she is up to her old tricks. I can just hear her use the same line she told the detective when she robbed us “of COURSE my fingerprints are all over the place, they invited me down there a lot” So, she works there and her fingerprints are all over the place. They kicked the door in at 1:oo am and only took the cash out of the register. So, who else knows they didn’t have an alarm or cameras, but her. It’s screaming of her tatics. UGGGh
Ana,
They always do what’s easiest and they have addictive personalities. It’s easiest to recycle old supply and besides, they have fond memories of previous encounters.
I guess the best way to make them not come back is to “sour the milk”, you know, give them memories that are not so fond. It might be different for each scenario.
As you might have noticed with the latest TROLL we had here yesterday, she has been here before. In fact, she admitted it was her 3rd account. THAT WAS A SOCIOPATHIC “TELL”. It was her third account because she had been BANNED the other times.
Still, very few people noticed this HUGE GLARING RED FLAG – I’m so disappointed.
Anyway, she came back because she had fun before – she got drama, she got attention. She’ll be back again. She might call herself 4th account.
They always come back unless there is a deterrent. The only deterrent that works is knowing that their facade no longer works.
Skylar,
Thanks for the input. Yeah, I’ll give her the deterant she didn’t like: COPS!
I didn’t notice the troll by her name “Third Account” but I did notice what she wrote was awful! Didn’t seem “right” then I noticed how NASTY she got at the end. Your real good at spotting them!
Mythird was a dead give away.
Just something about the demeanor and having seen it before but not with that particular user name. Red flags waving in the wind. It didn’t look nor feel right. I think a lot of folks spotted it though, Sky. Maybe not as quickly, but it’s a good lesson to learn in practicing how to….and quickly.
LL