What can we say about the games sociopaths play in psychotherapy? We might start with: Sociopaths don’t seek counseling, ever, from a genuine motive to make personal growth.
This isn’t to say sociopaths don’t end up in therapists’ offices. They do, either because they’ve been mandated to attend therapy, or because they view counseling, somehow, as enabling their ulterior, manipulative agenda.
But never does the sociopath, on his own, awaken one day and say to himself, “I’ve got some personal issues I need to examine seriously, for which pursuing psychotherapy is probably imperative—otherwise my life and relationships are going down the drain.”
I repeat, sociopaths will never, ever, seek counseling for purposes of genuinely confronting their damaged, and damaging, personalities. This is so reliable a principle that its converse equally applies—however antisocial his history may be or seem, the client who seeks counseling with a genuine motive to deal with a issue(s) disqualifies himself, perforce, as a sociopath.
And yet we know that sociopaths (some, not all) will play therapy games. But what therapy games?
I’ve alluded already to the court-mandated therapy game, which prescribes the sociopath’s manipulative cooperation toward meeting the court’s mandate that he participate in some sort of counseling—whether anger management, group therapy around domestic violence issues, or counseling for sexual offenders.
This isn’t to suggest that all, or even most, court-mandated clients are sociopaths, far from it; even those who are court-mandated, the great majority of whom will be going through the motions psychotherapeutically, aren’t sociopaths. However, one can be quite certain that the court-mandated sociopath will most definitely regard the therapy process with absolute disdain; and, in my experience, unlike the unsociopathic client, the sociopathic client will be more likely to posture his sincere participation and recognition of his need for help. That’s to say, his tendency will be to “play” the system, more than even merely cooperate with it.
Then we have the sociopath who’s been read the riot act by, say, a seriously exhausted partner, and who agrees to participate in counseling. We might call this the appease his partner therapy game. In this case, the sociopath has reasons for wanting to preserve the relationship (or otherwise delay its dissolution)—reasons principally related to the conveniences the relationship offers or, just as influentially, to the inconveniences that a split or divorce would pose.
In these, and other, therapy games, the sociopath’s range of cooperative participation in therapy is rather wide—on one hand, he may present as compliant and receptive, effectively concealing his underlying insincerity and deception. Alternatively, because after all it’s incredibly inconvenient that he should have to take time out of his life to appease his exploited partner, he may make no disguise of how put-out he feels, and may visibly brandish his indignation, agitation and resentment.
The latter attitude, especially in cases of couples therapy, makes for a dangerous dynamic, wherein the risk of abuse, post-therapy sessions, rises. One hopes the therapist recognizes this risk and terminates the couples sessions, which are contraindicated where abuse is present and flagrant, whether overtly or covertly.
Of course it should only be so easy for any us to smoke out the well-disguised sociopath, who may just be a fantastic, convincing actor, and seem to seriously want to examine and own his misbehavior.
He may seem utterly sincere, for instance, in the therapist’s office, specifically in his contrition and his motivation to establish, or reestablish, himself as trustworthy. His agenda, even to the most astute clinician, may seem pure when it’s impure and merely effectively camaflaged.
Other therapy games sociopaths play include the I’m seeking therapy voluntarily charade, which can throw partners and therapists off, since we’ve established that clients who unmanipulatively, and voluntarily, engage in therapy, virtually by definition rule themselves out as sociopaths. This leaves us the tricky business of ascertaining the sociopath’s true motives for seeking therapy.
In other words, it’s not enough that he presents himself voluntarily for services, because his presentation, if he’s sociopathic, will necessarily be deceptive. And in any case, his status may be less voluntary than he purports; he may deny, persuasively, the court’s involvement when, alas, the courts (or probation) may be involved.
But even in cases where the court isn’t involved, although technically he may have sought services voluntarily, in reality (as we’ve noted) the sociopath may be complying with a different sort of mandate—the mandate, for instance, of a furious partner, or an exasperated employer, whom he’s willing to mollify purely from selfish motives.
And so, once again, we have the illusion of a client who appears motivated to seek help and make a kind of sincere reckoning, but who, instead, uses therapy to manipulate his way out of the doghouse and restore the old leverage with which he’ll continue, sooner or later, to exploit in his customary style.
Finally, for now, we have sociopaths who play the dedication to their spiritual development game. These are typically well-educated sociopaths with a polished psychological rap, who posture as committed spiritual seekers. Some of these sociopaths may go so far as to make a sort of cult—a seeming life mission—of their alleged spiritual development, raising irony and farce to new levels.
This category of sociopaths validates another principle that applies to sociopaths in general: While they are absolutely incapable of genuinely pursuing their personal and spiritual growth, yet smoother, more glib sociopaths can be highly capable of ungenuinely, insincerely, manipulatively pursuing their so-called personal growth.
Think of the predatory trollers (and rollers) at AA and NA meetings, and all other sociopaths, who posture one way or another as honest, open books seeking to confront their trauma responsibly and seriously.
Summoning guises like Mr. Sensitive, Mr. Wounded, Mr. Relationship Builder, Mr. I’m In Touch With Vulnerability, Mr. I’m In Recovery From Co-Dependence, and countless other pseudo-evolved raps, these sociopaths can be magnets—and they know it—for genuinely vulnerable women seeking sensitive, emotionally available, vulnerable men with whom to partner in their own recovery.
I’ve outlined briefly, here, several of the more common therapy games that sociopaths play. They are by no means an exhaustive account. In concluding, I realize there are several points and issues that scream (at least to me) for elaboration. I intend to address them in more depth in upcoming Lovefraud columns.
(This article is copyrighted © 2010 by Steve Becker, LCSW. My use of the male gender was for convenience’s sake, not to suggest that females aren’t capable of the behaviors and attitudes discussed.)
one/joy_step_at_a_time
bulletproof – my 2 cents, you didn’t sound righteous, just authentically questioning.
pollyannanomore
Good Bulletproof! Laughter is good lightness to contrast with the seriousness of what you are experiencing. I wasn’t calling you righteous – I was calling myself righteous 🙂 I was a pain in the ass and I understood how much when a vegan friend nagged me about my leather shoes and made me feel ashamed for being in the space I was in. We are all imperfect – we’re all finding our way as best we can with no map 😛
Kudos to you- you won’t regret the thoughts you are having 🙂
one/joy_step_at_a_time
polly – leather shoes! you!? heretic! 😉
bulletproof
one step
you say:
the questioning of our world view is one of the biggest challenges and opportunities we have as we come out of the fog and find our true hearts again. when our foundations have been shaken to the ground, we rebuild. And in that process we become more of who we are now.
yes that’s it.
I thought I would become hardened by the experience of a P but in some strange twist (FOR ME, AND I ONLY SPEAK FOR MYSELF- NOT SELFISHLY BUT MORALLY)
I have become even more sensitive to hurting animals. I have reached a point where I am prepared to say animals are the nearest thing to angels we have on this earth plane, and for that, to hurt them is no longer acceptable (TO ME AND ONLY ME) Hey one step Thanks. Love the things you say and I feel your support! it means alot to me.xx
one/joy_step_at_a_time
bp – the animals need your love and care.
this is such a delicate journey sometimes. tiny fine fissures are opened in me, and i have to protect the sacred space of my questioning of my world view.
we all need to protect and support one another.
bulletproof
one step
Yes for sure you say
we all need to protect and support one another.
we are human beings and we will clash on things, get pissed off, want to to vent, get up on a high horse (another beautiful animal )about something, get upset, feel outraged ,go off in huffs, nurture hurts, make mountains out of molehills( more little earth burrowing animals), say childish things…can we still support each other then?
one/joy_step_at_a_time
bp – this is a big challenge. and we need to take it up. this space is so important, so necessary that we need to keep protecting it and we do that by supporting one another.
i am sorting how to be both protective and supportive on lf. there have been things that I have been mad about here- manipulative, controlling and shaming behavior, and predators that others don’t see, being supported. there have been times when i watch the oncoming train and the break in the rails and hold my breath.
there have been times when i have really wanted to intervene, but have stepped back and but my trust in the folks who are posting to one another and in the collective. i don’t know how people actually end up feeling when they have felt hurt or grossly misunderstood here. i don’t know how often people walk away at the end of the day smarting. i don’t know how successful we are at making this space safe and supportive.
there are many checks and balances here. i have to surmise that they work often, or lf would have imploded long ago. the community itself acts as a check and balance – the diversity of posters here means that there is almost always a variety of repsonses to a any post, that there will be a chorus, and the overall note will be a positive one. And Donna does a lot of work to protect the community. i sometimes disagree with her decisions that i know of, but i can imagine there is a host of support and protection going on that we know nothing of, so there is a sort of balance there also – one of ratios.
i have seen things that really disturb me being supported here. i have been here since december – so a relative newbie. I watch and i learn, and think about how i can be useful in those difficult situations. Often I feel that I best serve the situation by standing back, even when (and sometimes especially when) it involves me directly and personally.
the challenge here is to not take things personally when we read a direct confrontation, and recognize that the other person has taken something personally, or simply misunderstood and taken it personally and not been responsible for how they respond here. it is possible that the fault lays with us personally, but often it does not – it is in the other’s interpretation. It may take moments or months to get to the feeling that it isn’t personal, but the peace is worth it. It may take one post, none or many to sort things.
this place isn’t perfect. its held together by love and duct tape. we all come so wounded. we get triggered. we act badly. we learn to be more direct and responsible when we need to question someone. i suspect most of those here for any period of time have experienced censure by donna, feeling misunderstood, being misunderstood, feeling angy, grateful, supported, grateful beyond measure, disliking how someone posts, wishing someone would stop posting to them (or completely), etc. I feel a lot of pride when folks say, ‘i’m tirggered’, or ‘i feel hurt by what you said’ or ‘please clarify’, or when they simply let the thread go. I have seen so many people handle things so beautifully – sometimes awkwardly, sometimes with great grace, but oh so beautifully.
i could go on, but that’s enough. and thank you for asking. i have been thinking about this a lot lately, and you have inspired me to explore my own feelings and beliefs, get them down on paper – and come to this knowledge that we need to protect and support at a deeper level.
besos.
Ox Drover
Dear Bailey G,
I’m sorry you feel like you wish you could go to sleep and not wake up….and no, that does not make you a “drama queen” simply a person who has been hurt and still feels that hurt.
Knowledge is power, though, so work on increasing your power so that life again has meaning and the pain is decreased. ((((Hugs))))) and God bless.
Ox Drover
Dear Bullet proof,
I do know what you mean about being kind to ALL living creatures. Sometimes, though, what people think is “kind” turns out to be very unkind. A few years ago a senator got an “add on” regulation added to some bill for something entirely different, but it stopped horses being killed for meat in USDA inspected plants. She did this I am sure because she loved horses. The problemm is, it has had the OPPOSITE EFFECT on horses and has caused UNTOLD suffering for horses who are aged, injured or sick, and owners who can no longer afford to feed them turn animals out to fend for themselves, starve them, or other equally painful ways of ending that animal’s life.
Right now horses who could be humanely slaughtered in a USDA plant are going in trucks to Mexico where the slaughter is totally unregulated and those animals may be transported on a broken leg for thousands of miles before finally being put down. Since horse meat is a delicacy in Europe (and actually I like it better than beef) those animals were handled in a much more humane way than they are now. Just because SOME people see horses as “pets” instead of 1000 pounds of meat on the hoof (i.e. livestock) doesn’t mean that everyone does.
In China and other parts of the orient, Dogs are raised for meat. I think of dogs as pets, but I don’t condemn people who see them as pets or as meat as long as they are afforded a good life before they become meat, and a painless death. I DO have a BIG problem with anyone who abuses an animal or a human and makes unnecessary suffering for any living thing. I don’t have a problem KILLING anything, but I want that death to be free of suffering. Even as a kid when the neighbors got together to kill hogs, it upset me if they took more than one shot to put a hog down, and I don’t particularly like hogs. LOL
BaileyG
OxDrover,
Thank you so much. You’re right, my heart hurts beyond belief. I’m working hard to find my strength and my peace, but it’s so very hard when you’re still in it.
Thank you for your kind words.
Bailey G