What can we say about the games sociopaths play in psychotherapy? We might start with: Sociopaths don’t seek counseling, ever, from a genuine motive to make personal growth.
This isn’t to say sociopaths don’t end up in therapists’ offices. They do, either because they’ve been mandated to attend therapy, or because they view counseling, somehow, as enabling their ulterior, manipulative agenda.
But never does the sociopath, on his own, awaken one day and say to himself, “I’ve got some personal issues I need to examine seriously, for which pursuing psychotherapy is probably imperative—otherwise my life and relationships are going down the drain.”
I repeat, sociopaths will never, ever, seek counseling for purposes of genuinely confronting their damaged, and damaging, personalities. This is so reliable a principle that its converse equally applies—however antisocial his history may be or seem, the client who seeks counseling with a genuine motive to deal with a issue(s) disqualifies himself, perforce, as a sociopath.
And yet we know that sociopaths (some, not all) will play therapy games. But what therapy games?
I’ve alluded already to the court-mandated therapy game, which prescribes the sociopath’s manipulative cooperation toward meeting the court’s mandate that he participate in some sort of counseling—whether anger management, group therapy around domestic violence issues, or counseling for sexual offenders.
This isn’t to suggest that all, or even most, court-mandated clients are sociopaths, far from it; even those who are court-mandated, the great majority of whom will be going through the motions psychotherapeutically, aren’t sociopaths. However, one can be quite certain that the court-mandated sociopath will most definitely regard the therapy process with absolute disdain; and, in my experience, unlike the unsociopathic client, the sociopathic client will be more likely to posture his sincere participation and recognition of his need for help. That’s to say, his tendency will be to “play” the system, more than even merely cooperate with it.
Then we have the sociopath who’s been read the riot act by, say, a seriously exhausted partner, and who agrees to participate in counseling. We might call this the appease his partner therapy game. In this case, the sociopath has reasons for wanting to preserve the relationship (or otherwise delay its dissolution)—reasons principally related to the conveniences the relationship offers or, just as influentially, to the inconveniences that a split or divorce would pose.
In these, and other, therapy games, the sociopath’s range of cooperative participation in therapy is rather wide—on one hand, he may present as compliant and receptive, effectively concealing his underlying insincerity and deception. Alternatively, because after all it’s incredibly inconvenient that he should have to take time out of his life to appease his exploited partner, he may make no disguise of how put-out he feels, and may visibly brandish his indignation, agitation and resentment.
The latter attitude, especially in cases of couples therapy, makes for a dangerous dynamic, wherein the risk of abuse, post-therapy sessions, rises. One hopes the therapist recognizes this risk and terminates the couples sessions, which are contraindicated where abuse is present and flagrant, whether overtly or covertly.
Of course it should only be so easy for any us to smoke out the well-disguised sociopath, who may just be a fantastic, convincing actor, and seem to seriously want to examine and own his misbehavior.
He may seem utterly sincere, for instance, in the therapist’s office, specifically in his contrition and his motivation to establish, or reestablish, himself as trustworthy. His agenda, even to the most astute clinician, may seem pure when it’s impure and merely effectively camaflaged.
Other therapy games sociopaths play include the I’m seeking therapy voluntarily charade, which can throw partners and therapists off, since we’ve established that clients who unmanipulatively, and voluntarily, engage in therapy, virtually by definition rule themselves out as sociopaths. This leaves us the tricky business of ascertaining the sociopath’s true motives for seeking therapy.
In other words, it’s not enough that he presents himself voluntarily for services, because his presentation, if he’s sociopathic, will necessarily be deceptive. And in any case, his status may be less voluntary than he purports; he may deny, persuasively, the court’s involvement when, alas, the courts (or probation) may be involved.
But even in cases where the court isn’t involved, although technically he may have sought services voluntarily, in reality (as we’ve noted) the sociopath may be complying with a different sort of mandate—the mandate, for instance, of a furious partner, or an exasperated employer, whom he’s willing to mollify purely from selfish motives.
And so, once again, we have the illusion of a client who appears motivated to seek help and make a kind of sincere reckoning, but who, instead, uses therapy to manipulate his way out of the doghouse and restore the old leverage with which he’ll continue, sooner or later, to exploit in his customary style.
Finally, for now, we have sociopaths who play the dedication to their spiritual development game. These are typically well-educated sociopaths with a polished psychological rap, who posture as committed spiritual seekers. Some of these sociopaths may go so far as to make a sort of cult—a seeming life mission—of their alleged spiritual development, raising irony and farce to new levels.
This category of sociopaths validates another principle that applies to sociopaths in general: While they are absolutely incapable of genuinely pursuing their personal and spiritual growth, yet smoother, more glib sociopaths can be highly capable of ungenuinely, insincerely, manipulatively pursuing their so-called personal growth.
Think of the predatory trollers (and rollers) at AA and NA meetings, and all other sociopaths, who posture one way or another as honest, open books seeking to confront their trauma responsibly and seriously.
Summoning guises like Mr. Sensitive, Mr. Wounded, Mr. Relationship Builder, Mr. I’m In Touch With Vulnerability, Mr. I’m In Recovery From Co-Dependence, and countless other pseudo-evolved raps, these sociopaths can be magnets—and they know it—for genuinely vulnerable women seeking sensitive, emotionally available, vulnerable men with whom to partner in their own recovery.
I’ve outlined briefly, here, several of the more common therapy games that sociopaths play. They are by no means an exhaustive account. In concluding, I realize there are several points and issues that scream (at least to me) for elaboration. I intend to address them in more depth in upcoming Lovefraud columns.
(This article is copyrighted © 2010 by Steve Becker, LCSW. My use of the male gender was for convenience’s sake, not to suggest that females aren’t capable of the behaviors and attitudes discussed.)
He bought me an engagement ring 2 weeks ago 2 weeks before I caught him cheating on me. He said of course no it was his “friend” 2 days after he asked me to marry him he said he couldnt take the pressure of the “ring” and after I told him how much it meant to me he took it back. I was devistated less than a week later after driving myself crazy with WHY WHY does he do this and Why am I not enough I went to his house to talk to him. He was with his “friend” and he knew I was coming over. I called and said WHY did you tell me to come over if you had your friend over? He said he would appreciate it if I would stay out of his life. Three days later he asks if we can go shopping together for our sons birthday and meet for breakfast. I said I didnt think it was a good idea as my son is upset and I didnt want him to be upset on his birthday. After I said no he asks my son do you want to meet for breakfast tomorrow? (he has never bought my son a birthday present in 13 years) Everytime I try to end it he comes back and although I am a successful business person I am so stupid when it comes to him. I wanted to believe in him. I wanted to have hope he could change. I wanted to be a “normal family” I am totally devastated. I keep asking what did I do wrong? How could I have not seen he was so sick. I really love this person but the person I love does not exist! I do not cheat, I do not lie I dont want to be with someone who would do that. Im so confused and Im so sad its like someone I loved dearly died but hes very much alive. Its really too much for me to handle. I went to see a counselor and I think I blew his mind with my story. I lost my father in January who was a great man. I was already grieving the loss of my dad and yes he knew. Why can they be so mean? How can I ever move on when he will use my son now to get to me. I honestly dont know what to do. Its like a nightmare and I wish I could wake up and it didnt happen. I am so sad because I thought he was getting better only God knows what hes really been doing. I say if he didnt love me WHY would he buy me a ring for 20k? Really hes never bought me anything in 14 years. Why bother and then take it back 2 days later? I know Im here crying and hes probably sleeping like a baby. His actions speak for themselves and they are very hurtful. Then he said I just blew everything out of proportion. Im really in a big mess. I dont understand how someone could be so cruel, so manipulative and be so lucky that they cant feel. Its not fair. He caused so much pain at a time when I needed him so badly and thats why I wanted to believe him. I just lost my dad. I wasnt ready to lose the love of my life although its just me thats felt it for 14 years. Its really too much to take.
Any advise anyone could give would be much appreciated. I cant just move because of the housing market and my son is comfortable in his school. It just seems so mean and Im having a really hard accepting that the person I loved didnt exist although hes very much alive. Its all too weird and very hard to swallow
Thank you for your ears.
Dear4 Confused,
He does not want you, but he wants to CONTROL YOU. He will use ANYTHING i ncluding your son (regardless of how it hurts the boy) in an effort to keep you as his “supply” (under control.
You CAN TAKE BACK YOUR CFONTROL by going NO CONTACT.
This means NO listening to him, no opening the door to him, just NO contact. Change your number, change e mail. If necessary get an attorney to send him a NO CONTACT LETTER.
Since your son is the age he is, I think you probably need to tell him that you are going to go NO CONTACT with his father. YOU can tell your son simply that it is “best” for you that you do this since your X doesn’t want an exclusive relationship with you. (No more details than that though) Then you can tell him if HE wants to have contact with his father he is able to see his father at the father’s house but you do NOT intend to talk about his father with HIM any more., HIs relationship with his father is HIS relationship with him, and YOUI do not choose to have a relationship with the P.
Your P will continue to try to send messages by your son, and you must meet them he3ad on with, “STOP Son, I know that your father sends message3s to me from him by you, but I will NOT discuss my relationship with him with You.”
BE FIRM, BE STRONG, do not let him or your son “guilt” you in to even listening to your son beg you to listen.
“Son, I know that you want me to listen to your father, but I am an adult and my adult relationships are my business entirely.l You are my son and I will always love you and be there for you, but I have made my decision about X and that is final.”
RINSE AND REPEAT AS NEEDED.
Get yourselfr and son into counseling ASAP, both separately and together. God b less and good luck (((((HUGS) You can do it!
@confused1, hey there, I am sorry that you are going through this, but I am glad you found this website. This will be the place that helps you heal. I found Lovefraud when I was curled up on the floor, crying. The narcissist that I was involved with for 14 years left me 6 months after my mother passed away. Then I was so broken and lonely I fell for a total sociopath. It’s been a tough journey, one I’m still on, day by day. I still have days when I cry.
Please stick around and read the articles, the comments are great too!! Write whenever you have to, and it will help sort things out, to learn about yourself, and you will become stronger as each day goes by, maybe just a teeny bit at a time, but it will happen. We’ve all been through the “snot slobbering” crying (as hens calls it, so perfectly). You have to love yourself more than you love them, that was a tough one for me, but a lesson I’ll never forget.
He was with his “friend”? Girl, run, don’t walk, away from this guy. Of course when he took the ring back he made it sound like it was your fault, “he couldn’t take the pressure of the RING”, what a load of crap!!!! OMG! It’s just bullshit!!
This whole thing for me was like breaking an addiction to crack. He was my “high”. I had to change myself. It’s tough, but you’ve got to do it, for yourself, for your son. I’ve changed, kicking and screaming the whole way, I feel I’ve lost an innocence about myself and I will never be the same, but it’s time I came out of the fog and realized there are evil people out there, not everyone is like me… honest, loving, caring, giving, truthful, loyal, etc etc… there are plenty of people out there (men and women) who are the exact opposite of that.
Yeah, I still think about the S all the time, it’s been a year, slowly he is fading away. I still wish for the fantasy I believed him to be, I don’t want the real him here, just the man I thought he was.
They don’t change, I had that same hope, I waited years and years for the N to change, never happened. Oxy’s advice above is the best “right on” advice. You can do it, dump him, your no contact will speak volumes to him, they can’t stand it, can’t stand that they can’t control you anymore.
When someone tells you who they are, believe them.
Confused,
Bet your mind and your heart feel like tether balls that got wrapped around the same pole in opposite directions.
I know you don’t really believe it possible today, but put the idea in your hip pocket that you are going to thank the Angel that granted this pardon one day.
In the meantime, be here now.
And we’ll be right here with you.
Thank you all for the support. I am trying to cut ties AGAIN. This is day 1 AGAIN. I am still devastated. What I dont understand is that in reading the posts it says s dont seek help ever. He sees someone 2x a week and I know that isn’t a lie because hes taking medication. So I am sitting here thinking is he really one or I am afraid to say is there hope? I cant believe I still want to hope. Hope is a really horrible thing when it comes to our relationship. I have hoped for so long I cant even quit hoping! I know that he lies, he lies way more that I even know about. I know that he cheats and that is very hard to take because I dont lie and I dont cheat. But I think I have lied and cheated to myself for holding for so long. I miss the person I loved I miss him dearly and its really hard for me to accept that he was never there. Is it true that they dont seek help unless they are forced?
I should have changed my screen name to hopelessly hopeless
Hi Confused,
I’m so sorry you are going through this. It is hopeless…hopeless for him but not for you. He’s incapable of loving anyone. He’s even told you. I know it’s hard for us to grasp that perspective. Imagine, not being able to feel love. And not having a conscience. If he had one, he would be incapable of cheating. If he had empathy, he would be able to feel the pain he is causing. Even with professional help, sociopaths do not get better. They are what they are. They do not change..ever. I’m going to recommend a book that was posted on this site over a year ago, “The Sociopath Nextdoor.” Author: Martha Stout. After I read it, I realized my ex could never change. No matter how much I hoped, prayed, sufferred. He walked out on me for another woman and now that it’s been over a year since this happened, I feel like thanking that other woman for taking the pain away. And, she is going through the hell that I did now.
I wish you didn’t give the ring back. It was yours..no matter what. It was a gift. Legally yours. A year from now you may look back and say to yourself, “I should have kept that ring or sold it and gone on a nice vacation.” Sorry I know it’s probably the farthest thought from your mind right now. But, oh the sweet revenge.
The last thing I could ever see was that horrible ring. The ring I waited for for 14 years that was a symbol of us. He took it back in 2 days and honestly it was him that I wanted. Well what I thought was him. Its so screwed up. I dont want revenge I only wanted to be happy and he hurt me so badly. How he cant see that well he has eyes! I cried, I begged I completely humiliated myself to try to get him to make me understand what was wrong with me that I couldn’t make him happy? That I was only worth 2 days. I cried hysterically he said nothing. Nothing. I’m so sad and he feels nothing. I dont want revenge I want the pain to go away. I never want to see that ring again. I just want the pain to go away. The even sicker thing is I am our sons sole care giver. He has only been to his house idk maybe 3 times in 13 years and well thats another story but he knows how bad he has hurt me and he knows Im all our son has. If he cared about our son even a tiny bit one would hope he would have explained why he did it or for heaven sake apoligized? No he leaves me a broken hearted mess. With a son to raise (my son is a gift from GOD) a business 2 horses 3 dogs its nuts! He made me so sad and he’s not blind so even if he cant feel its inexcusable. My son just lost his grandfather who was more of a father to him than he would ever be. I sometimes now think he did this on purpose because he knew how much I was already grieving the loss of my dad. Why would he do that? I know its not love and when Im up at 3am with pains in my chest afraid to call 911 because I dont want to scare my son, hes probably with his friend. Its very sick and very sad and I hope he leaves me alone for a while because the pain does not go away. I’m going to take my son to the beach tomorrow that is if I sleep tonight. I just dont understand WHY! and I know asking is like talking to a rock. Its really cruel. I dont want the “ring” he can mount it in his closet where he kept us for 14 years.
The whole thing is crazy. I give him my heart and he may have well put it though a shredder and how any human can not feel that is mind blowing to me.
Confused1,
I wish I had comforting words so you could sleep. I’ve been through the sleepless nights. I remember getting up in the middle of the night vomiting. ..and there was nothing he could do to make the pain go away. There was never going to be that magic phone call, “I’m sorry I hurt you, I’m sorry I really do love you and won’t cheat again, I’m sorry let’s get married and put the past behind us and things will be different…” It just wasn’t going to happen. And in a way, I just wanted the pain to go away and that meant removing him out of my mind, my heart, one day at a time. Guess what? The ex S DID contact me 9 months later and wanted to meet up. I did. And he DID apologize…but it wasn’t from the heart…and he was still with the other woman. And I’m glad she took him away. It just really sucks having to go through the pain. But, slowly, you’ll start to feel better. ..and in time, will never want to be in that place again. You’ll be glad you didn’t get married and live a loveless lie. You’ll be glad you didn’t waste another 14 years. I’m sorry, I know this doesn’t make it right and I know it doesn’t make it better. You have support here from people who know that dark place where you are at right now.
Oh he did say Im sorry I hurt you left roses in my barn with beautiful cards saying if Im so sorry I hurt you and you were the last person I would ever want to hurt and if I could have the chance to make it all better I would… that’s when I tried ending it after I found out about his “friend” and I took him back. He asked me to marry him and that he could not live not giving US a chance… He gave me 2 days and that is what kills me more. Why bother? He has hurt me and my son countless times. He has given us a life of broken promises and lies. I stupidly wanted to be a family and being as I keep losing my family members I wanted desperately for my son to have one should anything happen to me. Why he would go to such an extreme when I had already said I cant live like this anymore is whats so confusing. Why not just save 20k and stay with his “friend” ? He knew how much I loved him, he knew how much our son needed him especially now Why anyone would do that just blows my mind. Thank you for listening to my craziness. Perhaps its me who is the sick one for wanting to be a family with him for so long and allowing him to keep hurting us. But when we were together I felt it, I loved him dearly and all I wanted was for us to be happy. I know its probably a blessing that God has not answered my prayers for him to be with us for 14 years. I just didnt want to lose anything else while I was still grieving from the loss of my father and the year before that I lost my sister. Its just very sad for me. I knew there was a 98% chance that it would not work because Im not totally stupid and he has a long history of hurting me. But he also is very charming and kind to me as well and that is the person I didnt want to lose. I thought if it didnt work I hopefully would be in a stronger state in 6 mos or a year as I was already grieving losing my dad.. and if the 2% chance that he was really getting better and that he was really going to give it his “all” as he said… I chanced it. Well because I have always just wanted a fair chance and yes I did think that I could have made him happy. I know now that I cant and he could never make me happy. Its just sad to have someone throw you away like a piece of trash, someone you have loved for 14 years and they promise you their all and get your hopes way up and take it all away 2 days later and then not care. Im not a mean person. I dont have a mean bone in my body. I deserve to be loved as does my son. Its probably a blessing It just hurts Thank you for listening
confused,
I know it hurts, it hurts in places you didn’t know you had.
He wasn’t about happy. These disordered don’t feel it. They win and perceive it to be good and winning can be making your emotions move up and down like the piano keys on a scale.
Buts thats all the range he had- to play the scale and never to make beautiful music. And the hurt comes over and over and over because of the kindness and the roses and all the rest.
Mine wrote me from prison- I didn’t mean to hurt you, you know I never would.
And then I found out he was a bigamist! And more!
Your feelings are real. Your heart is real. And it so deserves better. Reciprocity. Happiness.
And you will find in time that you didn’t lose him, you found YOU.
I am sure a discovery well worth the work it will take and look forward to walking alongside YOUR journey as so many have walked with me, here, in this place.
Keep heart. Feel your way. And know, that happy is yours for the asking,