I’ve been incredulously half-following the media reports of the scandal involving General David Petraeus; his paramour Paula Broadwell; Jill Kelley, whose complaint about harassing emails touched off the investigation; Natalie Khawam, Kelley’s twin sister who was embroiled in a nasty custody fight; General John Allen, who allegedly sent “flirtatious” emails to Kelley; and a shirtless FBI agent.
This story is so convoluted that it’s tough to follow all the characters and allegations. I found a really good summary on MotherJones.com, complete with updates as the story got thicker and thicker:
The David Petraeus Scandal, Explained
I thought there must be a lesson in this story somewhere for Lovefraud readers. But what might it be?
Perhaps it is simply that human beings are capable of a wide range of bad and/or stupid behavior, not all of it sociopathic. So here are a few key points that we can draw from the tawdry mess:
1. Smart people are capable of doing stupid things.
Gen. David Petraeus was not only a highly decorated military man credited with “saving” America’s war effort in Iraq, he was also a Princeton Ph.D. Yet he was willing to risk his entire career on an extramarital affair. Some may argue that powerful people have been engaging in sexual liaisons for millennia and it’s nobody’s business. Regardless, Petraeus had to know that if the affair were discovered, the media would have a field day and his legacy would be ruined. That’s exactly what happened.
2. Power corrupts.
Powerful people tend to believe that they can do what they want and get away with anything. Those in the orbit of powerful people like to flaunt their access. Others want to associate with powerful people, and will go into debt throwing lavish parties to gain the access, well, because they like power too, even if it’s only by association. But there comes a point where power leads to trouble, as many people in this story have discovered.
3. Nothing is truly private.
Petraeus was sending emails to Broadwell, Broadwell was allegedly sending threatening emails to Kelley and Kelley was exchanging “flirtatious messages” with Allen. Now we all know. And the twins, Kelley and Khawam, are both heavily in debt and have multiple lawsuits filed against them. All of their dirty laundry has become the fodder for the voracious media machine. Nothing on the Internet dies. And when records are public—or even if they aren’t—someone will find them.
So what conclusions can we draw?
All human behavior is on a continuum. The right amount of power and aggression can lead to successful military career—too much power and aggression can lead to murder. The right amount of libido leads to a healthy intimate relationship—too much leads to recklessness, promiscuity and coercive sex. A certain amount of risk taking leads to financial growth—too much leads to debt, foreclosure and lawsuits.
In the end, I suppose the lesson of this saga is that people are complicated, life is messy, and we should all be wary of unintended consequences.
Kim,
you gave me mimetic envy with that soup description. 😛
The exit affair. What an interesting concept.
Truthy, it did seem to me that he wanted you to become like him and when you didn’t engage in his sick and sadistic behavior, he set you up so that you would lash out violently.
This is the “genius” of the spath. They are so well acquainted with the emotions they slime us with. Though they never feel them, they do know them well.
My spath did everything he could to make me feel envy and that life was unfair. He went so far as to let my house rot and then somehow convinced the minion drug customers to build a new house next door to me, (actually 2 and they sold one to his brother). He convinced the other neighbor to build a new porch. And at the end, the other neighbor was bragging about what a good deal they got on their new roof. All of these were his minions.
It would not surprise me to find out that he paid them thousands to have that done, just so they could brag about it to me, who had none of those things.
What he couldn’t figure out, was why it didn’t work. Because I don’t care about material things very much and because I don’t feel envy…. well except for the soup!!
“kim frederick says:
And just as food for thought, I think the fact that these high powered men get caught in affairs is evidence of their narcissism. Simply having an affair may be a real red-flag, but getting caught implies entitlement, being above the rules, displaying his prize to the envious eyes of other pigs, his grandiosity, thinking he is above getting caught, lack of empathy for his wife and family”.I could go on and on.”
I hear ya, Kim! This whole Petraeus & Broadwell fiasco has so many parallels to my husband. He’s a narcissist, although he wasn’t a 4 star General lol. I think narcissists all use the same playbook, too.
Skylar – his mistress is a psychopath. I can laugh now about how easily she ensnared him, but it confused the heck out of me until I realized what he is and how sociopaths/psychopaths operate. At least I get some satisfaction over how she used and abused him – similar to Broadwell, but she doesn’t have the same credentials. Like Paula, she just blatantly lies or inflates them. I agree that narcissists are a spath’s favorite food. 😀
Question – from time to time here, I’ve seen people mention that the Ps lurk on this site picking up pointers about us and what we know.
Does anybody know of anyone doing any research into sites posted by self-proclaimed narcissists? Can they discern anything notable once (and if) they can get past the proclamations of self-importance?
Are there any sites by Ps telling Ps how to be Ps?
Just wondering how the other side looks and what it promotes about itself.
I don’t want to go looking myself. I suspect I’d get triggered. It’s not worth it for me, but I would be interested in knowing what somebody else has discovered or concluded.
GIS
I don’t think P’s need to be told how to be Ps. I think it comes naturally. And we can see evil all around us – IMHO they do seem to recognize another spath.
But there is a website where some congregate. Why, I have no idea. http://www.sociopathworld.com.
Athena
Athena,
A year or so ago I stumbled across a website run by a self-professed narcissist about why he was so wonderful and the rest of us weren’t. It was an obnoxious read.
I’m sure Ps don’t need to be taught, but being the narcissists that they are, there has got to be at least one or two of them taking upon themselves to instruct the rest of the world how to do it right.
Truthspeak wrote:
“He told me, to my face, that it was MY fault that he was interested in violent bondage and I threw that insult right back into his face and said, “Nobody just wakes up, one morning, and decides that they’re going to give bondage, gential torture and mutiliation, and veilded necrophilia a try. THIS is something that has been escalating for YEARS, so don’t you try to saddle ME with YOUR issues!” So, knowing my aversion to porn and violent sex, he must’ve known that I’d end the marriage, at some point.
Which brings me to the long-con defrauding. He was aware of his proclivities long before we ever even met, so he kept that nasty, vile secret hidden until he could snag me and take my personal finances. Wow”..just—wow.”
My situation *exactly* – – – thank you soooo much for sharing your truth. This has helped me so much !!! Moving closer and closer to my own freedom.
And the post from Christine about narcissism. More and more clarity to help us “see” what is really going on. I am so grateful for LF and the amazing folks here !! Thank you !!!!!!!
OpalRose, it’s good to “see” you – Happy Thanksgiving to you.
The thing that the exspath was counting upon, OpalRose, was that I would continue making decisions based upon a strong shame-core and fear. I had no job, no income, and no means to support myself, and I was very, very sick when he left, and all of the utilities were at least 3 months in arrears – not to mention that the house was in foreclosure acceleration a full month before this discovery, and I didn’t even know about it. So, I was seriously under the proverbial financial gun when he left. And, he took all access to our joint finances, drained the account, and left me with change in a jar.
So, they COUNT on us to fall back into patterns that they’ve either observed, or machinated for us. They count on us to “REact” rather than stop, slow down, and review our options. He was counting on me to continue the sham of a marriage out of fear, alone. When I didn’t, he wanted to punish me in every way possible. Which he most certainly accomplished, but he didn’t kill me with his own hands or by proxy. So, no matter HOW much he took from me, I got out with my soul and resolve.
Yepper, LoveFraud has been an incredible source of information, wisdom, and unconditional support and encouragement. Thank GOD for this site, eh?
Brightest blessings
G1S, I just lost my response.
There are many, many, many sites out there that are maintained by self-proclaimed P’s, N’s, & Spaths. Some of them DO provide step-by-step “instructions” on how to target and discard an individual for a variety of reasons: sex, money, etc. Of course, there’s no “supportive” discussions because most of these sites are monitored by the disordered, so forums aren’t necessarily “allowed” by these people. They just want to look at the site statistics, every day, and see the number of hits they get.
As for why spaths may lurk on this site, it doesn’t matter. What is written and exspressed by readers who are being honest and truthful isn’t of much help to them except to stroke their own disordered egos if they recognize the particulars of a reader’s given situation. Seriously – the exspath would have to be DAFT not to recognize himself by my descriptions, so he may come to this site in the hope that I’m posting of being in an eternal meltdown. Well, I”m not. And, that’s that.
Brightest blessings and Happy Thanksgiving
I hear a bit of news…. Saying Petraeus screwed around on Holly, because… Well look at her. She doesn’t take care of herself. It really makes me sad to hear that kind of talk. She is an accomplished lovely gal who took care of the children. Occasionally I would say to my old expath, “you take care of the kids the way I do, all the housework, cook, clean, etc and let’s see how great you look. Paula wasn’t looking after her kids . She was gone a LOT. She was running 6 min miles and turning tricks in bed. Garbage! Neither of them is gorgeous . Plus , I am sure Holly felt the distancing and that always tugs at the self worth and confidence of any normal woman.
honestkindgiver:
We have talked about this before. It wasn’t because of Holly’s looks. If that’s the case, why do all the beautiful Hollywood people cheat on each other? I think it goes much deeper than that. It’s about him, not about her. I have a best friend who is four months shy of 50 years old, has four kids (one who is profoundly retarded) and she still looks fantastic! It can be done. A lot of it is genetics and a lot is how we take care of ourselves. Despite the kids and all that, a person has to MAKE time and it can be done. It’s all about priorities. I’m not saying it’s easy, but it can be done. Not every 50 or 60 year old woman looks old and fat.