Many months ago, a dear friend of mine sent me a card with these words on it:
“You, whose day it is, get out your rainbow colours and make it beautiful!”
Traditional Nootka Song
I still have it sitting on my desk because it always makes me smile and, when I need it, gives me a bit of a jolt as well! It’s come in particularly handy over the past few days because, for whatever reason, they’ve been just some of ”˜those’ kind of days. I’m sure you know what I mean. They’re the days when, no matter what, it just seems there’s a storm cloud following — not necessarily in full storm mode, maybe just moody and threatening. Either way, there’s a kind of heaviness and flat feeling that just sits there”¦ you know what I mean?
The thing is, for me there has been no particular rhyme or reason behind it. The huge battles are finally behind me so, technically, surely in fact, there should be nothing to feel flat about”¦ should there”¦? I learned long ago that the ”˜why’ questions merely serve to stifle growth and create paralysis by analysis. So rather than plough through the countless possible or impossible reasons as to why I may be experiencing this temporary gloom, I’ve stopped asking things of myself in that way. Because, if I step back and think for a moment, I already have the answers. It’s been a long and bloody war, and while my life is unrecognizable compared with just a short while ago, there are parts of me that are bound to still be feeling pretty battle-weary! So instead of questioning why, it’s just about accepting these emotions exactly as they are — because they’re just another expression of me. And it’s ok.
What’s In A Question?
But, hang on there a minute, though. Am I saying that there is no value in asking questions? Am I suggesting that it’s better to just bury my head in the sand and carry on regardless? Am I implying that self-exploration and discovery is worthless”¦? No, I most certainly am not! But what I am saying is that the way in which we do things can deliver a whole array of completely different results. Do you remember the old 80’s song by Bananarama and Fun Boy Three? Well, in my personal experience, it ain’t what you do it’s the way that you do it that determines our results.
So — instead of asking myself why I was feeling a bit under par, I decided to focus on what might help me to feel better. It didn’t mean that I ignored how I was feeling — far from it. In actual fact I took the time to explain to my reflection exactly how I was feeling (without asking myself to justify “why”) and allowed a couple of tears to fall in the process. I didn’t use the exercise to go even further in to a ”˜downer’ I just used it to accept the way that I was feeling and to reassure myself that it was ok. “Yes, I’m feeling a bit low, but hey, that’s ok! It’s just how I am in this particular moment — all is well!” It sounds such an easy thing to do, but trust me, it’s taken me years to perfect that skill!
I decided that something that could help would be to talk with people I knew would understand. One such person was a friend and teacher (thank you, you know who you are) who told me about a book called “After The Ecstasy, The Laundry” by Jack Kornfield. He suggested that perhaps because of all the huge positive opportunities that have been coming my way over the past couple of weeks, perhaps dealing with the day-to-day normality is partly responsible for my drop in energy. You know what? I think he’s right. And taking that on board helped to settle some of the spinning in my head — and I happily acknowledged the increased peace that happened as a result. Remember that I had directed myself to find out how I could feel better, rather than why I was feeling out of sorts? That served me well because when these more positive sensations started to grow, I was more able to accept them rather than question them for their appropriateness or my worthiness. Does that make sense”¦?
Creative Juices
Another thing I decided to do (inspired by the card I talked about at the beginning of this post) was to get out my art materials. Painting and drawing is a hobby I have enjoyed since I was a child — art was my subject after sixth form, although I couldn’t complete my degree because I fell ill. For many years my art stuff has lived mainly untouched at the bottom of an old wooden chest. Today, though, for the first time in a long while, I felt inspired to do something creative. And this time I made the conscious decision that I was doing it for me. I would not beat myself up or feel guilty because I ”˜should’ be doing something else worthwhile. Nor would I judge whatever creations came out — good or bad. Nope, instead I would just enjoy the drawing and painting for what it was. I decided to feel good about what I was doing, and good about myself as well.
So I got out my rainbow colours and decided to make my day beautiful. And you know what? Just as Bananarama sang, it wasn’t just what I was doing (painting) it was how I was doing it (with the intention to feel good) that I think helped me to produce some pieces today that I’m really pleased with! So now, not only did I feel good while I was creating, I can also look at my pictures and feel pleased with the result — a constant reminder that today “the girl done good”. Double whammy — bring it on!
You know when things just ”˜fall in to place’”¦? Well, as I was checking the source for the quote I started this piece with, I found that there’s a song that uses those very same words. It’s by a group called Wonderful from the album “Wake Up To Dreamland” — if anyone’s interested this is the link to their site, and the song is track number 5 “Rainbow Colours”
So come on, sing a long with me:
“Hey you, whose day it is, get out your rainbow colours!”
Final Thought
You know I like to encourage people to stand up and join in with the journey? Well I read this week that in order to inspire others we do not have to be consciously healed or whole. I read that in order to join the band, to speak up, to have a voice, to let others know that they’re ok and they’ll come through, the most powerful thing is just to share what’s happening for us right now. To share honestly and authentically. To tell it as it is — warts and all — to the level that we are comfortable with. And it struck a chord. Because I believe that this is what we all already do on this site. We are all sharing our stories and sharing ourselves. I do believe that we are already making a difference. And I also believe that the more we consciously band together with the intention of bringing more people along on the journey, well, then I think we can fully expect miracles. Don’t you?
Thank you, and with love.
Wonderful article, Mel! Good point and one I have been working on myself! Didn’t sleep well last night, and got up at the “usual time” this morning…then went right back to bed and slept til I woke up feeling refreshed…and the chores were still there waiting for me…but no one was there to tell me I had been a “bad girl” because I hadn’t gotten up at the break of day to get them done!
Mel, Very nice to read this..I like your “paralysis by analysis” quote, it brings to mind another quote from a LF blogger [ So, I began to starve my junkie mind of all the juicy pain it revel’s in, and in the process I learned how to pry open some peace and quiet, some relief.] I dont know who said that but it has become a powerful few words for me.
Thanks for the rainbow ~!~
Mel, this is one awesome article! I get exactly what you are saying. There are “those” days for me as well and I’ve come to appreciate them as another opportunity to learn and focus on the good.
How we feel in any given moment, and the ability to accept that it’s only a moment, is indeed something that takes a very long time to learn. It’s ONLY a moment. It doesn’t have to define our entire day.
I was so used to every day being a bad day that for a long time I couldn’t even begin to understand that life is meant to be filled with good days.
Life is, indeed, a rainbow…
Thank you,
Cat
Mel, all of your articles are so inspirational. Thank you.
Like Mel,I like to draw as a hobby,and have found that I’m pretty good at other crafts as well!
It will be awhile before I can relax enough to sit down and attempt drawing again.
I found out about my ‘creative’ side during my first separation from spath husband.I was only 42 at that time.I was having problems with my gait and balance and an elderly friend(already confined to a wheelchair)offered me her aluminum quad cane.I had “issues” with using a cane at my age,so I decided to “dress it up” a little.I spray painted it a shiny royal blue,decoupaged butterflies on it and put flower stickers on it-nobody had a cane like mine!!!
Recently,I decided to replace a cheap candle & wreath I’d had too long in my bathroom,with a silk floral arrangement.A friend and I were going to make it a joint project.I didn’t really have the confidence to do it on my own.But we could never get together.So one day,I just picked up the flowers and other supplies and went to work-I couldn’t believe my eyes!As a friend told me,”you should have been a florist!”
My point in writing this post is that such crafts and hobbies are a good way;a positive way,to build esteem and confidence and HEAL.Sending rainbows to all ~ 🙂
PS I’m talking to you guys too!There are leather crafts and other things-go find yourself!
Mel, thank you so much for this insightful and encouraging article.
For me, art was my calling, and it all fell by the wayside towards the end of the second marriage and during the divorce process. My belief was that I had no business “indulging” in this calling because I didn’t “deserve” to experience anything that was enjoyable.
I began painting, again, and I’m so rusty that it’s disgraceful, but I’m having a pleasant time re-learning.
It all boils down to what I believed that I “deserved.” All of my beliefs were flawed, including the belief that I didn’t “deserve” to be talented and creative. I’m getting better, day-by-day.
Thanks, again, for this article.
Brightest blessings
Truthy,
I like the point you made,that you didn’t feel you “deserved” to enjoy yourself.I think perhaps alot of us have felt the same way.I know I got to the point that I no longer did the things I had always enjoyed doing.I lost alot of the joy in living.And that’s what I read in many posts.
I know we need validation.We need to vent.We need to support each other.But our lives will never be complete unless we find the things that make us feel good about ourselves,the things that add creativeness and joy to our lives.Then,when we are among friends or should there be another relationship down the road,we are more than the “victim” of the spath.
Sometimes the pain of the past consumes so much conscious space in our minds that there’s no room for joy. I found that considering myself a “survivor” rather than a “victim” helped brighten my heart.
Although I used to do a lot of painting and drawing, I found it especially helpful to write. It enabled me to put my ordeal in a package that I could refer to without having to keep it ever present in my mind. It also gave me a tool that I could work with to analyze my past and ponder the causes and the solutions. Instead of constantly holding onto the thoughts, I could let them go and come back to them as I chose. Retaining them no longer consumed my energy and kept me from letting joy back into my life.
And everyone who’s suffered an ordeal needs to get out and do things that make their life feel worthwhile, whatever that is.
Thank you bloggers for these insights today – aaah – wonderful:
“I know we need validation.We need to vent.We need to support each other.But our lives will never be complete unless we find the things that make us feel good about ourselves,the things that add creativeness and joy to our lives.”
“And everyone who’s suffered an ordeal needs to get out and do things that make their life feel worthwhile, whatever that is. ”
THANK YOU
Mincheff Joyce,
I have enjoyed the poetry that you and bluemoasic have written.And I have enjoyed articles that Oxy and others have written.What this shows me is that out of our suffering has come even more ability to express ourselves!More than likely these abilities already existed to some extent in us.
I applaud Donna for all her hard work and what she has accomplished with the lovefraud website.Like I said before,I understand we need validation.We need to vent.We need to support each other.But it would be a positive way of support to include a section that shows how we’re coping by being creative.Working in pottery might be one way that some might try.