Lovefraud recently received the following e-mail from a reader:
How do I process a relationship that had so many lies in it that I don’t know really with whom I was involved?
I miss the person I thought I knew so much, but at the same time, he was involved with someone else, and others, since at least last June. I thought he had had one affair—but not anything to the extent that it looks like now.
How do I process a relationship I never had? Was he lying the whole time acting out the “I love you’s”, the romantic comments, and the idea that we should be together? Is it all an act?
Most of us are reading and posting on Lovefraud because we were intensely, callously, brutally deceived in a relationship with a sociopath. The betrayal was so deep, and so profound, that all we can say is that the person we thought we knew, the relationship we thought we had, didn’t exist.
Much has been written here on Lovefraud about the different aspects of recovery. But in response to this reader’s e-mail, I’ll review some of the key points.
Understanding sociopaths and “love”
Sociopaths do not feel empathy for other human beings. Therefore, they do not have the ability to love as we understand it. There is no emotional connection, no true caring for the target of their “affections.”
What is going on when sociopaths say, “I love you?” They are not all the same, so there is a range of explanations for what they mean.
At the clueless end of the range, sociopaths may view the target as attractive arm candy, or may like the attention they receive from the target, or may enjoy sex with the target. Sociopaths may label as “love” whatever it is they feel with the target. So, “I love you,” means, “I like how I look when you’re with me,” or, “I like the fact that you’re showering me with attention,” or, “I like having sex with you.”
At the sinister end of the range, sociopaths know they are cold-hearted predators and view their targets the way cats view mice. These sociopaths play with their targets for awhile, then, when they tire of the game, abandon them, leaving the targets battered and gasping. Or, some sociopaths will go in for the kill, usually figuratively, but sometimes literally.
The reader asked, “Is it all an act?” Often, the answer is yes.
Accepting reality
The sociopath may have painted a picture of an exquisite future of unending togetherness and bliss. Or, the sociopath may have latched on to our own nurturing instincts, and convinced us that they can only survive with our caring and support. Then the mask slips, the story unravels, and we learn that everything we believed was a lie.
We must accept this reality. We must believe our own eyes and recognize the truth.
This may be really difficult. We thought we were working towards our dream. We made important life decisions based on what we were told. We may have spent a lot of money—maybe all of our money—at the behest of the sociopath.
We don’t want to believe that it was all a cruel mirage. We argue with ourselves—there must be some other explanation, some other reason. We may say, “I must have misunderstood; no one can be that heartless.”
Yes, sociopaths are that heartless.
The reasons they are heartless do not matter. Yes, in some cases they have had bad parents and a terrible childhood. But as an adult, they are not going to change. They are what they are, and the sooner we accept that, the sooner we can begin to recover.
Time and permission to recover
The psychological and emotional damage that we suffer because of our entanglements with sociopaths is often extensive. We may experience anxiety, depression, guilt, self-hatred, and perhaps even post traumatic stress disorder.
Some of us are so angry with ourselves for falling for the scam that we punish ourselves by blocking our own recovery. We say we will never trust again; never love again.
Please do not feel this way. If you never recover, giving up on trust and love, the sociopath will have truly won. Deny him or her that victory. Give yourself permission to recover.
Recovering from this damage is not an event; it’s a process. Readers often ask, “How long will it take?” The answer: It will take as long as it takes.
We may need to move forward in several directions at once, but it’s okay to move forward slowly. Some steps to take:
- Protecting our physical safety, if the sociopath has made threats, and what remains of our financial assets.
- Taking care of our physical health—eating right, getting enough exercise and sleep, avoiding alcohol and other substances.
- Finding a way to release the pent-up anger and pain within us, without showing it to the sociopath, because that will backfire.
- Rebuilding relationships with family members and friends that were damaged because of the sociopath.
- Letting moments of joy, no matter how small, into our lives. Joy expands, so the more we can let in, the more it will grow and the better we will feel.
The Lovefraud Blog has many more articles that focus on how to recover from the sociopathic entanglement. You’ll find them in the following category:
Believe in yourself. You can do this. You can get past the experience. You may have lost your innocence, but in the end, you’ll gain invaluable wisdom.
Thanks outof denial. Great link.
No problem kim. I’m really excited listening to it because he knows exactly what he’s talking about. This looks like a must-have book. Please listen everybody, you’ll be glad you did. Better than anything I’ve read so far.
Dear Nolarn,
Darling I’ve been busy and out of the house all morning, but I always say a prayer for you! I know you are hurting and scared my dear, but sometimes you just have to get your sheet together and there is no time to feel sorry for yourself, you have to GET GOING! So sorry I’ve been so hard on you, but it is because I care, and I t hink you know that! (((hugs))) and my prayers!
Glad you can pick up a shift or two here or there, and don’t worrry, med surge is not a big deal, any idijut can do it…if you can work ICU you can work med surge.
Just get your vitals at first of shift (or get the aid to do it if you have one) go over them, check orders and labs and notify docs if there are any bad labs, make rounds on each patient SMILE and tell them your name and ask them if they need anything while you are there. Just keep it between the ditches, and then before shift is over go back around and see if there is anything the patient needs before you go, and SMILE….(((hugs))))
Nolarn – Well done you. This is the new page/chapter you have been seeking. It’s a start, keep the momentum going.
If it helps I trained myself, no matter how I felt, to leave my own problems at the hospital door. When patients are ill the last thing they want to hear is ‘our’ problems.
Being on a new ward in unfamiliar territory is scary, like one of Ox’s duckies out of water!
Preparation is everything, uniform, pens, note pad etc.
Chin up, chest out, smile, don’t be afraid to ask, let others feel they can help you (rather than be a know it all) and yes smile, be confident, smile, relax, smile, chat, smile, sit back and let the others do the work until you find out what you need to do, stick to the simple things that you know how to do and smile as Ox so wisely says.
Once you get that uniform on you become another person and people will be looking to you for comfort and to ease THEIR pain.
When looking back hurts you, and looking forward scares you…..look beside you and your LF friends WILL be there.
Good luck:)
Thank you all for your blogs. It really enlightens my soul with some piece of mind. I know I am not alone with my healing. I know being on this site we all share the pain and scars we suffered from having a SPATH in our lifes.
Trimama – I think we all have those moments were we think, is his/her new prey someone who he/she will really love? I know my ex-spath is with a girl 20 years younger then him. He is 47, and she is 27. It makes me think will he try and be a good person for her because she is so much younger? Although, I have made no attempts to contact him since the break, I do run into people who tell me updates. I know that this is bad for my healing, but its that little itch to know how his life is going. Once I hear that he is so happy and spendiing all this money and vacationing with her it makes my skin crawl. Not to mention, he misses half or more of his visitation time with his daughter. He still works out of time and is suppose to come in to town to see his daughter on the weekends, but now he maybe sees her 3-4 days a month and thats short lived. But, he stays out of town and hangs out with his new gf and her two small kids. Sad, when we were together it was rare if we ever did anything without his daughter. But now, he is traveling the states, spending money like crazy on his new love (prey), and barely sees his daughter. Honestly, I have learned so much, and empower myself everyday with the tools of this site, and forcing myself to try a trust again. But I still have those thoughts that how does he not get Karma? How is it he goes on and gets to be happy and have fun? While I struggle daily trying to survive financially because I lost everything because of him. He still has a high paying job, and has no lack or struggles. Strange, how do you understand that a human could be so evil but not get bad back! Anyways, thanks again guys your support is like an antibiotic helping me to recover from a bad illness. Peace and love 🙂
Star, sweetie, I am actually glad that you broke this NC (not glad that you are hurting) but I think the lesson you learned from this is a lesson that you NEEDED TO LEARN, and unfortunately, many of the lessons we need to learn the most are the ones that we must LEARN TH HARD WAY.
Just like with the “boy next door” and how that hurt you because you gave your heart away when he was simply looking for a fark….and the same with the guy in CR, it was one of those “romance” things for YOU and it was simply a fark for him. Even from what you told me about that and even over the internet (because I was not emotionally involved) I could see that he was a farker, but YOU WANTED TO BELIEVE IN THE ROMANCE, the vacation true love…..
I understand your desire to want this “true romance” but true love doesn’t happen in 1 or 2 days or one or two weeks, it happens over a period of time when two people get to know each other, become friends, and then finally COMMITTED lovers. It is a SLOW PROCESS not the wild, exciting, love-at-first-sight, sweep-you-off-your-feet thing in the movies.
Believe me, I used to give my heart away in an INSTANT as well, and every time I was devastated when it was simply a fark for them…and even after my husband died, I gave my heart away to the P who was simply looking for another “respectable wife” to cheat on.
NOW, I would be VERY SLOW AND CAUTIOUS about giving my heart away, and very cautious about who I slept with. First of all I would want a complete physical and sexual examination for STDs before I crawled into the sack with someone and if they were not willing to do that, then I don’t need them in my bed. I am NOT going to take any chances on getting a disease that can kill me or ruin my health, and HIV is NOT the only one out there that can do both….there are many others that even a condom does NOT slow down or stop.
I figure if I am not worth an STD examination (and I want to see the papers) I am not important enough to him to climb into the bed with him. I put my OWN HEALTH ABOVE A FLING IN THE HAY. No matter how attractive he is. It isn’t just about being a prude or anything like that, it is a HEALTH AND SAFETY MATTER.
Secondly I know for a fact that I BOND with any man I sleep with. PERIOD. So if the relationship isn’t a solid one with a friendship and mutual respect, I do not want to lose my heart for what he considers just a roll in the hay. I want sex to be a mutual bonding ritual, not just a fark that will leave me crying and wondering “what is wrong with me?”
Some friends came over today from my living history group, and there is a couple we know, the woman’s first husband was a psychopath who left her for her best friend, and he had emotionally and physically abused her during their 20 year marriage….she is a wonderful gal who had been a soccer mom, no job skills etc. and left high and dry. She put herself through school, and has become a wonderfully successful woman. However, she wanted so badly to have a loving relationship with a guy, and damned if she didn’t marry a guy who is a con man.
He worked for me for a while, and pursued me hot and heavy but I let him know I was not interested in his advances. I ended up firing him, and then he went after my friend hot and heavy, and she fell for him like a ton of bricks…..I wasn’t able to make myself go to the wedding because I hated to see her marry this jerk water….my visitor today did attend the wedding, but she has the same opinon of this jerk that I do….he was looking for a woman with a nice job, a good pension coming up etc. because he had been married 3 times before and HAD NOTHING, LITERALLY WAS LIVING IN A TENT when I hired him. So, the WANTING a relationship can cloud our vision when we are attracted to someone who is good with the “flattery” and the come on….my friend that married him is keeping him on a “short leash” because she is NOT the same woman who was abused for 20+ years by her first husband, she has more strength now to stand up for herself, but she still doesn’t have a man worthy of her (In my opinion) and I think sooner or later the marriage will blow up because he has I found out a real reputation for temper tantrums and will lie like a rug if push comes to shove.
My friend’s desire for a man to love her left her wide open to this guy the same way my desire to have another relationship aftger my husband’s death left me wide open to being conned. Fortunately, I found out he was cheating on me before I married him…I also found out that he had been not only emotionally abusive to his first wife, but a SERIAL cheater and a physical abuser for a good portion of that 32 year marriage.
I am VERY cautious now….and like I saw in the widower I was dating there for a while, just the TIP of the ICEBERG, the irresponsibility he showed in wanting to take my airplane for a joy ride WITHOUT ANY INSURANCE which would have left me legally vulnerable and financially vulnerable if I had allowed it….and for what….? so he could take a joy ride? Then a year later the guy showed up at my door AFTER he had been married for a few months, to tell me how “difficult” it was being married. I WAS SO GLAD I had discarded him at the FIRST sign of him being irresponsible, and so glad I had not slept with him.
I lost about a year of my life because of the P-x-BF after my husband died, the first 4 months was HEAVEN, and the next 8 were HELL ON EARTH AND TEARS AND PAIN….but I learned a great lesson from that. BE CAREFUL. DON’T SLEEP WITH ANYONE UNTIL YOU ARE SURE THERE IS A RELATIONSHIP, AND AT THE FIRST SIGN OF !) dishonesty 2) irresponsibility 3) lack of moral compass, etc. RUN LIKE A RABBIT. Make someone prove their trustworthyness before you trust them, and once you have seen they are not trust worthy, dump them….and don’t look back.
So Star, I think as painful as this lesson has been for you, I think it may be the CLASS YOU GET AN A+ IN FROM THE UNIVERSITY OF HARD KNOCKS. Hell you may get your PhD from this class, but as painful as it is, you PASSED WITH FLYING COLORS, YOU GOT THE LESSON. TOWANDA!!!! I am glad for you! ((((hugs))) I hope that you will find a man who deserves you, and never again settle for giving your heart away too soon. You DESERVE THE BEST! ONLY the best!
Hi, this is LL. My computer is down for the count, using someone else’s and really messed me up here!
Anyway, (((((( 2 cop )))))) You have been through the wringer my dear, but I just know things will get better for you and you will see how much you’ve grown!
(((((( Star ))))))) UGH! I promise I will get back to you soon! LOVE AND HUGS!
This thread has been very interesting for me and something I really needed right now.
I don’t know when I will have a computer again, but I miss you all and hope you’re all okay! (( one J))) you too!
LL
Dear Lessonlearned,
Have missed you too. Hope you are back on line soon! Keep well and keep on learning!~ (((hugs))) and God bless.
PS guys
In ten days I will have been away from the bastard for six months.
Reading this thread has been so helpful to me because I have seriously considered breaking NC since he sent the e cards and going back.
I need to focus more on where I’m going and not allow this last contact and further information I have learned (yes being flaunted in my face), to distract me from my goals.
LL
(((( ox )))
Thank you and keep praying! I need it God is working on me! UGH!
LL