Lovefraud recently received the following e-mail from a reader:
How do I process a relationship that had so many lies in it that I don’t know really with whom I was involved?
I miss the person I thought I knew so much, but at the same time, he was involved with someone else, and others, since at least last June. I thought he had had one affair—but not anything to the extent that it looks like now.
How do I process a relationship I never had? Was he lying the whole time acting out the “I love you’s”, the romantic comments, and the idea that we should be together? Is it all an act?
Most of us are reading and posting on Lovefraud because we were intensely, callously, brutally deceived in a relationship with a sociopath. The betrayal was so deep, and so profound, that all we can say is that the person we thought we knew, the relationship we thought we had, didn’t exist.
Much has been written here on Lovefraud about the different aspects of recovery. But in response to this reader’s e-mail, I’ll review some of the key points.
Understanding sociopaths and “love”
Sociopaths do not feel empathy for other human beings. Therefore, they do not have the ability to love as we understand it. There is no emotional connection, no true caring for the target of their “affections.”
What is going on when sociopaths say, “I love you?” They are not all the same, so there is a range of explanations for what they mean.
At the clueless end of the range, sociopaths may view the target as attractive arm candy, or may like the attention they receive from the target, or may enjoy sex with the target. Sociopaths may label as “love” whatever it is they feel with the target. So, “I love you,” means, “I like how I look when you’re with me,” or, “I like the fact that you’re showering me with attention,” or, “I like having sex with you.”
At the sinister end of the range, sociopaths know they are cold-hearted predators and view their targets the way cats view mice. These sociopaths play with their targets for awhile, then, when they tire of the game, abandon them, leaving the targets battered and gasping. Or, some sociopaths will go in for the kill, usually figuratively, but sometimes literally.
The reader asked, “Is it all an act?” Often, the answer is yes.
Accepting reality
The sociopath may have painted a picture of an exquisite future of unending togetherness and bliss. Or, the sociopath may have latched on to our own nurturing instincts, and convinced us that they can only survive with our caring and support. Then the mask slips, the story unravels, and we learn that everything we believed was a lie.
We must accept this reality. We must believe our own eyes and recognize the truth.
This may be really difficult. We thought we were working towards our dream. We made important life decisions based on what we were told. We may have spent a lot of money—maybe all of our money—at the behest of the sociopath.
We don’t want to believe that it was all a cruel mirage. We argue with ourselves—there must be some other explanation, some other reason. We may say, “I must have misunderstood; no one can be that heartless.”
Yes, sociopaths are that heartless.
The reasons they are heartless do not matter. Yes, in some cases they have had bad parents and a terrible childhood. But as an adult, they are not going to change. They are what they are, and the sooner we accept that, the sooner we can begin to recover.
Time and permission to recover
The psychological and emotional damage that we suffer because of our entanglements with sociopaths is often extensive. We may experience anxiety, depression, guilt, self-hatred, and perhaps even post traumatic stress disorder.
Some of us are so angry with ourselves for falling for the scam that we punish ourselves by blocking our own recovery. We say we will never trust again; never love again.
Please do not feel this way. If you never recover, giving up on trust and love, the sociopath will have truly won. Deny him or her that victory. Give yourself permission to recover.
Recovering from this damage is not an event; it’s a process. Readers often ask, “How long will it take?” The answer: It will take as long as it takes.
We may need to move forward in several directions at once, but it’s okay to move forward slowly. Some steps to take:
- Protecting our physical safety, if the sociopath has made threats, and what remains of our financial assets.
- Taking care of our physical health—eating right, getting enough exercise and sleep, avoiding alcohol and other substances.
- Finding a way to release the pent-up anger and pain within us, without showing it to the sociopath, because that will backfire.
- Rebuilding relationships with family members and friends that were damaged because of the sociopath.
- Letting moments of joy, no matter how small, into our lives. Joy expands, so the more we can let in, the more it will grow and the better we will feel.
The Lovefraud Blog has many more articles that focus on how to recover from the sociopathic entanglement. You’ll find them in the following category:
Believe in yourself. You can do this. You can get past the experience. You may have lost your innocence, but in the end, you’ll gain invaluable wisdom.
Yes, Actually if your DOCTOR is okay with that supplement, then I am okay with it. I am just very careful about supplements and so on, medications too…I try to take as little as possible, but do take what is necessary and helpful.I do know there is a lot of MYTH out there about supplements, and many people think if it is “all natural” it is OKAY but lots of NATURAL things are poison as can be! LOL
And sometimes COMBINATIONS of things are bad, where each of the things separately wouldn’t be bad.
So anyway, if your doctor is okay with it, then that is okay with me. I think where people get into trouble is taking OTC herbs and supplements (which are NOT regulated and the amount in each pill or capsule may vary hugely) is mixing them or over dosing on them. Vitamins are good for you, we all need them, but K,A,D, AND E are TOXIC if taken in excess and can literally kill you. They are FAT soluble not water soluble and accumulate in the fat in your body.
So glad you are being careful about what you take. I would also give it a “trial” and take it for a month then stop it and see if you see any change in how you feel. You can also check on the science based research on the use of that supplement and see if there are any legitimate double blind studies.
I used to take a supplement for joint pain relief, but found a double blind study (actually several) that showed it was NO BETTER THAN PLACEBO so I quit taking it….it wasn’t harmful, but just not effective so one less thing to buy and one less horse pill to swallow. Yet there are lots of people who will SWEAR BY this medication, but I try to stay with the science based medication and supplements.
Hope that answers your questions. (((hugs)))
Thanks Oxy ~ I try to be VERY careful about the different supplements I take. I was having SO much trouble with night sweats and waking up multiple times during the night that when I saw this on the shelf, I HAD to try it. It’s only been about a week and I’ve had MUCH better nights of sleep so far.
I will do some research and see what I find. Thanks again!! (((hugs)))
Im still kind of in the denial stage. I have a hard time accepting the truth,he cant change. I think this goes back to my Christian beliefs. Im going to talk this over with Pastor on sunday.
Dear Hope to Heal,
Thank you, thank you, thank you, my friend for saying this:
“Dear dazedstill ~ oh dear, there’s no such thing as “off-topic” here. ”
I was beginning to wonder why everyone on LF can talk about many, many subjects other than spaths but when I veer off the subject I get slammed (by some).
Don’t mean to open up any sores….just thank you again!! I found your comment very healing….
Adam’s Rib
mommom – I am Buddhist and we are all about the compassion – and that is ONE BIG REASON I GOT CONNED – WE CANNOT USE COMPASSION WISELY WITHOUT DISCERNMENT.
Rules about spaths: there ISN’T good in everyone; there are not always two sides to every story; not everyone wants to be healed by our love (or the love of Christ).
What the relationship with a spath calls us to do is to learn discernment and to let go of anything where we employ blind faith or adherence to ideology that does not serve us. It will, in many cases cause us to review our beliefs and refine, define, or abandon what we must to include our new understanding of the world, or religion/adherence to a set of spiritual doctrines, other people and ourselves after we have experiences with a spath.
Some ‘religions’ or how they are interpreted ask us for blind faith – it is not a good teaching. It makes us stupid. I needed to develop more discernment – and i am learning now. In Buddhism we call it ‘discriminating wisdom’ and is considered as mark of development; and for some people it is their life’s work. It teaches people to put away compassion for the other, when the other is a speeding train bent on destroying us – compassion is the WRONG tool in this case.
But we can and must learn to focus our compassion and forgiveness on ourselves – most often this is the hardest thing for the folks who first come here (that and getting out of denial, and btw the two are linked). It doesn’t matter what we WANT to believe – when the thing is a train, a tool like compassion becomes a useless and wrong tool. Then what does that do to the right use of compassion? It twists it and turns it so that we no longer know when,how or if to use it. Then we are really messed up…which is what happens to most of us.
If we ‘care for’ evil, then good is damaged. WE are damaged. We have to turn this around, care for good and ignore evil, which in turn will damage it.
one/joy_step_at_a_time
Well said. I agree 100%.
Im fighting the urge to call him on the phone today just to share my thoughts and talk about whats important to me. Talk about whats going on with my animals. I know he will twist it and use it against me.
Dear Adamsrib ~ I am so glad that it helped you! I did not realize that some folks were getting slammed for being OT. That’s not a good thing.
The subjects seem to go all over the place around here. I believe it is healthy healing that is being expressed when we do get a little off topic. Just my opinion, of course.
h2h
H2H, I follow the blog quite carefully and it seems as if no one really gets slammed by going OT but me. Lately anyway. Maybe there are more that have experienced this that I just don’t know about. Anyhow I’ll build a bridge and get over it. 🙂
I love being here. It helps me so much and it’s people like you that give me hope. So many GOOD folks on LF.
(((HUGS))))
AR
mommom:
It’s your conscious telling you he can change. I too held on for NINE YEARS hoping with my Christain beliefs that if you wrestle with the demon long enough, it will chase it away and before you will stand the man we think they should be. The person we WANT to be there.
But, I propose this to you: were all the nice moments worth all the bad ones? They are playing on our sense of all that is right, honest, good and virtuous. I know that is a lot to digest but it’s true. It took me a long time of analyzing my situation and him trying to purposely KILL ME to make me realize just who and what he is all about. I was in that same frame of thought as you for a long time because good should reap good; right? It’s not so with a spath. They don’t care. All they care about is themselves.
I was in denial for about 3 years of the 9 I have known him, until I started seeing things and started watching him in the spin he is now in. HE did these horrible things to his life which he nows blames on everyone else but himself. And, it was HIM that made all these bad things happen to himself and to everyone else, laughingly so.
Sure, I am sorry for him and have told him so many times. It wasn’t ME that did anything to his life but I chose to be A PART OF IT. THAT was my responsibility, MY FAULT, as it turned out with him. Not anymore. I refuse to allow someone to devour me. Whether that is physically or emotionally or psycologically.
It’s a very bitter pill to swallow, mommom…I know. It is difficult ‘letting go’. Difficult recognizing that we have been spathed. We want to remember all of those ’emotions’ we saw in them but those were false – they were illusion; we had something they wanted: sex, money, support, whatever they could suck from you. They have no conscious. We want to think, as Christians, that there is salvation for everyone but dear momom, sometimes there isn’t. Sometimes people become so possessed that all we can do is let them go; make them go away from us. Protect ourselves. It’s alright to protect ourselves and not throw ourselves into the fire, mommom.
Start doing like I did: I started making MYSELF resolutions. I am not going to accept this; I am not going to accept that…stick to them, whether they are ‘personal’ resolutions or resolutions regarding your situation. God knows there will be no ‘resolutions’ coming from the direction of the spath to aid and assist you – he was the one who built this crap hole we are currently living in…we must do it for ourselves without relying on THEM to change.
If MY X SP could do the things TO ME that he did, he could do them to ANYONE. Chilling; I know. Especially when I think about how I COULD HAVE DIED.
Follow the light, mommom, it will lead you to the truth.
I had a massive heart attack that almost killed me, this past October. God spared me one more time in this life and I used to think it was to save spath. Not anymore. He brought me back one more time JUST FOR MYSELF and I owe it to HIM and to all that is good and Holy, to let go of this demon in my life now. The spath has seen the light whether he wanted to or not. It is up to THEM to change and accept it; we can’t do it for them. It’s wrestling with the devil, mommom. Don’t let the devil win. It will devour you if you allow it to. I am choosing to fight (do I say: to my death?) to the end eradicating any memories I may ever have, because they are destroying what life I have left and he isn’t getting THAT part too. GOD SAID IT WAS MINE NOW. 🙂
Feeling sorry for them is not the answer.
Protecting yourself is.
I think it is a wonderful idea to speak to your pastor.
I counsel every Friday. I have been doing so for the past five years now. I also meditate alot and have a bunch of exercises I do to keep myself grounded in my reality…
I MUST force this chaos and drama from my life or I am not going to make it long. There is no other option.
I wish him no ill well nor harm – I just wish him nothing.
I wish it all away from me and I keep it all away from me, by force and will continue to do so. I do not bother anyone and wish them to not bother me. I have been stalked, hounded, followed, harrassed not just by him but by everyone he has ever slept with…he found it amusing.
I wish him away from what is left of my life. He tried to take it from me but I still have it and the armor and shields of the Heavens are around me and he knows it.
That is our justification, mommom.
There are some souls who walk this earth only to devour the souls of light. With no regard nor conscious. Don’t let them win. This is OUR WORLD and OUR REALM not theirs.
Life is what we MAKE it, mommom.
I refuse to give my life for love. Period.
A wolf came in sheeps clothing. All without acting lessons; imagine that. And the more ruminating and remembering and talking about it, the more it is going to have prevelence in our lives. Grab ahold of that hot pan, get burned, put it away, heal the scars and move forward. I know how difficult that is at times and Jesus never said it would be easy just that we would make it through. Right?
We must base our decisions on what is right for them but most importantly on: what is right for ourselves. I call that what ‘hens’ has given me the pleasure of saying of now: “Got them big girl britches on!” ty Hens, I smile everytime I say that now. 🙂
Thoughts, love and blessings to you all.
Have an amazing weekend – do it for yourselves.
And, yes, you are ENTITLED to stop feeling badly and smile.
EMPOWER YOURSELVES WITH THE LIGHT.
DUPED
Mommom:
I went through that too. Divorcing/cutting ties seemed to go against everything I’d been taught about the Bible. The Bible does say that God hates divorce. But the continuation of that scripture goes on to say that God also hates a man covering himself with violence (Malachi 2:16). Also, when God gave Moses permission to give certificates of divorce, it was because men were mistreating their wives. Who led me to these scriptures? GOD! I didn’t learn them in Sunday school. I’m not knocking church. I go weekly and feel it is very important to my life. But when I was coming to grips with my decision to divorce (took a while), all I heard at church was that God hates divorce. A well-meaning person even gave me a book all about how divorced people could never remarry and might go to hell and all kinds of yuck. A Christian counselor told me I had to commit to the marriage no matter what I was dealing with.
Yet when I made a counseling appointment with the associate pastor, he told me that he didn’t believe God would want me in such a destructive relationship. Scripture says and the church teaches that divorce is wrong so that people won’t do it for no good reason. However, violence and sociopathy create a different situation that God didn’t intend for us to stay in. If it was a situation where you could change the other person by demonstrating forgiveness and God’s love, that would be a different matter. But sociopaths will NEVER change. They don’t want to change and will only demonstrate any evidence of change temporarily as part of their manipulation.
The Bible also gives guidelines for dealing with someone who has wronged you. One such scripture is Matthew 18: 15-17. It says to go to that person and tell him what he has done to hurt you. This is where a normal person would tell you they were sorry, but a sociopath won’t unless it is part of a manipuation. If the person doesn’t listen (I believe this includes anyone continuing to hurt you after you’ve pointed it out to them.), you are to take it to others who can understand the situation and give good advice (which you are doing by posting on this website). In other words, you are to check your reality against what other knowledgeable people think about the situation. Then if the person still doesn’t listen, you are to take it to the church (this could be literal or just telling the person that what he/she is doing is against God’s teachings of love). If the person still doesn’t listen, you are to treat him/her as you would a pagan or tax collector. Therefore, you are to cast him/her out of your life and have nothing else to do with him/her. You have already let your ex know that he has hurt you, and he has not changed. You have discussed this with us, and we can clearly see that you need to be rid of him. Your ex knows that that his behaviors go against God’s love. Don’t try any of this any further. Have no further emotional dealings with him. He has no intention of changing.
These scriptures are God’s way of letting us know that there are people who won’t change, are destructive to us, that we need to GET AWAY FROM. God wants us to spread his love. You did that already. God doesn’t want us to stay in harmful relationships. Remember that God’s love includes pure justice. There are many scriptures on this as well.
Speaking to the pastor is a good idea. But please be aware that people who don’t understand sociopaths may not understand your situation, and, therefore, may only be giving advice based upon what should be done with a “normal” person. I had to tune these others out and focus solely on what God was leading me to do. I fully believe He led me out. I was such a beaten-down, zombie, empty, non-person at that time, that I couldn’t have mustered the strength to do it on my own. I know that God gave me the strength and guidance to do what I needed to do. He started by building me up to realize who I was in His eyes, who He had made me to be, that I was valuable to Him. Then He led me to those scriptures. I remember clearly when it happened. I read them over and over thinking, “I know I’ve read this entire Bible more than once, but I don’t ever remember reading this before!” It was such a release to know that God was leading me out, I can’t tell you.
Hang in there and keep praying. God didn’t intend for you to stay in an abusive situation. Certainly there could be a place for suffering if it leads to a positive influence. But that is just not possible with a sociopath. God has plans for your life that can’t be fulfilled while you are still focused and emotionally bound to your ex. You’ll get there in time. Just don’t give up; keep fighting forward in God’s strength. I hope anything I’ve said helps, and that I haven’t offended in any way. These are the things that helped me.