Lovefraud recently received the following e-mail from a reader:
How do I process a relationship that had so many lies in it that I don’t know really with whom I was involved?
I miss the person I thought I knew so much, but at the same time, he was involved with someone else, and others, since at least last June. I thought he had had one affair—but not anything to the extent that it looks like now.
How do I process a relationship I never had? Was he lying the whole time acting out the “I love you’s”, the romantic comments, and the idea that we should be together? Is it all an act?
Most of us are reading and posting on Lovefraud because we were intensely, callously, brutally deceived in a relationship with a sociopath. The betrayal was so deep, and so profound, that all we can say is that the person we thought we knew, the relationship we thought we had, didn’t exist.
Much has been written here on Lovefraud about the different aspects of recovery. But in response to this reader’s e-mail, I’ll review some of the key points.
Understanding sociopaths and “love”
Sociopaths do not feel empathy for other human beings. Therefore, they do not have the ability to love as we understand it. There is no emotional connection, no true caring for the target of their “affections.”
What is going on when sociopaths say, “I love you?” They are not all the same, so there is a range of explanations for what they mean.
At the clueless end of the range, sociopaths may view the target as attractive arm candy, or may like the attention they receive from the target, or may enjoy sex with the target. Sociopaths may label as “love” whatever it is they feel with the target. So, “I love you,” means, “I like how I look when you’re with me,” or, “I like the fact that you’re showering me with attention,” or, “I like having sex with you.”
At the sinister end of the range, sociopaths know they are cold-hearted predators and view their targets the way cats view mice. These sociopaths play with their targets for awhile, then, when they tire of the game, abandon them, leaving the targets battered and gasping. Or, some sociopaths will go in for the kill, usually figuratively, but sometimes literally.
The reader asked, “Is it all an act?” Often, the answer is yes.
Accepting reality
The sociopath may have painted a picture of an exquisite future of unending togetherness and bliss. Or, the sociopath may have latched on to our own nurturing instincts, and convinced us that they can only survive with our caring and support. Then the mask slips, the story unravels, and we learn that everything we believed was a lie.
We must accept this reality. We must believe our own eyes and recognize the truth.
This may be really difficult. We thought we were working towards our dream. We made important life decisions based on what we were told. We may have spent a lot of money—maybe all of our money—at the behest of the sociopath.
We don’t want to believe that it was all a cruel mirage. We argue with ourselves—there must be some other explanation, some other reason. We may say, “I must have misunderstood; no one can be that heartless.”
Yes, sociopaths are that heartless.
The reasons they are heartless do not matter. Yes, in some cases they have had bad parents and a terrible childhood. But as an adult, they are not going to change. They are what they are, and the sooner we accept that, the sooner we can begin to recover.
Time and permission to recover
The psychological and emotional damage that we suffer because of our entanglements with sociopaths is often extensive. We may experience anxiety, depression, guilt, self-hatred, and perhaps even post traumatic stress disorder.
Some of us are so angry with ourselves for falling for the scam that we punish ourselves by blocking our own recovery. We say we will never trust again; never love again.
Please do not feel this way. If you never recover, giving up on trust and love, the sociopath will have truly won. Deny him or her that victory. Give yourself permission to recover.
Recovering from this damage is not an event; it’s a process. Readers often ask, “How long will it take?” The answer: It will take as long as it takes.
We may need to move forward in several directions at once, but it’s okay to move forward slowly. Some steps to take:
- Protecting our physical safety, if the sociopath has made threats, and what remains of our financial assets.
- Taking care of our physical health—eating right, getting enough exercise and sleep, avoiding alcohol and other substances.
- Finding a way to release the pent-up anger and pain within us, without showing it to the sociopath, because that will backfire.
- Rebuilding relationships with family members and friends that were damaged because of the sociopath.
- Letting moments of joy, no matter how small, into our lives. Joy expands, so the more we can let in, the more it will grow and the better we will feel.
The Lovefraud Blog has many more articles that focus on how to recover from the sociopathic entanglement. You’ll find them in the following category:
Believe in yourself. You can do this. You can get past the experience. You may have lost your innocence, but in the end, you’ll gain invaluable wisdom.
trimama, I wanted to respond to your post. First of all, because sociopaths do not experience love, they will only continue to view people the way they have their entire lives- like playthings. Disposable, expendable, playthings. Because they don’t feel emotionally connected to anything, they will get bored ( in fact, I don’t doubt that the entirety of their lives must be just that : boring- the only true pleasure they get is out of hurting others. They truly enjoy conning people. ) They live EMPTY lives, they leave a trail of broken hearts and people behind them with no remorse. The Psychopath you were involved with won’t be “happier” with the next woman, because she, like you, is nothing but an object to him. I feel an overwhelming amount of sadness for any future victims of any of the psychopaths mentioned on this site… we know the bottomline. You’ve seen the void, the black hole, the emptiness, the evil that they’re just saturated with, in and out.
You’re right, your P’s next victim will sometime in the future put the pieces together ( hopefully sooner than later ) and come to the same realization that you had : that she’d been targeted. Well, that’s our HOPE, I hope that most people who have been duped by psychopaths will be able to get their hands on the literature/information as we all have.. but like you acknowledged.. wherever the P’s tread will only be destruction and ruin.
The P by all accounts is a hollow entity. There is no capacity for love, only destruction. They will not “have it better” with anyone else because of their very nature. The soulless cannot connect to other souls, they go through life guiltlessly destroying the lives of others, how can you expect otherwise? There is nothing there.
We can only hope that more and more people are educated about P’s so they too can learn to recognize them, before they are led astray.
Yeah, it’s not an original wound but unmet needs. I had been single for a decade, never lived with a man. An actual long term relationship with daily interaciton had even been 11-12 years ago. I had actually found peace with that and even peace with the idea not to have it, when I met the P. It wasn’t a wound. But when it was there, I so much enjoyed sharing my sleep, sharing my space, sharing my plans and just my everyday life with someone. It was even more meaningful than the first 5 year long relationship I had, because this time I was a working girl, instead of a sutdent living with my parents. I got to live together with someone I was in love with in my own home for 3 months, and mostly just enjoyed that. Heck, I even for the first time in my life looked at wedding dresses and checked some possible ideas for reception or party. The last time I ever thought about “when and if I marry I’ll…” I was 20 or 21 or so. And after 15 years I was finally confronted with a possible reality. Though I felt kinda shy and weirded out by it.
One can argue it was with an illusion, and I know that. But it wasn’t me who projected the illusion, it was someone else who faked it for me. But at least I experienced some of it, and enjoyed it. And I take that with me for myself. He doesn’t have a right to any of that imo, because it was fake from his side. But I have full right to take those enjoyments with me to my future, because for me it was real and I was real and they belong to me. Nobody can ever take that away from me, not even the monster behind the mask.
So here I am, a lurker now needing to reach out. My partner was married to a sociopath, textbook sociopath really. He had a daughter with her who is now 15. Last fall the mom and daughter had a fall out and asked to come live with us. We took her in and offered her the best life we could. We tried to explain the best we could the way her mothers brain works. For five months the daughter had no contact with her mother and things were fine. Then the divorce was finalized and visitation was granted. With in two months the crazy was back in the daughter life and she now has be sucked back into this world. The daughter wants to leave our family and is starting to make up stories that are extemly damaging to our family. At 15 she is free to choice where she wants to live and truth be told we don’t feel safe around her anymore. Our family is heartbroken. We opened our homes and lives to this little girl who took it all in and then turned on us. The betrayel was sudden and came with no warning. I am angery and sad and mad all at the same time. I hate how I see this child now and I know that no contact will be our future for her and that her life will sprial into a very dark place, but we are helpless against her mother.
sbelisle ~ oh my… your post could have been mine. There are just a couple of differences. The first one being, our teen is a 16 year old boy, and the other is, his spath mother would NEVER allow him to live with us. He has told us that he would rather live with his dad and me. Problem is, he’s terrified of his psycho mother. At least that’s the story he tells us. I’m sure that he tells P mother something else.
It seems that these teens have both started to pick up the characteristics of their disordered mothers. My husband and I are trying to maintain the sane part of the boys life. He visits with us a couple of times a week. That’s really all that we can do.
I’m sure that one of our more experienced people here will post and offer help. All I can really do is tell you: “I hear you” and offer moral support.
Do take care, I know what you’re going through. H2H
Dear sbelisle,
Welcome to Lovefraud, but I am sorry you have such a reason to be here.
I know that you and your husband have done the best for the child that you can but at age 15 there is not much you can do. She may be showing signs of psychopathic behavior or she may simply being a rebellious teen aged child, probably no way to tell at this point.
My suggestion would be to tell her that she is loved, and that you don’t want her to go back to live with her mother, but if she is determined to make that decision that you will help her pack.
Tell her that she is welcome to come back for visits as the proscribed visitation permits, but that if she decides to come back to live with you, the door will be open to her ONE more time, but that if she then decides to leave and go back live with her mother that after that, she can visit but not return again to live at your house….hopefully that will keep her so she is not able to “pity play” and manipulate each of the parents by saying “If you make that rule, I will go live with my dad/mom”
When the dtr is “visiting” continue to be loving toward her but to continue to set reasonable rules for her behavior and have reasonable consequences for breaking those rules. In other words try to be consistent and don’t let her manipulate you or your husband. Hopefully this is simply a phase that she will grow out of and she isn’t going to become a full fledged P manipulator, but at this age if that is what she chooses, then there is very little likelyhood you can make many positive changes.
Good luck and God bless. There are several parents here who have Psychopathic adult children. It hurts and it makes me feel helpless, but some things you do the best you can and still get a poor result.
i got a phone call this am – blocked caller.
(i answer during business hours as i work from home, and my damn phone can’t tell the difference between a ‘blocked’ caller and a ‘private’ caller.)
same time the spath used to call. no person responded to my hello.
it’s been a bad couple of days and today is just as difficult people wise and their are deadlines, etc. I am really easily spooked right now, so have come here to post to relieve some of my spooked.
i have rehearsed and rehearsed what i want to do if the spath ever says ‘hello’ – absolutely NOTHING. click. this idea of giving them NO energy is exactly where it is at. i know we all want to do other things at different times- and i am pretty sure i would take a swing at her if i saw her in person (as an expression of my pure rage), but the very very best way is to give NOTHING – it’s like martial arts – just don’t BE there when the foe strikes. move aside. don’t defend, just move. Aikido is very good at training this response.
detach detach detach. cut the umbilical cord to the succubus. don’t feed the spaths.
now the ones we still HAVE to deal with, well that gets trickier. and not just spaths and narcs, but other dysfunctional people. oy!
Dear one/joy ~ If spath says “hello”… The best suggestion I can come up with would be. PRETEND that you don’t know who it is. Put on the best ACT that you possibly can. Maybe even write yourself a script to read. “I’m sorry, WHO is this??? I don’t believe that I know you. No, I’m sure. GOODBYE.”
You said it yourself dear. DON’T FEED THE SPATH.
(((hugs)))
H2H
hope2heal – thanks for responding, and for the laugh. that would truly piss her off.
i am feeling really fragile this last week. my anxiety is up and i am feeling isolated around work issues. i so want to be a ‘big girl’ – but my new boss is freaking me out. by’ big girl’ i mean, smart about how i handle his eff ups (dealing with creating boundaries with him, and possibly going above his head to the board – but i want to handle it well). i don’t think this guy is competent, and he recently told me he is a reformed n. well now.
i watched him botch a meeting the other day, and say something that showed his claws to a person from another org in the meeting. since then i have heard him complain about and blame people in our org, outside our org. he seems focused on THAT and not on the work he needs to be doing.
oy oy oy!
one/joy ~ wow, boss sounds like a real trip! If there’s a way to protect yourself from being blamed for this guy’s lack of ethics, such as making sure that HIS boss knows of your integrity and work ethic…
BTW – thanks for the advice you gave me when I was feeling so ill from exhaust fumes. It was unbelievable how much better I felt within about 24 hours!
Take care of yourself ~ be SPATH-PROOF 🙂
hope2heal – yes, i can talk to the board. they are already watching him. i have heard a few things in the community, and people are confiding to me their lack of trust in him. so yup.
very glad my advice helped you feel better!