Lovefraud recently received the following e-mail from a reader:
How do I process a relationship that had so many lies in it that I don’t know really with whom I was involved?
I miss the person I thought I knew so much, but at the same time, he was involved with someone else, and others, since at least last June. I thought he had had one affair—but not anything to the extent that it looks like now.
How do I process a relationship I never had? Was he lying the whole time acting out the “I love you’s”, the romantic comments, and the idea that we should be together? Is it all an act?
Most of us are reading and posting on Lovefraud because we were intensely, callously, brutally deceived in a relationship with a sociopath. The betrayal was so deep, and so profound, that all we can say is that the person we thought we knew, the relationship we thought we had, didn’t exist.
Much has been written here on Lovefraud about the different aspects of recovery. But in response to this reader’s e-mail, I’ll review some of the key points.
Understanding sociopaths and “love”
Sociopaths do not feel empathy for other human beings. Therefore, they do not have the ability to love as we understand it. There is no emotional connection, no true caring for the target of their “affections.”
What is going on when sociopaths say, “I love you?” They are not all the same, so there is a range of explanations for what they mean.
At the clueless end of the range, sociopaths may view the target as attractive arm candy, or may like the attention they receive from the target, or may enjoy sex with the target. Sociopaths may label as “love” whatever it is they feel with the target. So, “I love you,” means, “I like how I look when you’re with me,” or, “I like the fact that you’re showering me with attention,” or, “I like having sex with you.”
At the sinister end of the range, sociopaths know they are cold-hearted predators and view their targets the way cats view mice. These sociopaths play with their targets for awhile, then, when they tire of the game, abandon them, leaving the targets battered and gasping. Or, some sociopaths will go in for the kill, usually figuratively, but sometimes literally.
The reader asked, “Is it all an act?” Often, the answer is yes.
Accepting reality
The sociopath may have painted a picture of an exquisite future of unending togetherness and bliss. Or, the sociopath may have latched on to our own nurturing instincts, and convinced us that they can only survive with our caring and support. Then the mask slips, the story unravels, and we learn that everything we believed was a lie.
We must accept this reality. We must believe our own eyes and recognize the truth.
This may be really difficult. We thought we were working towards our dream. We made important life decisions based on what we were told. We may have spent a lot of money—maybe all of our money—at the behest of the sociopath.
We don’t want to believe that it was all a cruel mirage. We argue with ourselves—there must be some other explanation, some other reason. We may say, “I must have misunderstood; no one can be that heartless.”
Yes, sociopaths are that heartless.
The reasons they are heartless do not matter. Yes, in some cases they have had bad parents and a terrible childhood. But as an adult, they are not going to change. They are what they are, and the sooner we accept that, the sooner we can begin to recover.
Time and permission to recover
The psychological and emotional damage that we suffer because of our entanglements with sociopaths is often extensive. We may experience anxiety, depression, guilt, self-hatred, and perhaps even post traumatic stress disorder.
Some of us are so angry with ourselves for falling for the scam that we punish ourselves by blocking our own recovery. We say we will never trust again; never love again.
Please do not feel this way. If you never recover, giving up on trust and love, the sociopath will have truly won. Deny him or her that victory. Give yourself permission to recover.
Recovering from this damage is not an event; it’s a process. Readers often ask, “How long will it take?” The answer: It will take as long as it takes.
We may need to move forward in several directions at once, but it’s okay to move forward slowly. Some steps to take:
- Protecting our physical safety, if the sociopath has made threats, and what remains of our financial assets.
- Taking care of our physical health—eating right, getting enough exercise and sleep, avoiding alcohol and other substances.
- Finding a way to release the pent-up anger and pain within us, without showing it to the sociopath, because that will backfire.
- Rebuilding relationships with family members and friends that were damaged because of the sociopath.
- Letting moments of joy, no matter how small, into our lives. Joy expands, so the more we can let in, the more it will grow and the better we will feel.
The Lovefraud Blog has many more articles that focus on how to recover from the sociopathic entanglement. You’ll find them in the following category:
Believe in yourself. You can do this. You can get past the experience. You may have lost your innocence, but in the end, you’ll gain invaluable wisdom.
Eb?
Yes, he is a TRIP.
Good word for him.
So much of what went on with him is so outrageous that most folks would not believe it. I mean we would have this great night together…eating good food, playing tennis, being intimate and laughing and connecting. It seemed so perfect.
And I would go to sleep, exhausted. I was working and commuting. He was not.
Later I learned that during many of those same days, he had had sex with the soccer mom from the neighborhood while I was at work. And snuck over to my elderly neighbor’s to screw her after I went to sleep.
I mean, who DOES that?!
nolarn:
It’s good you haven’t seen him in two years. All the better. I live in a big city so I could go forever and not see mine. Of course he freaked out when she and everyone else found out…they don’t want that! They want to be seen as the upstanding family man. Funny you should say about how he was out in public with you like he didn’t care about getting caught. That’s what mine did with the other one. I didn’t see it because at the time, I didn’t even know they were having an affair, but I guess they were walking up and down a very busy, artsy area in my city, holding hands and kissing everywhere they went (this is when the wife had kicked him out). I think his mentality must have been Ha, you kicked me out, I will just do whatever I want to do! And then when he started taking me out, he did the same thing, but on a smaller scale. We would be sitting at a bar and he would just kiss me right there…didn’t care who was around or who saw. That’s the “thrill seeker” in him. Yours and mine sound a lot alike. I am kind of surprised that she blacklisted you only because you were already the fourth one…you would think she would have been used to it by then and plus, he came back to her so WTF?? OK, can you tell I am getting mad now? 🙂
farwronged -re May 23, 2011 at 11:46 pm
” Was anyone here treated worse than the OW or the ex. I have been wondering about this for a while and decided to ask. An ex friend of my spath said that he never disrespected and called his ex out of her name as he did to me. He kept on saying he couldnt understand what had gotten into him because he never treated the ex the way he treated me although he did hit her ore than once. ”
This is something that I had also wondered for a long time; was it because he was getting older and less careful by the time I landed him? Was it because the mask had slipped before and was harder to pull right up again in time for the next victim (me)? Or was it something ABOUT ME that “made” him treat me in ways that seemed to be “worse” than the way he treated the wife before me?
My conclusions? She and I were similar in some ways but different in many others. Therefore he simply adjusted his strategy according to what he would be able to milk out of each of us and according to what would most affect each of us.
With her, he apparently always helped with the making and serving of meals and played the perfect host to guests; with me (former waitress and former domestic goddess extraordinaire) he did jack shit when people came over, except for topping up their drinks. Other than that he sat on his lazy bum and watched me run around after every one and then left all of the cleaning up to me as well.
With her, he physically abused her on several occasions by placing his hands around her throat and choking her; he never touched me like that, knowing up front (presumably because of how vocal I had been from the start of the relationshit that no man would ever get away with that again after my first husband had hit me around and I had never had him charged; Superspath knew that I meant what I said) that he would not get away with that with me, so he was physically abusive and THREATENING in more subtle ways – pushing past and shoving me, dragging me along the ground behind his car after trapping me in the door and driving off, thumping around the house, slamming my furniture into the floor and walls, slamming doors, throwing things in my face, making covert verbal threats. He was then truly able to say to police that he “never hit (me)”. After all, I had told him that I would never stay with a man who hit me but would call the police the first time ever it happened.
And many, many more examples that would fill these pages…….
Was it worse for me, or not as bad? I think the same for each of us. After all, she was the one who found the naked photographs of him and his letter to a “Swingers” magazine where he had advertised himself, stuffed behind the washing machine, when she was laundering their newborn infant’s nappies (diapers for you Americans). I never found anything like that; but then, I would frequently go through the entire house, shifting all of the furniture and cleaning behind it and sometimes rearranging it. His opportunity to hide stuff in our home was limited because of my housekeeping methods.
Bottom line? His OPPORTUNITIES were different with each of us. The things (apart from the obvious big ones with the infidelity and the wasting all of the money) that would most distress us and wear us down were slightly different.
He just played the game to suit the players.
We both almost died from the shock, horror and pain of it all. His cold black heart was equally deceptive and calculating with each of us. His evil intent was equally malevolent toward us both.
Our different personalities, friendships, family circumstances, physical states of health and other resources available to us, resulted in our slightly different recovery rates, ability to regroup and trust again and general outlook about the future.
However different/similar things may have looked from the outside for the two of us, involvement with him was the very worst thing to ever happen in our lives as well as the most damaging short term and potentially damaging long term.
How we each overcome what has been done is up to us but regardless of how that goes for us, we ALL did a deal with the devil without knowing that we were; and we ALL burned.
eb-yeah it’s easy to get mad. Don’t get too mad though. I think ours are a lot alike. I gotta peace out now cuz I gotta get up at 4:30 to leave for work by 5:15 in the morning. I’ll be on here again tomorrow night when I get home.
trimama:
Right…WHO does that???? Obviously, a very highly sexed person. An elderly neighbor??? Gross. Sorry.
nolarn:
Don’t worry, I am not too mad. No more mad than I usually am and less mad than I used to be!! 🙂
I understand…sweet dreams.
Eb: you’re right, the word gross, and worse, has come to mind.
The man is compulsive about sex, obviously promiscuous. But then, that is one of the defining characteristics of a psychopath.
He once told me, in a moment of pseudo-openness, that he just could not get enough sex. Of course, he couldn’t…it is like filling a well with teardrops…you just never can top it off.
trimama:
Yep, that is a defining characteristic of a psycho!!
They all need some type of deterrent. Too bad there isn’t a pill that has the opposite effect of Viagra! But they wouldn’t take it anyway!
Actually, from what I am reading, some of these men have more testosterone than most other men.
Leading to a high sex drive and physical aggression.
But also, the sexual promiscuity is part of that power thing they have going on…the use and abuse pattern.
And it speaks also to poor impulse control, lack of a moral compass, lack of emotional attachment and all the other characterisitics of these people.
I mean, you can’t have sex with 15 different people in the course of a week and have any sort of emotional attachment, right?
Setfree: I agree you should go to another gym. No use torturing yourself over watching the spath make his moves with other chicks. The gym is his feeding ground. That’s why he’s there. To show his abs & pick up the chicks.
My spath with held sex from me too. About 2-3 months before he deserted me. He was hitting on a bar-maid down at his local watering hole. At least she was the one I knew of but there were probably more. When he left me I thought he was leaving me for her. Little did I know he was planning a wedding with a million-heiress in another State and had bigger fish to fry.
The barmaid like myself was a mean while. I didn’t hate any of the other women in my spaths life. Like me I knew they were just tools. He used them, & told them what they wanted to hear.
Someone asked if others in the spaths family or inner circle blamed them for ruining the spaths life & even believed his lies. I know my spaths mother hated me because she missed his 4 year ex before me. His ex got in real tight with his mother & she never accepted me. My spath was very good looking and had a fantastic muscular body. Far from being anti-social. He had an inner circle & a regular female fan club down at the local watering hole. Each night when he was gone I never knew which woman he was in bed with.
When he left me and moved out of state to marry all his hussies came to my apartment looking for him. He deserted them along with me his wife.
I didn’t even know where he was till 2 years later when he was wrapping up his next divorce. He just disappeared “like fell off the earth.” Then 2 years later I ran into a mutual friend we both knew & she told me of his latest divorce to a rich girl. A very rich girl. Then I realized she was the one he was disappearing with over the weekends when he was out of town. She was even in another State.
When we split up I made it my business to notify everyone who was important in his life & give them my side of the story
just in case he bad mouthed me & told lies. I visited their homes only once and gave them the entire story.
I didn’t bother with his ex girlfriends. Only his mother & friends in the inner circle. I figured the big mouths would spread the word what he was to those who didn’t know.
Warning other people: You can if you want. But I would only do this if you’re cut & dry out of the spaths life.
1. Some women may not believe you because they think your jealous.
2. Some people have to learn the hard way & experience it for themselves.
3. If your ex-spath is vindictive he may harm you.
4. Sooner or later their past catches up with them. Usually by mid-life people know what they are, hook, line & sinker.
My spath moves around frequently to find fresh victims and so his past doesn’t catch up with him.
Eb92044: I know how you feel now but believe me it get’s better. It took me 2 years to get over my ex-husband. I met my current husband 2 years after our breakup and I believe heaven sent him to me after all I had been through with the spath. I really believe these guys hypnotize us & rearrange our heads & it takes time to detox as others have said. It’s like getting over an addiction. But years down the road when you’re middle age & wiser you’ll say”what did I ever see in that asshole?” Right now I’m waiting for the karma bus to catch up with him & you know what? I think I’ll have the last laugh!