Lovefraud recently received the following e-mail from a reader:
How do I process a relationship that had so many lies in it that I don’t know really with whom I was involved?
I miss the person I thought I knew so much, but at the same time, he was involved with someone else, and others, since at least last June. I thought he had had one affair—but not anything to the extent that it looks like now.
How do I process a relationship I never had? Was he lying the whole time acting out the “I love you’s”, the romantic comments, and the idea that we should be together? Is it all an act?
Most of us are reading and posting on Lovefraud because we were intensely, callously, brutally deceived in a relationship with a sociopath. The betrayal was so deep, and so profound, that all we can say is that the person we thought we knew, the relationship we thought we had, didn’t exist.
Much has been written here on Lovefraud about the different aspects of recovery. But in response to this reader’s e-mail, I’ll review some of the key points.
Understanding sociopaths and “love”
Sociopaths do not feel empathy for other human beings. Therefore, they do not have the ability to love as we understand it. There is no emotional connection, no true caring for the target of their “affections.”
What is going on when sociopaths say, “I love you?” They are not all the same, so there is a range of explanations for what they mean.
At the clueless end of the range, sociopaths may view the target as attractive arm candy, or may like the attention they receive from the target, or may enjoy sex with the target. Sociopaths may label as “love” whatever it is they feel with the target. So, “I love you,” means, “I like how I look when you’re with me,” or, “I like the fact that you’re showering me with attention,” or, “I like having sex with you.”
At the sinister end of the range, sociopaths know they are cold-hearted predators and view their targets the way cats view mice. These sociopaths play with their targets for awhile, then, when they tire of the game, abandon them, leaving the targets battered and gasping. Or, some sociopaths will go in for the kill, usually figuratively, but sometimes literally.
The reader asked, “Is it all an act?” Often, the answer is yes.
Accepting reality
The sociopath may have painted a picture of an exquisite future of unending togetherness and bliss. Or, the sociopath may have latched on to our own nurturing instincts, and convinced us that they can only survive with our caring and support. Then the mask slips, the story unravels, and we learn that everything we believed was a lie.
We must accept this reality. We must believe our own eyes and recognize the truth.
This may be really difficult. We thought we were working towards our dream. We made important life decisions based on what we were told. We may have spent a lot of money—maybe all of our money—at the behest of the sociopath.
We don’t want to believe that it was all a cruel mirage. We argue with ourselves—there must be some other explanation, some other reason. We may say, “I must have misunderstood; no one can be that heartless.”
Yes, sociopaths are that heartless.
The reasons they are heartless do not matter. Yes, in some cases they have had bad parents and a terrible childhood. But as an adult, they are not going to change. They are what they are, and the sooner we accept that, the sooner we can begin to recover.
Time and permission to recover
The psychological and emotional damage that we suffer because of our entanglements with sociopaths is often extensive. We may experience anxiety, depression, guilt, self-hatred, and perhaps even post traumatic stress disorder.
Some of us are so angry with ourselves for falling for the scam that we punish ourselves by blocking our own recovery. We say we will never trust again; never love again.
Please do not feel this way. If you never recover, giving up on trust and love, the sociopath will have truly won. Deny him or her that victory. Give yourself permission to recover.
Recovering from this damage is not an event; it’s a process. Readers often ask, “How long will it take?” The answer: It will take as long as it takes.
We may need to move forward in several directions at once, but it’s okay to move forward slowly. Some steps to take:
- Protecting our physical safety, if the sociopath has made threats, and what remains of our financial assets.
- Taking care of our physical health—eating right, getting enough exercise and sleep, avoiding alcohol and other substances.
- Finding a way to release the pent-up anger and pain within us, without showing it to the sociopath, because that will backfire.
- Rebuilding relationships with family members and friends that were damaged because of the sociopath.
- Letting moments of joy, no matter how small, into our lives. Joy expands, so the more we can let in, the more it will grow and the better we will feel.
The Lovefraud Blog has many more articles that focus on how to recover from the sociopathic entanglement. You’ll find them in the following category:
Believe in yourself. You can do this. You can get past the experience. You may have lost your innocence, but in the end, you’ll gain invaluable wisdom.
Accepting reality
The sociopath may have painted a picture of an exquisite future of unending togetherness and bliss. Or, the sociopath may have latched on to our own nurturing instincts, and convinced us that they can only survive with our caring and support. Then the mask slips, the story unravels, and we learn that everything we believed was a lie.
We must accept this reality. We must believe our own eyes and recognize the truth.
This may be really difficult. We thought we were working towards our dream. We made important life decisions based on what we were told. We may have spent a lot of money—maybe all of our money—at the behest of the sociopath.
We don’t want to believe that it was all a cruel mirage. We argue with ourselves—there must be some other explanation, some other reason. We may say, “I must have misunderstood; no one can be that heartless.”
Yes, sociopaths are that heartless.
The reasons they are heartless do not matter. Yes, in some cases they have had bad parents and a terrible childhood. But as an adult, they are not going to change. They are what they are, and the sooner we accept that, the sooner we can begin to recover.
Thank you so much Donna.
You have no idea how much you are helping! xxoo
DUPED
Ok, I gotta jump in here. First, oxy, i so agree that it’s kind of silly to think that all spaths are silent in bed, or that all spath’s are screamers….i would expect that some normals are silent and some spaths are silent and some normals are screamers and some spaths are screamers. I think our focus should be shifted more to the checklist, and those things we know to be true. JMO.
Aussie, I so agree with you and always apreciate your wisdom. Everybody in a relationship with a spath is damaged by them!
Triangulation is a symptom of severe disfunction. Everybody in a triangle is disfunctional, in one way or another. i think it is far more important to look at underlying causes of the disfunction than the disfunction, itself.
For instance, i stayed for 6 years after the lying ass cheat got caught. Why?
The OG ( I won’t call her a woman, she was 17 ) was involved with an unavailable man, and her ego was involved, big time. It was only a game to her. Why?
My husband had a good wife at home and a family of 3 kids, He was 34, I was 29, Going to college and hot. But he preferred sex with a pliant 17 year old kid who stroked his ego. Why?
There were definate reasons we were in the triangle. Untill we aknowledge the part we played in it, we set ourselves up for a re-run because we haven’t dealt with the underlying cause.
Kim,
In part I agree that it’s kind of silly because they can fake passion too. They simply mirror us. 2bcop, had a screamer, who also cried, but we know spaths don’t cry except fake tears, so…
Mine had a mechanical love making style, it was like sex with a really good prostitute who really cared about satisfying his client. LOL!
On another topic, Kim, I’ve been reading some fascinating things about alexithymia. (from the greek for “no words for emotions”.
It appears that all P’s have this, although not all people who have it are P’s. It’s a new concept first named in the 1970’s.
The reason I think it’s interesting is because it ties in with our discussion of spaths as infants – pre-verbals – who act out because they can’t talk. According to research, those who have it, often experience hypochondriac symptoms, these being the result of emotional reactions that are being felt in the body, but not being interpreted as emotions. Rather, the spath thinks he is very sick because his heart beat is speeding up or his hands are sweaty.
My spath had these problems and suffered panic-anxiety for a period of years. Even though he had no stress when flying helicopters or selling drugs, he was constantly worried that his heart would speed up and he’d have to rush to the hospital.
Interesting, Sky. The word, “infant” translates from the Greek language, and literally means, “without speach. The reason the military infantry are called infantry, is because they go in on foot. Again the correlation between the young childs development of the ability to walk and talk at about the same time. Also, the infantry takes orders, it doesn’t issue orders, so it doesn’t talk, as in, talk back. Just a thought.
I will google alexathymia, and learn more…..thanks.
It’s interesting to look at some of the other words that have “fant” or “phant” as their root.
Elephant. Fantacy. Fantacia. Heirophant. Phantom. Fantastic. To name a few.
So fant means speech. Interesting, I’ll be more alert for that.
I also found out that the word for constant lying is “mythomania”. LOL.
This seems to tie together the similarity in behavior between spaths, infants and primitive societies. They are all lacking language sophisticated enough to express emotions, so instead they act out in violence.
Ok, not just primitive societies, since we go to war too, but I was thinking more about human sacrifices which are more obvious and not hidden under the guise of the infantry in an army…
yep. Agreed. Get this: In ancient Greece, There was something called ‘the pharmicon. or Pharmacos. it was the practice of brutally beating orphanned and slave children; ie. scapegoating them, for the healing and cleansing of the community….a driving out of the collective violence. They were first demonized and then made sacrid. As in the word ‘pharmacy, beating them was seen as a cure for collective evil, and mimetic violence.
also interesting, the pathological fictionalizing you are refering to is called mytholica fantastica….speaking myth.
my favorite professor from my favorite class wrote a book entitled, ‘The infanticidal logic of Culture and Evolution.’ Have to admit, i haven’t read it, but would like to.
Sky, you might like this we-site:
http://www.uiowa.edu/~relgrad/abstracts.html
If I didn’t get the link right, you can google, Challenging Evil in Theory and Practice.
Kim,
I had heard of the pharmacos, but was not aware it had anything to do with children. It makes sense though, since children are traditionally the sacrifical lambs. It appears necessary the scapegoat be young and innocent or the “healing” doesn’t work. The god’s demand purity in their sacrifices.
Remember the slaughter of the innocents in the bible?
Your professor’s book sounds like an excellent read.
I’ll check out the website, the link looks like it worked.
Some days really suck, but most days since I’ve been NC are good, and getting better, it’s 6 weeks now. This site is so helpful, reading everybody’s stories is so validating.
SK
Good to hear superkid!
It’s exactly a month ago since P discarded me, and 3 weeks since I went NC with him and have specifically avoided getting info about him.
Strange… it seems longer ago than that 😮