Lovefraud recently received the following e-mail from a reader:
How do I process a relationship that had so many lies in it that I don’t know really with whom I was involved?
I miss the person I thought I knew so much, but at the same time, he was involved with someone else, and others, since at least last June. I thought he had had one affair—but not anything to the extent that it looks like now.
How do I process a relationship I never had? Was he lying the whole time acting out the “I love you’s”, the romantic comments, and the idea that we should be together? Is it all an act?
Most of us are reading and posting on Lovefraud because we were intensely, callously, brutally deceived in a relationship with a sociopath. The betrayal was so deep, and so profound, that all we can say is that the person we thought we knew, the relationship we thought we had, didn’t exist.
Much has been written here on Lovefraud about the different aspects of recovery. But in response to this reader’s e-mail, I’ll review some of the key points.
Understanding sociopaths and “love”
Sociopaths do not feel empathy for other human beings. Therefore, they do not have the ability to love as we understand it. There is no emotional connection, no true caring for the target of their “affections.”
What is going on when sociopaths say, “I love you?” They are not all the same, so there is a range of explanations for what they mean.
At the clueless end of the range, sociopaths may view the target as attractive arm candy, or may like the attention they receive from the target, or may enjoy sex with the target. Sociopaths may label as “love” whatever it is they feel with the target. So, “I love you,” means, “I like how I look when you’re with me,” or, “I like the fact that you’re showering me with attention,” or, “I like having sex with you.”
At the sinister end of the range, sociopaths know they are cold-hearted predators and view their targets the way cats view mice. These sociopaths play with their targets for awhile, then, when they tire of the game, abandon them, leaving the targets battered and gasping. Or, some sociopaths will go in for the kill, usually figuratively, but sometimes literally.
The reader asked, “Is it all an act?” Often, the answer is yes.
Accepting reality
The sociopath may have painted a picture of an exquisite future of unending togetherness and bliss. Or, the sociopath may have latched on to our own nurturing instincts, and convinced us that they can only survive with our caring and support. Then the mask slips, the story unravels, and we learn that everything we believed was a lie.
We must accept this reality. We must believe our own eyes and recognize the truth.
This may be really difficult. We thought we were working towards our dream. We made important life decisions based on what we were told. We may have spent a lot of money—maybe all of our money—at the behest of the sociopath.
We don’t want to believe that it was all a cruel mirage. We argue with ourselves—there must be some other explanation, some other reason. We may say, “I must have misunderstood; no one can be that heartless.”
Yes, sociopaths are that heartless.
The reasons they are heartless do not matter. Yes, in some cases they have had bad parents and a terrible childhood. But as an adult, they are not going to change. They are what they are, and the sooner we accept that, the sooner we can begin to recover.
Time and permission to recover
The psychological and emotional damage that we suffer because of our entanglements with sociopaths is often extensive. We may experience anxiety, depression, guilt, self-hatred, and perhaps even post traumatic stress disorder.
Some of us are so angry with ourselves for falling for the scam that we punish ourselves by blocking our own recovery. We say we will never trust again; never love again.
Please do not feel this way. If you never recover, giving up on trust and love, the sociopath will have truly won. Deny him or her that victory. Give yourself permission to recover.
Recovering from this damage is not an event; it’s a process. Readers often ask, “How long will it take?” The answer: It will take as long as it takes.
We may need to move forward in several directions at once, but it’s okay to move forward slowly. Some steps to take:
- Protecting our physical safety, if the sociopath has made threats, and what remains of our financial assets.
- Taking care of our physical health—eating right, getting enough exercise and sleep, avoiding alcohol and other substances.
- Finding a way to release the pent-up anger and pain within us, without showing it to the sociopath, because that will backfire.
- Rebuilding relationships with family members and friends that were damaged because of the sociopath.
- Letting moments of joy, no matter how small, into our lives. Joy expands, so the more we can let in, the more it will grow and the better we will feel.
The Lovefraud Blog has many more articles that focus on how to recover from the sociopathic entanglement. You’ll find them in the following category:
Believe in yourself. You can do this. You can get past the experience. You may have lost your innocence, but in the end, you’ll gain invaluable wisdom.
Darwinsmom,
I isolated myself as well. I’m back to spending time with family and my good friend. I’m more engaged at work.
It is strange to get away from the drama of the spath, it was such withdrawl, and I suppose, it’s still withdrawl, but the peace is awesome.
I used to feel so sad and depressed, i thought about offing myself. I don’t feel that way any more. I laugh and i mean it, without feeling like i’m being kicked, abused, etc.
What a difference two months make.
Superkid
romanticfool no more:
I love that…Pretty, glittery packages full of nothing. Nothing is more true.
I have to say I have seen both. I have seen my spath target me who is strong and the OW who is weak. I don’t know what to think. We know how confusing they are.
I think it’s when they triangulate for manipulation purposes they target an OW who is weaker in personality… as if saying you’re no better than the other.
Yeah, this time last year there were some days I literally thought I was not going to make it and now I feel so differently. I still have a ways to go, but it is HOPE for anyone on here who feels so much in despair. I never thought I would feel any differently and now I do. Has it changed me forever? Yes. I look at everything differently now, but I refuse to let someone like him break my spirit. So anyone who is struggling right now, PLEASE know that it does get better, but the main thing is No Contact. I quit my job and everything to get away from it and not so wisely was still having contact with him (but no sex, no intimacy) for eight more months or so. That only kept the ball rolling, the roller coaster going up and down. Now after two full months of no contact, I see how it is the only answer. Do I think about him? Of course, all the time. I shouldn’t, but I do. I wonder what he’s doing, I wonder who the current victim is. But eventually, he will only be a distant memory.
darwinsmom:
Oh, you are so right! You opened my eyes. That’s exactly what he did.
darwinsmom,
but they make many mistakes. I realized he didn’t know me at all which made him lose. I obseved they do not plan so much. We have a tendency to think they calculate everything when they’re just being themselves. They try and sometimes they get supply for years, other times the supply last less than they had expected or would have like it. They can not know how you feel. This i clearly observed in my psycho. He could not foresee when i was going to say “no more. goodbye”. They have no intuition and can not know, except for enabler wives or family (and these ones are neither 100% secure), when then the target is fed up.
Eva said:
“they target very strong people that didn’t know well how strong they are. They target people with very strong moral values who think there is good in everybody and that when people speak they do (because this is what they do: if we promise or make a commitment we satisfy it).
Yes, they fool a lot of people! And others who suspect do not comfront them. Who are the cowards?
”
I was strong and become a challange for him, because he said nobody ever told him so go away. And I told him him this, I am not your first wife, who dies but didn’t know how to leave you. I am leaving on my legs and I do have mouth, and people will know what kind of person you are.
His first wife refused to take help from family to leave him, they offered her many times and took her to shelter as well, but she chose to die than leaving him. Everybody’s assumption was that he threat her that she will never see her doughter if she leaves, so she kept going back to him.
The bottom line is, you are never going to understand or “fix” a sociopath, so don’t waste your time. Figure out why you allowed them in and work on that.
I cried every single day for the first two years. I didn’t want to live and the circumstances he left me in were dangerous and depressing. Not to mention my health was ruined. But I didn’t die, and eventually the day came when I realized I had passed an entire 24 hours without thinking about him. It’s slow, but healing does happen. When I was with him, I thought I couldn’t live without him. The opposite was true. I figure in another 5 years, probably sooner, he’ll just be another road bump I got over.
I come from a long line of hoarders. I’m learning to let go of things both physical and mental. When I get done cleaning house, I will move out of here. In the meantime I am processing, looking at each bit and deciding if it has a part in my current life or not. It’s difficult giving up my dreams, hard for me to realize my working days are over. Many things that were the center of my life are now beyond my reach. Healing is like that too, re-evaluating, deciding what memories to keep and which to throw away. Some are too painful to look at, and that’s okay too. I’ve come to realize there will be a time that they no longer hurt or that I no longer need them. When I move on, I will take only that which matters to me now. In the beginning, the pain is blinding, seemingly endless. It gets better, I promise. Take care of yourself, remember you are always your own worst critic. Learn not to blame yourself for running into a sociopath, but rather the signs to watch for. Accept help when it’s offered. Be as nice to yourself as you are to others.
Very well said romanticfool,
I want to get there, where you are right now. And I know exactly this what will in all of our case. I will sure keep this in mind everyday. I guess every morning, I need to plan my day, which has no room for his memories.
romantic fool,
u said you came from a long line of horders.
My spath was fascinated by horders. I’m not one, but he would find horders and use them, wherever he went, there were male and females of ages 20 to 80 who were horders.
there is a connection. it really doesn’t matter what it is because spaths like mine, they look for weakness.. . they look for anything that sets you apart from the average. Don’t allow it. Or if you do, be ready to annihalate them.