Lovefraud recently received the following e-mail from a reader:
How do I process a relationship that had so many lies in it that I don’t know really with whom I was involved?
I miss the person I thought I knew so much, but at the same time, he was involved with someone else, and others, since at least last June. I thought he had had one affair—but not anything to the extent that it looks like now.
How do I process a relationship I never had? Was he lying the whole time acting out the “I love you’s”, the romantic comments, and the idea that we should be together? Is it all an act?
Most of us are reading and posting on Lovefraud because we were intensely, callously, brutally deceived in a relationship with a sociopath. The betrayal was so deep, and so profound, that all we can say is that the person we thought we knew, the relationship we thought we had, didn’t exist.
Much has been written here on Lovefraud about the different aspects of recovery. But in response to this reader’s e-mail, I’ll review some of the key points.
Understanding sociopaths and “love”
Sociopaths do not feel empathy for other human beings. Therefore, they do not have the ability to love as we understand it. There is no emotional connection, no true caring for the target of their “affections.”
What is going on when sociopaths say, “I love you?” They are not all the same, so there is a range of explanations for what they mean.
At the clueless end of the range, sociopaths may view the target as attractive arm candy, or may like the attention they receive from the target, or may enjoy sex with the target. Sociopaths may label as “love” whatever it is they feel with the target. So, “I love you,” means, “I like how I look when you’re with me,” or, “I like the fact that you’re showering me with attention,” or, “I like having sex with you.”
At the sinister end of the range, sociopaths know they are cold-hearted predators and view their targets the way cats view mice. These sociopaths play with their targets for awhile, then, when they tire of the game, abandon them, leaving the targets battered and gasping. Or, some sociopaths will go in for the kill, usually figuratively, but sometimes literally.
The reader asked, “Is it all an act?” Often, the answer is yes.
Accepting reality
The sociopath may have painted a picture of an exquisite future of unending togetherness and bliss. Or, the sociopath may have latched on to our own nurturing instincts, and convinced us that they can only survive with our caring and support. Then the mask slips, the story unravels, and we learn that everything we believed was a lie.
We must accept this reality. We must believe our own eyes and recognize the truth.
This may be really difficult. We thought we were working towards our dream. We made important life decisions based on what we were told. We may have spent a lot of money—maybe all of our money—at the behest of the sociopath.
We don’t want to believe that it was all a cruel mirage. We argue with ourselves—there must be some other explanation, some other reason. We may say, “I must have misunderstood; no one can be that heartless.”
Yes, sociopaths are that heartless.
The reasons they are heartless do not matter. Yes, in some cases they have had bad parents and a terrible childhood. But as an adult, they are not going to change. They are what they are, and the sooner we accept that, the sooner we can begin to recover.
Time and permission to recover
The psychological and emotional damage that we suffer because of our entanglements with sociopaths is often extensive. We may experience anxiety, depression, guilt, self-hatred, and perhaps even post traumatic stress disorder.
Some of us are so angry with ourselves for falling for the scam that we punish ourselves by blocking our own recovery. We say we will never trust again; never love again.
Please do not feel this way. If you never recover, giving up on trust and love, the sociopath will have truly won. Deny him or her that victory. Give yourself permission to recover.
Recovering from this damage is not an event; it’s a process. Readers often ask, “How long will it take?” The answer: It will take as long as it takes.
We may need to move forward in several directions at once, but it’s okay to move forward slowly. Some steps to take:
- Protecting our physical safety, if the sociopath has made threats, and what remains of our financial assets.
- Taking care of our physical health—eating right, getting enough exercise and sleep, avoiding alcohol and other substances.
- Finding a way to release the pent-up anger and pain within us, without showing it to the sociopath, because that will backfire.
- Rebuilding relationships with family members and friends that were damaged because of the sociopath.
- Letting moments of joy, no matter how small, into our lives. Joy expands, so the more we can let in, the more it will grow and the better we will feel.
The Lovefraud Blog has many more articles that focus on how to recover from the sociopathic entanglement. You’ll find them in the following category:
Believe in yourself. You can do this. You can get past the experience. You may have lost your innocence, but in the end, you’ll gain invaluable wisdom.
Interesting that he targeted hoarders. X was a hoarder also, although in his case maybe he was just too lazy to throw anything away. This backfired on him, since he spooked and took off leaving his papers behind. That’s how I found out he was lying from the very beginning. We lived in the country and had to take garbage to the dump. After he left we found garbage stashed everywhere. At least no one in my family ever hoarded pure garbage!
oh yes, they make many mistakes… He did know he needed to find new long term supply, not just because of the distance, but because he wasn’t getting money sent anymore (though he used to say “he didn’t want me to anymore, cause he didn’t want me to think he was a playboy”…. yeah right) and because I was putting responsibility onto him: he had to do the papers, cause it was his divorce after all in his country, and how long we were separated was dependable on what he did about it.
He also made the mistake to think I would take it meekly and would want to remain friends. I think I’m the first of the ex-es who realized that he is not just a jerk, but an empty shell. The Norwegian girl is very disappointed in him having done the same to me as he did to her, but he was her first love and she’s young, and she still wants to hope he can turn around his ways. Most women stay friends with him, chat with him if he reaches out, etc. He doesn’t expect a woman want to totally turn her back on him. He unfriended me, he removed most of the pictures of us together, and now he has made all his albums private. He changes his profile picture each time he altered something of his profile, cause that would be something I would notice on other profiles of people we have in common. I assume he thinks he’s punishing me and hurting me, after I exposed him, by withholding any knowledge of him more and more. What he doesn’t realize is that it actually pleases me. It makes it easier each time to expand the No Contact.
darwinsmom,
seems our stories are very similar. Me and the psycho live in two different countries, though just two hour flight.
Yes, mine didn’t expect to be thrown so drastically. He really had made plans concerning my country.
Their intuition is a disaster, that is their weakness, having themselves inflexible mind patterns they can’t assume non psychopathic personalities can change their point of view and behave according to this new point of view.
myheart,
I think there are in fact people who send them to hell. There are not so many people who allow to be exploited. But of course they’ll tell you they’re irresistible blah blah blah. Are bluffs. Remember they’re poker players.
What an interesting concept, romanticfool: the emotional and physical hoarding.
Hanging onto things that no longer have a place in our lives is burdensome. Not to mention unhealthy.
Just as continuing to focus on these losers keeps us stuck!
Thank you for a breath of fresh air!
Eva – ‘this is very interesting and one of the reasons i think the backspath can work so well: ‘Their intuition is a disaster, that is their weakness, having themselves inflexible mind patterns they can’t assume non psychopathic personalities can change their point of view and behave according to this new point of view. ‘
what does “backspath” mean?
hi darwinsmom, a backspath is when we are able to disengage from loving wanted yearning for them, and do something that slows or ends their ‘game’ – while still protecting ourselves. for example: erin brock has been able to get her ex served with papers although he is moving around all the time – because she has made it her job to follow his movements through a variety of means, and to cultivate relationships with people who are important to her being able to oh so very quietly keep tabs on him.
tnx, one joy for explaining
For me “backspath” is self defense, it’s to tell no lies to oneself and to recognize to oneself that one has made a mistake and to start taking steps back.
One joy, as they don’t know how you feel one can give them surprises by this side. But i would not do it as a sport but just as self defense. The aim must be to see them for what they are and willingly to get rid of them because one understands that it’s always dangerous to have one of these toxic individuals near us.