Lovefraud recently received the following e-mail from a reader:
How do I process a relationship that had so many lies in it that I don’t know really with whom I was involved?
I miss the person I thought I knew so much, but at the same time, he was involved with someone else, and others, since at least last June. I thought he had had one affair—but not anything to the extent that it looks like now.
How do I process a relationship I never had? Was he lying the whole time acting out the “I love you’s”, the romantic comments, and the idea that we should be together? Is it all an act?
Most of us are reading and posting on Lovefraud because we were intensely, callously, brutally deceived in a relationship with a sociopath. The betrayal was so deep, and so profound, that all we can say is that the person we thought we knew, the relationship we thought we had, didn’t exist.
Much has been written here on Lovefraud about the different aspects of recovery. But in response to this reader’s e-mail, I’ll review some of the key points.
Understanding sociopaths and “love”
Sociopaths do not feel empathy for other human beings. Therefore, they do not have the ability to love as we understand it. There is no emotional connection, no true caring for the target of their “affections.”
What is going on when sociopaths say, “I love you?” They are not all the same, so there is a range of explanations for what they mean.
At the clueless end of the range, sociopaths may view the target as attractive arm candy, or may like the attention they receive from the target, or may enjoy sex with the target. Sociopaths may label as “love” whatever it is they feel with the target. So, “I love you,” means, “I like how I look when you’re with me,” or, “I like the fact that you’re showering me with attention,” or, “I like having sex with you.”
At the sinister end of the range, sociopaths know they are cold-hearted predators and view their targets the way cats view mice. These sociopaths play with their targets for awhile, then, when they tire of the game, abandon them, leaving the targets battered and gasping. Or, some sociopaths will go in for the kill, usually figuratively, but sometimes literally.
The reader asked, “Is it all an act?” Often, the answer is yes.
Accepting reality
The sociopath may have painted a picture of an exquisite future of unending togetherness and bliss. Or, the sociopath may have latched on to our own nurturing instincts, and convinced us that they can only survive with our caring and support. Then the mask slips, the story unravels, and we learn that everything we believed was a lie.
We must accept this reality. We must believe our own eyes and recognize the truth.
This may be really difficult. We thought we were working towards our dream. We made important life decisions based on what we were told. We may have spent a lot of money—maybe all of our money—at the behest of the sociopath.
We don’t want to believe that it was all a cruel mirage. We argue with ourselves—there must be some other explanation, some other reason. We may say, “I must have misunderstood; no one can be that heartless.”
Yes, sociopaths are that heartless.
The reasons they are heartless do not matter. Yes, in some cases they have had bad parents and a terrible childhood. But as an adult, they are not going to change. They are what they are, and the sooner we accept that, the sooner we can begin to recover.
Time and permission to recover
The psychological and emotional damage that we suffer because of our entanglements with sociopaths is often extensive. We may experience anxiety, depression, guilt, self-hatred, and perhaps even post traumatic stress disorder.
Some of us are so angry with ourselves for falling for the scam that we punish ourselves by blocking our own recovery. We say we will never trust again; never love again.
Please do not feel this way. If you never recover, giving up on trust and love, the sociopath will have truly won. Deny him or her that victory. Give yourself permission to recover.
Recovering from this damage is not an event; it’s a process. Readers often ask, “How long will it take?” The answer: It will take as long as it takes.
We may need to move forward in several directions at once, but it’s okay to move forward slowly. Some steps to take:
- Protecting our physical safety, if the sociopath has made threats, and what remains of our financial assets.
- Taking care of our physical health—eating right, getting enough exercise and sleep, avoiding alcohol and other substances.
- Finding a way to release the pent-up anger and pain within us, without showing it to the sociopath, because that will backfire.
- Rebuilding relationships with family members and friends that were damaged because of the sociopath.
- Letting moments of joy, no matter how small, into our lives. Joy expands, so the more we can let in, the more it will grow and the better we will feel.
The Lovefraud Blog has many more articles that focus on how to recover from the sociopathic entanglement. You’ll find them in the following category:
Believe in yourself. You can do this. You can get past the experience. You may have lost your innocence, but in the end, you’ll gain invaluable wisdom.
I haven’t posted for nearly a year but still read others’ posts. Today I am hurting badly and really need help. The relationship with my N/S started about 9 years ago and came out of a business relationship (we live in different towns). It was a strong relationship for the first few years but crumbled when he took up with someone else, letting me find out in a very cruel way.
Since that time and after a period of no contact, we have seen each other at meetings perhaps a half dozen times. There is no way to avoid going to the meetings since it is my work. Mostly he has kept touch via email and occasionally he will call. He is usually the one that initiates contact. Last summer in July I cut off contact for several months but he wormed his way back in “as a friend” and I let him. Somehow I “forget” the bad stuff when we are on good terms and I have been able to compartmentalize my feelings, or so I thought.
Recently I saw him at a conference for the first time in over a year and a half. At first I handled myself very well but by the second day I found myself feeling that unmistakable “attraction” whenever he was within sight. WHAT IS THAT?? It must be pure testosterone, and so palpable. Unbelievable and undeniable chemistry! I can tell he feels it, too and I believe others notice. Spending time with him is so easy.. feels like we have known each other forever. It truly is comfortable and unlike any relationship I have ever had. Again, WHAT IS THAT?
It is truly like an addiction because it is always just under the surface and can be brought out easily at any time. So like an IDIOT, I went to dinner with him, we had long talks, hugs, kisses, then of course I caved and we had a couple of days together. I still cannot believe this happened.. it seemed like a dream. I had zero control.
Before parting ways, I told myself this was just a bump in the road and that I could walk away and feel nothing. ha! He is still seeing the same person he left me for five years ago although he says it is not a compatible or happy relationship, he is still in it and seems to be accountable to her. I rationalized to myself that he must not care about her since he was with me!!!! He even said she asked if he would be seeing me at the conference and that she was jealous… and that she was calling constantly to check up on him. Almost as if he was bragging but it doesn’t come across that way in person. Looking back, it’s very much like a teenager and this is a middle aged man!
(Shouldn’t I have picked up on the clues here? My heart was obviously lagging way behind my head)
A few days after leaving, I began feeling depressed and wondering why he didn’t bother to call. He sent a few emails, that’s all, saying only that he enjoyed my company. There was my answer.. I felt used and sick at my stomach but it was my fault for going there.
About a week later he called to chat and it was back to more or less a platonic attitude on his part so I assumed all was well with his girlfriend again and things would return to “normal,” whatever that is.
Interesting side note. While we were together, he mentioned that he had made a new female friend and that they had a lot in common. He said he thought she was interested in women not men and that they would be traveling as part of a group this weekend. Why he mentioned her to me out of the blue, I cannot be sure, but it planted a seed in my mind. Well, he is now on the trip and called last night. I asked if his friend was joining him; he said yes but that it was not the kind of relationship I thought it was. Suddenly I felt overcome with jealousy and, yes, annoyance, that once again I was being emotionally manipulated! He got the reaction he probably wanted (needed) from me. I ended the conversation in a huff. This morning he emailed that he was sorry I was hurting, etc. It was so patronizing. I was very upset and mad at myself, so much so that I nearly passed out.
Just the thought of him being with someone else when I was just with him… well, it brought everything to the surface, all the hurt and disappointment of the last nine years. This never seems to completely go away, and now I feel back at square one.
I’m not sure he is CONSCIOUSLY aware of how manipulative he is but he manages to keep women entangled while hurting them, and I have noticed through the years that he always “mentions” another woman that is in his life just before some dramatic breakup or other event. He never lets one go without having another on the hook. He goes from one relationship to the next but keeps the old connections intact for supply, I suppose. That would be me (supply).
WHY? WHY? WHY???
Candy,
this is a very interesting topic, for various reasons.
I get the feeling that your spath’s wife is a spath herself.
The reason I say this is because she wasted your time.
Spaths like to find “fixers” like us and present us with a problem that inspires us to want to help. we do this with gusto and enthusiasm, imagining the benefits that the spath will get and feeling warm and fuzzy because we think there will be gratitude. Then the spath will sabotage your work, or he will announce that you help was not needed, or inadequate. In the end, they make you feel like, “gee, why did I waste my time?”
The “fixer” is a person who cares a lot, and they look for us as a primary victim. We are so fun to fuck with because we can’t resist “fixing”. We want to make people feel better. It’s our own pathology because it makes us vulnerable to any spath that lands on us and begins to suck our emotions.
I wish someone would invent a spray-on spath repellant. We could call it Spath-Off. 😛
mo,
sorry you got hurt again, but you know that’s what happens when you feed the spaths – they bite.
Spaths feed on emotions and you fed him yours. But it’s not enough to feed on the emotions, they also inject an anti-coagulant so that your emotions don’t clot, they just flow easily out of the wound and the spath doesn’t even have to suck very hard, they can lick the emotions right off your face.
The anti-coagulant was the “seed” you felt getting planted in your brain and it’s called jealousy/envy. This is their favorite anti-coagulant/seed. It’s even better than the pity ploy seed.
There’s nothing you can do now but go NC and try to get that seed out.
mo152-that is how they are and they are NEVER going to change. He stirs up drama in you and is messing with you-just like mine did in so many ways. He almost seems like he enjoys toying with you. There is absolutely no point in asking why, because you will never know other than that’s how THEY are and we cannot expect ANY different from them.
NO CONTACT NO CONTACT NO CONTACT. I know it’s hard because of work but keep it all down to only contact you ABSOLUTELY must have that is related to the job. If he calls and emails, do not listen/read them-DELETE them. If we weren’t in this horrible economy I would say get another job. I am unemployed now though and totally distraught so it’s hard for me to recommend that.
You can do this but you have to change how you deal with him and it’s obvious that contact by email/phone whatever is just too much for you and you get snared back in. He is disrespecting you and toying with you and you are going to continue to get hurt.
mo152. My heart aches for you and what he has put you through. Sometimes we have to go back again and again before we actually realise that it’s over.
He’s playing you like a fiddle. He keeps you dangling…..but you know this. He’s messing with other women………….you know this. He’s leaving you high and dry….but you know that. He doesn’t want you on a full time basis……but you know that. He’s living with another woman…..but you know that. You ask the question WHY? And you know that too.
He will NEVER be the man you hoped for. He will NEVER change. You will NEVER have the relationship you were promised and dreamed for. He will NEVER make you happy.
Try starting again today…..NC (((hugs))))
Sky – thanks. I really had not thought of it that way (she was a spath too?) My kids told me to back off – to let her get on with it. But ‘fixer’ that I am I tried to help her. Well no more. I’m done.
song request – A place to fall apart – by Merle Haggard
Hens-I live “A Soft Place To Fall” by Allison Moorer.
well, the poor schizophrenic neighbor is really losing it. the db neighbor called the cops on him. i hope the police take him to inpatients. he can’t cope out here in the world.
oh my