Lovefraud recently received the following e-mail from a reader:
How do I process a relationship that had so many lies in it that I don’t know really with whom I was involved?
I miss the person I thought I knew so much, but at the same time, he was involved with someone else, and others, since at least last June. I thought he had had one affair—but not anything to the extent that it looks like now.
How do I process a relationship I never had? Was he lying the whole time acting out the “I love you’s”, the romantic comments, and the idea that we should be together? Is it all an act?
Most of us are reading and posting on Lovefraud because we were intensely, callously, brutally deceived in a relationship with a sociopath. The betrayal was so deep, and so profound, that all we can say is that the person we thought we knew, the relationship we thought we had, didn’t exist.
Much has been written here on Lovefraud about the different aspects of recovery. But in response to this reader’s e-mail, I’ll review some of the key points.
Understanding sociopaths and “love”
Sociopaths do not feel empathy for other human beings. Therefore, they do not have the ability to love as we understand it. There is no emotional connection, no true caring for the target of their “affections.”
What is going on when sociopaths say, “I love you?” They are not all the same, so there is a range of explanations for what they mean.
At the clueless end of the range, sociopaths may view the target as attractive arm candy, or may like the attention they receive from the target, or may enjoy sex with the target. Sociopaths may label as “love” whatever it is they feel with the target. So, “I love you,” means, “I like how I look when you’re with me,” or, “I like the fact that you’re showering me with attention,” or, “I like having sex with you.”
At the sinister end of the range, sociopaths know they are cold-hearted predators and view their targets the way cats view mice. These sociopaths play with their targets for awhile, then, when they tire of the game, abandon them, leaving the targets battered and gasping. Or, some sociopaths will go in for the kill, usually figuratively, but sometimes literally.
The reader asked, “Is it all an act?” Often, the answer is yes.
Accepting reality
The sociopath may have painted a picture of an exquisite future of unending togetherness and bliss. Or, the sociopath may have latched on to our own nurturing instincts, and convinced us that they can only survive with our caring and support. Then the mask slips, the story unravels, and we learn that everything we believed was a lie.
We must accept this reality. We must believe our own eyes and recognize the truth.
This may be really difficult. We thought we were working towards our dream. We made important life decisions based on what we were told. We may have spent a lot of money—maybe all of our money—at the behest of the sociopath.
We don’t want to believe that it was all a cruel mirage. We argue with ourselves—there must be some other explanation, some other reason. We may say, “I must have misunderstood; no one can be that heartless.”
Yes, sociopaths are that heartless.
The reasons they are heartless do not matter. Yes, in some cases they have had bad parents and a terrible childhood. But as an adult, they are not going to change. They are what they are, and the sooner we accept that, the sooner we can begin to recover.
Time and permission to recover
The psychological and emotional damage that we suffer because of our entanglements with sociopaths is often extensive. We may experience anxiety, depression, guilt, self-hatred, and perhaps even post traumatic stress disorder.
Some of us are so angry with ourselves for falling for the scam that we punish ourselves by blocking our own recovery. We say we will never trust again; never love again.
Please do not feel this way. If you never recover, giving up on trust and love, the sociopath will have truly won. Deny him or her that victory. Give yourself permission to recover.
Recovering from this damage is not an event; it’s a process. Readers often ask, “How long will it take?” The answer: It will take as long as it takes.
We may need to move forward in several directions at once, but it’s okay to move forward slowly. Some steps to take:
- Protecting our physical safety, if the sociopath has made threats, and what remains of our financial assets.
- Taking care of our physical health—eating right, getting enough exercise and sleep, avoiding alcohol and other substances.
- Finding a way to release the pent-up anger and pain within us, without showing it to the sociopath, because that will backfire.
- Rebuilding relationships with family members and friends that were damaged because of the sociopath.
- Letting moments of joy, no matter how small, into our lives. Joy expands, so the more we can let in, the more it will grow and the better we will feel.
The Lovefraud Blog has many more articles that focus on how to recover from the sociopathic entanglement. You’ll find them in the following category:
Believe in yourself. You can do this. You can get past the experience. You may have lost your innocence, but in the end, you’ll gain invaluable wisdom.
I felt exspath was bi, even his doughter told him many times, dad you act more female. He is more is decoration, and very much in to how to dress, impressed bu Michael Jackson, and other men, never had problem saying which man he finds attractive.
I as a woman admire a good looking woman, women do that, we copy each other in dress, jewalries etc…., but nothing more than that. His was kind of little more.
No COntact doesn’t mean you don’t think about them. O h gosh I think about it all the time, and I want to stop that. NC is for communication with him.
Hens-from what I hear it would be pretty hard for him to do so. He is on a serious choke collar, His wife insists that they ride to and from work together except when he’s on call. She barely lets him out of her sight and he hasn’t had sex with her in like 7-8 years from what she says
well thanks for all the input on my latest drama
Hens:
Exactly! That spath is getting it somewhere believe me!!!!!! They will find ways. Mine says the same thing…hasn’t had sex with his wife since 2007, but I know he’s getting it somewhere.
oh my
I think now loudly, he must be more homo than bi. Because everytime his one lie came out, he would beg me not to break the relationship, and would say I know you don’t want to sleep with me, I am just happy to hold your hand for rest of my life.
Then at the end as already said few times, he said he would hold my hand for another 10 years and then marry again with full commitment. I told him it means it is not going to be a fulfilled relationship, he said that is fine, I said well then how come you run to another woman’s arm when your first wife died within weeks, and how come you went on line looking for anybody on the earth within few weeks walking away from this relationship.
He showed such a shocking, oh you don’t trsut me, then well…… I asked him, just to test him out, so how will we satified our intimate needs, if we are holding hands for 10 years (just to see how far he would go), he truly said we will do MB to satisfy us. I said calmy goodbye dear, go make somebody else fool……
What’s it mean when a man says he’d rather cuddle than have sex? I really want to know. Insight? And yes, all parts work very normally.
it means your his security blanket and he is gettin his nookie somewhere else
Katy-it means that they just wanna snuggle and be close maybe without the clothes coming off. My ex did that occasionally-if he was up for long hours in the O.R and he was exhausted. He would then like to me to lay on top of him on the couch with my head on his chest and watch tv or something. We didn’t want the relationship to only be sex all the time. We used to go shoot our guns together too.
Katy, I’ve never known of a man who would rather cuddle than have sex. Most men I know cannot cuddle without it ending in sex. I’m inclined to agree with Hens on this one.
nolarn, too bad you couldn’t have had a little shooting accident with your gun……..oh, my bad!!!!!!!