Lovefraud recently received the following e-mail from a reader:
How do I process a relationship that had so many lies in it that I don’t know really with whom I was involved?
I miss the person I thought I knew so much, but at the same time, he was involved with someone else, and others, since at least last June. I thought he had had one affair—but not anything to the extent that it looks like now.
How do I process a relationship I never had? Was he lying the whole time acting out the “I love you’s”, the romantic comments, and the idea that we should be together? Is it all an act?
Most of us are reading and posting on Lovefraud because we were intensely, callously, brutally deceived in a relationship with a sociopath. The betrayal was so deep, and so profound, that all we can say is that the person we thought we knew, the relationship we thought we had, didn’t exist.
Much has been written here on Lovefraud about the different aspects of recovery. But in response to this reader’s e-mail, I’ll review some of the key points.
Understanding sociopaths and “love”
Sociopaths do not feel empathy for other human beings. Therefore, they do not have the ability to love as we understand it. There is no emotional connection, no true caring for the target of their “affections.”
What is going on when sociopaths say, “I love you?” They are not all the same, so there is a range of explanations for what they mean.
At the clueless end of the range, sociopaths may view the target as attractive arm candy, or may like the attention they receive from the target, or may enjoy sex with the target. Sociopaths may label as “love” whatever it is they feel with the target. So, “I love you,” means, “I like how I look when you’re with me,” or, “I like the fact that you’re showering me with attention,” or, “I like having sex with you.”
At the sinister end of the range, sociopaths know they are cold-hearted predators and view their targets the way cats view mice. These sociopaths play with their targets for awhile, then, when they tire of the game, abandon them, leaving the targets battered and gasping. Or, some sociopaths will go in for the kill, usually figuratively, but sometimes literally.
The reader asked, “Is it all an act?” Often, the answer is yes.
Accepting reality
The sociopath may have painted a picture of an exquisite future of unending togetherness and bliss. Or, the sociopath may have latched on to our own nurturing instincts, and convinced us that they can only survive with our caring and support. Then the mask slips, the story unravels, and we learn that everything we believed was a lie.
We must accept this reality. We must believe our own eyes and recognize the truth.
This may be really difficult. We thought we were working towards our dream. We made important life decisions based on what we were told. We may have spent a lot of money—maybe all of our money—at the behest of the sociopath.
We don’t want to believe that it was all a cruel mirage. We argue with ourselves—there must be some other explanation, some other reason. We may say, “I must have misunderstood; no one can be that heartless.”
Yes, sociopaths are that heartless.
The reasons they are heartless do not matter. Yes, in some cases they have had bad parents and a terrible childhood. But as an adult, they are not going to change. They are what they are, and the sooner we accept that, the sooner we can begin to recover.
Time and permission to recover
The psychological and emotional damage that we suffer because of our entanglements with sociopaths is often extensive. We may experience anxiety, depression, guilt, self-hatred, and perhaps even post traumatic stress disorder.
Some of us are so angry with ourselves for falling for the scam that we punish ourselves by blocking our own recovery. We say we will never trust again; never love again.
Please do not feel this way. If you never recover, giving up on trust and love, the sociopath will have truly won. Deny him or her that victory. Give yourself permission to recover.
Recovering from this damage is not an event; it’s a process. Readers often ask, “How long will it take?” The answer: It will take as long as it takes.
We may need to move forward in several directions at once, but it’s okay to move forward slowly. Some steps to take:
- Protecting our physical safety, if the sociopath has made threats, and what remains of our financial assets.
- Taking care of our physical health—eating right, getting enough exercise and sleep, avoiding alcohol and other substances.
- Finding a way to release the pent-up anger and pain within us, without showing it to the sociopath, because that will backfire.
- Rebuilding relationships with family members and friends that were damaged because of the sociopath.
- Letting moments of joy, no matter how small, into our lives. Joy expands, so the more we can let in, the more it will grow and the better we will feel.
The Lovefraud Blog has many more articles that focus on how to recover from the sociopathic entanglement. You’ll find them in the following category:
Believe in yourself. You can do this. You can get past the experience. You may have lost your innocence, but in the end, you’ll gain invaluable wisdom.
It is human nature to want something (or someone) more when you can’t have them. Even all the literature on how to catch and keep a man (yes, I admit, I read that stuff) says that if you are too easy, a man will not think you have much value. They look at the “one who got away” and wonder if they made a mistake. We all glamorize relationships after the fact, remembering only the good times. I think this is human nature. All of this becomes elevated, however, with a spath, because it’s all a game to them. They want to see if they can get you back only so they can discard you again. Just like Kim says, it’s a game. This is where we can’t be vulnerable to the compliments, to the love bombing. “Oh baby, you’re the best thing that ever happened to me….blah blah blah…..I’ll always love you….” My spath told me “I’ll always love you, though” while he was discarding me! Then after the discard, he acted like it was no big deal and we should be together again. Crazy stuff. I think the key to resisting those games is to be resistant to the compliments. They don’t mean anything. We have to learn to value ourselves and think we are beautiful, lovable people without having to be told this by a spath (or anyone else for that matter).
I am going to be resistant to all compliments from now on!
Cuddling…mine loved to cuddle. Just like a lot of comments here, he was actually very sweet and childlike at times, but I guess we know that is part of the game.
Dear eb92044,
You asked if his new “friend” could actually be gay and then I wouldn’t have anything to worry about. Good point, of course, but the crazy thing here is he is not accountable to me anymore yet told me about this new”friend” when he didn’t have to!! Why would he do that? I would have never known otherwise. I believe he does this to women to plant a seed and make them jealous, stir up drama, and then he feeds off all of that.
That is why I became so angry and hurt.. because I really thought I could handle the emotional fallout after being with him recently, then when he added this extra layer of the “new friend” and pulled the disappearing act with her this weekend, it became too much for me to handle emotionally. I believe he orchestrated the whole thing and why he would do this, I cannot be sure except that he enjoys the attention.
Yesterday afternoon he texted that he would call me last night, but of course never did. Instead, he sent a late night email then another email early this morning. I suppose that is his way of proving that he was not with her all night.. whatever! That’s an easy way out for him – I have noticed he relies on email instead of facing what he has created. Again, HE is the one who pursues, creates, then wants to escape. I am not calling, leaving messages, asking where he is – I don’t have the right to do this since we are not in a relationship… and it’s just not my style.
But when a man says he will do something (like calling) then does not, it’s not only disrespectful and damaging but makes the woman on the receiving end start doubting her own sanity! He has done this for years and I have put up with it. When I have confronted him about his rudeness, he seems genuinely surprised and apologizes but it seems empty and of course he does not change.
So, thanks to the support I received here yesterday, I have ignored his emails. Back to Square One, Day One. No Contact Zone.
Hugs to all,
MO
Also, I had a dream about the X last night and I never dream about him. I don’t like it.
eb,
See! It’s so hard to get away.. they even infiltrate your dreams! Sick!
MO:
I totally understand that. My X triangulated me BIG TIME with another woman at work AND he was married! (separated at the time making everyone believe he wasn’t going back). When he was with her, he would talk about me and when he was with me, he would talk about her! It was insane. I ended up leaving a very good job of 12 years because of all of it. A mess. Of course he is still there I am sure playing his same old games even though he is back home.
Another thing you said rang true to me. Mine would also do ALL the pursuing, emails, texts. It was never me until a little later and even then, I did it very little because I am not that type of woman to chase a man. But what I saw in my situation is that as long as I would engage him, of course he would play with me. He also was doing a lot of the contact later on, but a lot of the time, if I wasn’t contacting him, I wouldn’t hear from him.
mo-good for you and I am doing NC with you this morning. You CAN do it and ignoring his emails was a good start.
eb-your spath is SO much like mine-it’s crazy
You know what I can say about the texting? The only fight my spath and I ever had in person was when he discarded me and he couldn’t handle it. He would start fights by text message or he would start something when he was on the phone with me pulling into his driveway, so he couldn’t talk because she was in the house.That was his thing. We had made a promise to each other in the beginning of the relationship that if we fought, we would never go to bed angry-everything would be settled before we closed our eyes for the night.
When he would start something like that I would call his phone or text and tell him that he had better find a way to talk with me on the phone or in person asap to fix the problem, or the relationship was over, that I wasn’t going to tolerate that. Within 15 minutes he would be calling me because he had to find an excuse to get out the house-be it running an errand or talking his dogs on a nice long walk. He would call me crying and begging me not to break it off-big tough guy once again acting like a child. My mistake was falling for the tears and letting him get away with that so many times. From now on, I will not do a relationship based on texts/emails-it’s a red flag. From now on, you lie to me once and that’s it-no get out of jail free card and no three strikes you’re out.This is not monopoly or baseball.
eb,
You are right.. even if they are the pursuer, if we start ignoring them, they do go away (at least for a while). But later if they have the slightest excuse for contact they will take advantage of it. Last summer when I became disgusted by a lie he told that was so transparent, I cut off contact in June. However, by September he was on a committee through work and started sending me businesslike emails which at the end would have a P.S. asking how I was doing. Because of work, I had to respond to some of the emails and tried hard to keep it business like. But he kept at it and of course I caved, thinking that being in contact was harmless. Before I knew it he was contacting me several times a week.
As so many posters here have said, the spath can’t stand to be ignored but they are too weak (or disordered) to know how to pursue what they say they want. They just move on to more available supply, but the other women never get what they want, either. My spath has been divorced twice and has a string of broken hearts in his history, and he wonders out loud why his life is so empty. He talks about the “future” and wanting a committed relationship. I wonder when he thinks this will happen?
eb-if I didn’t contact mine he would be texting to find out what was going on. I think mine had a little bit of an insecurity at times that I would go back to women or find a younger guy who wasn’t attached.