Lovefraud recently received the following e-mail from a reader:
How do I process a relationship that had so many lies in it that I don’t know really with whom I was involved?
I miss the person I thought I knew so much, but at the same time, he was involved with someone else, and others, since at least last June. I thought he had had one affair—but not anything to the extent that it looks like now.
How do I process a relationship I never had? Was he lying the whole time acting out the “I love you’s”, the romantic comments, and the idea that we should be together? Is it all an act?
Most of us are reading and posting on Lovefraud because we were intensely, callously, brutally deceived in a relationship with a sociopath. The betrayal was so deep, and so profound, that all we can say is that the person we thought we knew, the relationship we thought we had, didn’t exist.
Much has been written here on Lovefraud about the different aspects of recovery. But in response to this reader’s e-mail, I’ll review some of the key points.
Understanding sociopaths and “love”
Sociopaths do not feel empathy for other human beings. Therefore, they do not have the ability to love as we understand it. There is no emotional connection, no true caring for the target of their “affections.”
What is going on when sociopaths say, “I love you?” They are not all the same, so there is a range of explanations for what they mean.
At the clueless end of the range, sociopaths may view the target as attractive arm candy, or may like the attention they receive from the target, or may enjoy sex with the target. Sociopaths may label as “love” whatever it is they feel with the target. So, “I love you,” means, “I like how I look when you’re with me,” or, “I like the fact that you’re showering me with attention,” or, “I like having sex with you.”
At the sinister end of the range, sociopaths know they are cold-hearted predators and view their targets the way cats view mice. These sociopaths play with their targets for awhile, then, when they tire of the game, abandon them, leaving the targets battered and gasping. Or, some sociopaths will go in for the kill, usually figuratively, but sometimes literally.
The reader asked, “Is it all an act?” Often, the answer is yes.
Accepting reality
The sociopath may have painted a picture of an exquisite future of unending togetherness and bliss. Or, the sociopath may have latched on to our own nurturing instincts, and convinced us that they can only survive with our caring and support. Then the mask slips, the story unravels, and we learn that everything we believed was a lie.
We must accept this reality. We must believe our own eyes and recognize the truth.
This may be really difficult. We thought we were working towards our dream. We made important life decisions based on what we were told. We may have spent a lot of money—maybe all of our money—at the behest of the sociopath.
We don’t want to believe that it was all a cruel mirage. We argue with ourselves—there must be some other explanation, some other reason. We may say, “I must have misunderstood; no one can be that heartless.”
Yes, sociopaths are that heartless.
The reasons they are heartless do not matter. Yes, in some cases they have had bad parents and a terrible childhood. But as an adult, they are not going to change. They are what they are, and the sooner we accept that, the sooner we can begin to recover.
Time and permission to recover
The psychological and emotional damage that we suffer because of our entanglements with sociopaths is often extensive. We may experience anxiety, depression, guilt, self-hatred, and perhaps even post traumatic stress disorder.
Some of us are so angry with ourselves for falling for the scam that we punish ourselves by blocking our own recovery. We say we will never trust again; never love again.
Please do not feel this way. If you never recover, giving up on trust and love, the sociopath will have truly won. Deny him or her that victory. Give yourself permission to recover.
Recovering from this damage is not an event; it’s a process. Readers often ask, “How long will it take?” The answer: It will take as long as it takes.
We may need to move forward in several directions at once, but it’s okay to move forward slowly. Some steps to take:
- Protecting our physical safety, if the sociopath has made threats, and what remains of our financial assets.
- Taking care of our physical health—eating right, getting enough exercise and sleep, avoiding alcohol and other substances.
- Finding a way to release the pent-up anger and pain within us, without showing it to the sociopath, because that will backfire.
- Rebuilding relationships with family members and friends that were damaged because of the sociopath.
- Letting moments of joy, no matter how small, into our lives. Joy expands, so the more we can let in, the more it will grow and the better we will feel.
The Lovefraud Blog has many more articles that focus on how to recover from the sociopathic entanglement. You’ll find them in the following category:
Believe in yourself. You can do this. You can get past the experience. You may have lost your innocence, but in the end, you’ll gain invaluable wisdom.
See, mine was way different or else I wasn’t a very good supply. He only lovebombed me at first with all the contact and then again down the road when I was leaving my job. But I never got all the stuff you guys got where he wouldn’t leave me alone, etc. And he has only had one marriage and it’s been long term…close to 20 years now. He’s an extremely tough one to crack. I guess even as an spath, he just wasn’t that into me!!
eb-mine only had one marriage too-last year was his 25 year anniversary. I remember he started something with me not long before she found out about us. We didn’t know when I was going to start my police academy at first, or when I would graduate. He was afraid that they would try to graduate us on the week of their anniversary. The year before we got together they went out of town-per her request for the anniversary. He was all talking about what would happen if my graduation was on the same week. He got me all upset because he knew this was the MOST important thing to me and he PROMISED that he would be there no matter what-to pin my badge on me for the first time. He had me worked up about this before the academy even started. Even if I had been able to stay in the class, my class didn’t graduate til Oct 31, 2009-way over a month after his anniversary. I think he enjoyed making me squirm and get upset.
Can I ask, did anyone have problems with their spath only liking/eating certain foods and saying they were allergic to a particular food?
No but mine c/o his wife only liking no food that he likes
Oh yes, my husbands ex claims she has allergies to LOTS of things, and VERY picky about foods she eats. Also has the DR convinced that the 16 yr old son they co-parent has: asthma, and several other questionable health issues.
It’s all part of the DRAMA.
I needed a place to post a piece of news about my sister, and this seemed the most apropo, since I have had to reevaluate a relationship that didn’t really exist with my sister. It was a fiction, or at least, there is a part of my sister that really did have a relationship with me and a part that just shouts out accusations of all my failings.
Here is the news: MY SISTER NOW HAS BREAST CANCER.
Yes, I know — that changes everything, doesn’t it? Suddenly, I’m supposed to rush to her bedside and beg forgiveness, tell her I love her, and help her heal this relationship in her life. And I’m not doing that. Who is the spath here, in the eyes of others? Me.
I started to wonder if there was a “breast cancer personality.” Of course, the mainstream is rushing to show us that there isn’t one. Why would they let us accept the obvious, when every Breast Cancer March is full of these little frozen-smiles-on-legs, raising money for their “good cause”?
But I did find this blurb from Dr. Christiane Northrup:
“As far back as the 1800’s, the medical literature has noted associations between breast cancer and loneliness, sorrow, and even rage and anger. Women with breast cancer frequently have a tendency towards self-sacrifice, inhibted sexuality, an inability to see themselves as supported by others, an inability to discharge anger or hostility, a tendency to hide anger and hostility behind a facade of pleasantness, and an unresolved hostile conflict with their mothers.”
So here’s my question, my puzzle: My sister never showed a “tendency towards self-sacrifice.” And is supported by others to an extent that is simply pathological: My parents continue to “support” her in any way necessary, with little concern to how I’ll be holding bag, so to speak, when they’re gone.
But read it carefully: “an inability to SEE THEMSELVES AS supported by others.” There it is. No matter how much I gave, she was unable to see it. She would only break down and profess her undying love and gratitude when I held out for it, told her to cut the b.s. Otherwise, I was the cold, uncaring big sister who stole her boyfriends while we were growing up (what??!), never shared anything (huh??!), cared little for how she felt when I succeeded at things and she failed (guilty as charged! I had a right to my autonomy), and generally abused her devotion and admiration by humiliating her.
It was all manipulation.
Can anyone else comment on the “breast cancer personality” among spaths? Or is there none? Are they all just immune to breast cancer because they don’t care about anyone? Or do they also get breast cancer?
By the way, I’ve bragged that I’m “too much of a bitch to get breast cancer.” I mean, I nearly started a riot at the breast doctor’s when he left me waiting for him for an hour in an examining room. One look at the horrified looks on the faces of the women there told me, I’d better get out of here. There’s no self-respect here. I’ve found other ways to prevent breast cancer than submitting to the establishment and its x-rays and fear.
I’m a bitch, all right, and I demand my rights. But those are rights. Not usurping on someone else’s rights. Not retreating into passive-aggressiveness and manipulation. (Except for my newfound sport of throwing that kind of thing right back at spaths and then laughing at them when they look kind of shocked.)
I also see myself as unsupported by others sometimes. Especially my parents. But I nurture myself. I’ve learned to reach out to friends for help. I dare breast cancer to even come near. Come on, I dare ya! I’ll kick its butt, just as I kicked cervical cancer’s butt a few years ago. (Yes . . . I am under a diagnosis even today. . . . But don’t worry. I’m fine. I don’t negotiate with “terrorists.”)
there is no breast cancer personality. many of the women in my family are currently battling this disease, a few have died. the only thing they had in common was their dna. anyone can get this disease, even men. personality disorders are irrelevant. i participate in fund-raising runs every year and do not consider myself or anyone else who participates to be a “frozen smile on legs” and fwiw, it’s a good cause and not a “good cause.” you are now at higher risk since your sister has breast cancer. i hope you are vigilent about self exam and mammograms.
I get thermograms and take iodine supplements and seaweed. I also pay attention to alkalizing my diet. And I’m an assertive woman who speaks her mind when she feels like it.
My biological grandmother died of breast cancer — but she was 91 at the time. There is cancer in my mother’s family, but it tends to be other kinds.
And the breast cancer marches are a scam to keep us all indoctrinated into one way of treating breast cancer, which is the most chemical and radiation toxic, the most self-sacrificing. That’s what “awareness” is: propaganda. Where exactly DOES all that money go, except to researchers who are already funded by the government? What’s with all the pink teddy bears, except to infantilize us?
We can prevent breast cancer. We really can. But all the ways the establishment tells us to do so are calculated to cause it. They are also calculated to keep women in their place: scared, obedient, unquestioning.
My sister is precisely the person described: unable to express her rage except in underhanded ways. Clutching a pink teddy bear, such a scared little child. And vicious as hell.
Dear Changed: I am so sorry to hear of your families issues with breast cancer. I will pray for you and yours in winning this battle.
I wholeheartedly agree with you. Personality disorders have absolutely NOTHING to do with breast cancer.
I know many folks that participate in fund-raising and breast-cancer awareness campaigns. I in fact, am one of them. The only reason that someone who does this may seem to have a “frozen-smile” is because they are holding back tears. Losing someone to breast cancer, or any other type of cancer is a heart-wrenching experience. Just thinking about it makes me emotional.
The my sister is right. I am cold and unfeeling.