Lovefraud recently received the following e-mail from a reader:
How do I process a relationship that had so many lies in it that I don’t know really with whom I was involved?
I miss the person I thought I knew so much, but at the same time, he was involved with someone else, and others, since at least last June. I thought he had had one affair—but not anything to the extent that it looks like now.
How do I process a relationship I never had? Was he lying the whole time acting out the “I love you’s”, the romantic comments, and the idea that we should be together? Is it all an act?
Most of us are reading and posting on Lovefraud because we were intensely, callously, brutally deceived in a relationship with a sociopath. The betrayal was so deep, and so profound, that all we can say is that the person we thought we knew, the relationship we thought we had, didn’t exist.
Much has been written here on Lovefraud about the different aspects of recovery. But in response to this reader’s e-mail, I’ll review some of the key points.
Understanding sociopaths and “love”
Sociopaths do not feel empathy for other human beings. Therefore, they do not have the ability to love as we understand it. There is no emotional connection, no true caring for the target of their “affections.”
What is going on when sociopaths say, “I love you?” They are not all the same, so there is a range of explanations for what they mean.
At the clueless end of the range, sociopaths may view the target as attractive arm candy, or may like the attention they receive from the target, or may enjoy sex with the target. Sociopaths may label as “love” whatever it is they feel with the target. So, “I love you,” means, “I like how I look when you’re with me,” or, “I like the fact that you’re showering me with attention,” or, “I like having sex with you.”
At the sinister end of the range, sociopaths know they are cold-hearted predators and view their targets the way cats view mice. These sociopaths play with their targets for awhile, then, when they tire of the game, abandon them, leaving the targets battered and gasping. Or, some sociopaths will go in for the kill, usually figuratively, but sometimes literally.
The reader asked, “Is it all an act?” Often, the answer is yes.
Accepting reality
The sociopath may have painted a picture of an exquisite future of unending togetherness and bliss. Or, the sociopath may have latched on to our own nurturing instincts, and convinced us that they can only survive with our caring and support. Then the mask slips, the story unravels, and we learn that everything we believed was a lie.
We must accept this reality. We must believe our own eyes and recognize the truth.
This may be really difficult. We thought we were working towards our dream. We made important life decisions based on what we were told. We may have spent a lot of money—maybe all of our money—at the behest of the sociopath.
We don’t want to believe that it was all a cruel mirage. We argue with ourselves—there must be some other explanation, some other reason. We may say, “I must have misunderstood; no one can be that heartless.”
Yes, sociopaths are that heartless.
The reasons they are heartless do not matter. Yes, in some cases they have had bad parents and a terrible childhood. But as an adult, they are not going to change. They are what they are, and the sooner we accept that, the sooner we can begin to recover.
Time and permission to recover
The psychological and emotional damage that we suffer because of our entanglements with sociopaths is often extensive. We may experience anxiety, depression, guilt, self-hatred, and perhaps even post traumatic stress disorder.
Some of us are so angry with ourselves for falling for the scam that we punish ourselves by blocking our own recovery. We say we will never trust again; never love again.
Please do not feel this way. If you never recover, giving up on trust and love, the sociopath will have truly won. Deny him or her that victory. Give yourself permission to recover.
Recovering from this damage is not an event; it’s a process. Readers often ask, “How long will it take?” The answer: It will take as long as it takes.
We may need to move forward in several directions at once, but it’s okay to move forward slowly. Some steps to take:
- Protecting our physical safety, if the sociopath has made threats, and what remains of our financial assets.
- Taking care of our physical health—eating right, getting enough exercise and sleep, avoiding alcohol and other substances.
- Finding a way to release the pent-up anger and pain within us, without showing it to the sociopath, because that will backfire.
- Rebuilding relationships with family members and friends that were damaged because of the sociopath.
- Letting moments of joy, no matter how small, into our lives. Joy expands, so the more we can let in, the more it will grow and the better we will feel.
The Lovefraud Blog has many more articles that focus on how to recover from the sociopathic entanglement. You’ll find them in the following category:
Believe in yourself. You can do this. You can get past the experience. You may have lost your innocence, but in the end, you’ll gain invaluable wisdom.
nolarn:
Yeah, it sounds like he was very sweet to you and you two did a lot together, etc., but then in the end he told you he never loved you and was only using you for sex!! How can they (he) fake it like that??
92044,
I thought my spath was all those things you described. It was a con because he was leading double, triple and quadruple lives. There were prostitutes and 12 year old girls from the very first. Everything he did, there was an explanation, I bought it all. He compartmentalized so I couldn’t see the real him. Then slowly, over the years, he morphed, so slowly that I didn’t even notice it at first. Mine was sweet and never hit me, but he did rage.
My P never touched a hair wrong on my body. He was very sweet! Was the first thing I told my mom about him. “I finally picked someone who’s sweet!”
And he often professed disdain for wife beaters. In one of his hissyfits during a row between us he came rather close and I stepped aside. He stopped and said, “Did you think I was going to hit you?” He had a hurt facial expression, and attested he’d never do that.
Of course, the other signs of physical violence were there… busting doors or windows or other guy’s faces. He was violent at things and sometimes men if he had a fit. But he’d hardly ever even have a fit towards me. And if he did, he’d jump up and down like a spoiled child, but never even threatening me. The other ex-es attest the same thing. His US divorce papers (copy) mention “no domestic violence history”.
However, I suspect that if he ever stays long enough physically with a woman, like more than 2 years and in close physical proximity (most of the time he’s separated from them over hte long distance for several months), I think it is possible he eventually might hit the woman. The violence against the environment is the first step to get the victim used to violent events in her life. That is a bad sign in itself.
my 2 cents – my X was happy with a peanut butter and jelly sandwich…didnt matter where i took him out to eat he ordered chicken fried steak, one time he ordered prime rib WELL DONE…he ate alot of sweets – didnt care much for sitting down at a dinner table, that meant he mite have to speak at me..
eb – mine was a sweety, like a little boy, did the baby talk thing when he was in a good mood…but he could go into a rage with a blink of the eye, throw things, tear up my house, make threats etc etc…i would of rather taken a beating from him then the mind games, at least I would of known what hit me ….
Well, Skylar, if my sister doesn’t have cancer, she’s doing a pretty good job of faking it, with a hard piece in her left breast and surgery that apparently happened yesterday.
I agree with what you say about this “Alexithymia,” except that the fancy label is probably just masking a broader process that Wilhelm Reich knew about by the 1920s or ’30s. You hit it right on when you said, in effect, that to know that you’re suppressing an emotion you have to actually know about the emotion in the first place.
I picture the process Reich described as layers of an onion. As each thing is repressed, the part that is repressed just forms a layer of defenses. Part of it may even be expressed, but that part sits there, ready to be covered by the next inappropriate behavior or repression of that behavior. After a while, the person forgets they even felt the first impulse.
My sister reacts way out of proportion to some perceived threats, yet seems OK with others. For instance, she is afraid of spiders. I mean, she just screams.
I feel even more sorry for her with this description, actually. You’re saying basically that their reactions aren’t their fault. They’re just lost in this maze of layers and interpretations and misdirected body cues. I cannot imagine how that could not lead to physical illness.
It’s interesting to consider that I, too, have had physical illness. Not just the cancer I mentioned but the aftereffects of the stress, including chronic diarrhea, stomach pain, and adrenal exhaustion. I recently located it, I think, in the exact-opposite reaction I always got when I was ill: no pity at all. In fact, my father made fun of my illnesses when I was a child, my sister told me my menstrual disturbance was because I “didn’t accept being a woman,” and my father further doesn’t even remember me telling him I had cancer. I recently took some time off to recover, spending a couple of winter weeks in Texas. I was so wary of his toxic response to me that I stayed instead at a friend’s, and I noticed that my father still didn’t seem to get the seriousness of my situation.
Am I trying to get pity? I think on some level, yes. At least I’m aware of my lack and how I might think creatively to get what I really need — which is not pity but perhaps nuturing of a sort. Or appreciation of my nurturing of other people. I have improved quite a lot since taking some shorter trips to people I consider “family,” making big family dinners, and feeling part of a caring “tribe.”
I need to care care of me!
Think of any disease that inspires “cure marches,” in solidarity with the “victims” and “survivors.” In all of these diseases, there is a certain wish for recognition fulfilled. (Especially in the case of the “March Against Suicide”!) But it’s a false need, a layer on top of a layer on top of a layer of neurotic responses to the original need — and that original need was just to be loved, to be in touch with one’s (sexual) body, and to be heard in full.
But boy, do pharma companies know how to mask symptoms and keep us from the real source of our distress!
The connection of certain symptoms or diseases with specific needs is, I think, indirect. It all depends on the pathways and layers of that individual. You can’t say, for instance, that menstrual problems are “not accepting being a woman.” It’s b.s., and I was subjected to that for 30 years. There was likely a psychosomatic source of my problems, but it wasn’t that simple.
eb-that’s why I was so devastated about it. My stepmom thought is was because his wife demanded that he make a strong break and since he was choosing her that he wanted to make it stick. After the breakup he told the wife some mean things about me that weren’t true. Later he admitted to me that he lied to her-that those things he said weren’t true, but he only said them because he would do anything-including lying to get the relationship back.
I was so inbelievably hurt when he said he never loved me and he used me for sex-it hurts to this day when I talk about it. It was so not what he demonstrated to me on a daily basis. Usually they will say one thing but their actions won’t match. In this case, he acted a certain way that told me that he loved me but ended up saying something totally contradictory like that. I couldn’t understand how someone could pretend like that. I am just not feeling good about things today.
Upset about job applications too. I was intending to apply for 6 ICU jobs at this hospital but they only let you apply for one online. I don’t know how to get them to know that I am going for all those positions because I am qualified for all of them. They make things so difficult.
nolarn:
I know it hurts and I am sorry I brought it up. I just wanted to figure out how they can be that way. But what you said does make some kind of sense. Maybe it really wasn’t true when he told you he never loved you; maybe he was just telling you that to make a clean break.
skylar:
Good point! I think mine was actually doing way more than I ever knew about, too. He probably also had more than just the double life, but triple at least. I will never forget the night I stayed at his apartment and there was a cigaretter lighter lying on the floor. Hmmmm, he doesn’t smoke and neither do any of his friends and his friends didn’t go there anyway. I couldn’t think of any other reason to have a lighter in the apartment. I felt that he probably had a prostitute there and she was a smoker. It’s the only conclusion I could come to. I didn’t ask him where the lighter came from, but in hindsight, I should have so I could look back now and laugh at his answer!
Hens:
I see a common thread here that so many of us have said these men were “sweet” and like “little boys.” I think there is really something to this. They really are infantile. And you talked about yours throwing things, etc. The only thing I ever knew (I didn’t witness it), but his Administrative Assistant had told me that she had to order him a new cell phone because he told her that he had a fight with his wife, got mad and threw his phone against the wall. Probably smashed into many pieces. He was small, but he was mighty. So…I am assuming he has those “rage” incidents at home. I always think of those things when I build him up in my mind. I remind myself that I never lived with him and I have no idea what he is really like.
As for cancer, I believe that stress (and repressed anger) do have an effect on our bodies that can cause changes in the cells. With most new cases, there is no family history. I have three (!) friends who were all diagnosed with breast cancer in the last six months. In one it was a recurrence of a small cancer that was originally diagnosed nearly 20 years ago! She lost her son suddenly when he was just out of college, and went through many months caring for her father.. and a year later the cancer came back in the same place.
With the second friend, her daughter has battled a serious mental illness for the last six years which caused unbelievable stress in her life. She is the type of person that everyone depends on, so she tried to solve it all. (She had also taken hormone therapy for a few years before this diagnosis). Fortunately the mammogram showed the spot and it was caught it early.
The third friend is a rather negative person, always down on herself even though she is well-liked and quite talented. She went through a lot of stress in the last three years with her own health and that of her husband. No hormones and never had children but her weight fluctuated quite a bit over the years.
All three friends have had issues with weight which I know is also linked to estrogen production.