Lovefraud recently received the following e-mail from a reader:
How do I process a relationship that had so many lies in it that I don’t know really with whom I was involved?
I miss the person I thought I knew so much, but at the same time, he was involved with someone else, and others, since at least last June. I thought he had had one affair—but not anything to the extent that it looks like now.
How do I process a relationship I never had? Was he lying the whole time acting out the “I love you’s”, the romantic comments, and the idea that we should be together? Is it all an act?
Most of us are reading and posting on Lovefraud because we were intensely, callously, brutally deceived in a relationship with a sociopath. The betrayal was so deep, and so profound, that all we can say is that the person we thought we knew, the relationship we thought we had, didn’t exist.
Much has been written here on Lovefraud about the different aspects of recovery. But in response to this reader’s e-mail, I’ll review some of the key points.
Understanding sociopaths and “love”
Sociopaths do not feel empathy for other human beings. Therefore, they do not have the ability to love as we understand it. There is no emotional connection, no true caring for the target of their “affections.”
What is going on when sociopaths say, “I love you?” They are not all the same, so there is a range of explanations for what they mean.
At the clueless end of the range, sociopaths may view the target as attractive arm candy, or may like the attention they receive from the target, or may enjoy sex with the target. Sociopaths may label as “love” whatever it is they feel with the target. So, “I love you,” means, “I like how I look when you’re with me,” or, “I like the fact that you’re showering me with attention,” or, “I like having sex with you.”
At the sinister end of the range, sociopaths know they are cold-hearted predators and view their targets the way cats view mice. These sociopaths play with their targets for awhile, then, when they tire of the game, abandon them, leaving the targets battered and gasping. Or, some sociopaths will go in for the kill, usually figuratively, but sometimes literally.
The reader asked, “Is it all an act?” Often, the answer is yes.
Accepting reality
The sociopath may have painted a picture of an exquisite future of unending togetherness and bliss. Or, the sociopath may have latched on to our own nurturing instincts, and convinced us that they can only survive with our caring and support. Then the mask slips, the story unravels, and we learn that everything we believed was a lie.
We must accept this reality. We must believe our own eyes and recognize the truth.
This may be really difficult. We thought we were working towards our dream. We made important life decisions based on what we were told. We may have spent a lot of money—maybe all of our money—at the behest of the sociopath.
We don’t want to believe that it was all a cruel mirage. We argue with ourselves—there must be some other explanation, some other reason. We may say, “I must have misunderstood; no one can be that heartless.”
Yes, sociopaths are that heartless.
The reasons they are heartless do not matter. Yes, in some cases they have had bad parents and a terrible childhood. But as an adult, they are not going to change. They are what they are, and the sooner we accept that, the sooner we can begin to recover.
Time and permission to recover
The psychological and emotional damage that we suffer because of our entanglements with sociopaths is often extensive. We may experience anxiety, depression, guilt, self-hatred, and perhaps even post traumatic stress disorder.
Some of us are so angry with ourselves for falling for the scam that we punish ourselves by blocking our own recovery. We say we will never trust again; never love again.
Please do not feel this way. If you never recover, giving up on trust and love, the sociopath will have truly won. Deny him or her that victory. Give yourself permission to recover.
Recovering from this damage is not an event; it’s a process. Readers often ask, “How long will it take?” The answer: It will take as long as it takes.
We may need to move forward in several directions at once, but it’s okay to move forward slowly. Some steps to take:
- Protecting our physical safety, if the sociopath has made threats, and what remains of our financial assets.
- Taking care of our physical health—eating right, getting enough exercise and sleep, avoiding alcohol and other substances.
- Finding a way to release the pent-up anger and pain within us, without showing it to the sociopath, because that will backfire.
- Rebuilding relationships with family members and friends that were damaged because of the sociopath.
- Letting moments of joy, no matter how small, into our lives. Joy expands, so the more we can let in, the more it will grow and the better we will feel.
The Lovefraud Blog has many more articles that focus on how to recover from the sociopathic entanglement. You’ll find them in the following category:
Believe in yourself. You can do this. You can get past the experience. You may have lost your innocence, but in the end, you’ll gain invaluable wisdom.
Thank you…and Star I know exactly the feelings you describe in my quietest moments as I have been very insomniac since his leaving of course trying to figure out what I did wrong,what I could change etc.etc.for so long even though in my head could rationalize I didn’t it was so trivial…he left me over an argument with my son 2 days after christmas while my other son just started chemo .But me still trying to get him to come home after all neither of us cheated,had a substance problem,good with money etc..never mind I was making excuses for his outbursts “stress”work etc. looking back and knowing now he really did do the idealize,devalue,discard very well….
But still not every night in that 3 or 4 am time frame I cry from the deepest parts of my gut,heart and soul ..WHY…he has someone else he “loves”at first I thought maybe after a year he will miss me when their honeymoon phase ends….WRONG….then I became more depressed as time went on still with her…then the light bulb moment like i said about 2 months ago…and yes I am obsessed now reading all I can on this illness …I actually feel a bit sorry for her knowing she must be in the devalueing phase or soon will be……she must feel very low self esteem she hooked up with a married man who still talks to his wife secretly in another room for an hour or two even though we talk about stupid unmeaningful things she doesn’t know this…..If it were me it would drive me crazy and make me more insecure ….although I would have never gone out with a married man seperated or not……she did put herself there and then I am sure got hooked…
I did consult with a lawyer but being disabled cannot afford one…she said since he makes 5x as much as I you could pay with the assets that would be split……and me knowing him he would drag out a divorce if I tried for years another reason I don’t file too……she did tell me no matter what I decide to go get counseling for domestic violence as he did do that with his controlling and emotional abuse regardless that he never hit me.
Sorry for the Long Post Everyone ..I finally Feel I have a Voice thats been Unheard..
dazedstill ~ Oh my gosh… you’re still in contact with this man! I strongly recommend that you cease communication with him. It is only prolonging the grief you are feeling. The best way to heal is to achieve and then maintain no contact.
I cannot give any advice on the legal issues, but perhaps there is some sort of aid available in your area to facilitate a divorce from this man. Do take care of yourself. (((hugs)))
“Victims,”…..that is the name we give ourselves. The courts punish us for being truthful. Society devours us for being naive. Friends tire of our constant (unstoppable) drama. Family cannot understand “how we missed all the signs.” Neighbors thrive on the gossip. The journey is exhausting.
There is no other individual can relate to the mental cruelty which comes with being the focus of a P…with the exception of the “chosen few” who have been cursed with the unwanted, disgusting privilege. Our misery is overwhelming…and in return, the P thrives. The gloating, the callousness exudes from the P…he pats himself on the back and beams over his mission accomplished—it’s sickening. Society condones his behavior by allowing him to slide. He skates away on technicalities.
It’s time to expose these predators…and punish them for their carnage. They are nothing more than evil in the flesh…satanic spawns. They prey on the goodhearted…women, children, the sick, the broken and the trusting. They find those of us to be fascinating, simply because we “can” feel. This they find perplexing.
In actuality…we are the winners here. It may be sorrow, pain and misfortune that we feel, but at least we can feel it. P’s are nothing more than numb, empty corpses in limbo, just waiting to fill their designated fiery hot seats in hell.
On the flip side.. we (the chosen few) are graciously blessed with the gift of experiencing love, joy, elation, tenderness and goose-bumps. To the P, this is a foreign concept– the truth is..they are the ones who are actually being punished, not us.
I found the best way to get him out of my system was a friend giving me a new bed and helping me get rid of the old one. They brought round some hammers (I had asked them for an axe but they decided to err on the side of caution lol). I smashed that bed to pieces. They then said to me ‘Do you feel better now?’ to which I replied ‘Yes!!!!!’
All that anger went into the destruction of the bed and while there were other times when I got really angry that really did help.
Get a punch bag or something, get some boxing gloves, get a hammer and really, really lay into something. Forget about being ‘girly’ and it not being ‘lady like’, just do it & get all that anger out of your system before it poisons you. If necessary even imagine him on the receiving end of it.
That may help somewhat getting my anger out somehow as its been stifeld and pushed down so far . I really need to find it . I have been feeling some anger an emotion very new to me and vengence which I don’t like feeling at all as I have never ever felt that . Maybe smashing something with everything I have in me imaging him once in awhile might help a little like a tree outside or something of course if it were his car he bought that he knew I always wanted would be sweeter but I’d get caught LOL
I do have one vingeful wish even though I know even if it came true it wouldn’t bother him if his GF walked out on him suddenly and broke his insides like he did me but they don’t feel like that …he has always done that to women in his life I was the only one unlucky to marry his a**.
I must have been the challenge as I see it the smarter,more stubborn,more eductaed and better looking one and he beat his biggest challenge and crushed me,devasted me and shattered me beyond belief and I am still HIS WIFE what an idiot I AM. Of course he isn’t stupid he knows he got himself in a mess to by marrying me if we get divorced he loses precious Money (His GOD)
Back to the food thing. I later realised that the food issue was a way of control. Oh the scenes he would cause in restaurants about not having garlic in his food, even a tiny, minuscule amount he could taste and he could die! Knowing about peanut allergies I understood how dangerous something like that could be, so may sure that I didn’t cook with garlic, read every single label on every single thing that I bought in the supermarket (you would be surprised at how many had garlic on them) and so on. Our diet was so limited and boring! After 10 years my final, but one ‘break down’ (if you like) came when one night in the supermarket I couldn’t find anything that didn’t have garlic in it and I despaired. I sat in (and I mean in here, not on) the fridges in the supermarket thinking I can’t take any more of this.
One of our friends cooked a shepherds pie when we went to stay and her then partner got so fed up with his eating habit that he did put garlic in the food (unbeknown to me) and the ex didn’t even notice, so it was all a con.
After I threw him out, everyone invited me round to their houses for dinner and guess what the main ingredient in any meal was? yep! Garlic!!. One friend even took me out to e restaurant where everything including the desserts had garlic in them. Another friend gave me a present for Xmas of a book of garlic receipes and a jar of crushed garlic. It was my best present that year!!!
I found the anger I felt over the whole situation the worse I’ve ever felt. I don’t know if anyone understands what I mean by ‘cold anger’ rather than ‘hot anger’, but both towards the end of the relationship and after I felt I had gone past ‘hot anger’ and onto ‘cold anger’. Its kind of like that you switch off from the heat of the emotion, you go cold, cool and just action almost without any thought. People talk about the red mist descending. I didn’t feel that, I just went cold, a place beyond normal anger. So to get rid of some of that I think you must find a way of getting rid out it. As you say Dazedstill hitting a tree or something might help. You have to think of yourself and making yourself better. Forget him (hard I know), forget being lady like, pretend you want to kill him (cos you do) and just go out and do something legally violent. You will feel SOOOOO much better.
About the releasing the anger – this is important. Anger requires physical release. The key is to do it without injuring people, pets or property. Personally, I spent a lot of time beating pillows on a bed, imagining my ex’s face on the pillow.
I wrote about this in a previous post:
http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2007/02/18/releasing-the-pain-inflicted-by-a-sociopath/
Yes it is, but for me hitting pillows wouldn’t have been a strong enough release. It seemed rather in effectual in regards to what I felt he had done to me. I agree whatever route you take, it has to be legal and not inflict harm on anyone, pets or property. If however there is something that has been left behind by the spath, that you still have, that can be used as a vehicle for release and for anger. As I had the ‘marital bed’ which was knackered anyway, it was a good was of destroying something which represented something we had shared that had turned sour (there were also other reasons why the bed had to go, related to the ex but I don’t want to discuss those at the moment).
The anger MUST be released and better that it be released in a way that is positive for the victim, helps them release negativity and also feel like they are doing something positive to regain some control and feeling in their lives. Screaming, shouting and wailing are also necessary.
We used to do historical re-enactments together and I had embroidered a beautiful red wool cloak for him, lined with silk. When I cleared all his stuff I packed this in the suitcase, but when I got back after he had left, the cloak had been left. I had made it as an engagement gift for him, but he said he wanted me to have it. I gave all his other costumes to people in the group and wasn’t really bothered when I saw people wearing them, but there was no way I could cope with someone else wearing the cloak. So what did I do with it? I burnt it! I went over to a friends house, used their free standing fire thing (can’t think of what they’re called) and I burnt it down to the last piece of ash. It nearly killed me metaphorically as well as physically, as all the smoke and all the evil was released into the air, but also the emotional tie I had made when I had created, when I had embroidered the cloak, had been broken. Although I do miss the item of beauty that I made, I don’t miss what i made it for, in terms of the engagement, if that makes sense.
You need to destroy, get rid off, break all ties, metaphorical, metaphysical, physical and emotional to be free of a spath. there are no short cuts. You have to live the pain and live through it, to become yourself, but a better yourself. Its hard, its draining, its life changing, but I wouldn’t be the person I am now without it. I found the song I Will Survive, by Gloria Gaynor a very good song for getting rid of pent up emotion, and when she would sing ‘go on, get out the door’ I would sing along shouting ‘go on then F***K off, out of my life etc etc. VEry therapeutic.
I still have a lot of anger. It’s the biggest emotion I deal with now. One thing I do and it is not legal, is I drive really, really fast and turn up the music so loud in my car that I think I have blown out the speakers. I just hope it goes away some day. I have faith it will.
I_survived_The_Bastard:
I asked mine to tell ME to “F*ck off” (a very British thing to say) and he wouldn’t. I hated that. I would have felt better if he would just tell me. It would have helped me heal, but he wouldn’t do it. I suspect he didn’t want to do that because he wanted to keep the door open. Frustrating.