Lovefraud recently received the following e-mail from a reader:
How do I process a relationship that had so many lies in it that I don’t know really with whom I was involved?
I miss the person I thought I knew so much, but at the same time, he was involved with someone else, and others, since at least last June. I thought he had had one affair—but not anything to the extent that it looks like now.
How do I process a relationship I never had? Was he lying the whole time acting out the “I love you’s”, the romantic comments, and the idea that we should be together? Is it all an act?
Most of us are reading and posting on Lovefraud because we were intensely, callously, brutally deceived in a relationship with a sociopath. The betrayal was so deep, and so profound, that all we can say is that the person we thought we knew, the relationship we thought we had, didn’t exist.
Much has been written here on Lovefraud about the different aspects of recovery. But in response to this reader’s e-mail, I’ll review some of the key points.
Understanding sociopaths and “love”
Sociopaths do not feel empathy for other human beings. Therefore, they do not have the ability to love as we understand it. There is no emotional connection, no true caring for the target of their “affections.”
What is going on when sociopaths say, “I love you?” They are not all the same, so there is a range of explanations for what they mean.
At the clueless end of the range, sociopaths may view the target as attractive arm candy, or may like the attention they receive from the target, or may enjoy sex with the target. Sociopaths may label as “love” whatever it is they feel with the target. So, “I love you,” means, “I like how I look when you’re with me,” or, “I like the fact that you’re showering me with attention,” or, “I like having sex with you.”
At the sinister end of the range, sociopaths know they are cold-hearted predators and view their targets the way cats view mice. These sociopaths play with their targets for awhile, then, when they tire of the game, abandon them, leaving the targets battered and gasping. Or, some sociopaths will go in for the kill, usually figuratively, but sometimes literally.
The reader asked, “Is it all an act?” Often, the answer is yes.
Accepting reality
The sociopath may have painted a picture of an exquisite future of unending togetherness and bliss. Or, the sociopath may have latched on to our own nurturing instincts, and convinced us that they can only survive with our caring and support. Then the mask slips, the story unravels, and we learn that everything we believed was a lie.
We must accept this reality. We must believe our own eyes and recognize the truth.
This may be really difficult. We thought we were working towards our dream. We made important life decisions based on what we were told. We may have spent a lot of money—maybe all of our money—at the behest of the sociopath.
We don’t want to believe that it was all a cruel mirage. We argue with ourselves—there must be some other explanation, some other reason. We may say, “I must have misunderstood; no one can be that heartless.”
Yes, sociopaths are that heartless.
The reasons they are heartless do not matter. Yes, in some cases they have had bad parents and a terrible childhood. But as an adult, they are not going to change. They are what they are, and the sooner we accept that, the sooner we can begin to recover.
Time and permission to recover
The psychological and emotional damage that we suffer because of our entanglements with sociopaths is often extensive. We may experience anxiety, depression, guilt, self-hatred, and perhaps even post traumatic stress disorder.
Some of us are so angry with ourselves for falling for the scam that we punish ourselves by blocking our own recovery. We say we will never trust again; never love again.
Please do not feel this way. If you never recover, giving up on trust and love, the sociopath will have truly won. Deny him or her that victory. Give yourself permission to recover.
Recovering from this damage is not an event; it’s a process. Readers often ask, “How long will it take?” The answer: It will take as long as it takes.
We may need to move forward in several directions at once, but it’s okay to move forward slowly. Some steps to take:
- Protecting our physical safety, if the sociopath has made threats, and what remains of our financial assets.
- Taking care of our physical health—eating right, getting enough exercise and sleep, avoiding alcohol and other substances.
- Finding a way to release the pent-up anger and pain within us, without showing it to the sociopath, because that will backfire.
- Rebuilding relationships with family members and friends that were damaged because of the sociopath.
- Letting moments of joy, no matter how small, into our lives. Joy expands, so the more we can let in, the more it will grow and the better we will feel.
The Lovefraud Blog has many more articles that focus on how to recover from the sociopathic entanglement. You’ll find them in the following category:
Believe in yourself. You can do this. You can get past the experience. You may have lost your innocence, but in the end, you’ll gain invaluable wisdom.
Alina,
you said,
I asked him why he would want to stay in this abusive relationship and he said “because I am scared of you, I am traumatized.”
OMG that is soooo interesting!
that’s what he thinks keeps a woman in a relationshit! What a HUGE Sociopathic TELL! Thank you soooo much! PLEASE, keep sharing your nuggets of insight.
The sociopath does what he does because it works for him, but he really doesn’t “get” what he’s doing. He tries really hard to rub two brain cells together in the frontal lobes, but there is rarely a spark. Most of what he “believes” (I say believes because he knows nothing, it’s all about belief for Peter Pan), is stuff he might have read, but they don’t understand it because understanding only comes from experience. Since he can’t experience emotion, well… it’s like a colorblind person trying to describe colors from what he has read.
Perhaps you should write a book about your experiences with the sociopaths. Call it “Anecdotes on Moral Insanity”. turn straw into gold.
Joannie,
you said it in a nutshell.
Yeah, Joannie nailed it!
Yes, it’s tailored after each victim. He never spoke ill about his ex-es to me, not at the start, not at the end. He knew that such would have been a pity story that would have been a huge red flag to me. He never wanted to make me jealous either, because I once had voluntarily said that if I ever had felt jealous in the past, I turned around and walked off or sent the guy packing. I did start to become suspicious at some point, and when I confronted him about it, he didn’t even try to make me out as the jealousy type, but that I wanted to “control” him. Talk about projection, big time, there.
Much later in the relationship I often noticed he would speak ill of people, especially women and girls, while to me he couldn’t know them. Kinda like the waitress test.
I realize he might be acting completely different to the new woman. If she needs to feel more confident to belive she’s the one by him dissing the previous ex-es, then that is what he’ll be doing.
As for being upset and angry at them… mine at some point started to say he thought I was sexy when I was angry. And he was grinning with satisfaction. I remember saying, “So, are you now gonna try to upset me as often as you can?” I was actually very disturbed by his comment.
Oh boy, I had no idea then how close I was to the truth!
Spot on, Darwinsmom! I told my spath from the beginning – “I don’t care if you date other women. Just break up with me first.” That seems to be the litmus test for the question “is he really a spath?” If they do the one thing you ask them not to do… over and over for years…. then YEP! Even when I found evidence in my home of women being there, he had broken me down to such a point that he would make me apologize for being “controlling” and “not letting me have friends”. I’m still puzzled at how someone like me, who never had a problem walking away from a bad relationship – could have gotten so played. Well – I had a kid with him, of course. I never got the wooing and charm that new fiancee is getting because I already gave him what he wanted 3 months after meeting him. After that it was just a matter of doing the bare minimum to keep me supporting him (and especially not paying child support) while he chased hot chicks all over town. Since he revealed he’s getting married a couple of weeks ago, he’s been working overtime trying to get a reaction from me. He’s actually approaching my neighbors and parents of other kids at my son’s school fishing for congratulations and telling everyone how refreshing it is to “take the plunge” with the love of his life after being with “abusive” me. Before finding LF, of course this would have hurt me terribly. Thank goodness for all of you (and especially Donna) for putting the shame of being conned aside to help all if us see that we are the healthy ones for getting wise to their games and refusing to play anymore. Love you all!!! And yippee – we CAN actually feel love!
I keep meaning to ask – has anyone else encountered spath’s allies (family, etc.) who keep insisting s/he really *believes* they were the ones wronged by us? My neighbor mentioned it (she doesn’t even know him – only met at school but that’s how quickly he can put on the charm!). I think it’s a way to keep us invested. I know I wasted a lot of time tirelessly exposing my feelings and pointing out the horrible things he did trying to convince him that I was abused as if he was too dense to understand. Do they really believe they were wronged, or do they always know they’re lying and relish in keeping us guessing?
OMG! When you ladies post little tid bits about your exes, it reminds me of my ex, it’s almost like a pattern with these spaths.
Alina when you mentioned your ex had a loud spooky diabolical
laugh of an empty shell that rang a bell with me!
Mine would chuckle every time he did something evil to someone. And I’d hear that laugh. It’s ingrained in my subconcious.
Everytime I hear something similar to it to this day I get the nilly willy’s!
Hi, Joanie123,
Yes, they love to play out their heart’s desires with us…getting us to do things for their pleasure. Like your ex’s ex who would have other women in their bed or with kinky sex or whatever his momentary urge of the moment was.
Isn’t it sad that some of us try so hard to satisfy these desires in order to keep them, when they know full well it is just a ploy to get something and to watch us fall all over ourselves to accomodate them?
That feels as if they are just finding one more way to exercise their power. It is not about satisfying the urge so much then as watching people dance on puppet strings.
This is all so sick.
Trimama, It is sad that my ex-husband’s ex went to the extreme to accommodate him to where she put her health and life on the line by engaging in BDSM to hold him.
I think when he told me about it he was hinting he wanted me to bring women home to him.
Even at that point I reasoned if you have to go that far to keep someone it’s not worth it. They’re not worth it.
I told that story to one of my girlfriends who was a neighbor of mine at the time and she confessed to me that there were days when I went to work he would sneak back home when the kids were at school and bring women into my house.